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AUNTIE: As most of you probably don’t know, when I am not copy editing TRAUMAFESSIONS and tweaking the behind-the-scenes HTML at Kindertrauma, I am the imaginary C.E.O. and lead fashion designer for Kinder-Factory. I founded Kinder-Factory to fill the void encountered by horror fans like myself who love a good beheading just as much as the Bedazzler. Won’t you please join me in my passion for rhinestone-enhanced knitwear with a peek at my signature line of beautifully embellished holiday sweaters?
The Captain Ho-Ho-Ho Howdy
If you have piano gathering hosted by a headstrong actress with a troubled teen daughter on your holiday party itinerary, then this is the sweater for you! Treated with ScotchgardTM, this snuggly pullover repels both eggnog and projectile vomit stains.
Amityville Axe-Mas Dreams
There’s no mocking the photorealism of this mock turtleneck. The rhinestone-encrusted flies flanking the arms bring a real sense of whimsy to the infamous shotgun murder scene. The neon thread in the lawn is actually made from industrial strength elastic, so you won’t need feel like Jody the Pig when you help yourself to seconds, thirds, and fourths at the office holiday party.
Christmas at Crystal Lake
Whether you’re celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, or avenging the drowning death of your son by methodically murdering teens about to engage in pre-marital sex, this virgin wool number will keep you nice and toasty.
Trilogy of Terrifying Sweater Vests
Due to a miscommunication with my sweatshop foreman, this one was produced in three different styles. I recommended layering all three for the ultimate KAREN BLACK-Christmas look!
The Jamie Lee Cardigan
The holidays are the perfect time for wearing your family dysfunction not only on your sleeve, but also all over your torso. Crushed satin corduroy frames this familial tale of unrequited sibling love.
All Dogs Go to Hell
Animal lovers will love it when you show up Christmas caroling with CUJO embroidered on your chest. Should they release the hounds on you, the patented chainmail yarn used in the arms will protect you from nastiest of nippers!
The Seasonally Slim Goodbody
Just because you’ve packed on twenty-five pounds since Black Friday from holiday-induced anger eating, your friends and family will be none the wiser. They will be too fixated on the intricately crafted internal organs to notice you chugging directly from the gravy boat. (Nude leggings sold separately).
Show that whiny bitch sister of yours that under no certain terms are you not above taking out your hoop earrings and showing her the back your hand if she gets a little mouthy while passing the mash potatoes.
The Overlook Outer Coat
Although most of my sweaters start in the Triple XXX sizes, I realized I could make a mint by catering to the sweater needs of psychically gifted children of deranged innkeepers. This little number is perfect for the little one on your list who is destined to spend Christmas day running in terror from a possessed parent through a snow-covered hedge maze.
The Carrie White Christmas Sweater Dress
Why dream of a white Christmas when you can have a Carrie White Christmas? Belted at the waist, this flame and pigs’ blood retardant tunic will make you the toast of the girls’ locker room. Even the most zealous of mothers will approve of the demure, below-the-knee hemline.