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Hospital Massacre

February 16th, 2010 · 3 Comments

There’s one last Valentine chocolate in the box and it’s called HOSPITAL MASSACRE, known in some parts as X-RAY; it’s working title was the sublime BE MY VALENTINE…OR ElSE! Directed by BOAZ DAVIDSON (by the way, I’m still broken hearted by the conclusion to BOAZ‘s THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN…how could you, DIANE FRANKLIN !?!), this early eighties shocker has somehow avoided DVD capture though its giant silver MGM VHS box can be spotted hiding out in the back alleys of Amazon.

Kids, we’re talking a 1982 slasher that takes place in a hospital, is centered around a second rate holiday and kicks off with a prologue revealing a unsettled grudge from the past! Sounds like it can’t fail right? Sure it can! HOSPITAL MASSACRE puts the “ail” in fail but it’s just so screwy and peculiar that I can almost forgive it for cutting into my valuable PS3 time. Let’s take a look at the symptoms, shall we?

BARBI BENTON

As if sashaying her way through HEE-HAW and FANTASY ISLAND wasn’t enough to enrapture me, BARBI BENTON (born Barbara Klien) also starred in the uber-incredible DEATHSTALKER. Plus, the gal’s got….er….PIPES!

TWO OF THE THREE BLOODY BIRTHDAY KIDS!

In H.M.’s opening we learn that when BARBI’s character Suzy was a child, a spurned admirer killed her brother on Valentine’s Day. I thought it fortuitous enough to find BLOODY BIRTHDAY’s super creepy SUSAN HOY playing young Suzy when suddenly up pops the ever-brilliant BILLY JACOBY as the crazed, can’t take a hint psycho. Horror-synchronicity at its finest!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE NOD

Early in the film an elevator ride is cut short when the doors slide open to show three men in HARRY WARDEN gas masks, a nice playful jab at that other earlier released Valentine horror film!

LET ME OUT!

Poor Suzy just stopped by the hospital to pick up some routine test results but because her stalker switched her X-rays, the doctors, along with their seven foot tall nurses, won’t let her leave! H.M. may think it’s a slasher but it’s really a SNAKE PIT movie at heart. Which is good because SNAKE PIT movies are as campy as they want to be and that’s why I love them. (Slap me five 1985’s HELLHOLE with JUDY LANDERS and RAY SHARKEY and 1990’s COMMITTED with JENNIFER O’NEIL and RON PALILLO!!!)

THE FREAKS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!

So what if the surgeon killer is more goofy than scary, the chanting occult soundtrack is wildly inappropriate and the pacing, on occasion gets slower than an IV drip. HOSPITAL MASSACRE has a kooky KAFKA on Quaaludes vibe that should carry lovers of cult film straight on through to the other side. I was a doubter myself until BARBI stumbled into a room with three patients bandaged head to toe that just start convulsing like break dancing marionettes. Like most of the film, it’s surreal, funny and not meant to be taken too seriously. Plus, in HOSPITAL MASSACRE you get a decapitated head in a hat box, that’s a pretty good Valentine gift, right?

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Tags: General Horror · Holidays · Kids Who Kill · V.D.

Valentine

February 15th, 2010 · 10 Comments

I know it wasn’t very imaginative of me to watch VALENTINE on the 14th but it’s done and now I must write about it otherwise I watched it for nothing and that would kill me. I just thought I’d give this one another chance, you know I love slasher films and I thought so much time has passed since my last viewing of it that maybe it would be fun in a nostalgic way or something. Well, the road to hellish boredom is paved with those crappy cardboard Warner Brothers DVD covers that I hate…when will I ever learn? Thankfully I’m a firm believer in when life hands you lemons, slice them in half, pour salt and Tabasco sauce on them and suck hard…

Speaking of sucking hard, VALENTINE, I am like the one person in the world who could love you even though you’re trash but ya’ know what? I just can’t do it.’ I’m sorry; it isn’t me it’s you. I mean it’s REALLY YOU. You are pointless and passionless and you take the simplest premise in the world and you lame it up with piles and piles of unnecessary garbage. Am I expecting too much from a movie like you? That’s just it, VALENTINE you had all the leeway in the world from me and you still couldn’t pull it off. Do you think before you say anything? Because every other word that comes out of your mouth makes no sense. I feel like I’m watching a police video of a drunk failing to walk a simple straight line and then proudly and pitifully congratulating their imagined success.

I’m not going to say a bad word about DAVID BOREANAZ because he’s ANGEL and his dad is a beloved local celebrity DAVE ROBERTS. I don’t even think I can rag on poor DENISE RICHARDS, I kind of feel sorry for her. Attacking her seems akin to throwing a mackerel at the village whore after she’s been gang raped by sailors. I will say that, as usual, KATHERINE HEIGL gives off the air of just barely being able to tolerate her surroundings. Am I the only one who gets a ready to implode postal worker vibe from this lady? (That’s not an insult, I dig the disgruntled) There are other people in this movie too but they end up just turning into one big blonde blob. Oh god, and they had to put a detective in here who tries to explain the plot and then just drives around in circles by himself waiting for his chance to die…off camera no less! Are you serious?

Even the killer irks me; speaking as a nerd, if you are dumb enough to ask the prettiest girls in your school to dance with you than you deserve the rejection you get, and speaking as a vengeful psychopath, if a bunch of boys stripped me and then beat the crap out of me at a dance I’d be murdering THEM not the aforementioned girls. I suppose the cupid mask is sort of scary or at least it could have been if the smallest effort was put into how it was presented. Was this really directed by the guy who did the somewhat serviceable URBAN LEGENDS?

Oh well VALENTINE; I guess it was never meant to be and I’m just not that into you. It doesn’t seem like you tried very hard or cared very much anyway. Did you think I wouldn’t notice your chronic insincerity?

As we stand now you can’t ever say that I didn’t give you a second chance.

Oh and by the way, I totally DID notice that you stole your ending from ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)…real classy.

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Tags: General Horror · Holidays · V.D.

“A Happy Valentine’s Day Horror”

February 14th, 2010 · 3 Comments

This tender valentine comes courtesy of Kindertrauma crush DREW DAYWALT who knows that the quickest way into the hearts of your Unkle Lancifer & Aunt John is a shout-out in the end credits.

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Tags: Holidays · Kinder-Flix · V.D.

Enjoy Your V-D! Love, Kinder!

February 14th, 2010 · 3 Comments

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Tags: Holidays · V.D.