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Twelve Horror Houses You Should Avoid When Trick-or-Treating.

October 30th, 2011 · 11 Comments

It’s time to go trick-or-treating again but why waste your time on houses that don’t deliver? Here are twelve horror homes that we recommend avoiding!

12. HOUSE OF WAX
This place? The only “candy” they hand out are those wax soda bottles with colored juice inside. Unless you are a fan of those things, don’t bother.

11. CREEPSHOW Billy’s House
Don’t be fooled by the pumpkin in the window! Billy’s dad is cranky and not such a fan of horror in general.

10. HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES
Props go to the Firefly family for their year round commitment to Halloween decorations but unless you have time to sit through an amateur variety show, it’s not worth the trouble.

9. HELL NIGHT (Garth Manor)
One two many Gorks. ‘Nuff said.

8. TRICK ‘R TREAT (Steven’s house)
I should probably warn you about Principal Wilkins’ house because he and his son Billy are liable to carve your decapitated head like a pumpkin but instead, I say stay away from Mr. Kreeg’s place because he thinks generic peppermints are passable as treats!

7. THE HAUNTING (Hill House)
This place is far off the beaten track and once there nobody will be around if you need help. No one lives any nearer than town. No one will come any nearer than that. In the night. In the dark.

6. HALLOWEEN (The Myers house)
The place has been abandoned for years and not only will you not get any candy, you may bit hit by a stray rock thrown by an angry mob of Haddonfield locals!

5. FRIDAY THE 13th part 2 (Jason’s shack)
Yes, hillbilly Jason has THE BEST Halloween centerpiece for his table in the form of the rotting decapitated head of his mother but other than that the place is still a shack and the candy he hands out is super low end (Mary Janes)!

4. PSYCHO 2 (The Bates house)
Speaking of dead mothers, you might as well skip Norman’s house when trick or treating too. Not only are the front stairs a bitch to climb, but who in their right mind hands out toasted cheese sandwiches for treats?

3. POLTERGEIST (The Freeling house)
This house folded up into itself and then disappeared into another dimension and with no front door to knock on, it’s really a waste of valuable trick or treating time.

2. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
This place offers the opposite of candy because the opposite of candy is being shoved on a meat hook. Am I wrong?

1. CARRIE (The White House)
Talk about evil! Rather than candy, Margaret White hands out Chick tracts!

BONUS TIP: If you find you’ve eaten too much Halloween candy this year just stop by THE CHANGELING (1980) house on November first! Nothing burns calories faster than running away from a ghost powered wheelchair!

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Tags: General Horror · Halloween · Holidays · Plug It Up!

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Help Carrie White!

May 27th, 2011 · 12 Comments

Christ on a cracker! Carrie’s secret magic powers have gotten her in a fix again by messing up the library. The timing could not be worse because here comes Tommy Ross to ask her out on a date! Can you help Carrie the teenage witch find the ten differences in the library before it’s too late? Hurry before she burns in hell! (Click to enlarge!)

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Tags: Kindertrauma Funhouse · Plug It Up!

Kinder-News:: Kindertrauma Nominated for “Best Fan Blog” By Total Film!

January 7th, 2011 · 6 Comments

UNK SEZ:: Hey look at this! KINDERTRAUMA has been nominated for “Best Fan Blog” by TOTAL FILM. Many other fine blogs were nominated as well, including some of our bestest pals. We hate to grade-grub but we’ll do it anyway, if you like what we do here give us a high five via a click vote! Thanks times a million for recognizing us TOTAL FILM and remember folks, vote for KINDERTRAUMA because we don’t even want to go to college! Check out the ballot HERE!

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Tags: Kinder-Topix · Plug It Up! · The Teaches of Peaches · Trauma Au Courant

Carrie (Brat Productions)

October 11th, 2010 · 2 Comments

Historically, theater and your dear old Aunt John have had a rocky relationship. Admittedly, I have the attention span of a gnat doing the backstroke in bongwater and the prospect of sitting in a captive position without a regulated commercial break, whereby I can catch a smoke, escalates my innate fidgetiness. I am the last person you want to watch a DVD with if you require absolute silence (UNK SEZ: for serious!) or, moreover, drag to a play. I have walked out on more theatrical productions at intermission than I can recall — ’cause that’s I how roll — and yeah, I’m looking at you TOMMY.

That said, I had some personal reservations when I read that local theater company BRAT was mounting a production of CARRIE, a comedy by ERIK JACKSON, based on the novel by STEPHEN KING. And by personal reservations, I mean could I sit still long enough without embarrassing or otherwise raising the ire of Unkle Lancifer?

Well dear readers, after last night’s outing, I am happy to say that I sat completely enraptured, when I wasn’t comprising my bladder control from laughing, and I did not once give your Unk pause to pretend to not know me. More importantly though, stop whatever it is that you are doing, you have got to go see this stage version of CARRIE! I don’t care where you live… now is the time to visit Philadelphia, so get your ass on the BoltBus or JetBlue, and see this chestnut before the final curtain drops on November 7th.

Seriously, I could care less about the Tonys, but if I had the power to be kingmaker and give out such awards, this whole cast gets gold stars. LEAH WALTON steals every last scene in her PIPER LAURIE as channeled by ANDREA MARTIN interpretation of Carrie’s kooky mom Margaret White. She does meet her match head on at a poorly attended Tupperware Party (the rapid-fire ‘70s references abounding in this play are beyond awesome) when COLLEEN CORCORAN shows up as Carrie’s concerned gym teacher, Miss Gardner. CORCORAN is so on her A-Game as she puts Carrie’s bullies (Chris Hargensen, et al.) through what could best be described as a jazzercise showdown.

The play cleverly mashes up the classic novel with the ingenious film and yet has enough of its own gumption to throw in a couple of elements all its own. The music is amazing and the timing on the “Carrie” cue in a certain KANSAS song is beyond impressive. The occasionally wonky special effects don’t stand a chance in hell… they are stomped on by the fearless and improvisation-ready cast. Expect more hilarity than horror. If you haven’t figured out what makes this archetypal tale a permanent go-to, the message is spelled out for you before the curtain closes. Individuality is a gift not a curse. Go BRAT and go CARRIE… it is a SNELL of a good time!

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Tags: Kinder-Theater · Plug It Up! · Trauma-Mommas