ANNOUNCER: Good morning boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress Second Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.
UNKLE: Wait, is that a float I see driving down the street?
AUNTIE: Oh, sweet baby Jesus… that is, hands down, cross my heart and hope to die, the scariest thing I have ever seen! If it gets any closer I am going to S-C-R-E-A-M!
UNKLE: Wait, I don’t get it. What is so frightening about that? It’s just a bed.
AUNTIE: Sure it’s a bed, but do you care to guess the thread counts on those sheets? I don’t even think it’s real Egyptian cotton, and those throw pillows… S-C-A-R-Y!
UNKLE: I liked the BLAIR WITCH float better, too bad it caught on fire.
AUNTIE: Yea who would have guessed sticks were so flammable. Moving on, perhaps you’ll find our first marcher a little scary. It’s FatherOfTears making the first of his three scheduled appearances in today’s parade. Here is from 1971 as Casper the Friendly Ghost.
UNKLE: You’re right, those pants are frightening.
AUNTIE: You better stop clowning around.
UNKLE: Speaking of clowns, who’s that with the pumpkin?
AUNTIE: Why it’s none other than RATSAWGOD. Let’s throw it down to him to hear what he has to say:
RATSAWGOD: My mother made this cute wittle clown costume from scratch, and dressed me every Halloween… until I was old enough to demand a generic plastic Halloween costume for myself. Stupid, stupid me.
UNKLE: There, there RAT, there’s nothing stupid about plastic Halloween costumes.
AUNTIE: True dat UNK! Just ask Reader Shelley S. and her kitchen full of Ben Cooper-clad pals:
SHELLEY S.: This is Halloween ’78 – must have been a big year for STAR WARS costumes. I am the confused, little bunny, a few weeks shy of my second birthday, about to embark on my first Trick-or-Treat with my playdate buddy in the clown costume. My dad thought it would be a great idea to pull a handful of the neighbor kids into our kitchen and snap a picture of the occasion. Of the four kids up front, my mom can still name who was who, but I forget. Forgive the blotched out faces…don’t want to get sued or anything!
AUNTIE: Shelley is right, 1978 was the year of the STAR WARS costume.
UNK: Good God, what sort of little weirdo would voluntarily dress up as that golden fussbudget C-3PO?
UNK: No, I mean really, this kid on the far right could have been someone really cool like Han Solo, Grand Moff Tarkin or even a Jawa… but instead he really thought C-3PO was the way to go? What a loser.
AUNTIE: Zip it dude… that gold lamé droid is me! My older brothers got first dibs on the Darth Vader and Storm Trooper costumes, and my Mom flat-out refused my suggestion that I go out as Princess Leia… so C-3PO it was.
UNKLE: I guess they didn’t make Aunt Beru costumes.
AUNTIE: No, they didn’t, and if you keep it up, I’m going strut my way out the door.
AUNTIE: No, not really, but I think my feelings would be best expressed by an interpretative dance by the legendary KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS! Take it away girls:
AUNTIE: Thanks girls! Say, what’s up with the weather today? One minute it’s nice and sunny, and the next it’s overcast. I don’t want to jinx things, but it almost looks like it could…
AUNTIE: Yep, and you know what they say about showers?
UNK: Umm, do I really have to say this?
AUNTIE: Just read the cue cards or I will get someone in here WHO CAN!
UNK: Ugggh… this joke isn’t even seasonally appropriate… they bring May flowers.
AUNTIE: That’s right UNK, and if we all learned anything in high school history class, the Mayflower brought us Pilgrims. Chubby little Pilgrims!
UNK: Why look, it’s none other than Emmy Dumas, sister of Andre Dumas of THE HORROR DIGEST.
ANDRE: Today my Mom thought…”What would be a good costume for a 3 year old? cute pumpkin? A cuddly lion? Oh I know! A chubby pilgrim!!!” Isn’t she adorable?
AUNTIE: She’s totes adorable!
UNK: Ugghhh… I hate that word totes… this parade is becoming a nightmare.
AUNTIE: That’s right… A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Here’s FatherOfTears in his second costume of the day:
FATHEROFTEARS: Next is me around Halloween 1988 as Freddy. I’ve lost count on as to how many eggs of Silly Putty were glued to my face & head! Someone in the house owned a orange shirt with dark stripes and I had the hat from my high school days… I was on a TOM BAKER DOCTOR WHO kick back then. Anyway, I actually drove to my college with that makeup on. How I didn’t crash I don’t know. It was dark, I couldn’t wear my glasses and I couldn’t fully turn my neck due to the glued on mess on my head!
UNK: Dark you say? I think our next two little marchers might know a thing or two about spending Halloween in the dark.
AUNTIE: Brilliant segue UNK! Here’s Kinderpal Mickster to describe her nephew & niece’s outfits.
MICKSTER: Zac (AKA Zackster) is ALF, Halloween 1987. This was an interesting Halloween. The power went off all over my small town around 3:00 that Saturday and stayed off until 8:30 P.M. It was really creepy when the sun went down. I will always remember the Halloween blackout of 1987.
MICKSTER: Brittany (AKA Brit-Brit) is a tiger, Halloween 1988. She, unfortunately, is too young to remember the blackout from the year before because she was 10 months old at the time. She was a cute little tiger!
AUNTIE: Brit-Brit really is the cat’s meow!
UNK: Funny you would use the word meow AUNTIE, since none other than Mickster’s cat is our next entrant.
AUNTIE: Get a load of Count Von Whiskersen! That’s a really cool cape for a really cool cat.
UNK: Speaking of cool cats in cool capes, it looks like Mickster’s husband Professor Von Whiskerson just showed up in a matching Dracula costume!
PROF: Of all the costumes I had as a child, I only remember being a vampire more than one year. This pic is from 1981, according to my sister the family historian (who scanned them in). My mother did the makeup, complete with painted on “Widow’s Peak,” and those fake plastic vampire teeth that make you drool so bad you’re constantly making Drac-like sucking noises. This was obviously back in the day when we counted on our kids to keep their asses out from in front of a speeding car, judging by the amount of dark clothes I’m wearing. Maybe that was a secondary reason for the white sash, although it wouldn’t even be visible from behind, what with the awesome black cape.
AUNTIE: Indeed Prof., black capes really are awesome!
UNK: Did you both just use the A-word?
AUNTIE: What are you deaf? Yeah, we both said awesome.
UNK: Awww, that word makes me think of Mr. Canacorn who has been on hiatus from his NSFW blog AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE.
AUNTIE: There, there UNK, I miss that big lug too, but you know what?
AUNTIE: In a KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE first, we have a second-generation parader… Mr. Canacorn’s son Chuy is here as a Werewolf. Let’s throw it over to the lovely and talented Mrs. Canacorn (of Lucky Kitty fame) for the details:
MRS. CANACORN: I made his hat (not the ears, but I did sew them on), attached faux fur to his shirt and made his little wolfy shoes… enjoy!
AUNTIE: How I love me some fuzzy shoes.
UNK: Well then check out the mitts on our next parader… it’s Yao Ming, a.k.a. the Orange Menace from ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC!
AUNTIE: All this cat fur is drying out my sinuses and making me feel parched, can you pass me that bottle of juice under the console?
UNK: Yeah… I got your juice right here… BEETLEJUICE that is. Take it away FatherOfTears:
FATHEROFTEARS: The last one is from 1990 as some ghost in a TIM BURTON movie. Mother had to make the costume. I did the rest… O.K. someone in the house had to spray the colors on my hair! I didn’t put makeup on the hands, as I didn’t want white stuff all over the furniture. Oh, if you look closely on the piano, you can see my high school senior picture. DORK!!!!! Sadly, this costume was destroyed in a 1992 college party while I was tossed around in a mosh pit.
UNK: I would be a total basket case if my costume got ruined like that.
AUNTIE: Well it’s looks like our final entry should have no worries.
UNK: Damn, that’s a solid looking number.
UNK: Wait, where’s Joe?
AUNTIE: He promises to send us a picture later tonight when he wears it out.
UNK: Speaking of wearing it out, I’m done with this banter, these goofy segues and horrible jokes.
AUNTIE: Looks like someone is ready for his nap, and with that, this concludes the SECOND ANNUAL KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE. Special thanks to today’s participants: FatherOfTears (x3), RATSAWGOD, Shelley S., my two older brothers, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, Emmy Dumas, Mickster’s niece Brit-Brit and nephew Zak, Professor Von Whiskerson (the cat), Professor Von Whiskerson (the man), Chuy Canacorn (and his rockin’ parents!), Yao Ming and owner Jen, and Joe from C.W.B.I.H.
And last not but, not least, special thanks to you the readers of Kindertrauma!