We’re talking about Netflix Streaming again so…woot. With so much super crappy stuff going on in the world it seems dumb to stay mad at Netflix, especially when they offer great spectacular entertainment like the movie we’re talking about today, the incredible HERCULES (1983). I must thank my golden pal Kate of LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE for today’s choice. It was Kate’s enthusiastic review (HERE) that convinced me that I had to check it out. Her always wonderful writing and choice selections of screenshots were convincing enough but the deal was set in stone when she informed me that this opus was directed by LOUIS COATES aka LUIGI COZZI, the man responsible for one of my starving eyeball’s favorites feasts STAR CRASH.
As Kate mentions in her piece, Italian director CAOTES/COZZI tends to deliver snuggable rip-offs of American hits. STAR CRASH butted in line behind STAR WARS; the sticky CONTAMINATION plopped down in place after ALIEN, and HERCULES swipes pies from both CLASH OF THE TITANS and CONAN THE BARBARIAN’s window. Talent borrows, genius steals and super geniuses steal and add Christmas lights and cleavage. If you want me to tell you the plot of HERCULES, have a nice wait. All I can say is that it offers the only satisfying explanation of the creation of the universe that I have ever heard and it supports my own personal theory that if there are higher powers at work, then they totally get off on sticking invisible “kick me!” signs on all of our backs.
Furthermore, I’ll take LOU FERRIGNO over ARNOLD any day of the week. They both look like clown-crafted, ready-to-pop balloon animals but only LOU has humanity in his peepers. I don’t even care that his voice is clearly dubbed in HERCULES, if I had my way, we’d all be dubbed. Hey, this is not a movie to turn towards if you are looking for master acting or lucid storytelling anyway. This is the type you just sit back and bask in the beauty of. I’m sorry but this truly is my idea of lovely, everything sparkles and glows and there are a thousand clashing colors and it’s like huffing at the trash dump and seeing rats as stallions and roaches as swans. It’s all swimming in makeshift extravagance and tin can opulence and fishing wire prosperity. If it doesn’t cure you, then you are not sick. Words, schmords, blorbs. It’s better to look at the pictures….