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Entries from January 2014

Kindertrauma Decoder Puzzle!

January 31st, 2014 · 6 Comments

IT’S KINDERTRAUMA DECODER PUZZLE!

1. Identify the clues above.

2. Combine the clues. What do they have in common?

3. Fill in the blank with your guess:

THE HORROR OF ____________.

The first person who gets it right will find a free pizza hidden somewhere in their home.

That’s not true. Please don’t look for it.

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Tags: Kindertrauma Funhouse · Lies About Free Pizza

The Horror of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

January 30th, 2014 · 6 Comments

BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY is a horror fan’s friend. Don’t you remember that scary space vampire? All right, maybe he wasn’t that scary but his influence on the usually unflappable Col. Deering (ERIN GRAY of JASON GOES TO HELL) sure was. Wilma got wacky.

And remember when our pal JAMIE LEE CURTIS needed a break from being chased by an unstoppable killing machine in HALLOWEEN and being chased by an unstoppable killing machine in HALLOWEEN 2 and so she stopped by Buck’s neck of the universe to get chased by an unstoppable killing machine in space? While wearing pajamas? Even in space, orange is the new black!

No folks, you can’t escape from horror, not even in the 25th century! Let’s look at some other instances where horror acted like peanut butter and Buck (THE STEPDAUGHTER’s GIL GERARD) acted like chocolate and they both smooshed together in mutual space flavored deliciousness!

Awakening, Part 1 & 2

Yikes, mutants! Mutants are not the living dead but they sure seem to have graduated from the same charm school. Watch them try to kill Buck in a foggy graveyard of all places!

Planet of the Slave Girls, Part 1 & 2

This one has got both JACK PALANCE of ALONE IN THE DARK and WITHOUT WARNING and RODDY McDOWALL of LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE and FRIGHT NIGHT!

Vegas in Space

Hooray it’s RICHARD LYNCH of BAD DREAMS and THE PREMONITION and PAMELA SUSAN SHOOP of HALLOWEEN II!

The Plot to Kill a City: Parts 1 & 2

Geez Buck, what’s with all of these two parters? Well, this one doesn’t have any horror people in it. Wait! Ack! It’s ANTHONY JAMES the evil chauffer from BURNT OFFERINGS behind that mask! Oh, I must go cry in a corner now.

Return of the fighting 69th

The hits keep coming! This episode features ROBERT QUARRY of COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE and its sequel, DR. PHIBES RISES AGAIN, MADHOUSE and SUGAR HILL!

Unchained Woman

This is that famous JAMIE LEE CURTIS episode that I already mentioned but wait that’s not all! Look! It’s dear TARA BUCKMAN who not only played a chummy sidekick of horror royalty ADRIENNE BARBEAU in THE CANNONBALL RUN but made her own permanent slash on the genre in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

Planet of the Amazon Women

It’s pretty ANN DUSENBERRY of that LIES (1985) flick I love so much and look there’s JAY “Dr. Shrinker” ROBINSON who was in BRAM STOKER’s DRACULA and THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER among others! This episode also famously contains one of the few times in television that a grilled cheese sandwich was used in a threat…

Cosmic Wiz Kid

It’s that pesky GARY COLEMAN episode. In an obvious attempt to infuriate me, nobody ever cast GARY COLEMAN in a horror film. Jokes on them, for if they had, that movie would be seen, loved and owned by every single human that is not an imbecile. I’m not bothered, I’m undaunted, we’ll just have to go the proximity route; Willis did TWICE DEAD, Kimberly was in EXCORCIST 2 and good old Dudley is in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5. Oh, and Adelaide was totally in MORTUARY ACADEMY. If unsatisfied please consider the HELLO LARRY crossover episodes which featured KIM “I wanted a Vanilla twist” RICHARDS and the legendary DONNA WILKES (ANGEL, GROTESQUE, BLOOD SONG).

Escape From Wedded Bliss

In this episode nemesis Princess Ardala’s right hand man Kane gets a facelift. He is now portrayed by MICHAEL ANSARA (THE MANITOU, IT’S ALIVE) rather than HENRY SILVA (1979”s THIRST).

Cruise Ship to the Stars

Here’s a good one! FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 4’s KIMBERLY BECK is a “transmute” which means she transforms into an entirely different person whenever she’s having a bad day. LEIGH McCLOWSKY, star of DARO ARGENTO’s INFERNO tries to exploit her talents in order to off GALIXINA’s DOROTHY STRATTEN!

This LOVE BOAT -inspired gem gets additional points because the background extras are either in bathing suits or disco dancing, Twiki meets a robo- girlfriend and Wilma is forced to wear a MARCIA WALLACE wig.

Space Vampire

Still a better love story than TWILIGHT!Har-har, I always wanted to say that. Now I feel cheap- and yet somehow closer to my fellow man. This episode is a stone cold classic. And really, you can view it as a vampire vs. werewolf tale because look who guest stars in it! Why, it’s THE HOWLING’S CHRISTOPHER STONE wearing a moustache that puts the space vampire’s unibrow to shame! Take that, evil Volvron!

Happy Birthday Buck

Every 534th birthday party should have PETER MacLEAN of SQUIRM, MORGAN BRITTANY of SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT and THE INITIATION OF SARAH and TAMARACleopatra JonesDOBSON on the guest list.

A Blast For Buck

I’m glad somebody is having a good time. Geez, Buck what the hell are you doing having a clip show in your first season? Bee deep Bee Deep Bee deep indeed.

Ardala Returns

Wow, that Ardala sure can’t take a hint. Now she’s just looking desperate. She’s gone and made clones of Buck! Did Kane really just ask “ What could she be doing with three Buck Rogers for almost an hour and a half?” Maybe I’ll just ignore that and point out that feline henchman “Tigerman” is now played by wrestling legend HARD BOILED HAGGERTY who’s also in the classic TV movie CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977) and DEATHSPORT (1978).

Twiki is Missing

This is a favorite because it features underrated scream queen ANNE-MARIE MARTIN of THE BOOGENS, PROM NIGHT and a tiny smidge of a scene in HALLOWEEN II fame. She plays a space angel with CARRIE-esque telekinetic powers.

Did you know our ANNE -MARIE was once married to MICHAEL CRICHTON and that JURASSIC PARK is dedicated to her? She’s also really into horses and owns a MAGRITTE. All right, she’s my new hero and I’m not just saying that because she got 31 million dollars in the divorce settlement.

Olympiad

I hate to break it to Vladimir Putin but if this episode is any indication, the future of the Olympics looks super gay. Here we get JUDITH CHAPMAN who was in 1991’s DEAD SPACE, DAY OF THE ANIMALS & THE MANITOU’s PAUL MANTEE, PAUL COUFOS of 976 EVIL 2, FOOD OF THE GODS 2 and CHOPPING MALL and BARNEY Mc FADDEN of SALEM’S LOT.

A Dream of Jennifer

Buck meets a gal who looks exactly like the girl he left behind and she’s played by beautiful ANNE LOCKHART. Did you know LOCKHART was JOHN CARPENTER’s first pick to play Laurie Strode in HALLOWEEN? It’s true. I don’t make stuff up. It’s hard now to imagine anybody else besides CURTIS playing Laurie but I totally get where CARPENTER was coming from and it’s not too hard to imagine lil’ DANIELLE HARRIS staring at this photo mournfully in PART 4

You’ll also find in this episode, PAUL KOSLO of XTRO II, OMEGA MAN and ROBO JOX, JESSIE LAWRENCE FERGUSON of JC’s PRINCE OF DARKNESS and the coolest person who ever walked on the face of the Earth, MARY WORONOV (SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHTROCK & ROLL HIGH SCHOOL and many more.) Let me also state that WORONOV is a gifted writer and painter and an all around national treasure.

Space Rockers

I hate when people do this but I’m doing it anyway: Best. Episode. Ever. I’m sorry, but Just look at that title “space Rockers” and let it ferment in your brain. Now try to comprehend that this baby also features two of the sexiest people in entertainment, RICHARDNIGHT TRAIN TO TERRORMOLL and JUDYHELLHOLELANDERS! Youch! This rocket ride is so hot it should come with a cold meteor shower!

Buck’s Duel to the Death

Oh no, things are getting serious now; Buck must fight “the Traybor”! The Traybor is half robot, shoots lightening and is played by WILLIAM SMITH of INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS and MANIAC COP who everybody knows can beat up anyone even without the help of lightening. HEIDI BOHAY of 1982’s SUPERSTITION is not going to be of much help!

Flight of the War Witch

Now it’s time for a very special two hour-long season ender. Buck gets lost in a wormhole, meets a nasty space witch named Zarina (Thanks for almost-everything JULIE NEWMAR) and somehow poor Princess Ardala (PAMELA HEMSLEY) finds a new dimension to humiliate herself in. If you want horror stars you got em! How’s about PSYCHO & PSYCHO II’s VERA MILES and living legend SID HAIG (SPIDER BABY, HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES)?

All right, now it’s time to bid farewell! I was going to do season two as well but that’s just crazy. Maybe some other time, how does never work for you? There is a very creepy Satyr episode in season 2, I can tell you that much. But right now I’m beat and I’m bushed. In fact, I feel like I could sleep for a couple hundred years! Maybe a little “disco inferno” will wake me up…

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Tags: General Horror · Kindertrauma in Space

Kinder-link:: 2 Warps to Neptune & Blanked as Ordered

January 27th, 2014 · 11 Comments

I don’t have my homework today not because the dog ate it but because I simply didn’t do it. I got too distracted! It’s not my fault. I blame Mickster and Frank Stallone. Ya see, Mickster told me about this Lynda Carter TV movie called HOTLINE (1982) on YoutTube and while I was watching it, Frank Stallone just appeared out of nowhere. Now, I love Frank Stallone more than a million Sylvester Stallones and so I had to verify it was him, which I did, but then I found a beautiful TV GUIDE ad for HOTLINE and that took me to this place called 2 WARPS TO NEPTUNE and that place was so great that I ended up being trapped there for hours and hours and I got nothing done. I didn’t even find out what happened to Lynda Carter in HOTLINE!

One of my favorite posts on 2 WARPS TO NEPTUNE comes courtesy of yet another amazing site called BLANKED AS ORDERED. It’s very well suited for Kindertrauma and so I must share. It’s a collection of drawing done by a fellow named Ryan Orvis and his late sister Ginger when they were kids. The two went to go see THE BLACK HOLE together and were so flabbergasted and traumatized by the experience that they immediately took to cathartically relating their ordeal through art. These drawings are fantastic! I want them all hung and framed on my wall (which is incidentally wallpapered with a THE BLACK HOLE bed sheet)! Which reminds me, don’t you hate it in movies when they show a kid’s drawing and it so obviously not drawn by a kid but by an adult trying to replicate the way a kid draws? That is one of my biggest pet peeves! First of all, it’s so obvious and secondly, why not just hire a real kid to draw it for crying out loud! How hard is that?

So shoo folks! Nothing new here today but do stop by 2 WARPS TO NEPTUNE and BLANKED AS ORDERED– that’s where I’ll be.

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Tags: Kinder-Link

Sunday Viewing:: The Possessed (1977)

January 26th, 2014 · No Comments

What an excellent day for an exorcism! Who in the name of God could be compelled to miss a TV movie that stars DEAD AND BURIED‘s JAMES FARENTINO, JAWS 2‘s ANN DUSENBERRY, CHILD’S PLAY‘s DINAH MADOFF, HALLOWEEN‘s P.J. SOLES and HARRISON FORD of the smash hit REGARDING HENRY? Full review HEREabouts.

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

The Curse of VHS Funhouse

January 24th, 2014 · 8 Comments

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Tags: Kindertrauma Funhouse

Traumafession Trio:: By Reader Rob G.

January 23rd, 2014 · No Comments

Rob, born 1970….

Jaws” – still can’t stand deep water.

Dracula” – w/ Frank Langella, especially vampire Lucy in the crypt.

Nightmare on Elm Street” – mostly the last scene w/ mom pulled through the door.

The Exorcist never affected me, Godzilla looked cuddly and Jason Voorhees just killed stupid people; but the above gave me serious creeps growing up.

Never felt those sort of scares again until the J-Horror / Ringu / Ju-On era.

great site,

Rob

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Tags: Traumafessions

My Night Gallery Traumafession By Senski

January 20th, 2014 · 9 Comments

This Traumafession is likely to go on a bit, guys; please indulge me.

I was born in 1962, too young to be a fan of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone. Since I was raised in a small town, and in the era before cable, I was severely limited by what I could see in syndication; for almost two decades that television institution that was TZ eluded me, and I would not see my first episode until I was almost 20. However, I was a regular reader of Gold Key’s entertaining TZ comic book – a title I began collecting when I was five. Through its illustrated pages I discovered that every tale was presented by a dapper man named Rod Serling, much in the same way that horror comics were graced by hosts in prior decades. Was he a writer? Director? Actor? I did not really know, but I knew he was associated with all things eerie and fantastical, and that made him a kindred spirit to me.

Then one day in 1969 I was flipping through the pages of a TV Guide – how exciting it was to see what entertainments lay in store for the week ahead! – and there, eight days after Halloween, was a highlighted box promoting a new TV movie named Night Gallery – hosted by Rod Serling! Missing it was unthinkable. I can still remember being curled up on the end of our old green sofa, pillow at the ready to stick in front of my face. The gentleman on the screen looked a little older than the one drawn in the comics; the hair a bit more modern, the skin more lined and leathery, but it was him. And with a voice like he possessed, how could he present anything BUT the weird and wonderful? The first tale,”The Cemetery,” was simply the most frightening thing I had seen in my life up to that point. I stayed awake for “Eyes” but had to be trundled off to bed by the end of “The Escape Route;” I was slipping in and out of sleep.

But I knew this: I was mesmerized. And my devotion to Mr Serling began in earnest on November 8, 1969.

When NG returned to NBC’s schedule in 1970 as part of the “Four-in-One” concept with a mere six episodes, I was ready, and far better at fending off sleep till the end of an episode. For the next three years, NG would become perhaps the greatest pop cultural touchstone in my life. My friends and I would reenact episodes on the playground, quote lines from Serling‘s intros (The Doll: “…and this one you’d best not play with”), and I, little nerd that I was, always got to play Television Horror Anthology Host. When we had to write plays for a 4th Grade class, I wrote a NG episode about a demonic hotel guest who refused to check out – and the painting was a Crayola masterwork of said demon hovering over the Planet Earth. I looked up the stories by the authors featured on the show, beginning a love for short supernatural fiction that has remained undimmed by time. I can point to incidents in my life that occurred on evenings dedicated to viewing NG, so transfixed are those moments in the mind’s eye. In fact, as I type this, I am sitting beneath a print of Tom Wright‘s painting for “She’ll Be Company For You.”

Night Gallery made me who I am. It defines Horror for me. I am unabashed in my love for the series (with the exception of the humorous vignettes). It genuinely grieves me to hear how Serling was mistreated during the series run and how he largely disowned the enterprise, but when it was good – and that was often – it was brilliant. And if, heaven forfend, there are any Kinderpals who are not familiar with NG, start with The Caterpillar, The Sins of the Fathers, Green Fingers, Certain Shadows on the Wall, The Class of ’99…so many delights await.

But that is not the subject of this Traumafession.

At some point in the production of the series, Jack Laird filmed what we in the TV business would call B-roll (secondary footage) for inclusion. It consisted of a number of disembodied heads, dressed in black, and shot against a black backdrop; you can see some of these faces worked into the opening credits for the first and second seasons. But he also used a montage of these heads at the station break; the time for affiliates to sell local commercials. Backed up by a faster version of the main title theme, and obscured by the show’s title, I found these faces to be terrifying. I could not watch as the music played, finally peeking when the piece had climaxed. At 9:30 every Wednesday night I was trained to look away. To the best of my knowledge, this footage has never been included as supplementary material on any of the NG DVD releases, and has been unseen by the public for decades…until now.

Freshly posted to YouTube just a little over a month ago, these “bumpers” are back. According to the poster, they were courtesy of a gift from authors Scott Skelton and Jim Benson, whose book Night Gallery: An After-Hours Tour is not only the definitive volume on the show, but is a benchmark for how books covering a television series in-depth should be written. Scott and I communicated years ago on a forum dedicated to the show, and I was delighted to provide him with the printed stories behind several NG eps, for which he sent me a multi-CD set of music from that show that I treasure. Now at last I can see exactly what frightened me: Face Number Two. I imagined that bizarrely androgynous visage appearing over me while I slept, and woof! Sleep no more. There are three bumpers: 1) The full cut; 2) A tighter edit that eliminates the final face and speeds up the music; 3) The rather dull backdrop of gallery paintings backed by Eddie Sauter’s shrill Season Three theme.

Enjoy. And thanks for reading!

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Tags: Special Guest Stars · Telenasties · The Amazing Senski · Traumafessions

Sunday Streaming Double Feature: Sorority House Massacre 2 & Hard To Die

January 19th, 2014 · 1 Comment

Let’s go ahead and jump right past the first SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE movie. It’s a serviceable enough HALLOWEEN clone but we’ve got bigger, funnier, fish to fry. SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2 (1990) and its quasi-sequel from the same year (if not the same week) HARD TO DIE (1990) were both directed by frequent ROGER CORMAN crony JIM WYNORSKI (88’s NOT OF THIS EARTH). I recommend you watch them back to back for optimum results.

SHM2 concerns five young ladies who buy a house to use for their sorority. They get the place super cheap on account of all of the grisly murders that took place there. Soon they meet a creepy neighbor named Orville Ketchum who kindly relays the history of the house by inexplicably talking over flashback scenes from SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE rather than the previous SORORITY movie. Stock footage of lightening informs us that a storm is brewing and so naturally the girls change into nighties and grab a Ouija board. Hilarious hijinks and horrible hook murders ensue. It’s often said that a cult movie mustn’t be in on the joke to be any good and here’s proof that theory is full of hot air.

Now it’s time for HARD TO DIE (or SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 3). Most of the young ladies have returned to play different characters and the location has been moved to a towering skyscraper. Now watch as nearly the exact same events occur in a similarly structured script. Orville Ketchum is now the creepy janitor and he’s quick to explain the occurrences of the last film by again speaking over the exact same SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE scenes rather than SORORITY 2. Stock footage of lightening is shown (this time with a building in front of it) and as if trapped in some kind of surreal eternal loop the girls loose their clothes and begin fooling around with a damned puzzle box a’la HELLRAISER having upgraded from the Ouija Board. Again, as the characters one by one meet their doom, two useless detectives loiter about the film’s border only to arrive on the scene barely in time for the closing credits and the too late realization that Orville Ketchum is one very misunderstood man.

All signs point to these distorted mirror movie siblings being campy trash, and they are…and they’re also lazily brilliant and somehow Dada-esque. Balancing on a tightrope between parody and pastiche, they off handedly both celebrate and mock the redundancy of sequels and the trippy deja vu nature of oft-repeated genre clichés. Or maybe I just have a questionable sense of humor.

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

Space Raiders Space Puzzle From Space!

January 17th, 2014 · 7 Comments

These two space posters have ten space differences! Help space find them!

Aw, it’s SPACE RAIDERS! This is the charming tale of a precocious child who stows away on a spaceship and inadvertently causes the deaths of nearly every living creature who tries to help him get home. A mutant prostitute makes an appearance and so does an intergalactic singing chicken lady! Star DAVID MENDENHALL would go one to appear in the highest grossing arm wrestling movie of all time (OVER THE TOP). Check out the excitement and special effects borrowed from BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS below!

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Tags: Kindertrauma Funhouse

Kindertrauma Horror Mix Tape

January 15th, 2014 · 28 Comments

Sometimes I hate writing because it reminds me so much of talking and talking reminds me so much of a very loud headache factory I wish to demolish. And so I’m off to walk a dog named Nelson. Hey, let’s make a horror mix tape! Here are some songs that I must put on my horror mix tape. Please add as many songs as you can in the comment section so that I have something to listen to when I get back from walking the dog name Nelson. Thank You!

SIDE ONE

SIDE TWO

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Tags: I Have No Idea What This Is