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February 1st, 2010 by unkle lancifer · 6 Comments

I guess every horror movie dealing with religious themes born after 1973 must get up in the morning, brush its teeth, look in the mirror and say solemnly to itself, “I’m not THE EXORCIST.” STIGMATA’s morning ritual must be more disheartening than most; “I’m not THE EXORCIST, CHUMBAWUMA plays over my opening credits AND I take place in Pittsburgh.” Keep passing those open windows STIGMATA!

Actually, me thinks this flashy fin de siecle spooker merely masquerades as an EXCORCIST wannabe, what it secretly wants to dress up as is THE THORN BIRDS. Seriously, the “will they or won’t they?” electricity between wacky hairdresser/inflatable chair connoisseur Frankie Paige (PATRICIA ARQUETTE) and pasty and chastey smolder-boulder Father Andrew Kierman (monolith beaked, black Irish centerfold GABRIEL BYRNE) is of such wattage that I couldn’t stop hearing the theme from MOONLIGHTING in my head.

I’d loved to delve into the horrific aspects of STIGMATA, but they are virtually non-existent. My advice is, break out the Häagen-Dazs and sweat pants; this is a sexually repressed girly-girl goth fantasy on par with TWILIGHT. All the supernatural elements on display here seem tailor made to allow Frankie to get all googly eyed and date-rapey over an unavailable man without ever having to worry about loosing face. First her wrists begin to bleed (every cutter knows this is a great way to catch your dreamdate’s eye) then she gets possessed (the perfect excuse to say inappropriate things without ever being accountable) and needless to say, ultimately an outdoor café is involved. Hey, I’m not judging, we are talking about GABBY BYRNE here.

Sadly for horror fans Frankie doesn’t even bother getting possessed by Satan, instead she is forced to be the spokesperson for a dead priest who’s got a super secret message from Jesus that the church would rather you not hear. Yes, the church is EVIL in STIGMATA! Apparently Jesus meant to tell you that you can worship him from home and that you don’t even have to bother going to church. Wha-wha-what? Nice going Jesus, while you’re at it, why not just tell everybody that McDonald’s secret sauce is really just Thousand Island Dressing? Some of us are trying to make a living down here, ya know!

STIGMATA is indisputable trash, hardly horror and very noticeably uninterested in its own subject matter yet it does possess a certain come hither Lifetime movie charm that’s difficult to completely renounce. Director RUPERT WAINRIGHT (who would later take a dump in a handbag and call it a remake of THE FOG) goes completely overboard with the visuals, so much so that much of the movie feels like being trapped in a very leaky URBAN OUTFITTERS, but oh, doesn’t 1999 look sparkly and adorable in its naiveté? Maybe I’m just a Mr. Softy for MTV flavored tales sprinkled with unrequited love, but I’d slap the hand of anyone who tried to turn this shit off. I kinda always knew I had the heart of a teenage girl but STIGMATA proves that I have the heart of a not very bright teenage girl with buck teeth, glasses and a regrettable perm.

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Tags: sexy priests/Chumbawamba

6 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Feb 1, 2010 at 10:30 am

    This is one of those movies I loved the first hour of and hated the last half hour of. I later met someone who raved about it and I wondered if maybe I had judged it too harshley? I just remember it being a neat hit with me and then having a ending that totally ruined it.Its one of those”almost” movies for me.

  • 2 ChrisNo Gravatar // Feb 1, 2010 at 10:49 am

    I think it was 99 (give or take a year) when all those goofy religious horror flicks were coming out, and I had to see every one… Stigmata, Bless the Child, Lost Souls, End of Days… and they all pretty much sucked I thought.

    Stigmata however, sucked the least in my opinion(okay, maybe Bless the Child could take that crown, seeing how it had Angela Bettis and Christina Ricci), but that was only due to the “message” of worship wherever and however you want really hitting me where it counted (it was a time of faith questioning in ol’ Chris’ world).

    I’d still never watch it again, once was enough, but I do give the soundtrack a spin every so often. Billy Corgan’s score, and Chumbawamba’s tune are just sometimes required listening.

  • 3 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Feb 1, 2010 at 11:29 am


    I agree, once you find out what’s going on it all kind of falls apart. If Frankie is just being used to relay a message, why the hell would she have to go through all that? 
    I dig this soundtrack too, Corgan did a great job… those few simple keys that are replayed throughout the movie really set a mood. Stigmata is probably the best of the end of the world flicks from 1999/20000. Even though Lost souls was kind of boring I remember that visually it was really cool. I think I’m gonna watch that one again soon. I think I am going through some strange late nineties nostalgia thing right now…

  • 4 Professor Von WhiskersenNo Gravatar // Feb 1, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Rarely do I regret seeing  a horror movie.  This was one of those “rare” movies.  It ranks right up there with The Crow: City of Angels.
    Come to think of it, it ranks right up there with City of Angels, too…
    I guess I’m just too superficial.  I don’t remember anything about the movie except frequently turning and scowling at my friend who’d made me go see it.

  • 5 NiNiNo Gravatar // Feb 2, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    This is why I <3 you, Unk… you’re unafraid to own up to your love of a bad movie, and that makes you a man after my own heart. Stigmata holds a place on my own dvd shelf right alongside the many other awful movies that I love. (Mind you, I buy them used and on the cheap, but still…) And yes, the mid to late 90s brought us a real bumper crop of these stylish-but-terrible movies!

  • 6 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Feb 2, 2010 at 10:07 pm


    My copy of Stigmata cost me 3 whole dollars! It is terrible and I’d watch it again in a second…
    By the way is this not the BEST Patricia Arquette impersonation….

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