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February 15th, 2010 by unkle lancifer · 10 Comments

I know it wasn’t very imaginative of me to watch VALENTINE on the 14th but it’s done and now I must write about it otherwise I watched it for nothing and that would kill me. I just thought I’d give this one another chance, you know I love slasher films and I thought so much time has passed since my last viewing of it that maybe it would be fun in a nostalgic way or something. Well, the road to hellish boredom is paved with those crappy cardboard Warner Brothers DVD covers that I hate…when will I ever learn? Thankfully I’m a firm believer in when life hands you lemons, slice them in half, pour salt and Tabasco sauce on them and suck hard…

Speaking of sucking hard, VALENTINE, I am like the one person in the world who could love you even though you’re trash but ya’ know what? I just can’t do it.’ I’m sorry; it isn’t me it’s you. I mean it’s REALLY YOU. You are pointless and passionless and you take the simplest premise in the world and you lame it up with piles and piles of unnecessary garbage. Am I expecting too much from a movie like you? That’s just it, VALENTINE you had all the leeway in the world from me and you still couldn’t pull it off. Do you think before you say anything? Because every other word that comes out of your mouth makes no sense. I feel like I’m watching a police video of a drunk failing to walk a simple straight line and then proudly and pitifully congratulating their imagined success.

I’m not going to say a bad word about DAVID BOREANAZ because he’s ANGEL and his dad is a beloved local celebrity DAVE ROBERTS. I don’t even think I can rag on poor DENISE RICHARDS, I kind of feel sorry for her. Attacking her seems akin to throwing a mackerel at the village whore after she’s been gang raped by sailors. I will say that, as usual, KATHERINE HEIGL gives off the air of just barely being able to tolerate her surroundings. Am I the only one who gets a ready to implode postal worker vibe from this lady? (That’s not an insult, I dig the disgruntled) There are other people in this movie too but they end up just turning into one big blonde blob. Oh god, and they had to put a detective in here who tries to explain the plot and then just drives around in circles by himself waiting for his chance to die…off camera no less! Are you serious?

Even the killer irks me; speaking as a nerd, if you are dumb enough to ask the prettiest girls in your school to dance with you than you deserve the rejection you get, and speaking as a vengeful psychopath, if a bunch of boys stripped me and then beat the crap out of me at a dance I’d be murdering THEM not the aforementioned girls. I suppose the cupid mask is sort of scary or at least it could have been if the smallest effort was put into how it was presented. Was this really directed by the guy who did the somewhat serviceable URBAN LEGENDS?

Oh well VALENTINE; I guess it was never meant to be and I’m just not that into you. It doesn’t seem like you tried very hard or cared very much anyway. Did you think I wouldn’t notice your chronic insincerity?

As we stand now you can’t ever say that I didn’t give you a second chance.

Oh and by the way, I totally DID notice that you stole your ending from ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)…real classy.

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Tags: General Horror · Holidays · V.D.

10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jeff AllardNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Yeah, Valentine was lousy to start with and hasn’t gotten any better with age. I DVR’d it a few months ago thinking that it was time I gave it another look. There’s very few slashers movies that I don’t at least kind of like so I assumed that Valentine would have to start looking better to me. But no, it still sucked something fierce. That mask was so cool, though – how could they waste it in such a shit movie?

  • 2 ChrisNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 10:21 am

    I saw this one back when it first hit cable (a looooong time ago), so I can’t remember much, other than the fact I was bored senseless (well, and Katherine Heigl’s boobies, but that’s another topic altogether). Also, I seem to remember that the kills were uninspired, lacking any kind of gore, or “cool-factor” to ’em.
    Just another of the time Scream clone which tread all the same ground with a “twist ending”, not seeming to understand the fact that Scream was poking fun at films of this ilk.

  • 3 craigNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, Uncle Lancifer. It actually DOES take a lot of imagination to view this on Valentine’s Day. I can NEVER remember this movie exists (even though it lives in my DVD collection on a seperate shelf in cardboard heaven with all the other WB titles). When I saw it in theatres, I declared it the worst slasher ever. But the years have, in my opinion, been kind to it. Even though it`s so far removed from the brilliant Tom Savage novel that it`s suprising they didn`t just claim it to be their own and not pay for the book rights, it`s a great couples movie for Valentines Day; oozing chick-flick excess for the ladies, and it`s got enough nasty hate-killings for the menfolk. Oh, and thanks for pointing out the ALONE IN THE DARK`rip-off at the end (thought I was the only one who noticed that!).

  • 4 EshbaalNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Yeah, this one failed rather horribly at what it was trying.. I’m sorry, not trying very hard to do.
    I find it watchable, and I do dig the killer’s look, but it really is hella stupid. My main problem with this movie is the fact that every single character in it is a bitch and is one on purpose, it seems. Did those girls ever actually talk about the fact that a killer was after them rather than comment on who slept with who and who had baggy tits?

  • 5 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    The best thing anyone has ever said to me was at the movie theater watching Valentine. When we first see Denise Richards in a bathing suit, my old roommate and dear friend leaned over to me and said, “Hey look, it’s Iggy Pop.”

    And that my friend, is all I can remember about this movie. I think it came out roughly around the same time movies like Urban Legend and Dracula 2000s were out (well, the late 90s – early 2000s), what a godawful time for horror…

  • 6 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Not to be too persnickety but this really bugged me…..you’re wearing a mask and your nose bleeds. Tell me the blood doesn’t just roll down your face rather than finding it’s way to the mask’s nostril…I mean, unless your mask is built to fit your nostril….??? I dunno it really seems to me that they were just making it up as they went along and painted themselves into several corners….

    oh and the end!!!!! the Capshaw girl decoy…what??? how did he get her to wear the outfit and attack her friend? WTF?

  • 7 AerialgrrrlNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    This has been sitting in my ‘unwatched’ shelf for, like, ever. maybe today’s it’s lucky day.

  • 8 LaDraculNo Gravatar // Feb 15, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    I can think of something worse that Denise Richards has been in…”Tammy and the T-Rex”. And she is TERRIBLE in it, not counting the script.

  • 9 RATSAWGODNo Gravatar // Feb 16, 2010 at 11:16 am

    I think this post is getting a lot of responses because this movie is just so damn baffling. It almost plays like a pilot for the WB Network (Remember that network? “Hot, over-privileged twenty-something girls and the boys that love them! Tonight, on the WB!”)
    Until the final stretch of the movie, the cupid killer seems like an afterthought. It’s almost as if the studio demanded they show less of the killer and more of the hot girls and the whole movie goes way off-balance as a result.
    However, I must say  I did like Jessica Capshaw in this; it’s the only performance that works.

  • 10 Adie StoneNo Gravatar // Mar 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

    I actually enjoyed it but then I was only a young one when I watched it the first and only time.

    I would like to watch it again to see what I think now, but the worst of the film was that it was based on an extremely intelligent book, it just didnt come across in the film unfortunately.

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