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100 Feet

March 1st, 2010 by aunt john · 9 Comments

The onslaught of nor’easters that have bore down repeatedly on Kindertrauma Castle these past weeks have afforded your Aunt John some serious sofa time with the streaming Netflix. While I would like to expound upon the nuanced performances of KATE & ALLIE SEASON 4 at great length, I think this forum is better suited for a discussion of the other abusive relationship tale I also sat through… 100 FEET.

In short, FAMKE JANSEN plays Marnie, a freshly paroled murderess placed on house arrest for killing her abusive, police officer husband and BOBBY CANNAVALE plays Shakes, the hard-nosed cop/ former partner to the murdered husband keeping an obsessively watchful eye on Marnie’s every confined move. Since Marnie is on house arrest, (title alert) she can’t physically be more than one hundred feet from the monitoring device installed in her home and if she is, an alarm is tripped that summons Shakes. Whereas your Aunt John would be tripping the alarm every five minutes (“Oh hi there BOBBY CANNAVALE, did I set off that alarm again?”), Marnie and Shakes don’t exactly mix since she killed his partner. Cops sure are sensitive to stuff like that. To make matters worse, Marnie’s house is haunted by her abusive husband (the tragically over CGI-ed MICHAEL “EDDIE & THE CRUISERS” PARE) who continues to deliver beat downs from beyond.

Despite a wavering accent (is she supposed to be an outer borough New Yorker or only when she’s upset?) JANSEN delivers a solid performance as a woman trapped in rather hellish existence. She has become the scorn of her friends, family, and neighbors and just when you think she has found some slight solace in the arms of the grocery delivery boy (a surprisingly not annoying ED WESTWICK of GOSSIP GIRL) along comes that pesky PARE poltergeist. And herein lies the biggest drawback to the flick; if you are going to cast Kindertrauma favorite MICHAEL PARE, at least give us a good look at his mug other than in the awkwardly staged old photos Marnie takes off her walls. I know he is supposed to be a ghost and all, but PARE’s obscured performance ends up being reduced to a series of repeated fade-in/sucker punch/fade-outs drowned in river of overly computerized blood.

Written and directed ERIC RED (BAD MOON), 100 FEET plays out like a Lifetime woman in peril yarn doused in supernatural syrup and dunked in a bucket a testosterone, and I’m not talking about CANNAVALE’s or PARE’s hormones; I’m talking about studly JANSEN’s. Something tells me that if you were truly on FAMKE’s shit list, you wouldn’t get the chance to come back from the dead, she’d get it right the first time.

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Tags: General Horror




9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 1, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I missed most of this one. John was watching it in the living room while I was working in the kitchen. I did peak my head in though every time the music swelled or there was screaming. I have to say the  part where booberry Pare beats the crap out of the younger guy had me flinching. It’s pretty harsh, especially when you can see the guy’s jawbone coming out of his face

  • 2 jeffreygmmNo Gravatar // Mar 1, 2010 at 10:20 am

    famke is my favorite tranny.  this movie sounds delicious!

  • 3 craigNo Gravatar // Mar 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Wish you hadn’t teased we with the promise of a Kate and Allie Season 4 review (they’re offering Season 5 now and it’s coming to me next week!). Was there any kind of Kindertraumaesqe episode from that show that’s worthy of being spotlighted here, cause I’d really like to have your take on something from this series (maybe the one where Emma dresses up as a giant, dancing pack of ciggies to get Kate to quit?).

  • 4 Chuckles72No Gravatar // Mar 1, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Yeah, but it’s got Famke in it, which automatically ups the watchability by a factor of 10x.  Seriously, they could make a movie called The Famke Jansen Experience:  All About Famke, and I totally watch it.

  • 5 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Mar 1, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    @jeffreygmm: Did you catch FAMKE’s story arc on NIP/TUCK a few seasons back? It was trans-tastic!

    @craig: I think Unk would have an aneurysm if I reviewed KATE & ALLIE on this site. That said, Season 4 featured an enterprising Chip opening a pet cemetery in their back yard to earn extra cash to take some girl we never saw again on a date and Allie found herself working in the public access television trenches alongside ANDREA MARTIN… and yes, they managed to use this as an op for Jenny to sing show tunes from Annie.

    @chuckles72: I could watch FAMKE watch paint dry.

  • 6 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 8:48 am

    My favorite Kate & Allie ep was the one where Allie’s teen daughter Jenny was thinking about sleeping with her boyfriend (THE BLOB remakes Ricky Paul Goldin) and one day when they’re at his house dry-humping on the couch his Mom comes home early, catches wise and when they leave the room SHE CALLS ALLIE TO RAT THEM OUT!  I was about 12 and totally mortified. Did Moms really DO this?! Join a cock-blocking alliance behind your back???

  • 7 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Mar 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

    @mama: The great cock-block debacle of which you speak is another standout episode from Season 4.

  • 8 TrademarcNo Gravatar // Mar 3, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Did anyone catch the cameo by Arrowinthehead? 😀

  • 9 smidget28No Gravatar // Mar 7, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I saw this recently and DID NOT LIKE IT at all….it was rather….bleh.

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