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Cat’s Eye

November 29th, 2007 by unkle lancifer · 4 Comments

KAREN BLACK, watch your back! You think you own the corner on horror anthologies? Well, lil’ DREW BARRYMORE has got some wigs up her sleeve too. She makes playing four separate characters look like child’s play in this whisker-licking STEPHEN KING penned comedy-horror hybrid. Her first appearance? A magic mannequin that sets a wayward feline on a vision-quest. Ever played a mannequin before Karen? Didn’t think so. Next up, Drew is JAMES WOOD’s mentally handicapped child in the black comedy showcase “Quitters Inc.” Here the unstoppable Drew sports oversized glasses, talks slower than normal, and is threatened with electrocution if her dad doesn’t nix the nicotine.(Don’t people usually get nominated for OSCARS when they go GUMP? I guess not when all of Hollywood is jealous of how cool you are, like in Drew’s case!) This story is also laced with more danger for our cat pal who must escape being used as a guinea pig! In story two our little Drew is spotted in a cat food commercial wearing an ANNIE fro. Go Drew GO! It’s called “The Ledge” and the cat’s in it too, along with the meanest pigeon you’ve ever seen. He pecks ROBERT HAYS’ foot while they’re both a jillion stories high trying to escape a cuckoo cuckold from Jersey. Finally our Puss find’s his way to the final story which is always the best one. This segment is named “General” and now so is our cat friend. He must protect America’s darling from a harlequin-hooded troll that wants to steal her precious breath! General’s major obstacle is Drew’s bitch of a mom who won’t listen to reason and thinks she’s the center of the universe. This character was obviously based on real-life spaz JADE BARRYMORE. Anyway the dumbbell mom tries to put the cat to sleep but fails miserably and before you can say “euthanasia” General returns to save the day! And when I say “save the day” I mean participate in the rockingest throw down that has ever graced theater screens EVER! Now Drew and her Cat can live happily ever after and look forward to a future without wigs! 


  • This cat is so awesome that he foils both CUJO and killer car CHRISTINE both on the same day! If anyone knows how he configures into the DARKTOWER series please email me!
  • ALAN KING rules as the head of “Quitters Inc.”
  • Suicide is not an option in a universe that is home to a film that features a cat putting a troll on a record player and then playing it faster with his paw at DREW BARRYMORE’s command! This scene could put Bellevue out of business for good!
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Tags: Tykes in Trouble

4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 IrvingWallaceNo Gravatar // Nov 30, 2007 at 1:32 am

    The cat appears in The Dark Tower series in the Gunslinger Born Chapter 5, the cat delievers a message on a piece of paper and in the comic the cat is skinless “Gods, that mutie cat stinks to high heaven, want me to shoot it Sai Thorin? “

  • 2 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Nov 30, 2007 at 11:28 am

    Irving, you rule! I knew that couldn’t be the last of that cat! He should have his own series!

  • 3 IrvingWallaceNo Gravatar // Nov 30, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Definitely, oh and btw, love this frickin site.

  • 4 GinsuVictimNo Gravatar // Dec 27, 2007 at 8:30 am

    The cat in the Dark Tower is not the cat from Cat’s Eye. Nice try.
    THAT cat is Musty, familiar of Rhea of the Coos. The damn thing has no fur and SIX LEGS….and two of them don’t work!
    Not near as awesome as General, though…who already found the Dark Tower, btw. Shot through Roland’s legs on the way up the steps and screwed Roland out of a decent ending.
    (Actually, I like the ending…)

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