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Name That Trauma :: Reader The Youngest Hewitt on a Loser Lady Maker

October 9th, 2011 by aunt john · 4 Comments

Greetings fellow Traumatized Tots!

I’m going to start this off in pretty much the same way others have, by gushing over this amazing, informative, and truly entertaining site. It really helps to know that I’m not the only one who suffered through childhood (misery loves company and all that jazz).

While browsing through the numerous Name That Traumas I was reminded of a particularly nasty memory of what I’m pretty sure was some kind of freaky short film on T.V. It was the 80’s. Of this I am positive. The plot involved a guy who intended on creating a girlfriend for himself with some kind of weird chemical (I think it was pink colored, but that’s not important).

Anyway, he was flipping through some swimsuit magazines and picked a girl he liked and then dropped the weird goo on the girl’s image. Poof! She comes to life!

Only there was one problem… her lower half was still stuck in the magazine.

I could actually feel the color drain from my face as this creepy half-girl started reaching for the guy and begging him to kiss her. Then she melted or something. The guy made a second attempt and poured the girlfriend formula over another sexy chick and poof! Another horrible disaster.

This second girlfriend was GIGANTIC and took up the entire room! Once again she begged him to kiss her and in my little child brain I just knew that if he tried she would suck him into her jumbo lips like a piece of gum and start chewing. Then she melted too. Thank God!

But this guy clearly didn’t learn his lesson and tries a third time. Poof! Experimental Girlfriend #3 arrives. She was beautiful with a perfect body and long, luscious hair. I wanted to look like her when I grew up… until she moved the hair out of face… which looked like chewed up roadkill. I was rooted to the chair with terror!

This reject from a TALES FROM THE CRYPT comic didn’t beg to be kissed like the others but demanded it and even started choking the poor guy! But mercifully she melts away, too. I just knew that this would be his last attempt to make a girlfriend.

I was wrong.

A fourth attempt was made. This one… turned out just fine. The only problem was she kissed a different guy and left the building with him instead of the poor mad (stupid) scientist. Oh well. At least he didn’t get eaten. What happened toward the end is kinda fuzzy but I seem to remember the girl-making goo falling on a picture of some weird… cartoon vegetable creature… I have no idea. By that time I started to wander off to check under the beds for giants, mutilated half-torsos, and hideous faced monsters that would kill you if you didn’t kiss their slimy, dripping lips.

Please help me find this weird little T.V. nightmare so that I can finally face my demons!

The Youngest Hewitt

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4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Oct 9, 2011 at 10:11 am

    I think its an ep of the 80s TV show AMAZING STORIES and if memory serves the guy was Jon Cryer, no? Someone back me up here

  • 2 michael fNo Gravatar // Oct 9, 2011 at 10:30 am

    looks like the whole thing is right here:

  • 3 Joanna BoeseNo Gravatar // Oct 9, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    At least this is better than “Two and a Half Men”… (And that was the late Lana Clarkson as the giant lady…)

    It vaguely reminds me of Aerosmith’s “Hole in my Soul” video, where it’s the same thing…only based on “Re-Animator” where he’s turning plants into beautiful girls, oblivious to the fact there’s already a girl who likes him-


  • 4 bjkatcherNo Gravatar // Oct 9, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    I saw that recently. First girl: too much chemical, she was huge. Second: not enough, she was a skeleton. Third: only half there. Fourth: she kisses his dim neighbor, while our hero kisses the mousy girl who has a crush on him. As they all leave happily, the dregs of the chemical fall onto a photo of a monster.

    When I saw this episode at age twelve, I though I would have kissed the giant woman, size difference be damned.

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