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Kinder-News :: The Votes Are In!!!

November 5th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 9 Comments

As you may recall, in the not so distant past, we urged our readership to vote on the highly controversial PROPOSITION MARY JANE. The land of Kindertrauma is nothing if not Democratic, and it is an honor to bestow such freedoms upon the masses. In this particular vote you had the expansive choice of deciding YEA or NAY on the fate of one Mary Jane candy. It’s no secret that I, your honorary Unkle, was pushing for the demise of said candy, but the people have spoken and as promised I will now concede.

It may alarm you to know that Mary Jane candies did in fact loose by a vote of 7 to 8, but I, in my infinite wisdom, spent the long night wondering why my victory felt so hollow. The answer lied in the snoring, bespectacled cherub face of Aunt John. Aunt John voted against Mary Jane only under extreme coercion and the threat of severe bodily harm. The fact is they have not made a candy that he will not eat, and that includes the heinous Mary Jane.

And being one of the fairest people who ever lived, not only of complexion and cascading ginger locks, but of character as well, I changed his vote to YEA making the end result a tie. Please don’t cheer and throw confetti, I am just a man. (A man chosen by God to spread joy across the world with his spot-on karaoke interpretation of the MEN WITHOUT HATS song “Pop Goes the World,” but a man just the same.)

The fact is that this past Halloween I was reminded of an even more horrific threat. A threat that is not even a candy; a threat in a small red box that goes by the hoity-toity name of SUN-MAID RAISINS.  Now I ask you, who in their right mind would hand out raisins on Halloween? A mad person I decree! Let’s make next Halloween raisin free. That non-treat with its so-called vitamins and nutrients is one thing that even Aunt John could say NAY to!

In closing, Mary Jane you are spared. Weird Sun-Maid girl with the dated hat and the creepy smile, your days are numbered!

P.S.: To all you folks who voted in this or any other recent voting type thingy…give yourselves a big pat on the back; no matter the outcome, you are now a part of history!

P.S.S.: If you’ve recently voted for a candy or person who found victory, don’t be afraid to jump up and down a little.

NOTE: Special thanks to Auntie J for this groovy Mary Jane statue!!!

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9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mrcanacornNo Gravatar // Nov 5, 2008 at 9:53 am

    YES!!!! Now today really has some significance!

    Unk, you are a fair and wise man…I can’t speak on the behalf of all the MJ lovers out there, but I would like to say that I am honored to bridge the gap and take your hand in solidarity…against Sun-Maid Raisins!!! 

    What sick bastard would give those damnable things to a childon Halloween?!

  • 2 micksterNo Gravatar // Nov 5, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    Oh man! I love “Pop Goes the World!” I would pay cash money to see your karaoke interpretation of that fine song! Yuck! Raisins for Halloween? Raisins are just too darn close to prunes to me. Icky prunes!

  • 3 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Nov 5, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Ugh prunes! There is a commercial on T.V right now where they are trying to tell you how much like candy prunes are. Prunes are not and will never be candy. When fruit dries it’s natures way of telling you to throw it in the garbage not eat it! 

    It has also come to my attention that kids have been given dental floss for Halloween and even worse-pennies! Why do pennies exist? I hate pennies! They are worthless until you flatten them on a train track! (No offense to Abe.)

  • 4 micksterNo Gravatar // Nov 5, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    I’ve seen that commercial! Who do they think they are fooling? There is only one use for prunes or prune juice, and I have had to use it for that purpose few times in my life (sorry, too much information).  Prunes suck!

  • 5 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Nov 5, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    I can’t believe they think they can just put prunes into individual wrappers and then they’ll taste better. The whole taste test scenario is pretty weak too. You know all those people just wanted to get on T.V.! And the poor kid they show is speechless! You can tell that he wants to spit it out but that he’s too afraid to. The whole thing looks like an episode of FEAR FACTOR.

  • 6 micksterNo Gravatar // Nov 5, 2008 at 11:48 pm

    I remember eating a prune by mistake as a kid. At first I thought it was a big raisin, but I figured out pretty quick that I had made a big mistake. I did spit it out and never tried one again. Unfortunately, I’ve been forced to drink prune juice on several occasions. I get chills just thinking about it. Barf!

  • 7 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Nov 6, 2008 at 11:24 am

    Now, math isn’t my strong suit, but wouldn’t taking one vote from the “NAY” column and putting it in the “YEA” column make the result 8 to 7 in FAVOR of Mary Janes? 7+1=8, 8-1=7, ipso facto QED.

    Or did the Kindertrauma Bookwork get a vote? 😀

  • 8 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Nov 6, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    s/b “Bookworm.” Eeek.

  • 9 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:22 am

    @Vicar: If you are implying voter fraud, let me assure you… I saw Unkle take off his shoes to do the necessary arithmetic.

    Math is hard!

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