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Sunday Streaming: Crap Attack!

April 21st, 2013 by unkle lancifer · 5 Comments

How’s about let’s do something different this week!? I know it probably seems that I love everything but that is far from the case. I’d just rather talk about the films I enjoy and I figure if anybody desires feigned outrage, pointless fussbudgetry and persnickety cynicism, they can always visit an IMDb board! Every once in a while though, it’s probably good to clear out the rain gutters. So, in the spirit of spring cleaning, let me now share some Netflix Streaming films that, for whatever reason, failed to float my boat! If you yourself enjoyed any of the following, my apologies and good for you. I never say never and I invite these films to seek me out on a later date and convert me if they can!

THE RAVEN (2012)

I wasn’t asking too much from THE RAVEN. I only needed it to respectfully capture its time period, throw in a few POE references and tell a reasonably engaging story. I figured if I could look past the convolutions in SLEEPY HOLLOW and the atrocious acting in BRAM STOKER’s DRACULA anything was doable. What I wasn’t counting on was the misguided casting of the usually likable JOHN CUSAK. I’m guessing an attempt was made to present a lovably roguish character a ‘la ROBERT DOWNEY JR. in GUY RITCHIE’s SHERLOCK HOLMES flicks (both of which I did enjoy) but all we end up with here is an annoying prick. The one saving grace of the movie is LUKE EVANS and I have a theory that this whole thing might have worked if he and CUSAK just switched roles. Nah, probably not.


This one makes me sad. The first film was fun as hell and made me rethink all my prejudices concerning found footage movies. This one is exactly the movie I mistook the first one for. If you are wondering what the original would have been like with an intolerable cast… here is your answer. Also, I think somebody is gravely overestimating the terror value of elongated mouths.


You’d think aiming as low as possible might ensure some level of success but not in this case. There are plenty more fish in the shark movie sea, pick any and you’d be better off (I suggest JAWS: THE REVENGE, at least its funny) Thank God we’ll always have THE INNKEEPERS to remind us what SARA PAXTON is actually capable of.


A bus full of schoolgirls face off against four escaped mental patients tripping on LSD! I don’t know how this movie finds a way to be boring but it does. On the plus side, it stars a three legged dog named Hannah who lost her leg in a real life pub robbery and won an award for bravery! Hannah deserves better roles!

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Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming

5 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Rev. AustinNo Gravatar // Apr 21, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    I completely agree with you about Grave Encounters 2. The first one genuinely gave me the willies, but I feel like the second one can’t make up its mind what it wants to be (pseudo documentary? retread? metafilm?) that it ends up trying too hard. It also goes completely off the rails, as they say, when they ENCOUNTER (ho ho!) the [redacted to avoid spoiling a terrible film] 🙂

  • 2 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Apr 21, 2013 at 8:42 pm


    I know of exactly what you speak! The worst wig I’ve “encountered” since Halloween 2!

  • 3 disco.charlieNo Gravatar // Apr 21, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Dear Unk, I think the fact that you always spotlight things you like and find good qualities in even the most craptastic of movies is quite endearing, so you are allowed to vent about the garbage that Netflix streams!

    “Grave Encounters 2″… I don’t even know where to start. Aside from the atrocious “Blood Night: Mary Hatchet” movie, I have never disliked lead characters as much as “GE2”. Did none of the writers or producers stop and say “Hey, these characters are the most obnoxious, unlikable chodes and dillweeds and jackwagons ever captured on celluloid?”. Apparently not, because I cheered out loud when the soul-grating best guy friend met his demise (boy, he had it coming). I also found “The Raven” to be wretched and “Shark Night” was bad even for a B-movie. I’m right with you on your picks.

    As usual, this site is a bright light and brings unicorns, glitter, and double rainbows every time I read it! Here in Boston this past week, we could really use it, so thanks!

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Apr 21, 2013 at 11:45 pm


    Yay Boston, great city! I went to school in Beverly (right next to Salem) and used to visit there often. I really miss it lately.

    I could not think of words to describe the characters in GE2 so thanks for doing that for me with “chodes, dillweeds and jackwagons”! I could not have said it better. That movie broke my heart so bad I felt retroactively embarrassed for liking the first one.

    And thanks for noticing the unicorn rainbow glitter! It ain’t easy staying out of the swamp!

  • 5 niagara_niagaraNo Gravatar // May 12, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    Blood moon and I drink your blood would be
    a perfect LSD-fueled double feature of fun.

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