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Sunday Viewing:: Iced (1988)

December 1st, 2013 by unkle lancifer · 5 Comments

Today’s viewing selection ICED, (1988) was recommended by our old pal Amanda By Night of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM fame. It’s an eighties slasher flick that takes place in an isolated ski cabin so how can it not be good? But it’s not good! In fact, the first death, the catalyst for all the bloodshed to follow, involves a guy lamely falling on some rocks! Falling on some rocks is no way to die in a slasher movie! This did not bode well. I began to wonder if Amanda was in her right mind recommending ICED. She has been a little overworked lately. Maybe she needed a vacation in a ski lodge and that explained her attraction to this abomination! I decided to watch on regardless and have some faith in my friend and I’m glad I did. ICED is like skiing itself, you have to slog up a steep hill but once you get to a certain point, you can just let go and let gravity do the rest. I suppose you have to wait for ICED to reprogram your head and dismantle your defenses. Once you get it into your brain that logic and reason are far from welcome ideas in the world of ICED it is a non-stop party…a joyride even! You do not change ICED, ICED changes you!

There’s no point of me telling you the plot because you already know it and it would be folly to attempt to list this film’s crimes against reason because they are legion. You may be thinking, “Hahaha, another campy cheesefest how cute!” No, no, no. You do not understand ICED. This movie is gloriously, joyously, spectacularly inept and lives on a level all by itself. Nobody can even talk like a normal human for one second in this move. The dialogue will tattoo itself upon your heart and stay there until the day you are dead. Even more bizarre than the movie’s inanity is the uncomfortable fact that its prerequisite chase finale is actually rather rousing! How is that possible? I dunno. It shouldn’t be. I blame the score and what a score it is!

Let me add too that here are some real stand outs in this cast and its very difficult for me to pick a favorite but I’m heavily leaning toward “Jeanette” (THE ADDAMS FAMILY’s LISA LORING) who has some major relationship issues and Carl (RON KOLOGIE) who has a tiny, tiny, ponytail. It’s too bad that Carl feels the need to sexually assault poor Jeanette but I guess it’s okay because she relaxes in a hot tub afterward. I could go on and on and on except I can’t because frankly, I’m a touch hung over having stayed up too late last night with some whiskey watching ICED for a second time! Is there any better testament to its awesomeness than that? Oh, Amanda I shall never doubt you or trust a snowman ever again.

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5 responses so far ↓

  • 1 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Dec 1, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Man, I’m so sorry I’m pressed for time today and was not able to give ICED the attention it deserves.

    I guess the important thing is that people watch it. Thanks again Amanda!!!

    ICED has left me with so many questions.

    I love when Jeanette says she’s embarrassed for throwing herself at a man and then Carl says “He wasn’t exactly repulsed” and then she says “Thanks”.

    I don’t understand if the sex scene with Jeanette and the realtor in the bathtub is just in their heads? or did it happen? or is that another couple?

    I am fascinated by the scene where Carl and Corey are in the woods and it gets very Brokeback Mountain. Do people usually put their heads in other people’s laps? I never do that.

    It’s very weird to me that the Trina is frequently shown doing curls and stretching. why does she do curls with a rolling pin?

    Why does Trina call the realtor guy instead of the police? How does the killer know where Eddie is going to crash his car?

    Carl’s dream is very strange. why does he get naked to snort coke? The sex scenes in this movie are weird.

    Trina’s story at dinner “I didn’t have any tits, hardly. I was terrified of being discovered.” ???!!!!

    Rats, I’m late for an appointment otherwise I’d keep going.

    Suffice to say I love me some ICED and the whole cabin getaway thing I think would make it a perfect double feature with DEMON WIND.

  • 2 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Dec 1, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    So glad you liked it Lance! I would have responded sooner but I was doing bicep curls all day!

  • 3 disco.charlieNo Gravatar // Dec 1, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Holy fuckballs Batman, you are bringing the fire here lately! Demon Wind, Spookies, and now Iced? How I long for the days of these lost classics*!

    (* = ineptly made, insanely surreal, craptastic film oddities.)

    This movie is such a byproduct of the 80′s, and strangely enough reunites 2 of the “stars” from “Slumber Party Massacre” (one of whom is actually credited as the screenwriter as well as an actor in the film — a jack of all cheese!). It’s got the original Wednesday Addams (although my heart still belongs to Christina Ricci) and some outstanding 80′s hair and music. This movie is a gold mine happy party of glitter, unicorns, and double rainbows all around.

    And how did the killer get in that snowman?

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Amanda,

    I am forever indebted to you and I am currently updating my will to reflect that.

    disco.charlie,

    Hahaha! I have so many questions concerning ICED and yet somehow I never thought of that one. How did he get in that snowman?!!

    And how strange it must have been to wait inside that snowman for the exact perfect moment to jump out!

    Oh no, I feel a third viewing coming on….I so miss the musical score…I wish I could just hear it in the background of my life forever.

  • 5 darkkoNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    thanks for the heads up on Iced, i had never heard of this film!

    streamed it via youtube last night.

    i loved it when the guy comes through the door and says, YOU FU@*ERS!

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