Today’s viewing selection ICED, (1988) was recommended by our old pal Amanda By Night of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM fame. It’s an eighties slasher flick that takes place in an isolated ski cabin so how can it not be good? But it’s not good! In fact, the first death, the catalyst for all the bloodshed to follow, involves a guy lamely falling on some rocks! Falling on some rocks is no way to die in a slasher movie! This did not bode well. I began to wonder if Amanda was in her right mind recommending ICED. She has been a little overworked lately. Maybe she needed a vacation in a ski lodge and that explained her attraction to this abomination! I decided to watch on regardless and have some faith in my friend and I’m glad I did. ICED is like skiing itself, you have to slog up a steep hill but once you get to a certain point, you can just let go and let gravity do the rest. I suppose you have to wait for ICED to reprogram your head and dismantle your defenses. Once you get it into your brain that logic and reason are far from welcome ideas in the world of ICED it is a non-stop party…a joyride even! You do not change ICED, ICED changes you!
There’s no point of me telling you the plot because you already know it and it would be folly to attempt to list this film’s crimes against reason because they are legion. You may be thinking, “Hahaha, another campy cheesefest how cute!” No, no, no. You do not understand ICED. This movie is gloriously, joyously, spectacularly inept and lives on a level all by itself. Nobody can even talk like a normal human for one second in this move. The dialogue will tattoo itself upon your heart and stay there until the day you are dead. Even more bizarre than the movie’s inanity is the uncomfortable fact that its prerequisite chase finale is actually rather rousing! How is that possible? I dunno. It shouldn’t be. I blame the score and what a score it is!
Let me add too that here are some real stand outs in this cast and its very difficult for me to pick a favorite but I’m heavily leaning toward “Jeanette” (THE ADDAMS FAMILY’s LISA LORING) who has some major relationship issues and Carl (RON KOLOGIE) who has a tiny, tiny, ponytail. It’s too bad that Carl feels the need to sexually assault poor Jeanette but I guess it’s okay because she relaxes in a hot tub afterward. I could go on and on and on except I can’t because frankly, I’m a touch hung over having stayed up too late last night with some whiskey watching ICED for a second time! Is there any better testament to its awesomeness than that? Oh, Amanda I shall never doubt you or trust a snowman ever again.