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Traumafessions :: Reader Turnidoff on Madame

July 13th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 19 Comments

Being born in 1973, I came across a barrage of horrifying images on T.V.: The Zuni Doll from TRILOGY OF TERROR, DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW, The “V” TWINS! — but nothing was more damming to my psyche than the WAYLAND FLOWERS abomination: MADAME

Pure terror to a toddler.  When her freakish gaping maw was shut, her face looked like two large people screwing each other.  I quickly would change the channel to let’s say, Mr. Rogers, but wait!… There’s LADY ELAINE FAIRCHILDE, the lesser freakish sister of MADAME.  Ahrgh! I can’t win.

I dare you to try to hold in your screams when you look at MADAME’s home site

I dare you.

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ: Turnidoff, you are right. MADAME is scary as hell, but she’s also notoriously difficult to work with. Based on legends that exist solely within my alcohol-rattled mind, she was, in fact, the first choice to star in the film adaptation of STEPHEN KING’s MISERY. Lo and behold, a young moxie-filled, opportunistic KATHY BATES did a bit of an ALL ABOUT EVE number on the aged puppet and snatched that part right out of her puppet hands by seducing a then-naive meathead named ROB REINER.



Shed no tears for MADAME though, it turns out she had more than one shot at being a cinematic legend. Rumors that originate from the bottom of the glass that I am swilling tell tales of her being thrown off of the set of BRIAN DE PALMA’s CARRIE and being replaced by a young ingénue named PIPER LAURIE due to hysterical fits over the limitation of the film’s budget for TAB!!!!

UPDATE: as suggested by “sbd”…

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19 responses so far ↓

  • 1 htingeyNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 5:04 am

    I too have scarring memories of Madame, I seem to recall that she and Phyllis Diller often had me screaming and under the kitchen table as a small child.

  • 2 micksterNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 6:32 am

    Dear God in Heaven how I hate Madam! As a young girl in the 80’s, I loved watching Solid Gold every Saturday evening to hear the latest in awesome music, but unfortunately, for me this also included a visit from the awful Madam. With the untimely passing of Wayland Flowers in the late 80’s, I thought the world was rid of Madam forever, however, while watching I Love the 70’s: Volume 2 on VH1 I was horrified to see Madam again. Some dude named Joe Kovacs has brought this abomination back (cringe)!

  • 3 Pax RomanoNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    I heard that Madame was supposed to play the part of “Weezer” In Steel Magnolias, but her drinking and carousing cause so many problems that she was thrown of set and replaced with Shirley Maclaine.

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    She also destroyed any chance for SOLID GOLD:THE MOVIE to get off the ground. It was set to be a rousing tale of the dancer’s lives behind the scenes with original music penned by Neil Sedaka but her and Dionne Warwick fought tooth and nail over top billing and it was eventually put into turn around. She’s a real bitch. The only good she ever did was introduce the world to the talents of Corey Feldman as seen here:

  • 5 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 5:16 pm

    Wait a minute! I didn’t know she was the lead singer of DROOL!

  • 6 mrcanacornNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 9:21 pm

    Christ on a bike, you guys are sick!  This is by far the most horrible thing you have ever posted.  I never even realized how terrifying she was….I’ll never be able to get to sleep…

    Screw you guys!  I hate you!

    Not really, I love you guys, but I hate Mr. Flowers and his damnable puppet!

  • 7 sbdNo Gravatar // Jul 13, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    Say what you like about Madam, but I’m sure the entire gay community owes a debt of gratitude to Wayland for showing them all in the 70’s just how gay it was possible to be.  Mr. F, salud!

  • 8 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 14, 2008 at 10:19 am

    I loved Madame as a kid! There was just so funny about a brassy, ballsy old broad (with a gay guys hand up her ass) that was so appealing to me! (Without “Madame” would we have “Blanche” from GOLDEN GIRLS??? I think not!)
    I remember when Madame had her own show (I think it was called MADAME’S PLACE)) – that was when Madame “crossed the line” with me and stopped being “funny” and started being “gross”: Madame and Judy Landers were watching a Sylvester Stallone movie on TV and Madame was talking about all the horny, perverted  things she wanted to do to Sly! I just got a distrubing image in my head and have never felt the same about Madame again!

  • 9 sbdNo Gravatar // Jul 14, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    I thought Madame was always about Teh Horny – the kind of thing where if she went to a Chippendale show she’d throw her big ol’ granny drawers at them, covering one like a shroud.  Then she’d jump on stage and try groping them all.  That’s where THE HORROR comes from.

  • 10 OberstKurtNo Gravatar // Jul 15, 2008 at 12:14 am

    Ah, Wayland and Madame.  Frequent guests on Hollywood Squares.  I also remember one episode of Solid Gold in early ’82 where KISS were featured…I believe Madame was painted in KISS make-up!  I think Wayland Flowers died of AIDS some years ago.

  • 11 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 15, 2008 at 9:31 am

    Now THAT (Madame dressed as a long-lost member of KISS) I would LOVE to see! (KISSOLOGY 4 people, are you listening? I demand Madame and The Paul Lynde Halloween Special on the next box set!!!)

    Yeah, Madame was all about The Horny (and I love the visuals I got thinking about her at CHIPPNEDALES!) but for some reason this particular gag just RAN TOO LONG- it might have been funny at first but once Madame was moaning “Eye Of The Tiger, baby!” and fisting herself …well, I just had to turn the TV off.

  • 12 Vince LiagunoNo Gravatar // Jul 15, 2008 at 9:56 am

    You guys never fail to crack me up! Solid Gold: The Movie?!?! And that Misery stuff has me in stitches. LOL! Like all good little queens, I remember a time during my childhood when I actually wanted to be Madame. Now that’s scary.

  • 13 sbdNo Gravatar // Jul 15, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    Now all I can think of is Gene Simmons doing stuff to Madame’s wizard’s sleeve and fisting and *awp* – Cheerios trying to come up, gotta stop…

    BTW, one of the reasons I never was interested in the Saw movies is that the puppet looks like a close cousin to Madame

  • 14 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 16, 2008 at 8:48 am

    LMAO! I never cared for the SAW movies (I’ve only seen 1 & 2) but that would be ******* GREAT if they had MADAME in one! What are they up to anyway? SAW 5? SAW 6? Well, whatever…..MADAME definately should have a cameo in the next one!

  • 15 turnidoffNo Gravatar // Jul 16, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    Why did you have to dig up DROOL???!!!

    Another repressed memory brought to the surface.

    You’re a wicked man Unkle Lancifer.

  • 16 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 17, 2008 at 9:44 am

    what is DROOL?

  • 17 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 18, 2008 at 9:17 am

    The KINDERTRAUMA website is like having you’re own personal genie: You wish to see Madame on a tricycle -SHAZAAM!- Moments later you have Madame on a tricycle!

  • 18 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Jul 18, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    Mama, 

    you gotta click this link to see DROOL…
    You may regret it though

  • 19 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 18, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    LMAO!!!

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