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The Unborn (2009)

March 6th, 2009 by unkle lancifer · 6 Comments

Before we start talking about the movie THE UNBORN I have to tell you guys about the crazy day I’ve had. Can you believe that I ran over a four-year-old child in my car?

Oh, don’t worry. He seemed O.K. when I left him. In fact, all I gotta say on the subject is what a weird kid!

Now, do you feel that perhaps my attitude about what I’ve done seems a bit I don’t know… casual? Well don’t worry, I DID NOT run over a kid in my car but in the movie THE UNBORN a character literally tells her friend what I just told you and her friend’s response is to basically shoo her away and change the subject back to herself. Herself being Casey Beldon (ODETTE YUSTMAN), who just won’t stop bellyaching about some ghostly unborn sibling who keeps tormenting her. Hey Casey, if you think unborn siblings are a pain in the ass, try dealing with ones that lived!

Being inherently self obsessed and devoutly whiney myself, I hate to throw stones but Casey’s reaction to her gal pal’s admission to a hit in run incident involving a child is pretty much par for the course in THE UNBORN. Vivid hallucinations of head twisting ghouls, potato bugs springing out of cracked eggs and tentacles sprouting out of glory holes in a women’s rest room (!?!) illicit similar reactions. Sure she screams with the best of them, but the constant constipated expression on her face in the aftermath would be a more appropriate reaction for somebody who has misplaced her cell phone.

I tried to have an open mind and give THE UNBORN a fair shake. I swear to God I did, even though I knew going in that this would probably be one of those post-RING killer kid flicks where everybody’s C.G.I. jaw expands like taffy and the camera shakes a lot to represent action. While we are on the subject, PLEASE STOP MAKING BLUE TONED MOVIES! I feel like I’m flipping through a fashion magazine at the dentist’s office rather than watching a film. I once had an art teacher say to me, “If everything is important, nothing is important” and I think that applies to films like THE UNBORN that bludgeon you with their visual style. (Entire UNDERWORLD series you might want to jot this down.) It looks great, I’m a sucker for a glossy well photographed flick but when there is zero contrast throughout, it ends up looking like a subway car speeding by that you just can’t focus on.

I would have loved a well done exorcism movie my friends but I just can’t get behind a movie that stubbornly refuses to touch ground with anything resembling life on this planet. I think SPEED RACER had more of a natural sense of the human condition than I found here. Furthermore, how can I ever forgive a movie that makes GARY OLDMAN look like RODDY McDOWALL? To be nice, THE UNBORN does have a few cool, surreal moments, …well, actually no, I take that back. I think that the winter backdrop looked nice…um…yeah, the snow was pretty. Well, I’m sorry THE UNBORN ya kinda suck, but I will throw ya this bone…that glory hole monster was like the second most disgusting thing that I have ever seen in a public restroom, so big props there!

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Tags: Kids Who Kill




6 responses so far ↓

  • 1 RATSAWGODNo Gravatar // Mar 6, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I am SO sick of overt blue and sepia tone flicks. It constantly serves to remind me that I’m indeed watching a movie, effectively preventing me from getting into the damn thing. If the color tint is subtle and appropriate, it’s kinda cool- but if it’s too art directed, it’s a drag, yo.

  • 2 NiNiNo Gravatar // Mar 6, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    The fifth paragraph made me love you. Please have my babies, even though I am a (reasonably butch) girl. LOVE CONQUERS BIOLOGY.

    …Beyond that, thank you for saving me from wasting my time with this stinker. Ordinarily I’d have seen it for Gary Oldman, but if I see one more stinkin’ CGI jaw-stretch, I will undoubtedly kill a man.

  • 3 LaDraculNo Gravatar // Mar 7, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Firstly, I liked “Speed Racer”. Of course, I’m an otaku.

    Secondly, I decided NOT to see it as the part with the kid hitting the girl over the head with a bottle made me jump.

    Thirdly, I think the film company thought since people liked “The Dark Knight” and it had the writer and actor from the film, people would see it. Nope.

    Fourthly, I wish I could find a scan of that Empire magazine with the rejected movie posters for this film. Very funny.

    Fifthly, I’ll probably be pointing and laughing when this comes on cable. (Probably at that dude from “Twilight”.)

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 7, 2009 at 10:06 am

    La Dracul,

    I LOVED speed Racer!!! 

  • 5 LaDraculNo Gravatar // Mar 7, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Good to know. 😀 I’ve heard so many people bashing it and it’s driving me craaaazzzy. No pun intended. 🙂

  • 6 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 9, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    La Dracul,

    I really did enjoy SR too. I brought it up in the post because it is such a highly visual film and yet I still thought they did a nice job of at least touching base with the characters (unlike UNBORN). They were all pretty likable and I dug the family dynamic. In fact I thought Sarandon’s voice over bit at the end was kinda touching. Plus, I’m a sucker for that theme song!
    Nini,
    Love DOES conquer biology!!! In fact, love kicks biology’s ass! We have to at least name one of our babies after Aunt John though!

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