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Traumafessions :: Reader Bloodylocks Bathory on Kirby

August 17th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 4 Comments

Strangely enough, one of my most vivid experiences in the trauma department was with a pink little turd by the name of Kirby. That’s right, that Kirby. This spherical chump has been a classic example of early video gaming to the point that I was familiar with him, even though my parents never bought us video games (my sisters and I were already lazy enough with worshiping our cuboid deity known as the television, after all). Now my mother was always rather neurotic about what we watched on television, what with the bad influences of certain programs and especially the easily frightening things we could get exposed to. However, obeying the rules of the house and only watching family friendly channels was no deterrent to being frightened out of my young mind.

Back to Kirby. One day whilst watching my comfy cozy cartoons where Wile E. Coyote could experience all the deaths of the FINAL DESTINATION series and not even lose his bladder control, the commercial breaks introduced to me an association to Kirby I never thought I would make. I don’t know if anyone else remembers this commercial for the newest in Kirby video games, but it involved a hapless glutton in a bowling shirt being served meal after meal in a restaurant. He continued to eat so much that button after button burst from his shirt, but he continued to stuff his face, even oblivious to a breaking belt buckle and snapped trouser button. The finale to this disturbing meal was a slurp from a whipped cream covered finger. Predictably a rumble sounds and a huge explosion follows, covering shocked fellow patrons in undigested spaghetti. Gee, we’re all so glad Kirby can outdo this bastard, right?

The images of those ripped clothes preceding such a disgusting burst of still intact food was cartoonish, but a child’s mind doesn’t always catch on to the humor of these things, does it? Anytime the commercial came on, I either hid my head under a pillow or left the room. My fear of people getting stuffed with food until they popped like a zit got worse when I overheard a conversation my parents were having with friends on a lovely little film called MONTY PYTHON’S THE MEANING OF LIFE. I did not get to see the film (including the humorously disturbing Autumn Years sequence involving Mr. Creosote) until my early teens, but just hearing about it, as well as the graphic details of exposed ribs and projectile vomiting, brought back some very discomforting memories. Clearly the advertising crew for Kirby had been inspired by our British friends in the MONTY PYTHON team. Watching it again after all these years brings loads of laughs, but know this: coerced organ removal while a stranger is still alive is nothing compared to exploding fat men.

UNK SEZ: Dear Bloodylocks, this Kirby person has a serious eating disorder. He can justify his actions by claiming that when he consumes his enemies he acquires their strengths, but let me tell you… been there, done that! And the results were disappointing at best. I recommend sitting your pink pal down in front of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD. If that movie’s bulldozer of a bulimia sequence has no effect on him then I say the pixelated pinko is a lost cause!!!! Wait a minute, Aunt John just informed me that you were writing about a commercial involving a fat guy exploding post spaghetti gorge and not seeking advice about a troubled friend…never mind. You should still check out ELM STREET 5 though, at least for that face stuffing bit!

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4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 IrvingWallaceNo Gravatar // Aug 17, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    kind of a side note…where can i get one of those Kindertrauma T-shirts that off to the right there???!!

  • 2 mrcanacornNo Gravatar // Aug 18, 2008 at 7:53 am

    Well, looks like Irv has finally said what we’ve all been thinking…When will we be able to impress our friends and relatives with some awesome Kinder-gear?

    Any plans for shirts in the future?

  • 3 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Aug 18, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    Kindertrauma T-shirts, hand made by your Aunt John are in very short supply as of now but I’m happy to say that one of the last ones in existence is being offered as a prize over at the current HORRORS OF IT ALL contest!!! It’s different then the one Dana is wearing and says “I HAVE EXPERIENCED KINDERTRAUMA!” on the front. I’m glad that there is interest in these shirts and we’ll try to see what we can do to get more into production.

  • 4 Ryan FerneauNo Gravatar // Nov 19, 2008 at 3:27 am

    What’s strange is that this turned out to actually be a commercial for Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island, but I also misremembered it as a Kirby commercial.  Sure, Yoshi’s a big eater too, but without tongues or eggs anywhere, it’s hard to make the connection.  I must have been thinking back to that Kirby’s Adventure commercial where a strangely-animated Kirby was integrated with live action and referred to as “one tough cream puff”.

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