I know it wasn’t very imaginative of me to watch VALENTINE on the 14th but it’s done and now I must write about it otherwise I watched it for nothing and that would kill me. I just thought I’d give this one another chance, you know I love slasher films and I thought so much time has passed since my last viewing of it that maybe it would be fun in a nostalgic way or something. Well, the road to hellish boredom is paved with those crappy cardboard Warner Brothers DVD covers that I hate…when will I ever learn? Thankfully I’m a firm believer in when life hands you lemons, slice them in half, pour salt and Tabasco sauce on them and suck hard…
Speaking of sucking hard, VALENTINE, I am like the one person in the world who could love you even though you’re trash but ya’ know what? I just can’t do it.’ I’m sorry; it isn’t me it’s you. I mean it’s REALLY YOU. You are pointless and passionless and you take the simplest premise in the world and you lame it up with piles and piles of unnecessary garbage. Am I expecting too much from a movie like you? That’s just it, VALENTINE you had all the leeway in the world from me and you still couldn’t pull it off. Do you think before you say anything? Because every other word that comes out of your mouth makes no sense. I feel like I’m watching a police video of a drunk failing to walk a simple straight line and then proudly and pitifully congratulating their imagined success.
I’m not going to say a bad word about DAVID BOREANAZ because he’s ANGEL and his dad is a beloved local celebrity DAVE ROBERTS. I don’t even think I can rag on poor DENISE RICHARDS, I kind of feel sorry for her. Attacking her seems akin to throwing a mackerel at the village whore after she’s been gang raped by sailors. I will say that, as usual, KATHERINE HEIGL gives off the air of just barely being able to tolerate her surroundings. Am I the only one who gets a ready to implode postal worker vibe from this lady? (That’s not an insult, I dig the disgruntled) There are other people in this movie too but they end up just turning into one big blonde blob. Oh god, and they had to put a detective in here who tries to explain the plot and then just drives around in circles by himself waiting for his chance to die…off camera no less! Are you serious?
Even the killer irks me; speaking as a nerd, if you are dumb enough to ask the prettiest girls in your school to dance with you than you deserve the rejection you get, and speaking as a vengeful psychopath, if a bunch of boys stripped me and then beat the crap out of me at a dance I’d be murdering THEM not the aforementioned girls. I suppose the cupid mask is sort of scary or at least it could have been if the smallest effort was put into how it was presented. Was this really directed by the guy who did the somewhat serviceable URBAN LEGENDS?
Oh well VALENTINE; I guess it was never meant to be and I’m just not that into you. It doesn’t seem like you tried very hard or cared very much anyway. Did you think I wouldn’t notice your chronic insincerity?
As we stand now you can’t ever say that I didn’t give you a second chance.
Oh and by the way, I totally DID notice that you stole your ending from ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)…real classy.