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Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before. The other day I snagged a used VHS tape of a movie I had vague negative memories towards at one of my favorite thrift shops because what the hell? It was only a dollar. But halt the presses! After watching the movie, I ‘m pretty sure my bad memories of it must be false implants of some sort because I suddenly love it! The movie in question is 1985’s CREATURE. Am I sure I even watched this before or am I mixing it up with a sloppy fusion of ANDROID (which also featured KLAUS KINSKI) and boring INSEMONOID (which also featured a pissed off space monster)? As it turns out, CREATURE is one of the more entertaining ALIEN wannabes and from now on, I’m going to think of it in the same high regard as say FORBIDDEN WORLD (1982) and GALAXY OF TERROR (1981). Good lord is there anything more fun than a sci-fi horror hybrid riding the coattail exhaust fumes of the unmitigated masterpiece ALIEN? Doubt it.

And you know what’s really weird? As much flack as CREATURE gets for being an ALIEN clone when you watch it now, it’s actually more like a psychic precursor prediction of PROMETHEUS (try saying that a hundred times fast). Seriously there’s some kind of DEAD SPACE death disease bouncing around this flick that transforms KINSKI into a black-eyed, space helmet headed zombie-oid who could easily have been lifted right out of that semi-recent spooky space jam. Plus you want stars? I’ll give you stars! CREATURE boasts cinema’s greatest father, LYMAN WARD!!! He’s the dad of both FERRIS BEULLER and ELM STREET 2’s Ron Grady (ROBERT RUSLER). And how about sophisticated glamour-puss DIANE SALINGER? Not only did she star in both PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE and PEE WEE’S HOLIDAY, she was also married to PEE WEE as Penguin’s ma in BATMAN RETURNS! She’s a total badass in this and probably the inspiration for that Kay-Em 14 character (LISA RYDER) in JASON X. Not that you need more than KINSKI.

I guess now is the part when I’m supposed to plead to the powers that be that CREATURE be released on Blu-ray but nope, I gotta say I’m all set here with this rusty and crusty VHS tape! The picture is actually way better than what I had prepared myself for and there’s something so fitting about watching low-tech science fiction on tape because it comes across as an intercepted transmission of some sort. Plus I’m a horror fan not a horror consumer and yes, I really dig the nostalgia factor. Folks keep trying to make nostalgia a bad word but that’s never going to work on me. Perhaps the most retro reaction I’m going to have toward CREATURE is I’m going to watch it again! Does anyone remember when a movie rental was so special that you tried to get as many views as you could out of it before you returned it? In closing, this is one of the best dollars I ever spent. CREATURE delivers all the eighties goodness you could ever want plus it’s never stingy on the blood and gore and it’s kind enough to treat you to a decent view of the big bad monster. What more can you ask for? Should I have told you the plot? C’mon you know the plot.

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So, back in middle school, I checked out this book from the library more times than I can count. I can’t remember the name of it to save my life though. It had a hand-drawn black and white cover and the bulk of it was filled with information regarding Dracula and other generic scary things. But at the end of the book, there was a section of horror movie trivia that included questions about “Frankenhooker” and the name of the video store that Jason walks past in one of the “Friday the 13th” sequels. If this rings a bell for anyone, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thank you!

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OK, just to start things off…

Why are these on your site?

Now to the main portion.

I saw the Crack Monster and the Courage episode already. (OH PLEASE USE THE ROMY & ROACH IMAGE AGAIN!) but there was another Sesame animation that freaked me out.

There was this boy who got lost, okay? And he passes by all these things that look like something straight out of Pepperland. Then he FINALLY finds out he’s lost, and this weird guy with a yo-yo appears and tells him to make the first thing he passed the last. That’s how the boy got home.

What the hell, PBS? Why would you air that?

Surprisingly enough, the day I watched it again, right after I saw it, I discovered the Crack Monster cartoon had been found.

Oh, and that anti-heroin toy monkey PSA. THAT USED TO SCARE THE CELESTIAL OUT OF ME!

Speaking to you from Bhava-Agra,

Tenshi.

UNK SEZ: Thanks for the delicious traumafession, Tenshi! I remember that psychedelic SESAME STREET short all too well! To answer your first question, SNOOPY COME HOME is represented on our sidebar thanks to this horrifying scene….

And ANNIE is included because ANN REINKING is secretly Satan as is proven by this slice of spazzy Hell…

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1977’s LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR may not be a horror film but it certainly left me with a feeling that most horror films neglect to convey and that feeling is actual horror. I used to think maybe I was just ill prepared and taken off guard when I first viewed it many eons ago but a recent revisit convinced me that knowledge of its eventual destination not only fails to dilute the impact but actually adds to the sense of dread. It’s got a very seventies, borderline stalling pace but I have a feeling that spending so much down time with DIANE KEATON’s wonderfully flawed character as she takes one step forward and two steps back in her journey toward self-discovery/destruction is what makes the film’s final chime echo so loudly.

In any case, I feel it is my duty to inform all of those interested that for what I’m sure will be a very limited time, you can catch RICHARD (IN COLD BLOOD) BROOKS’ LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR on YouTube. If you have even the slightest interest in checking it out this may be your last chance. It’s not available on DVD and due to, I’m guessing, music rights issues, it may never be and even if you shell out some big bucks for a VHS tape, it will look like crap. Yes! Check it out; this not long for this world, YouTube version is all crispy clean and letterboxed! So perfect for ruining your day! You’re welcome!

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Greetings all:

Kindertrauma is a cross between a fan site and a support group, isn’t it?

Anyhoo…at almost 50 years old I have a lot of Traumafessions from the “classic” (cough) days of horror movies.

My parents bear some of the blame. We had a drive-in theatre (remember those?) that would play maybe one first-run movie (“Smokey And The Bandit,” “Cannonball Run,” etc.) and then some Grade Z horror stinkers, like “Grizzly,” “Schizoid” and “The Toolbox Murders“…and sometimes really late, they would have bad European soft-core skin flicks (dubbed or subtitled) but those weren’t listed on the marquee!

On top of it, this drive-in was in northern Indiana, directly across the road from where the Ford Pinto got rear-ended and exploded in the late ’70s! I remember an aerial shot of that on the NBC Nightly News with John Chancellor showing the theatre and this big black burnt splotch across the road. Don’t tell me that area wasn’t cursed! The theatre doesn’t exist anymore; it was torn down and a Walmart built (still cursed with bad service the last time I was there about 15 years ago).

That was the only place my mother would consent to go see movies…and it didn’t matter what they were, and my young, impressionable butt got dragged along. The only time I think I won out was when the aforementioned “Grizzly” was being shown. My mother thought it was something like the then-popular Dan Haggerty “Grizzly Adams” TV show (so help me, it’s true!), but I’d seen the trailers (oh, the impact trailers had on my life!). I finally persuaded my dad to call the theatre box office and they confirmed what I said…and dad said “no, we’re not going to see that.” He was the sensible one – he wouldn’t let me see “Jaws” at 9 years old in the theatre. He said “it’s rated PG, Parental Guidance, I’m your parent and I don’t want to see it so you’re not either!”

I think the movie trailers were in some ways worse than the actual movies! They would pop up on TV when you weren’t expecting them, even in the middle of something like “Hogan’s Heroes” or reruns of old Looney Tunes cartoons…you’re watching Porky Pig, and then you crap yourself over one of those horrible trailers. The worst one for me, beyond a doubt, was “IT’S ALIVE.” I still can’t watch that!

Other Hall of Shame trailers:

1. “Suspiria.” That scene where the woman with the beautiful long hair turns around and has a decaying, rotted skull of a face…

2. “Magic.” That grotesque ventriloquist dummy, “Fats,” should have been turned into kindling wood!

3. Even the first, original 1977 trailer for “Star Wars” was kind of spooky in the beginning, with the logo in outer space and someone’s creepy voice talking over it.

4. “Carrie.” My parents did go to see that one (I persuaded them to let me go elsewhere!) and it scared hell out of my diesel mechanic, former Army soldier dad.

5. A qualified mention for “Alien,” as that actually became one of my top films! I remember the very first trailer with just the egg without scenes from the movie inserted.

6. “Phantasm.” That horrible, evil silver ball…

Theatre owners were devious. They’d even slip those in as “COMING ATTRACTIONS!” when I would go to see something innocuous like “The Bad News Bears!” A pox on them for eternity!

Of course, there were the tried-and-horrible TV episodes like the Hallowe’en “Little House on the Prairie,” and “The Day After,” though I was older then and it really didn’t get to me…and I ended up joining the Air Force!

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Let’s take a field trip over to HULU where we can watch the 2014 documentary KILLER LEGENDS for the price of free! It’s from the folks who brought you CROPSY yet I kinda like it better than CROPSY because it’s stuffed with clips from so many of Kindertrauma’s favorite films. KILLER LEGENDS explores the classic hook hand urban legend and its connection to THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN, the hysteria surrounding tampered Halloween candy, the classic “the call is coming from inside the house!” routine and Chicago’s longtime issue with rampaging killer clowns. I probably would have preferred that the filmmakers stayed off camera, left some of their chatter on the cutting room floor and resisted the temptation to tell an old lady that her home was once the scene of a heinous murder, but why look a free flick in the mouth?

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I can’t believe I’ve never seen a single episode of the BORIS KARLOFF-hosted anthology series THRILLER before. I have several excuses as to why not but they make me sound stupid, so I’d rather not share them. Thankfully the fates stepped in and forced the issue. I was watching something on YouTube the other day when an episode of THRILLER popped up as a suggested next watch on the side. All I saw was a title card which read “Parasite Mansion” and I was sold. I can’t resist a title like that, it sounds like the name of my new favorite band. Well, I must have watched the best episode first because I find it hard to believe there’s another one better than “Parasite Mansion.” It’s all downhill from here. It’s like a swampy pitstop between THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1932) and THE HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (1932) and it features SPIDER BABY‘s (1967) BEVERLY WASHBURN as a tortured waif plagued by a poltergeist who is holed up in a decrepit room clinging to a rag doll and scribbling gibberish on the walls. The word “jackpot” comes to mind.

Like all great stories, this one begins with car trouble, the kind of trouble that occurs when someone blows out your tires with a shotgun while you’re driving through the woods on a dark, rainy night. PIPA SCOTT plays Marcia, a thoughtful woman with (Ginny Field-style) psychology on her side who wakes up in a cob web strewn, Southern gothic mansion and is kept against her will by a family of lunatics all bent on keeping a supernatural secret. I won’t say anymore because I don’t want to ruin anything but I must add that JEANETTE NOLAN as bonkers ringleader Granny Harrod is through the roof, over the moon, one for the books, phenomenal. I found her so mesmerizingly hideous that my pupils turned to hearts. I love a good hag and Granny Harrod is like the haggiest hag who ever hagged. It’s so sad she can’t be in every episode of THRILLER.

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