Hey, I almost forgot to tell y’all about my FINAL-D film-going adventure! Now that I’ve had some time to mop the psychedelic residue of R.Z.’s H2 from my brain, I remember that I saw THE FINAL DESTINATION on the same day! Now where R.Z.’s movie was so batty delirious that even if you hated it you could not get it out of your mind, the fourth installment of F-D is so by the book procedural that even if you loved it, it’s hard to retain anything of what you saw.
Of course it’s all types of fun watching bystanders either crushed under heavy objects or blown to smithereens (I know that sounds harsh, but when you’re in a theater that features about a dozen audience members talking into their cell phones you can really start to develop a “Let God sort them out!” mentality) the problem is that going through the motions of watching yet another group of people slowly figure out the rules of the franchise might have you wishing that a buzz saw would land on your own head.
I like that they moved slightly away from the teeny bopper vibe of PART 3 and tried to bring a more assorted variety of people into the fray ala PART 2, but still most of the so-called characters are indistinguishable from each other. Please Hollywood people, I’m not suggesting you hire good writers or anything, but at least cast girls with different hair color so I know who is dying (Another free tip: Throw a pair of glasses or a baseball cap on one!) Speaking of hair color, I like how we’ve moved past the kill the black guy first thing (so much so that you just KNOW that the black guy is not going to die first), so let’s say we drop the whole ginger guy is a bullying asshole routine too huh? (Oh, and don’t bring back ginger guy is the comic relief nerd either ‘cuz I didn’t like that either!)
The saddest news is that the 3-D is not up to MY BLOODY VALENTINE standards. I don’t know if it was a technical issue or if the movie was just so dishrag dark that it didn’t stick, but I was only impressed about a quarter of the time. Truth be known, I have to admit to laughing like Bart Simpson viewing an episode of ITCHY & SCRATCHY on several occasions, so that’s a good thing. (The opening credits that showed all the kills from the previous installments in x-ray were a nice touch too.)
I think the word “serviceable” was invented for movies like this; it’s really just time filler for when you are tired of mowing down pedestrians in GRAND THEFT AUTO. Remember how spooky the first installment tried to be with that dark shadow force roaming around and the tree branches that turn into skeleton hands (or was that the second?) that cool stuff is nowhere to be found here. Truth is, anyone who holds the climax of his movie in a suburban mall and then ignores the opportunity to demolish the HOT TOPIC store, just isn’t trying hard enough.