kindertrauma

Year: 2008

Kinder-news:: The Crying Boy Painting

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In our ongoing effort to bring you the hottest news that's two decades old, we here at Kindertrauma felt it was our responsibility to alert our fair readers about the dreaded curse of the crying boy painting. If you already own this piece of art, then chances are you may be reading this post from a pile of smoldering ashes. In 1985, a fire fighter from Yorkshire told the British tabloid THE SUN that he and his co-workers were beginning to get freaked out by a phenomena they could not explain. On repeat occasions, they had witnessed homes completely destroyed by fire, save for this lone mass-produced painting. After the story was published, THE SUN was flooded with letters from readers who had experienced the same thing. It was decided that the painting was cursed and the newspaper orchestrated mass bonfires. Some say even the warehouse that the newspaper had used to store the retrieved, waiting to be destroyed paintings, burned to the ground. More and more unsubstantiated rumors encircled the paintings. Some said if you saved the picture from harm, it would bring you fortune or if you hung it next to a crying girl painting it would defuse its evil power. There are several different versions of the work as painter BRUNO AMADIO (AKA BRUNO BRAGOLIN)'s entire oeuvre consists of images of waifish street children with tear-stained cheeks. Eventually the originally quoted fireman claimed he was misquoted and that the entire frenzy was the result of a slow news day for THE SUN. Whether the painting is actually cursed or simply strangely fireproof is a still a mystery. All I know is, you won't find this painting hanging on my wall, I'll stick to the less CHARLIE MCGEE–like large eyed kitties and puppies produced by American artist MARGARET KEANE.

The Funhouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is a hard act to follow. Although there are some legitimate duds in TOBE HOOPER's resume (SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION), most of his output gets unfairly shirked when compared to his early masterpiece. 1981's THE FUNHOUSE in particular gets short changed. Often lumped in with the cash-in slashers of the same year, it's actually an exuberant collision between classic monster tropes and the splatter body horror of its day. Dismissing the winking (literally) homages to HALLOWEEN and PSYCHO in the films opening sequence as brain-dead wheel spinning, most audiences where blind to the originality that was to proceed.
ELIZABETH BERRIDGE plays Amy Harper, a young woman on the verge of adulthood. She's leaving behind the childish ways of her youth represented by an obnoxious younger sibling (SHAWN CARSON). With the aid of a small lie, she plans to attend an ominous visiting carnival against her parents' approval. What she's really toying with is the idea of losing her virginity, not exactly a novel concept in the realm of '80's horror geared toward teen audiences, but the price Amy pays for opening her Pandora's box is.
Although the likable enough Amy is clearly our final girl from the get go, the way she is represented is unusual. Her first scene is a nude one and we are shown early on a harsh glimpse at her caged anger when a prank is played. Next we are shown an unflattering Polaroid that her brother has taken of her mid-scowl while the audio from THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN plays in the background, declaring simply "She IS the Bride of Frankenstein!" Amy is smugly dishonest and although coy about the possibility of sex, she's not exactly nixing the idea either. This is a far cry from the stalwart Girl Scouts and lovable tomboys we're used to. Amy is not the golden girl, she's not a pillar of truth, she skates gray areas that are in fact, closer to real human behavior.
Upon arriving with her friends and a suitable beau to the traveling show, Amy is accosted by an old crone who repeatedly warns, "God is watching." (Would any good horror movie be complete with out the aged doomsayer?) The night is alive with excitement and every other scene explodes with the colors of a smashed gumball machine. Amy is feeling freedom and perhaps the power to fulfill her wishes. She is at the high point of her life, too young to give a shit, but old enough to have real adult fun.
Having an excellent time walking the line of innocent amusement and irresistible attraction to life's grittier side, Amy and her friends decide to stay over night within the titular funhouse. This not only gives them a chance to get down to that sex business, but to also witness prostitution, premature ejaculation and murder. They also make the mistake of swiping some cash from the till and discovering the secret inhabitant of the ride, the yin to Amy's yang. If Amy is "the Bride," than he is her groom. He's even wearing a FRANKENSTEIN mask in case there's any confusion. Unfortunately his fantasy horror mask hides an even more horrifying reality. He is a physically deformed representative of adolescent sexuality, a hideous monster that can't be easily controlled.
Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no turning back for Amy or any of her friends. There is no returning to the innocence of youth. This is beautifully illustrated when her parents come to fetch her younger brother who has also been up to curiosity inspired mischief on the fairground. Watching from an upper fan enclosed portal, Amy screams for their aid to no avail. She might as well be screaming through Alice's looking glass from another dimension. Her parents extract her brother from the nightmare and exit oblivious. Apparently her sibling's youth makes him savable and eligible for protection.
More subtly than in most slasher films, Amy's pals fall and die according to their now unusable usual survival techniques. Buzz's muscular heroics are a no go. Liz's attempts to use her beauty are a failure, and Richie, a tricky prankster, is off-ed by a regrettable misread of information (and an axe). Did they get off easy next to Amy?
Amy does indeed survive the night, but the victory is hollow and she appears more damaged than relieved. It's not moxie, but dumb luck that allows her to live. She does not turn into LINDA HAMILTON at any point of the film. She escapes the machinery of life's funhouse simply because the monster was just slightly a bigger loser than she…

Obviously death would never be the outcome for our Amy in THE FUNHOUSE. Instead she is awoken into the world that HOOPER has been rubbing our noses in ever since we arrived on the scene. Rather than spooking us with images of murder and mayhem, we have been treated to body mutation, both human and animal, and mounds of aging twisted flesh, the real horror of mortality and age. Happy clown faces, images of childhood crack, peal and mockingly laugh. This ride has been going on forever. Something wicked does indeed, this way come… 

As Amy leaves the funhouse she passes the old hag who repeats, "God is watching." This God, rather than inflict moral punishment on Amy for discovering her sexuality, has something else in mind. He's going to take away her youth and shove her on life's conveyer belt toward old age and death. Amy's discovery of sex puts her in the same boat as the fleshy strippers that "wiggle" for the crowds and the aged bloated psychic (SYLVIA MILES). What Amy is really discovering about her body and this mortal coil, is that there's nowhere to go but down.
      

The Devil's Daughter

Posted on By aunt john

 

 Following the highly suspicious gun death of her estranged mother, Diane Shaw (BELINDA MONTGOMERY) is practically adopted graveside by purported family friend Lilith Malone (SHELLEY WINTERS) who I-N-S-I-S-T-S Diane move in with her and her mute man servant (DARK SHADOWS' JONATHAN FRID) immediately. Back at the house, Lilith makes a production number out of presenting Diane with a cheap looking ring once owned by her late mother. Perhaps blinded by her grief, Diane fails to notice the ominous portrait of Satan hanging above the mantel. She does realize that Lilith and her middle-aged posse of eccentric pals, who include the legendary ABE VIGODA and the handsome Southern woman who was the manager of the Susan B. Anthony Hotel for Women on BOSOM BUDDIES, have an off-putting interest in her. As soon as Diane gets her hands on her inheritance from the executor of her mother's estate (JOSEPH COTTON), she hightails it out of Lilith's house, takes on a roommate and moves into a horse-themed bachelorette pad downstairs from the curly-haired dreamboat Steve (ROBERT FOXWORTH). Although relations between Diane and Lilith have grown strained, dopey Diane agrees to return to Lilth's place for a swinging party in her honor. After executing one of the most awkward interpretative dances ever to be captured on the small screen, Diane learns the horrible truth that her late mother got her freak on one drunken night with the Prince of Darkness, and that she is Satan's little girl. Determined to lead a normal life, well as normal as one can for being THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER, Diane severs all ties with Lilith and fast tracks her courtship with the aforementioned Steve by accepting his proposal of matrimony. Naturally, wedding protocol dictates an appearance by the Father of the Bride, and being the big softie that he is, Satan shows up to give his little girl away. Exhibiting all of the subtlety of a monster truck jam, SHELLEY WINTERS owns this sub-par, supernatural TV movie by bulldozing over anyone with the misfortune of sharing screen time with her.

  • The brief cameo by DIANE LADD as Diane's mother and Satan's concubine
  • Diane shakes her tail feather and jiggles it, just a little bit, for the daffy devil worshippers
  • The tragic death of Diane's roommate at the hooves of an overexcited horse
  • Steve's super dreamy eyes shining like a crazy demonic diamond for Diane at the altar

Poltergeist 3

Posted on By unkle lancifer

    This post is part of FINAL GIRL's

      HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

        In which participants:

          "write about something in the world of film that fills you with complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY."

            I'm not sure I know what this "joy" thing is, but I do know that you're supposed to say "mentally challenged" rather than "retarded" and "whoopee" instead of the "F" word! Wait a minute, that sounds kinda douchey, perhaps I missed the point of this whole thing! Actually I know exactly what my pal Final Girl, aka Stacie Ponder is talking about. You see, all us folks who write about movies sometimes we forget that we're supposed to sorta LIKE movies a little bit. It seems we're kinda busy trying to be know-it-alls all the time and that we forget what it's like to just enjoy the stuff. Anyone can sit back and judge and critique but you know what? It's super fucking hard to make a movie and it's not something any retard can do. Movies are amazing things and they can change the way you think about stuff and they can take you away from all your worries almost as well as alcohol can, but without that whole waking up in an alley with a missing shoe problem. We tend to fold our arms and say, "Show me!" to the screen rather than putting a little effort forth and trying to understand what the filmmakers were trying to do and that's OUR loss. I'm not saying that there aren't lousy movies out there, but let's be honest, there are way more lousy audience members.

              So to quote one of my favorite lines from the unloved DEMI MOORE vehicle MORTAL THOUGHTS "Where is the joy?" Well for me the joy is in perfect moments in not so perfect movies like MORTAL THOUGHTS. Stacey's gauntlet toss had me thinking "Here is the perfect time to defend one of my favorite flicks that everyone hates!" Would it be CATHY'S CURSE or THE ATTIC? Honestly, both of those movies just seemed too big for me to tackle in my post Saint Patrick Day's haze.

                Then it came to me, POLTERGEIST 3! How I love it! And not even because it's a freaky failure or because there's big hair and awful GOLDEN GIRLS style pastel clothes and truly shitty dialogue. I'm just amazed that it exists and I can watch it everyday. I think it's just weird as hell and strangely moving and there's a real yucky death vibe in there. It's just so damn DIFFERENT from everything else. I love that none of the effects were done in postproduction. I love the corny mirror tricks. I love director GARY SHERMAN(DEAD AND BURIED). I love NANCY ALLEN. Holy shit, I may even love the intolerable Scott (KIPLEY WENTZ)!

                  I love it so much more than I could ever love a "good" movie. Honestly, you really don't know what love is until you figure out how to love imperfection…I think Jesus told me that, pass it on. So there I was ready to write my review and I remembered THIS FANTASTIC POLTERGEIST 3 SITE! I thought I'd just check it out for last minute inspiration, but once there I said to myself, self I sez "HERE is the joy… This is joy in all its fucking retarded glory!"

                    Webmaster David Furtney who is well aware of P3's considerable faults is infatuated and madly in love with P3 to a degree that should be envied by filmgoers everywhere. Let me go one further, as a human being on this planet consider yourself lucky if ANYONE ever loves you with a fifth of the devotion that David does his P3. When I saw that he even linked to an online SPEAK n SPELL game I nearly choked back tears. My "Don't be a douchbag day" dreams had been answered!

                      I can't tell you that POLTERGEIST 3 is a good movie, but I can tell you what love is and if you don't recognize it when some one is pointing it out to you as plainly as I am here, then you my friend may be ever so slightly douchey. So rather than post a review, I suggest we all check out DAVID'S SITE, maybe it won't change your mind about POLTERGEIST 3, but I think it may remind you of a similar movie that you have in your collection; one that you may not be exactly proud of, but that you turn to now and again when you want to remember what joy is.

                      Leprechaun

                      Posted on By aunt john

                      Clad in a sweet pair of L.A. Gear hi-tops and patchwork short shorts, spoiled twenty-something Tory (JENNIFER ANISTON) moves into a dilapidated bungalow in the middle of nowhere with her father. Unbeknownst to the father/daughter duo, and the trio of painters they contract to spruce up the place, there is a gold-obsessed leprechaun (WARWICK DAVIS) locked in a crate in the basement. While Tory and handyman Nathan (KEN OLANDT of APRIL FOOL'S DAY and SUMMER SCHOOL fame) set to painting the side of the house electric blue, the developmentally disabled Ozzie (MARK HOLTON, "It's not for sale, Francis!" from PEE WEE's BIG ADVENTURE) frees the wee monster from his wooden prison. No one believes Ozzie at first when he tells of seeing a leprechaun in the basement, but they all come around pretty quickly after it starts tirelessly terrorizing them for his gold. The leprechaun is pretty persistent, and manages to send Tory's father to the hospital, injures Nathan's leg with a bear trap, and kills a cop and a precious metals expert in his quest. After Tory returns what is believed to be all of the gold hidden in a wishing well, the leprechaun keeps up with his attacks, demanding the return of a final missing coin unfortunately located in Ozzie's stomach. Nathan and Ozzie distract the leprechaun by tossing an assortment of pumps and flats into the yard (aside from having a thing for gold, the leprechaun also has a shoe fetish), so Tory can slip away to a local convalescent home to learn that only a four-leaf clover can stop the pint-sized psycho. Tory and the boys eventually manage to immobilize the tiny terror with a clover and imprison him in the wishing well before the end credits, but not before viewers are subjected to a nightmarish mishmash of bad puns and sight gags that were better delivered by FREDDY KRUEGER.

                      • All of the scenes involving the leprechaun and his various modes of miniaturized transport: tricycle, toy car, roller skates, wheelchair, and skateboard
                      • The leprechaun careens through the fence and leaves a perfect outline of his body ala a BUGS BUNNY cartoon
                      • The leprechaun's tiny hand pops through the receiver and caresses Tory's cheek
                      • Tory's sizeable portable phone (cellular technology has come along way since 1993)

                      Traumafessions :: Aunt John on Darby O'Gill & the Little People

                      Posted on By aunt john

                      I was either in second or third grade at the time, and as a special St. Patrick's Day treat my entire grade school was forced to don green attire, drink Shamrock Shakes concocted by the cafeteria staff, and watch DARBY O'GILL & THE LITTLE PEOPLE in the gymnasium. Overall, the film was pretty dull and could barely hold the attention of kids cracked out on mint-chocolate chip drinks. The mass boredom quickly gave way to hysteria with the on-screen appearance of the screaming banshee, who had come to claim the soul of title character's daughter who had fallen ill after chasing a horse up a mountain side. The younger kids started screaming and some were even audibly sobbing. Things got worse when the phantom death coach came tearing out of the sky to take Darby in place of his daughter. The girl sitting in front of me on the floor became so upset she vomited green ice cream chunks all over the back of the boy sitting in front of her. The teacher running the projector stopped the film, and I don't think they ever showed it again for St. Patty's Day.

                      Still Of The Night

                      Posted on By unkle lancifer

                       

                       What in the name of God is a MERYL STREEP movie doing on Kindertrauma? Before you throw your computer out the window, let me explain. STILL OF THE NIGHT also stars the recently deceased and highly mourned ROY SCHEIDER (JAWS)! It is a quiet, slow boiling homage to HITCHCOCK (visually, it's more INTERIORS-era WOODY ALLEN) and although it wouldn't induce a goose pimple on your old Aunt Tilly, it was released in 1982 and sometimes that's enough. SCHEIDER plays Dr. Sam Rice, a psychiatrist whose patient may or may not have been killed (sadly off screen) by Brooke Reynolds (STREEP in her lone chain-smoking Femme Fatale performance. Between you, me and the lamppost she actually cleans up real good). O.K., that's sorta the whole plot, someone's trying to snuff ROY's light out too, and we're supposed to think it's the STREEP, but nobody does because that's far too obvious. The real reason that S.O.T.N. made it to these pink pages is because, at one point, ROY recounts his patient's Frued-orific dream which has a handy riddle inside, that once deciphered will reveal the real killer. This dream features a very scary little girl. In fact, she's so creeped-out that when she pulls her teddy bear's eye off, it bleeds real blood! The little waif proceeds to make like a pint-sized Freddy Krueger and chases the poor, soon-to-be-dead dreamer around a swanky Long Island abode. Ultimately, she bursts through a door with pupils painted on her eyelids and autumn leaves swirling about her head while an ear splitting scream blares. The dream sequence is pretty damn cool and, truthfully, so is the surprise ending where I promise you a knife does come into play in some capacity. The bad news is you will have to endure a non-thrilling auction house scene that tries to pry suspense from ROY passing STREEP a note undetected. STILL OF THE NIGHT is probably too still for most horror junkies but, the great part is, if you ever find yourself getting bored, you can always play spot the HITCHCOCK reference.indelible scenes

                      • Roy has an Uncle Charlie ala SHADOW OF A DOUBT
                      • STREEP sits in as the prerequisite blonde ice queen and JESSICA TANDY (THE BIRDS) is present as well
                      • Dreams play a large role (SPELLBOUND) and there's also an auction (NORTH BY NORTHWEST)
                      • STREEP conveniently moves into an apartment behind her alleged prey allowing for voyeuristic REAR WINDOW camera play
                      • That first step is a doozy! (VERTIGO)

                      The Kindred

                      Posted on By unkle lancifer

                       

                       Right before kicking the bucket with an unsolicited assist from diabolical Dr. Lloyd (mad as a hatter ROD STIEGER, AMERICAN GOTHIC), Amanda Hollins (BAD RONALD's ma KIM HUNTER) informs her son John (DAVID ALLEN BROOKS) that he has an unknown brother named Anthony. She also requests that he go to her house and destroy all evidence of the secret experiments that she has been working on over the years. Rather than heed his mom's dying wish, John invites his girlfriend, his co-workers and a shifty follower of his mom's theoretical writings (AMANDA PAYS , LEVIATHON) up to the old homestead for a weekend of snooping and dropping like flies. What John discovers, besides that his friends are mortal, is that he may have got the looks and brains in the family, but his long lost brother got the amphibian complexion and the desire to maim. If ever there was an unheralded, long lost classic from the eighties this is it. The story moves at a clip, the characters are engaging (GEORGE CLOONEY's ex TALIA BALSAM of CRAWLSPACE is especially good) and most importantly, the latter half of the film is wall-to-wall sludge, stomach busting effects and edge of your sofa suspense. I'm shocked that it does not have a better reputation among horror fans. Sure, it opens like one of those boring, claustrophobic mad scientist in an underground bunker flicks, but once it gets revved up. it plays like the great missing H.P. LOVECRAFT adaptation that STUART GORDON forgot to tell you he made. I have to admit to being partial to tentacles, be they octopus, squid or BOOGEN in origin, and this pictures got' em by the truckload. Why they even sprout out of a watermelon for chrisake! There is a human to fish transformation scene, rickety floorboards that lead to a subterranean pit of mini monsters, and a rousing climax that leaves STIEGER covered in clear gelatinous goo. If you've somehow missed this once late night cable regular, do yourself a favor and track it down. The kill ratio may be low but the slime tide is remarkably high.indelible scenes

                      • From the That's Gotta Suck! File: Being trapped down in Dr Lloyd's basement full of homicidal open sored puss-faced mutations
                      • Quiet drive is disturbed by watermelon exploding with creature and every orifice in driver's face being stuffed with tentacles
                      • Screaming cat-like monstrosity on the operating table
                      • Melissa (PAYS) violently shoves a fetus critter back in the jar
                      • John's ultimate showdown with brother Anthony!

                      Official Traumatot:: Billy Jacoby

                      Posted on By unkle lancifer

                       

                       Even if you don't know his name, you're sure to have seen BILLY JACOBY before. He appeared in nearly every other television show and movie produced during the eighties. Juggling multiple monikers throughout his career and now known as BILLY JAYNE, this OFFICIAL TRAUMATOT's genre resume may be the longest on record. Putting aside his most visible turn as the wise-cracking Buddy in the teen TOOTSIE-in-reverse masterpiece JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, his credits include BLOODY BIRTHDAY, HOSPITAL MASSACRE A.K.A. X-RAY (in which he was paired again alongside BLOODY BIRTHDAY costar ELIZABETH HOY), THE BEASTMASTER, the great SUPERSTITION, the classic CUJO, the amazing NIGHTMARES, the nearly unwatchable DEMONWARP and even the DAVID DeCOTEAU helmed JUDY LANDERS infected trashathon DR.ALIEN among others. It's high time we all salute the hardest working TRAUMATOT in the business!    Â