kindertrauma

Year: 2008

Bloody Birthday

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

   If you ever give birth to a baby during an eclipse, take my advice and throw it into the nearest trash can. Babies born during an eclipse, having missed the influence of Saturn, have nothing by the way of human conscience. I can tell you first hand that living without a conscience is no big whoop; however, these eclipse babies also develop a passion for brutal murder, and without the conscience thing to curb their bloodlust, what you get is a situation like the one depicted in BLOODY BIRTHDAY. In this case, three kids are born on the same eclipse sullied day and as they near their tenth year of life on our blue planet, their insatiable desire for murder cripples, or at least complicates matters for, a small Californian town. The three kids in question are as follows; four-eyed weasel Curtis Taylor (BILLY JACOBY), cruel MISS-PIGGY-faced Debbie Brody (ELIZABETH HOY) and a boring blond kid who only becomes less so when a fish bowl is chucked at his head (STEVEN SETON). Whenever they can, they kill the innocent with an arsenal of jump ropes, skateboards, shovels, arrows, and, when time is of the essence, guns. Little Debbie is so blatantly evil that she charges her mischievous posse quarters to check out big sis Beverly (The non "Wubba Wubba Wubba" JULIE BROWN ) undress! Thank all that is holy that sometimes-sitter Joyce Russel (THE PREY's LORI LETHIN) and her lil' bro Timmy (Mike Seaver's pal Eddie from GROWING PAINS, K.C. MARTEL) figure out exactly what the terrible troika's got cooking and vow to put an end to their sinister shenanigans. With a bucket load of bottom of the barrel co-stars (top billers SUSAN STRASBERG and JOSE FERRER make glorified cameos ), and a script whose mantra is "destination nowhere", BLOODY BIRTHDAY may be an amateurishly decorated, half-baked affair but thanks to the nonstop mayhem, it's also a wish come true for killer kiddie flick fans.indelible scenes

  • Mid coital teens pulverized in open grave
  • Dad cop Brody bludgeoned in the front yard
  • Junk yard refrigerator trap
  • Curtis tries to run down Joyce wearing ghostly guise
  • The great ant poison birthday cake debacle
  • BLOODY BIRTHDAY's ultimate trademark set piece JULIE BROWN gets arrow in the eye through makeshift bedroom closet glory hole

C.H.U.D.

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 GREEN ACRES truly is the place to be! EDDIE ALBERT would have won his famous theme song country vs. city debate with EVA GABOR a lot quicker if he left out the "chores" lyric and simply reminded her of the "C.H.U.D.s!" The Big Apple may have stores and Times Square, but neither of those selling points can be experienced when one is being pulled into a manhole by a glowy-eyed subterranean mutation. For our less citified readers I should explain exactly what a C.H.U.D. is. The acronym stands for "Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller" or "Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal" depending on whom you ask. If you receive the latter reply as an answer to your query, you are probably speaking to someone who is deeply imbedded in the cover-up of these monstrous creatures. In addition, if you've ever found yourself wondering why radiation poisoning is not a viable solution to our country's homeless problem, look no further. It turns out that radiation has a strange effect on the homeless. The sad truth is it turns them into C.H.U.D.s. In the old days before you could just Google such facts, folks had to find out the hard way. Disgruntled fashion photographers (JOHN HEARD), mop topped soup kitchen volunteers (DANIEL STERN) and even widowed (by C.H.U.D.-ly means) police officers (CHRISTOPHER CURRY) had to get their hands dirty to discover what you just learned for free. For those who are thinking, "Just round up all the bag people and transients and ship them off, that'll solve the problem!" I have to disagree. It's actually the illegal transportation of radioactive toxic waste through our sewer systems that is the real culprit here. How can you differentiate between normal homeless people and those that have gotten the C.H.U.D. bug? Well floodlights for eyes and green skin is one fool proof indicator, but try this test the next time you're passing by a hobo camp; just stop and offer up some coinage. If your arm comes back a bloody stump, you're most definitely dealing with a C.H.U.D.!indelible scenes

  • Lady walking her dog is pulled into manhole
  • Lost father and young daughter use phone booth and accidentally dial 1-800-C.H.U.D.
  • Poor puppy is found hanging by leash in sewer
  • Considerate C.H.U.D. elongates neck for easier Samurai sword slicing
  • HEARD & STEARNS exciting manhole escape!

South Park: Imaginationland

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Even if you are not a regular fan of SOUTH PARK, you doubtlessly are a fan of someone or something that makes a cameo in SOUTH PARK IMAGINATIONLAND. Freddy, Pinhead, Jason, THE PROPHECY's ManBearPig, CLASH OF THE TITAN's Medusa and even every nerd boy's wet dream, Retro-Cylons (!) can all be spotted. Those are only a handful of the trauma-inducing icons that appear in the special three-part ,epic mini-movie. I'd reveal more, but the less you know the better about this colorful collage/map of the inside of your pop-culture-fried brain that's guaranteed to push your DVD player's "pause" button to its limit!     

Traumafessions :: Robert T. on Tourist Trap

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The very first horror movie I ever saw was TOURIST TRAP on television and it scared the living daylights out of me. Years later I bought it on DVD and there it sits on my shelf, gathering dust. Even the cover freaks me out. I keep telling myself I'm waiting to be in the "right mood" to watch it. The truth is, that even as an adult I'm scared to return to that feeling again. There is a scene where the killer puts plaster on a tied up girl's face and tells her that her heart is going to explode from fear. That got to me more than every other horror movie I've ever seen put together.

Alone In The Dark

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Irresistibly unhinged legends MARTIN LANDAU, JACK PALANCE and DONALD PLEASENCE all sharing the same screen? The lone voice of reason portrayed by THE A TEAM's "Mad Dog Murdock" DWIGHT SHULTZ? A cameo by LIN SHAYE (DEAD END, 2001 MANIACS)? Really, what have any of us done to deserve such a movie as ALONE IN THE DARK? The early work of director JACK SHOLDER would have one assuming that he was well on his way to becoming a big name in horror. He directed NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2, THE HIDDEN and even edited the legendary THE BURNING. His talent is most clearly on display here though, ALONE which he co-wrote with LIN's producer bro ROBERT SHAYE, is intelligent, tense and truly original. Actually that may have been its downfall. Like the same year's equally ignored and groundbreaking THE SENDER, ALONE takes a stubbornly psychological approach and goes out of its way to work against the slasher mold that had such a firm grip on movie goers at that time. On the surface it's business as usual; escaped lunatics terrorizing a home complete with the standard nubile babysitter, but the difference is these madmen are presented as uncomfortably human and the line that distinguishes them from their prey is smudged whenever possible. Interestingly, the idea of using a disguise to hide behind is played with momentarily in a prophetic scene involving a hockey mask. (ALONE and FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3 which introduced the iconic mask were filmed around the same time and released only a couple months apart so best to chalk it up to the collective unconscious rather than pilfering or tribute). All this humanizing of the psychos may be fun today, but in 1982 it wasn't really what audiences were looking for. ALONE wisely threads black humor into the mix to keep it from getting too heavy and make no mistake, it never flinches when it comes to the gore. Still, viewers made it known they preferred their monsters shadowy and enigmatic, thank you very much. Regardless of its initial reception we're talking classic here folks, one that holds up better then most of it's more successful contemporaries.indelible scenes

  • Opening diner dream sequence includes PLEASENCE looking right at home brandishing a cleaver
  • The loons run over a mailman
  • Bunky (CAROL LEVY) is menaced by a knife blade that appears through the mattress and strangely recalls the shark fin from JAWS
  • SIC F*CKS perform "Chop Up Your Mother" at a joint called "Stumps"
  • Sis goes to the crazy side and hallucinates a corpse out of the blue
  • The brilliant reveal of "The Bleeder"

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Posted on By unkle lancifer

THE MASTERS OF HORROR series is, in a kind word, inconsistent. Episodes range from mind-bogglingly brilliant to simply mind-boggling. Falling somewhere between those two barstools is TOM HOLLAND's WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE SCREAM, the tale of a victimized clown and his craving for sticky, high-calorie revenge. The likable LEE TERGESON (OZ's Tobias Beecher) is Layne, a family man who has just returned to the town of his youth and the memories that still linger there. When Layne was a kid, he was prompted by a bully to participate in a prank that resulted in a mentally challenged clown's head being crushed under the wheel of an ice cream truck. Apparently the lingering guilt of crushing a human skull under a truck is more powerful then that of say, TP'ing your neighbors tree or egging their front door. Layne needn't punish himself because Buster, the aforementioned clown (WILLIAM FORSYTHE, THE DEVIL'S REJECTS) has come back from the dead to do it for him. Now if Buster had just grabbed an axe and started whacking, we'd have a splendid little episode here. Unfortunately, his methods of destruction are far more convoluted than that. He visits the guilty party's children at night, feeds them ice cream shaped like their parents, and as the kids eat the treats, their parents turn to mush. This allows for at least one good melting scene but it also douses any credibility that once was earned. There really is not enough time to establish the rules of the game here, but I cried foul more than once. I especially had difficulty with Layne's eye for an eye solution to his dilemma, which involved getting ice cream from his freezer, making a Buster-looking cone and allowing his kid to eat it, thereby destroying Buster. Good on him that this plan worked but that's a pretty big leap of faith on his part. Visually this episode is as strong as hell and the cast could not be better, but the free-floating, magically convenient logic in the script had me screaming "They cheated us!" like Annie Wilkes at a cliffhanger film festival. Buster the clown is a fantastic creation; he deserves a simpler more stream-lined means of revenge.

indelible scenes

  • Warning: There is a redundant overload of supposedly scary sing-songs; migraine sufferers take note
  • Buster has no nose! A great concept if only it were: A) explained; B) followed up on, in any way shape or form
  • The flashbacks are the best part; HOLLAND gets the summery suburban atmosphere just right
  • Evil Virgil (COLIN CUNNINGHAM) melting in the hot tub. Gloriously BLOB worthy. That's what I'm talking about!
  • Layne uses remote control sprinklers to freeze the frosty Buster

Kinder-news:: RUE MORGUE RADIO interview

Posted on By unkle lancifer

An interview with your pal Uncle Lancifer is featured on RUE MORGUE RADIO this week, so give it a listen when you get the chance! (Note: If I sound like I'm having a flashback of giving a book report in front of the class, it's because I'm having a flashback of giving a book report in front of the class.) My questionable radio talents aside, it was a fun interview and I recommend checking out RUE MORGUE RADIO often, as there is always something cool going on there.

Terrorvision

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Back in the day, if I had to bet on what eighties teen star was most likely to explode big, win awards and end up tabloid fodder; I would have placed all my chips on DIANE FRANKLIN. With her kewpie doll peepers, legitimate acting chops and general effervescent presence, the camera not only loved her, it seemed willing to place it's new coat down on a mud puddle for her to walk across. Alas, it was not meant to be. Come back to the five and dime DIANE FRANKLIN, DIANE FRANKLIN! As it stands, we are left with a handful of worthwhile offerings from the starlet, some impossible to find (T.V. movies SUMMER GIRL and DEADLY LESSONS), some impossible to shake (LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN, AMITYVILLE 2), and some impossible to ignore (foreign exchange student Monique Junot in BETTER OFF DEAD!). The great D.F. was versatile as hell, and if you ever had the itching to see her do the broadest of comedy look no further than TERRORVISION, a wacky CHARLES BAND produced TED NICOLAOU (SUBSPECIES) directed, would-be cult confection that somehow fell through the cracks. Donning CYNDI LAUPER duds and surrounded by a family of equally camped-up oddballs that include renaissance woman and trash icon MARY WARANOV as her Mom, and B-movie magnet GERRIT GRAHAM (CHOPPING MALL) as her dad, FRANKLIN plays Suzy Putterman, a fluffy, MTV-addicted simpleton who is about to come face to face with the gooey antidote to MAC AND ME. Thanks to a new satellite dish, the Puttermans (who also include survivalist Grandpa BERT REMSEN and RAMBO-brained lil'bro CHAD ALLEN) find that their television is now a portal to the stars, or at least an intergalactic trash chute. Equal parts LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and an overextended OINGO BOINGO video, TERRORVISION will stop at nothing to earn its kooky offbeat stripes. The frenetic, panting desperation can grate at times and the humor is hit or miss, but the years have been kind to this intentionally goofy salute to slime and late night cable atrocities. It's '80s excesses are now its strongest selling point, and it's certainly a worthwhile, though admittedly garish, addition to canon la FRANKLIN.indelible scenes

  • Mom and Pop's swinger pals get offed in the pool, later to recreate BOB & CAROL & TED & ALICE poster with Grandpa thrown in for good measure
  • Rocker O.D.'s (JONATHAN GRIES of MONSTER SQUAD) remains resemble a guitar
  • Shout out to ELVIRA in the form of T.V. host Medusa (JENNIFER RICHARDS)
  • JOHN CARL BUECHLER's (CELLAR DWELLER) ZYZZYBALUBA on acid style special effects

EDITOR'S NOTE: Special thanks to Richard of Doomed Moviethon for setting me up with this jem!

Traumafessions :: Stewart R. on Superman 3

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 I was a big fan of the SUPERMAN movies and SUPERMAN 3 seemed like it was going to be a comedic good time thanks to RICHARD PRYOR.  I was completely unprepared for what would happen near the end. Superman battles a super computer which takes over the body of an older female villain (Editor's note: That was BASKETCASE 2 and 3's ANNIE ROSS!) The metamorphosis that occurs includes the agony of wires and machinery seeping into her body. It is all capped off when she opens her eyes to reveal silver eyeballs. Her cold stiff robotic zombie walk was the icing on the cake. It may seem cheesy now but, at the time, I really feared for the man of steel and secretly for myself because of that blank metal stare. This may be considered one of the worst of the SUPERMAN movies, but for me it was pretty frightening. 

Traumafessions :: Joe M. on Death Ship

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was about 5 years old or so, and someone in our family thought it was a good idea to take a child to see the movie DEATH SHIP at the drive-in. I don't remember much of the plot, but I remember people in one boat boarding another boat (the titular "Death Ship"). Of course, all sorts of bad things happened to them. The one thing I remember QUITE VIVIDLY was the scene where a guy finds a fishing net full of skeletons…and proceeds to "fall" into it. As he struggles among the bone pile, someone or something else is lowering the fishing net…slowly, very slowly…into the water. To this day, my biggest fear is drowning at sea.