Author: unkle lancifer

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see PRIMATE because I have grown to have zero tolerance as far as witnessing animals in any kind of distress. Plus, I wasn’t sure the scares would work on me due to my instinctively rooting for the animal against any human in any situation no matter how vicious said animal is behaving. But then I learned the movie was directed and partially written by Johannes Roberts, the righteous dude responsible for my beloved neon soaked, Kim Wilde riddled, slasher-extravaganza STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT and realized I had to see it. I’m so glad I did. PRIMATE is a super suspenseful, edge of your seat, breathless thriller that utilizes one location (think LADY IN A CAGE ('64), meets BURNING BRIGHT (2010)) to its best advantage. It’s brutally savage at times and yet there’s heart as well and it’s impossible not to walk away feeling compassion for all involved, be they man or beast. Oh, and the lavish goth synth score by Adrian Johnston is phenomenal and reminiscent of the best John Carpenter; it blew me away on several occasions and I may have to own it.

A college student named Lucy (Johnny Sequoyah) flies home to Hawaii with her bestie Kate (Victoria Wyant) and her uninvited frenemy Hannah (a wonderfully snidely Jessica Alexander) and what a home it is. Let me tell ya, Lucy’s famous deaf author pop (Troy Kotsor) got some great digs; I haven’t seen a house so impressive since 2006’s WHEN A STRANGER CALLS! Opulence granted, before the film ends we will learn both the pros and the cons of cliffside infinity pools. Lucy also has a little sister named Erin (Gia Hunter) and an adorable adopted chimpanzee brother named Ben who is super smart and communicates with all via sign language and a sorta SPEAK & SPELL tablet device. Everything seems cool except unfortunately unknown to all, Ben (much like our ol’ pal CUJO) has been bitten by a trouble making mongoose with rabies (it’s noted Hawaii is supposed to be free of Rabies so who knows where he picked that up. It certainly wasn’t from my backyard opossum Petunia cuz opossums can’t get rabies and btw are North America’s only marsupial- but I digress). Needless to say, while dad is off at a book signing so he can pay for his slobber-worthy crib, Ben goes completely insane (notice how I didn’t use the term “bananas" or “ape”?) and decides to start cracking skulls like so many coconuts.

What a damn fun movie to see in the theater with a gasping, hiding under their coats, yelling at the screen audience! And I could relate to the dilemma because I have a cat who suffers from serious “recognition aggression” who out of nowhere will not recognize one of his dear pals and goes from super timid to Tasmanian devil within seconds (much like yours truly). I did appreciate that the point is made that what they are dealing with is “not Ben anymore” which allowed me to stop feeling sad for Ben and start feeling terrified not that I didn’t suss that when Ben started to use his SPEAK & SPELL to repeat “Die, Die, Die!”. PRIMATE is a great start for horror in 2026, it’s a real crowd pleasing roller-coaster ride of a popcorn flick that wastes zero time getting to the goods. I can’t wait to see it again, if not for the thrills and jaw (literally in one case) dropping horror but to scope out even more of the spectacular house. Ben really had it made. He had it so good he made the chimp in BJ AND THE BEAR seem downtrodden. Damn that darn mongoose (not really his fault, nature is cruel)!

As far as favorite theatrical films go, it’s damn hard for me to choose between Ryan Coogler’s sensational SINNERS and Zach Cregger’s wonderful WEAPONS. Both are irrefutable instant classics. SINNERS delivered an awe inspiring old school cinematic experience while stoking enduring issues and themes and its reverence for the power of music is perfectly and memorably expressed. The performances (particularly Michael B.Jordan in a duel role) are top notch, the visuals stunning and the air of paranoia it is able to conjure is daunting and sadly all too relatable.

WEAPONS has an ace (or perhaps a joker) up its sleeve that gives it a bit of an edge in my heart and that kooky card is Aunt Gladys (phenomenal Amy Madigan). Fresh horror icons are few and far between and the road to hell is paved by a legion of failed attempts. So bizarre and out of place and yet so recognizable and familiar, boomer boogey-gal Gladys seems to represent every evil obstacle against contentment known to man and yet stands brazenly as a strangely lovable eccentric trickster. Josh Brolin and Julia Garner are exceptional as opposing forces searching for the same answers, the eerie atmosphere and haunting audio cues are exceptional throughout but clearly at the end of the day, it’s Aunt Glady’s nightmare world and we’re all just serving soup and living in it.

You’d be forgiven for thinking both the decades long running PREDATOR and FINAL DESTINATION franchises were out of steam and ready to be put out to pasture but both FINAL DESTINATION: BLOODLINES and PREDATOR: BADLANDS somehow become the most successful and critically lauded of their respective series. Instead of dusting off the usual playbook and attempting to mimic the past, both entries focused on fresh environments, deepening characterization and diligently crafting interpersonal relationships worthy of caring about. The end result was two thrilling, audience pleasing juggernauts that respected the past (Tony Todd’s final appearance in BLOODLINES was pure gold) while paving the way toward a future with limitless possibilities.

Like most horror fans I’ve long enjoyed Guillermo Del Toro’s dark aesthetic and stalwart commitment to the horror genre but I’ve kind of gotten used to him leaving me wanting a little bit more. Finally, (and with a perfect cast) he delivered on all fronts with his vision of FRANKENSTEIN, a beautiful looking and shockingly emotionally satisfying take on Mary Shelley's classic tale.

What a banner year for a dyed in the wool ‘80s slasher horror fan like myself. I was so smitten with Josh Ruben’s HEART EYES that I had to see it in the theater twice. It’s not every day you get a slash-a-thon so perfectly married to a romantic comedy and even more rare was its stars (Olivia Holt & Mason Gooding) sharp comedic timing and genuine romantic chemistry.

It doesn’t get more ‘80s than BLACK PHONE 2. Scott (SINISTER) Derrickson did us all a true solid by scrambling together working elements of his 2021 hit, THE BLACK PHONE and plunging them into an icy realm of supernatural surrealism akin to the THE NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series. Even better, his bleak, chillingly otherworldly canvas is occupied by some easy to root for sibling characters (Mason Thames & Madeline McGraw) and an always alarmingly freaky antagonist (Ethan Hawk).

On a lesser note, HELL OF A SUMMER was disappointingly bloodless but at least dispensed some potent ‘80s summer slasher vibes and an amusing comic performance by Fred Hechinger (The FEAR STREET trilogy). CLOWN IN A CORNFIELD’s "Friendo" mask design was a bit generic (possibly the point) and a tad too unthreatening (especially considering contemporary killer clown activity) but it delivered some genuinely surprising twists and an exceptional performance by the always reliable Kevin Durand (ABIGAIL, KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES).

“Feel bad” horror was everywhere this year and as much as I appreciated the artistry involved I definitely felt like forwarding therapy bills to a few culprits that beat me up psychologically and dumped me on the side of the road. 25 YEARS LATER was deliciously weird and unsuspected but was no slouch in the department of agitating parental loss grief and THE LONG WALK’s bleak and hopeless examination of abuse of power and the exploitation of the vulnerable resembled my daily doom-scrolling a little to much for my comfort. Michael & Danny Philippou's excellent BRING HER BACK through brilliant and boasting (perhaps too) convincing performances (looking at you Sally Hawkins) made me pretty much want to jump off the nearest bridge & had me in a depressed chokehold for days.

I’m seeing both UNTIL DAWN and the I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER revamp on many a “Worst of the Year” list which is isn’t too surprising but it’s not going to stop yours truly from defending both. UNTIL DAWN, for better or worse, ignores its video game source material and it is admittedly unfocused and over the place but it still delivers a gruesome, lively time. I personally dig its CABIN IN THE WOODS meets TOURIST TRAP set-up, its likable enough young cast and its overall slick, early 2000’s DARK CASTLE (I’m thinking of THIRTEEN GHOSTS particularly) vibes. It sometimes feels more like a collage of half baked ideas rather than an actual film but it moves along at a good pace and its got some highly memorable kills (last time I laughed so hard at people exploding I was watching SCTV’S “Farm- Film Celebrity Blow-up”).

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER may be a bloated, sometimes sloppy mess but it delivers on the slashing front, has genuine affection for the previous films in the franchise, and takes real risks with its legacy characters. It’s hard to tell how much of the campy hysterics were meant to be funny but it's hilarious just the same and if nothing else, provides not one but two of the best surprise cameos to ever grace the screen. As silly and disposable as these two films may be they’re dumb fun keepers in my book that I’ve already revisited & enjoyed again.

Aw, and why is everyone so harsh and dismissive of THE CONJURING: LAST RITES? I get that it’s not on par with the first two films but it’s better than the third and I think it’s always a privilege to hang with horror’s greatest parental units, The Warrens as portrayed by charisma tsunamis Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson. O.K., the spinning mirror was kinda lame but the eighties tunes (particularly Romeo Void) made it all worthwhile and copacetic.

On the other hand, I’ve seen TOGETHER listed on several best of the year lists and I’ve gotta say it really didn’t work for me at all. Maybe I was in a mood the day I saw it but it just seemed like a rather smug, sluggish, by-the-numbers codependent body horror tale that offered zero surprises and rather unlikable characters. One positive thing I can say about it though, is that at least its not as disappointing as MEGAN 2.O, or THE WOLF MAN. I had much, much, higher expectations for those two and now I just want to pretend they don’t exist. In the on the fence middle ground lies Osgood Perkin’s loose adaption of Stephen King’s THE MONKEY which starts off strong and wonderfully weird but eventually betrays its well earned creepy tone. I’m all for the blackest of humor but this particular punch drunk chimp gets a little too silly and downright Wile E. Coyote cartoonish for his own good.

As far as surprises out of nowhere go, I’ve got to hand it to Tubi Original MATCH, a great, gross, gooey monster movie throwback. I also stan Steven Sodenberg’s quiet haunter THE PRESENCE whose voyeuristic ghost-view take on a traditional haunted house tale gets under the skin. Its thoughtful surprisingly tragic final twist stayed with me long after the film was over.

How’s about some Horror Television? With the eight part series WELCOME TO DERRY, Andy Muschietti not only outdid his own theatrical interpretations of Stephen King’s classic novel IT, he may have outdid the master himself. There’s an ongoing joke that King (who has acknowledge the criticism himself) on occasion has difficulty coming up with satisfying conclusions to his work. As someone who finished a re-read of the book IT on the same day that the final episode of DERRY aired, I can confirm that IT’s finale (especially that infamously disturbing scene) pales when compared to the near-religious experience that DERRY delivers. Gotta give the horror master author infinite credit for supplying the sand box but Muschietti pretty much pulled off the impossible by supplying not only the scares and world building that was expected, but an emotional power punch of sterling rarity.

ALIEN EARTH got off to an exciting and fascinating start that culminated in a fifth episode (“In Space No One…”) so riveting that it rivaled the best of the theatrical series. Unfortunately that’s where it peaked and in what seemed like a stubborn attempt to thwart audience expectations, it limped toward a truly ho-hum climax that easily could have been outstanding if they’d only taken the more obvious and cathartic path. It’s been picked up for a second season, and I’ll definitely be tuning in again (If only for breakout star T. Ocellus), so here’s hoping in the future they don’t make the same easily avoidable mistake twice.

It’s a wrap on STRANGER THINGS and not a moment too soon. I suppose the last thing the internet needs is yet another critique of the final season so I’ll just quickly concur with all those who note that the writing was subpar, perplexing and wildly inconsistent. I will admit to enjoying spending time with (most of) the characters again and appreciating the wise advice delivered by Hopper that when faced with choosing between the roads of stalling bitterness and mobile acceptance, it’s always best to go with the latter. That’s pretty much exactly the words of wisdom I needed going into 2026! Happy New Year to all (and especially lil' T. Ocellus)!

Dark fantasy horror meister Guillermo del Toro’s epic dream project FRANKENSTEIN is a glorious sight to behold. It’s got the lush goth visuals you’d expect (on par with Coppola’s BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA ('92) and Robert Eggers’ recent NOSFERATU) and easily stands as the freshest and most earnest modern take on Mary Shelley’s classic novel in memory (the less said about Keneth Branagh’s 1994 misfire the better). Besides having a genuine heartfelt love and understanding of the material, what del Toro really nails here is the fine art of flawless casting. Oscar Isaac as Victor Frankenstein is exemplary and is basically born to play a mad scientist ( sorry for the nerdy aside but Disney needs to do a remake of THE BLACK HOLE (’79) pronto and pay Isaac anything he wants to portray Dr Hans Reinhart) and Jacob Elordi is such an inspired choice to play the skulking, otherworldly, monstrous yet beguiling creature. And of course, as the emotional, ethereal sympathetic heart of the tale, Mia Goth is a no-brainer whose name alone basically underlines her automatic invite to the party. Heck, even Christoph Waltz seems to have sprouted organically out of the stunning sets. There’s enough liberties taken to keep things interesting, and enough loving salutes to honor the timelessness of the work and it’s just a fine piece of art and possibly the best thing del Toro has done (barring possibly PAN’S LABYRINTH; I’m kinda shruggy on SHAPE OF WATER and I saw DEVIL’S BACKBONE in a theater with no air-conditioning and I’m still grouchy about it). Here’s hoping his long gestating adaption of H. P. LOVECRAFT’s SHADOW OVER INNSMOUTH is not far behind.

I noticed Tubi original MATCH getting some positive feedback online but didn’t take it seriously until I saw it was directed by Danishka Esterhazy who delivered the surprisingly good SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (2021) remake and the more amusing than expected THE BANANA SPLITS MOVIE (2019). I’m glad I checked it out and I’d like to spoil something for anyone who might be sitting on the fence about giving it a go. MATCH, which has the set up of a “date from hell” movie is also secretly a mutant monster movie in the same vein as my eighties faves THE FUNHOUSE (’81), THE UNSEEN (’81) and HUMONGOUS (’82). I give that semi-spoiler fact away because I know I would have run to the flick a lot sooner if I myself had known that. MATCH is pretty gross, kinda nauseating, semi-sleazy, hard to swallow, borderline ridiculous and downright agitating at times (due to a wide array of bad decisions made by its frustrating characters) but it's also a highly entertaining grindhouse throwback with some goofy, off the wall BARBARIAN (2022)-like charm. You might want to bring a barf bag but you could certainly do a lot worse and the Tubi price of zero dollars is impossible to beat.

Dan Trachtenberg injected much needed new life into the PREDATOR franchise in 2022 with the outstanding PREY, continued his upgrading with the animated PREDATOR: KILLER OF KILLERS earlier this year and has now somehow raised the bar even higher with PREDATOR BADLANDS. This wild world building sci-fi horror hybrid offers all the kinetic action and pulse pounding suspense of Jon McTiernan’s 1987 classic and then ices the fresh take cake with characters that grow and deepen, wondrous vistas and habitation never witnessed before, amiable humor and gratifying comradery. Baked right in are meaningful themes regarding the value of chosen family, the power of rejecting inherited identity, the advantage of cooperation over division, and it's all tied with a bow of earned honor, redemption and self fulfillment. I’m guessing not everyone is going to go along with the franchise’s newfound sense of soul and willful leaning toward the benefits of empathy but for me, this too scarce element takes an already entertaining series and makes it all the richer and more satisfying.

Dimitrius koloamatangi portrays Dek, a broken fang-faced black sheep Yautja who is fierce as hell and yet still hasn’t earned his stripes according to his ruthless, code obsessed clan. In order to prove his meddle, he goes on a WIZARD OF OZ-like journey to an eye-popping, perilous planet in search of an indomitable trophy and in a nutshell, reluctantly learns that the real trophy is the legless synthetics, bug eyed hobgoblins and helpful shoulder space eels we meet along the way. Elle Fanning is ditzy discarded rag doll perfection as abandoned Weyland Yutoni skin job "Thei" whose knowledge of the surroundings Dek uses as a “tool” and whose rose-colored misconception of her missing allies nearly leads to their ruin. It’s incredible how much expression (both determined and exasperated) Koloamatangi is able to convey through his crustacean visage and Fanning is an ideal idealistic comic foil yin to his stringent Yautja yang. It is said there are exactly zero human characters in this movie and boy, did I not miss them one bit. I also heard that some fans were opposed to the movies PG-13 rating and I have to say, I never even thought about or noticed that. It seemed plenty violent and gore strewn to me.

No matter how you slice and dice it, Trachtenberg is heroically saving the long running series from chasing its own tail in circles and broadening it in commendable ways few could have ever predicted. Here’s hoping Dek, Thia and company have many more adventures ahead and you can count me to gleefully follow them wherever they may go.