











your happy childhood ends here!

I totally relate to Miriam Blaylock (CATHERINE DENEUVE) in THE HUNGER. How many times has someone told me that they will love me "forever" only to transform into something resembling the contents of an ashtray a mere 200 years later? Speaking of ashtrays, if you're trying to quit smoking (or Venetian blinds for that matter) I advise you stay well away from TONY (brother to ALIEN mega-genius RIDLEY) SCOTT's neo-noir, gothadelic new wave eye-sorbet rendering of WHITLEY STRIEBER's novel of the same tag. On the other hand, if you are a fang-fan who has never stuck their teeth into this influential a-vamp-garde chic-er-than-thou milestone then take a gander in the mirror at a life half lived.

When it was released in 1983 the brain dead zombie critic chant was, "Style over substance"! Seriously, I just read a slew of reviews for this classic and nine out of ten drop the exact same go-to complaint. Lazy viewers! If a film is kind enough to ladle out the "style" then the least you can do is bring your own "substance." Just because a movie is drop dead gorgeous doesn't mean it's empty headed. C'mon, this is one of the few vamp movies that actually dives into a major source of the lasting power of the undead mythos, the universal fear of mortality and liver spots. If you want to say it kind of falls apart at the end, I'll back you up on that but time has proven that this baby's bite leaves a legit mark.

As much as I'll admit that the films final chapter is a tinge too dry and flaky (blame the crunchy past-love corpses!) THE HUNGER's divinely aggressive opening is one of the most fantastic and instantly enthralling I can think of, so let's not be greedy. If you are not instantly snookered by BAUHAUS' severely apropos BELA LUGOSI'S DEAD then you too must be a dried husk in a coffin waiting for oblivion to commence and that's coming from somebody with no black clothing in his wardrobe. It's not just the song itself, but the way the film thunders back and forth between the tune, the titles and the revving action and synth-sorcerous sounds of the film… OK, I admit I used to play this opening bit on VHS over and over again and now every beat of it is branded into my brain…

Much slobbery attention has been given to the semi-sappy Sapphic love scene between CATHERINE DENEVUE and SUSAN SARANDON and it is attention well earned. Anyone can present a cinematic montage that pushes the validity of a homosexual union but this assemblage of images presses the feared superiority of one. Y'all can keep your FROM HERE TO ETERNITY and the sand in the cracks it implies; if you're not hearing "lakme" while you're sealing the deal you're doing it wrong. I know it's "artsy fartsy" and therefore threatening to knuckle draggers and mouth breathers everywhere but it's also lusciously transcendent. I say kick RICHARD GERE off the fire escape, if any genre is brave enough to venture into the romantically sublime, my money will always be on horror and THE HUNGER is my proof that I'm backing the right pony.

Personally my pet favorite scene involves noted gender annihilator DAVID BOWIE enacting an episode from everybody's life in a doctor's waiting room. Realizing the old gray mare just ain't what she used to be and she ain't what she used to be at an alarming rate, he seeks out the advice of accelerated decrepitude specialist Dr. Sarah Roberts (SARANDON…and yes that was a BLADE RUNNER shout out! He ain't heavy, he's my RIDLEY!). Magazines are their usual zero help as the clock ticks and he is hit over and over again on the head with DICK SMITH's famous LITTLE BIG MAN stick. The set up is excruciatingly familiar yet horrifically exaggerated and there's a vaguely comic, "It's funny because it's true" element as well. Oh TONY SCOTT you were so very good when you tried to replicate your brother RIDLEY! I usually recommend that artists find their own voice but in your case I'll make an exception. (OK, that wasn't necessary,, but it will surprise no one that I have no use for TOP GUN.)

I love THE HUNGER, smoky SCOTT-isms and RIDLEY-aping aside, it ultimately stands as its own sleek beast. It may loose some steam in its final lap but as it is only too happy to point out, don't we all. I have an inkling that it might be dated but as my head exists in 1982, it is actually one year in the future for me. There's style to burn for sure but behind the non-stop artifice and unlikely attic doves, I contend there's plenty of existential gristle to gnaw on and a time to pay the piper addiction parable too. Just because this sculpture wasn't carved with axe blows don't underestimate the boiled down bleakness to be found bubbling beneath the polished surface. Oldster BOWIE's bloodletting of a trusting, young gum-smacking sidekick is alarmingly vicious and disturbing and, conscious or not, the films screeching death-throe lab monkeys and post-tryst, flesh betrayal must have squeezed lemon juice on the then fresh rug-burn knowledge that cupid could carry a scythe. THE HUNGER is only speaking of the fleetingness of human life after all. Don't be fooled by a pretty face.





UNK SEZ: We're lucky to have as guest host today the always amazing TENEBROUS KATE of the sensationally superior and awesomely eclectic LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE! You guys know KATE, she's been a favorite guest around these parts since back in the days when the Kindercastle was a mere lean-to! Ya'll listen to KATE's advice, I know I've already started work on her fine recommendations!

TENEBROUS KATE SEZ: One's movie diet should be approached in a similar fashion to one's diet-actual: strike a balance of sweet, savory, and nutritious in order to cultivate a healthy appreciation for all things cinematic. It's in this spirit that I've selected the following films. Also, it demonstrates that I have next to no respect for rules, since there are six titles here instead of the traditional three!

RED RIDING TRILOGY: 1974, 1980, 1983
These British crime dramas are as gritty, dark and captivating as they come. Spanning a decade of serial murder, police corruption, and political turmoil in England's northern countryside, the "Red Riding Trilogy" weaves in real-life events like the Yorkshire Ripper killings with fictional but entirely believable characters. This is chilling stuff that provides some tough commentary on the people who investigate and perpetrate crimes. The series earns bonus points for beautiful production values and artistic cinematography that enhance the noir-ish mood.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: POD PEOPLE
If you've watched all five hours of the "Red Riding, Trilogy" you're probably looking for a bit of a mood-lifter! What better way to wash away the gloom than with a good laugh at the foibles of low-budget sci-fi? The teevee show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is controversial in cult-film circles since some folks feel that its snarky commentary track ruins the joy of exploring little-known genre films. I can see where the nay-sayers are coming from, but I will testify that some of these movies are almost unwatchable without Joel, Mike and the ‘Bots. My fave episode of the show is "Pod People," which features a Spanish-French "E.T." knock-off with a whiny child star, hillbilly poachers, an ALF-like alien creature, be-fringed 80s fashion and a wayward rock band stranded in the woods. If you don't laugh when Joel and his puppet companions sing "Idiot Control Now" to the tune of the movie's feature song, then I weep for your barren, stony heart.

BLOOD FOR DRACULA & FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN
While not related by the traditional movie-sequel relationship, "Blood for Dracula" and"Flesh for Frankenstein" were made back-to-back by director Paul Morrissey and feature the same cast members. Often mis-attributed to financier Andy Warhol, these are the most off-the-wall, graphic, and witty versions of the classic monster tales you're likely to see. Genre vet Udo Kier stars as the titular villain of both films, delivering outrageous and semi-improvised performances as the vampire and the mad scientist. The heavy in both films is a muscular, virile working-class character played by Joe Dallesandro, who has one of the thickest Noo Yawk accents recorded on film, making his turns as Mittel European farm-hunks even more unlikely. Look close enough and you'll find some clever political subtext about class, wealth, and culture—or ignore all that and enjoy the infinitely quotable, blood-soaked mayhem. And just in case you question the art pedigree of these movies, keep your eyes peeled for a cameo by director Roman Polanski in "Blood for Dracula."



UNK SEZ: We've got some deliciously challenging screenshots today thanks to our devious pal CRAFTY CAROL of CRAFTYPANTS CAROL'S FANCY CRAFTY WORLD! Two of these are from horror parodies, so keep that in mind. Otherwise, good luck kiddies! You've got 12 chewy images to dine on today!














I try to ignore box office reports. It's not as if they are any indication of quality and I know full well that my tastes don't match up with that of the general public's anyway. I say that not out of reverse snobbery, but as someone who has watched many a great movie fizzle and starve at the box office only to become everybody's BFF later. In any case, the fumes from DRIVE ANGRY's theatrical crash and burn were hard for me to ignore. The movie, by the fine folks who delivered me my pet fave slasher remake MY BLOODY VALENTINE, came in a pathetically lousy ninth place in its opening weekend and somehow shamefully behind a week-old BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE sequel. Ouch!
Because the movie involved cars I thought I might ignore it completely, but it's stunning failure ignited my vulture instincts. I knew I had to see DRIVE ANGRY partially to throw 12 dollars into the director and writer's hat out of respect for making me so happy with VALENTINE and partially because I wanted to perch and stare at it like one of those creepy death predicting hospital cats. Unsurprisingly I totally ended up enjoying the semi-insane movie as director PATRICK LUSSIER and writer TODD FARMER really do have a quality collaborative relationship going on and again, this is coming from somebody who thinks cars have ruined the world and should be replaced by moving sidewalks and jet-packs as soon as possible.
Some may think that a major factor in the movie's financial failure is the fact that audiences are frightened of being trapped in a theater with NICOLAS CAGE but have you seen BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL-NEW ORLEANS? It's so damn good. I'm here to point the finger directly at the wishy-washy T.V. ad campaign that neglected to alert the proper audience to what was really going down in this flick. For some reason some goofy person decided to hide the fact that this movie involved a rampaging Satanic cult and that my friends is just dumb. Somebody should be fired immediately and his or her job should be handed to me. My Chauncey Gardiner insights could have saved millions of dollars. Nobody should ever be ashamed of rampaging Satanists and nobody should ever have to rely on my pity to get me to the theater!

Oh poor misunderstood DRIVE ANGRY, its schlocky charms and cheesy tomfoolery are easily misread as genuine hackneyed incompetence but it's clearly winking and nudging the audience about the joys of exploitation at every turn. Folks who suffer from 3-D fatigue should recognize that director LUSSIER uses the effect to enhance the action rather than as an empty garnish. He knows what he's doing and the end result expands the landscape rather than producing that dreaded cramped diorama effect. Writer FARMER has sculpted some wonderfully wacked-out characters too, characters that I'm sad the audience will unlikely have the chance to follow to further adventures. CAGE as Milton dips his rakish vengeance in paternal redemption; AMBER HEARD is a bucket of charm as the kick-ass waitress sick of waiting for life to start and WILLIAM FICHTNER nearly runs away with the entire film as "The Accountant," a scene-swiping soldier from hell. There's some TOM ATKINS too, maybe not enough to fill my gluttonous ATKINS diet, but every little bit helps.

I guess it's too late to rally and stop this Titanic from sinking. Lead balloon or not I'm destined to prefer DRIVE ANGRY to the films whose trailers preceded it which will undoubtedly all be much bigger hit$ even though most of them looked like intolerably boring GYLLENHAAL-infused INCEPTION retreads. I feel that it is my duty to tell you though that if you enjoy super trashy action or seventies era road movies or anything that remotely resembles the great RACE WITH THE DEVIL, you'll probably love this movie and if you want to see it properly with the ingrained 3-D effects intact then you have to do it quickly before it disappears. In the long run, box office success won't mean much as I believe the cream will always rise to the top but I doubt there will be much cream in our future if we don't support the filmmakers we enjoy now. The driving force of DRIVE ANGRY is its original offbeat Devil may-bite-me personality and it's a real shame that that was exactly the selling point left by the side of the road in its advertising campaign's attempt to appeal to a wider audience. Let this be a lesson to everyone; don't hide your rampaging Satanic-cult light under a bushel!


I've been digging for shells in the sands of Netflix Streaming for a while now and I must have passed this title by countless times. I would accuse myself of judging a book by its cover but how can I judge something when it doesn't even register on my radar? The little poster avatar for ISOLATION may as well have been a generic can of corn in a supermarket aisle as far as I was concerned. Furthermore, the word "isolation" does not instill horror in my heart; it makes me think of a nice window seat and a telephone happily off the hook. Thank God for readers like Lee W., there I was about to call it a night recently when I got an email informing me that ISOLATION regardless of poor poster art, bland title or crazy cow-centric synopsis was something I might enjoy. So I stayed up and watched it and Lee W. was absolutely right.

Coincidentally, the next day I read THIS POST over at Fearnet by DREW DAYWALT lamenting the recent scourge of heart in the wrong zip code horror. It got me thinking; what was it about ISOLATION that set it apart from the "why bother?" horror movies skulking about sucking up space? Without revealing too many details, here are a few of the elements that made it work for me:

STORY/PLOT:
There's nothing new under the sun going on here, but that doesn't mean that a horror film can't have its own unique voice. I may have seen some elements of ISOLATION before but I have not seen them handled quite the same way. There is a big difference between being influenced by something and direct thievery, but as a viewer it's the end results I'm most interested in. I say feel free to "borrow" if you use the borrowed goods as a springboard to someplace new. If you're borrowing simply because you have nothing to say then don't say anything at all. Parts of ISOLATION feel lifted from ALIEN or THE THING but they are starting points rather than dead ends and really, can you think of two better films to tip your slimy hat to?

CHARACTERS:
Popular theory is that the more you like a character, the more you care about what happens to them but I'm not sure I need to like a character at all. What I do need is an understanding of their motivations and why they do the things they do. I don't have to want to invite them out to lunch in order to feel something for them but if you want to really involve me in their experiences, they need to come across as more than just meat props. I may not "like" all the characters in ISOLATION (mostly I do, especially its two leads JOHN LYNCH and RUTH NEGGA) but they all made sense to me and I didn't think that any of them existed as mere chess pieces or monster fodder.

LOCATION:
A desolate farm in Ireland may not seem like the go-to location for a horror movie but in ISOLATION, it is milked (no pun intended) for all that it is worth. If you want to send the viewer to the place your film inhabits take the time to show them around. Location may seem incidental but I defy anyone to come up with a classic successful horror film that does not fully take advantage of its whereabouts. Think of HALLOWEEN, by all rights suburbia should be the dullest locale on Earth but in JOHN CARPENTER's hands, the streets of Haddonfield become a shadowy dungeon like labyrinth. ISOLATION makes a point of setting the stage first and the horror that follows is all the better for it.

DIRECTION:
Film is a medium that can be manipulated a zillion ways in order to elicit an emotional response. Why do so many filmmakers seem content simply turning the camera on and blankly recording the action? Editing, lighting and sound should all be equally considered. ISOLATION has several well-orchestrated scenes where the director makes clear choices in an effort to be effective. I'm not saying it always works but simply witnessing the intention sends me half way to where I need to go. In other words, there is significance to what you are shown in this movie and how you are shown it and I never felt that I was being subjected to random filler.

I'm not calling ISOLATION the second coming but it deserves some recognition for at least trying to be a good horror movie rather than simply a pandering waste of space vanity badge for its creator. Whether it works or not for you, ISOLATION at least respects you enough to attempt to deliver actual fear instead of trying to impress you with empty cred-casting and a bushel of D-cups. I found myself completely submerged in the action and wishing I felt that way more often with other horror films.

IN CLOSE:
So yes, allow me to offer you the same courtesy that Lee W. offered me by recommending ISOLATION as a highly worthwhile watch that will probably surprise you. I've made an effort not to give too much away or to praise it to a degree that it can't live up to. If you end up enjoying it as much as myself and Lee W. did then for Pete's sake tell as many people as you can about it. There's a part of me that just gets mad that a movie like this can get lost in the shuffle while most horror sites are reporting the most minuscule tidbits of non information about already over hyped films on a daily basis. If you end up NOT digging ISOLATION that's fine too, just promise me that when and if you do see something that impresses you that you make sure others know! I can't stand that I almost missed this movie! Lee W., I owe ya' one!



UNK SEZ: While I was cleaning up the aftermath of the weekend-long CHRISTOPHER GEORGE celebration that took place at Kindertrauma Castle, I discovered our dear pal AMANDA BY NIGHT under a glass coffee table as if reenacting a scene from SIXTEEN CANDLES! Besides the fact that she had somewhere along the lines lost the blonde wig of her LYNDA DAY GEORGE as Mary Riggs from PIECES costume (which was basically a tennis outfit with the word "Bastard!" embroidered on the front), she looked none the worse for wear. As I still have an escaped grizzly bear to catch, I asked Amanda if she would mind hosting today's episode of Stream Warriors and she was only too happy to oblige. Thanks for your help Amanda! Now all I need to do is find a jar of honey and a net…

COCAINE: ONE MAN'S SEDUCTION
Dennis Weaver, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways… besides starring in one of the best (and arguably most famous) made for TV movies DUEL, Dennis also lent his extraordinary (and sometimes un-excusably over the top) presence to such films as DON'T GO TO SLEEP and this crazy tale about a middle aged man's struggle with the blow, which originally aired on February 27th, 1983 on NBC. I adore this movie, and I also think it typifies why the little world of '70s and '80s TV movies was so awesome. I wrote a paper once (mostly for fun, 'cuz I am a nerd) about how for those of us who were either too young or just unable to experience the grindhouse circuit, the tele-film was a good look at the world of sordid B-movies… even if it was a sanitized version of those films. Many folks got their first taste of horror and sleaze through rose colored glasses, but it created a passion. And even if that all seems like hooey-bluey to you, you simply have to see this movie for Weaver's intense and hilarious freak-outs. Also it's pretty awesome when he gets high with Pamela Bellwood and is all, "The earth is round, man." OK, he doesn't say that, but I swear he wanted to. You can watch Cocaine: One Man's Seduction on Netflix.

TERROR AT LONDON BRIDGE (BRIDGE ACROSS TIME)
While not as wild as the goofy premise would lead one to believe, this movie is still a ton of fun. David Hasselhoff plays a big-city-police-officer-gone-small-town-cop who downsizes to idyllic (but friggin' hot) Lake Havasu where, as a twist of fate would have it, the infamous London Bridge resides. True story – some entrepreneurial type had the British bridge moved to Arizona to create a tourist attraction. Not true story – in the movie Jack the Ripper falls off the bridge to his supposed death, but is able to resurrect himself in Arizona, where he continues his killing spree. Wow! I told you it was wild. The whole affair is completely straight faced, and a fairly successful little horror film. Adrienne Barbeau is great as the hot to trot librarian with enormous shoulder pads (yay 80s!) and Clu Gulager and Randolph Mantooth put in some time as Hoff's fellow cops. Stepfanie Kramer (and yes, that's how you spell her name) is Hasselfhoff's potential love interest and both leads are really good. Say what you will about the Hoff, but he's got charisma for days. He's really good in this movie which originally aired on November 22nd, 1985 on NBC, and I think the cast and the dramatic approach make Bridge one interesting movie, if not completely Hoff-tastic! You can read my whole review at RETRO SLASHERS and you can watch the whole movie at HULU.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: MARRIED PART 1 & 2
I don't mean to quote Magnum P.I., but I know what you're thinking… you're thinking this is simply the INCREDIBLE HULK episodes that we all remember from childhood. While most of you probably recall David Banner's tragic love affair with the ill-fated Dr. Caroline Fields (Mariette Hartley), there is one scene in particular that created one of my most intense kindertraumas. Towards the beginning of the second part, Dr. Fields ends up at the house of some swinging studly dudes. They get a little aggressive and somehow lovelorn David gets in the way… and gets really mad. He Hulk-ifies himself and then he pushes one of the guys across the room. It's a comedic moment because the hurled stud in question flies to the other side of the room sans toupee. Well, when I was a wee Amanda By Night I thought the Hulk basically scalped this poor guy and it took everything in me not to run out of the room screaming. Watching the stud loses his machismo made me think the Hulk was the meanest man-thing on the planet and it was the very last episode of the series I watched until about 2 years ago. Even then, I was ready to pull the sheets up over my eyes, because that Hulk guy scares me! Luckily, I now find that scene amusing. And yes, this episode, which originally aired as a two hour epic to open the second season in 1978, captures the extremely tragic nature of Bruce's character. This guy just could not catch a break. Oh, and for the record, I've seen Lou Ferrigno in person. He's kind of hot and not scary at all. Just thought you should know… You can start with PART ONE on HULU. And here's PART TWO.


Today's Funhouse will be a breeze because all of the images poised for identification have one amazing thing in common, they all involve CHRISTOPHER GEORGE! That is because today is the day that CHRISTOPHER GEORGE was born and we'll be celebrating that fact all day. I can't host a party this big alone so I asked our local CHRISTOPHER GEORGE expert Amanda Reyes of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM to join me. In fact, if you want to learn more about the man, the myth, and the legend you can allow Amanda to school ya' some HERE!
Can you name the CHRISTOPHER GEORGE classics below? If not, feel free to leave a comment about your warmest CHRISTOPHER GEORGE memory instead. Good luck and Happy CHRISTOPHER GEORGE Day!









Children's' heads are usually force fed saccharine gruel by funnel. The process resembles teaching ducks to grow up to be foie gras. That's why I've always loved ALICE IN WONDERLAND. For a book aimed at malleable brains it is deliciously dark and strange. Imagine WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS writing for Highlights Magazine in a psychedelic beanie. Alice's encounters mirror a universal part of adolescence when one is trying to decipher their new surroundings and every question is met with nonsensical answers. What child can't relate to the feeling of being indoctrinated into a world of seemingly random (forks on the left, spoons on the right) protocol? ALICE does more than grab the reader by the hand and tour them through a colorful landscape, it slyly teaches them how to spot the absurdity in their own world as well.

For fans of WONDERLAND, DREAMCHILD is really a must see. It focuses on the twilight of the woman who once inspired the tale as she travels to New York for a celebration of the work and life of its author. Some of the movie is as dainty as a doily, which makes its multiple plunges into near ELM STREET territory all the more disturbing. It's like having tea with DAME JUDI DENCH and then she suddenly leans into reveal, "I'm tripping my balls off."

Who is to say how accurate any of the flashbacks are but as the eighty-year old Alice Hargreaves is jolted with lightening blast recollections of her youth, we get a glimpse into her vaguely creepy relationship with the man she theoretically inspired. As played by IAN HOLM (ALIEN, THE SWEET HEREAFTER) Reverend Charles L. Dobson (also known as Lewis Carroll) is at turns off-putting and sympathetic. Plagued by a speech impediment and awkward social skills, one wonders if his fascination with the young quizzical child was merely a coveting of the normalcy she had to look forward to in life. Much speculation is made about the true catalyst behind CARROLL's work, but here he is presented as a sort of shadowy Jaberwocky himself until elderly Alice comes to terms with her memories and is able to separate herself from her more famous fictional identity.
Whatever. As much as I love my homie HOLM there is literally nothing in this movie that is not utterly and completely upstaged by the fucking incredible creations by JIM HENSON's creature shop. Don't get me wrong, there is a very sweet, finely done drama going on here (written by DENNIS POTTER no less) but if you're a brat like me you'll only pretend to care whether the old lady gets her act together before kicking the bucket just so you can get a glimpse of the incredibly monstrous and borderline hideous denizens of wonderland that KRUEGER-stalk her psyche. If you want to learn about the real Alice Hargreave, go to the library or better yet Google the lady. Instead, I'm going to stare at these incredible images from DREAMCHILD…





NOTE: If you want to check out this barrel of awesome get thee to Netflix Streaming. It has never been released on DVD and the VHS looks like crap. I like this movie a great deal but I have no option but to remove seventy hundred groovy points for not inviting the Chesire Cat to the party.


There's something wrong with me. I'm starting to put the pieces together and it doesn't look good. Me and Aunt John were both under the weather so we decided to indulge ourselves by watching a "Premium" movie via On-Demand. Yes, we felt so sick that shelling out six dollars to watch a movie was the only way we could think of to feel better. We decided on INCEPTION because how can you go wrong with fancy eye-popping special effects and a near unanimous approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes?
About half an hour into INCEPTION I realized that I do not experience things necessarily the same way others do. Maybe it was because I was sick but I began to notice that I thought INCEPTION was the most annoying thing in the world. If you love INCEPTION don't get mad at me. I'm not saying you are wrong, in fact, most of the world is in agreement with your assessment, it's just that for me I'd rather eat a bag of pennies than ever experience it again. I swear I tried, I really tried but the voice in my head said "no."

The voice in my head sounds like the result of an unholy union between Jan Brady and Gollum from LORD OF THE RINGS. It will not be ignored. Throughout INCEPTION it kept asking questions that I had no answers for. "Why do these characters explain everything before they do it?" "Didn't I just see DiCAPRIO playing a man who is kept from his cherubic children by a "crazy" wife in SHUTTER ISLAND?" "When JUNO does that VANNA WHITE thing in front of a scale model during a montage is that meant to indicate her knowledge of said model?" "Did the same person cast this as BUGSY MALONE?" "Why does this feel like I'm playing the video game SYPHON FILTER with someone who is bogarting the joystick?" "Are there any special effects in this that I did NOT see in the trailer?" and so forth.
All in all I did not enjoy INCEPTION unless you count the part where it ceased. John (who did enjoy it somewhat) went to bed and so I decided to watch the anthology horror SCREAMTIME to cleanse my mental palette and here is the weird thing, the thing that makes me think there is something wrong with me. It turns out that for all intents and purposes something in my soul informs me that I think SCREAMTIME is a way better movie than INCEPTION. I know it's not right but there it is; a simple fact that I can't deny. I know I'm comparing Apple Jacks and Orange Julius but just go with it. I've gone too far to turn back now.
Truth told SCREAMTIME, which is barely a movie as it consists of three independently made shorts encased in the flimsiest of wraparound stories ever created, has several elements that no billion dollar budgeted Hollywood movie could ever compete with and those elements would be…

A scene that takes place in an ‘80s video store. No special effect could ever compete with the jaw droppy wonder of this incredible sight….

A Punch puppet that beats people who deserve it with a wooden plank.

This weird lady.

A scary killer guy who I actually find scary.

And most incredibly an army of garden gnomes that come alive and then are played by little people who attack characters by jumping on their backs.

And also these old ladies.
So really it's not much of a competition INCEPTION. The only thing close to a garden gnome that you have to offer is JUNO and that just won't do on account of she doesn't wear suspenders. So maybe there actually is something wrong with me. Somehow I was born into a universe where most of the population believes the opposite of what I know to be true. In my mind SCREAMTIME (which, by the by, is available for free on Netflix streaming) is ten times more entertaining than INCEPTION could ever hope to be. There I said it. I am fully prepared for further ostracizing than I already receive. As long as deadly garden gnomes encircle me, I am impervious to scorn.

