Author: unkle lancifer

2003's WRONG TURN may have not set the world on fire, but for many horror fans it was a welcome return to grittier, gorier terrain after years of clean cut thrills. Mere months after it exited theaters, the TEXAS CHAINSAW reboot would sweep in to gather all the glory, but for those fortunate enough to catch it during its poorly advertised run, WRONG TURN was the first sign that the hills were no longer alive with the sound of muzak. Home video caught stragglers up to speed and by the time WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END was delivered in 2007, a welcoming audience was waiting for a second course.

What horror fans could not possibly be prepared for was the fact that WT2, a straight to DVD venture starring HENRY ROLLINS and involving a phony reality show was (holy crap) actually pretty awesome. Whatever drop in quality there may have been from the first film was made up for with shear ingenuity, buckets of blood and a too rare awareness of what makes a horror film fun. Suddenly from a theatrical film that barely made a dent, it looked like a worthwhile series could be forming…

Well, there's a bit of a roadblock now in the WRONG TURN franchise and it's called WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD. Unless it was solely created to point out just how rare a treat PART 2 was, PART 3 of WRONG TURN fails wildly. After a lively opening scene that had me wishing that those handling the reigns of the FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise were watching and taking notes, it's pretty much a downhill downer whose mantra seems to be, "Less, less, less!" Let me tell ya' something DECLAN O'BRIEN, director of WRONG TURN 3, if you can't keep yours truly's attention with a bus load of burly escaped convicts then there's more than one mentally handicapped mutant in them there woods (the other would be you). Geez, if I have to see another movie where constant bickering and bellyaching passes as dialogue, I'm going to throw my television set out the window. What am I watching here, THIRTYSOMETHING? (Actually Hope and Michael Steadman could have beat the crap all of the "hardened" criminals featured in WT3)

Whatever your fears may be of renting a direct to DVD sequel, they are all fully realized here. The writing is snorable, the acting is mostly horrible (main guys TOM FREDERIC & TOM McKAY are decent enough even when forced to deliver a regrettable epilogue) and the special effects, which a film like this could have ridden on, look outlandishly amateurish and hobbled by CGI. Most mind blowing of all is a reliance on what looks like ancient blue screen for almost all of the shots involving a moving vehicle. Seriously I haven't seen anything this bad since Granny rode on top of the car in THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

This could be a worthwhile rental if you are looking for something to rip to shreds with your friends and have a desire to throw emptied beer cans at the screen but, as a follow-up to the first two films, it's a bit of an embarrassment and a definite wrong turn in an otherwise promising series. Poor "Three Fingers," you deserve more!

I love horror movies! That's why when I went to the movies this past Friday I skipped past the theater marquee that read THE STEPFATHER and planted my Sour Patch Kid chompin' ass down to see WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE in the theater next door! I might have given THE STEPFATHER a chance except for the fact that I accidentally brought a gun with me and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to resist blowing my brains out as soon as the movie started. Also, I'm sure everyone is familiar with my motto, "Never judge a movie until you've seen it…unless the director of that movie is the guy responsible for the remake of PROM NIGHT." Besides WILD THINGS looked like tons of fuzzy fun and, at least once a year, I like to feel happiness.

Did I get my fun? Yep, but I also got this super moving experience I won't soon forget. How's come this movie that stars a bunch of monsters seems to deliver more human emotion than most non-monster starring movies I know? I sure hope my fellow moviegoers saw me blowing my nose into my hoodie sleeve when the credits were rolling because that is my new way of saying giant thumbs up!

You can probably tell from the trailer that, thankfully, WILD THINGS was not turned into a homogenized hand holder that teaches you to be all in love with yourself and that winning is about believing and that dreaming is about winning and hooray for you because you win! Strangely it's not even all, "Hey, you're really ugly, but that makes you different and the world would be really boring if everyone was good looking, so thanks for not boring us ugly"!

WILD THINGS is not only unafraid to accurately depict the troubling and confusing loneliness that sometimes invades childhood, but also the complicated idiosyncratic nature of human (and monster) relationships that causes that loneliness. Really, doesn't it just suck that needing somebody is exactly the type of thing that will make you act up (go wild) and scare that somebody away? WILD THINGS also had me asking myself the most important life question of all: "Why can't CATHERINE O'HARA star in everything?"

Whoever's idea it was to hire SPIKE JONZE to direct this movie needs to wear a gold crown on their head. Here is a place we have never gone before and the creatures, a combination of practical effects with a light gloss of CGI, come off as superbly convincing. The voice work is nearly too good be true with the likes of my hero LAUREN AMBROSE, super stud FOREST WHITAKER and snuggle bunny JAMES GANDOLFINI lending tonsil. MAX RECORDS, as Max, gets a "You're not annoying" sticker and don't get me started on the mom I'd never run away from…CATHERINE KEENER.

Some folks might be off put by the movie's mellow drifty attitude, but I found it kind of relief not to be yanked around from scene to scene by the lapels. There is so much texture and detail here that future visits are unavoidable. If you are too poor to afford a down comforter, go see this movie instead. It's basically the same thing.

Q: Will kids be entertained?

A: Only the ones worth keeping.

Parents, heed my word, take all your children to see this and the ones that don't like it or fall asleep, just leave in the theater; you don't want those ones. I'm so keen on this flick I'm even going to throw out a Bloody Disgusting inspired blurb! "It's the hairiest movie of all time!"

I gotta go now, MUMMY 3 (TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR) is on HBO and they just called forth the Yeti!

I had no desire to see the remake of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT; the whole concept kind of skeeved me out. Unlike the other slasher re-dos, this didn't exactly seem like a fun flick that fans could all go hand in hand to and share warm nostalgic feelings about. The original is a definite product of its time and, for the most part, a grueling experience (and no WES CRAVEN, the bungling cop comic relief does little to help). Watching a gritty extended rape enacted by a bunch of out of shape hippies is one thing, but watching a glossy remix staring a bunch of would-be fashion models just seemed so very wrong. I'm sorry, maybe I'm old fashioned but I prefer my cinematic rapists to be comfortably fugly and their victims to be…you know, NED BEATTY. That said, a pal told me LAST HOUSE 2009 was pretty good and so I eventually watched it and I gotta say my pal was right.

Turns out LAST HOUSE is the perfect movie to remake because there is so much room for improvement and enough time has passed that the original's flaws are pretty glaring. The new version makes a lot more sense and thankfully gives its characters not only more depth but also a much appreciated fighting chance. SARA PAXTON who plays Mari Collingwood, the young victim, gives a brave performance and her nail biting escape attempt comes off as heroic as hell. She doesn't fare as well as one would hope, but that doesn't make the attempt any less moving or courageous. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6's TONY GOLDWYN and MONICA (man, I can't believe she's old enough to play a mom now-but I checked, she is) POTTER hold equally strong ground as the sympathetic avenging parents. Nobody in the world can replace horror icon DAVID HESS as sicko Krug, but GARRET DILLAHUNT gets a passing grade by me. He may be way too soap opera buff, but he still manages to convincingly convey menace (some thanks go to his weird death skull beard ). Really, as far as the cast goes there's not a weak link in the bunch.

This is a consistently tense movie; it's rewarding though after you get past the harrowing rape scene (which for a mainstream film is pretty disturbing). The Collingwoods are easy to route for, they've already suffered the loss of a son and they serve hot chocolate to strangers; naturally it's a blast to watch them kick some much deserving scumbag ass. Rather than take the easy route of being an empty exercise in revenge though. LAST makes attempts (mostly through Krug's son) to convey that what we're really talking about here is the value of a nurturing family. A hand does get shredded in the garbage disposal, but the idea of who is right or wrong is never the least bit foggy. After watching the technically inept OFFSPRING and the visual non splendor of a certain found camera footage movie, I found it a relief to experience a film where somebody knew how to set up a suspense scene and the cinematography took more than a moment of human thought. This is effective stuff and the atmosphere, once the homestead is hit by a well timed rainstorm, is perfect for late night viewing with the lights off. In the end I was reminded more of SCORSESE's CAPE FEAR than the original shocker this was based on. There is one tiny little problem though…

This movie has the worst ending ever, the dumbest, most out of place, tacked on ending in the world. At first I thought I'd just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, but I've decided to embrace it. It may destroy in one instance the respect the film worked so very hard to gain, but it's also, when you think about it, pretty damn funny.