UNK SEZ: They had me at JACKIE EARL HALEY.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: They had me at KATIE CASSIDY! (I'm going through HARPER'S ISLAND withdrawal y'all!)
Author: unkle lancifer
Friday the 13th Part VII :: The New Blood (Deluxe Edition)
Like most rational people, I own the box set of the first eight FRIDAY THE 13TH films. When they started releasing "Deluxe Editions" of each of those same films I wished them all the luck in the world and held on tight to my wallet. I'm not so FRIDAY-fanatical that I'd shell out more green during a recession just for a couple dopey extra special features and some fancy schmancy 3-D packaging. I was steadfastly committed to my refusenik position, but then along came FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD's deluxe edition; temptation got the better of me and I cracked. Cue THE HUMAN LEAGUE's "Human."
This new edition has an entertaining commentary by director JOHN CARL BUECHLER and actors LAR PARK LINCOLN (Tina) and KANE HODDER (Jason) that while not remarkable in the new info department, at least showcases the enthusiasm for horror of all involved. There is some never seen slashed footage too and two new featurettes; one involving "The Truth About Telekinesis" and the other an impossible to resist, fittingly short, but sweet salute to one of my favorite F13 characters of all time "Maddy."
What is it about THE NEW BLOOD that I adore so much? It's not my favorite in the series by a long shot, but it just might be my favorite one to watch. (Don't hold me to that though; I am an extraordinarily complicated man of ever changing and mysterious whims [AUNT JOHN SEZ: True dat!]) As this is Part VII in the series some familiar ground is stalked (and I say thankfully so), but let us take a moment to reflect on the aspects of this movie that are uniquely its own.
Here is a loose, in no particular order, list of the things that I dig about this quirky addition to the Jason Voorhees saga…
OH, THE DRAMA:
Much as in PART 4: THE FINAL CHAPTER, in Part 7 we are privy to the goings on in two dwellings inconveniently located adjacent to that magnet for mayhem, Crystal Lake. In both films one house roofs a group of teens preparing to party and die, but where Part 4's second residence was occupied by the charming Jarvis clan, here we are introduced to a highly melodramatic, stressed out trio on some kind of yell-therapy retreat. There's pouty Tina (LINCOLN), ungrateful for the telekinetic powers that rightfully should be my own, her hysteric hovering mother Amanda (SUSAN BLU), who has the non-soothing disposition of an amalgamation of DONNA PESCOW and SCRAPPY DOO, and lastly, their evil psychiatrist in tow, the cacophonous Dr. Crews (TERRY KISER) whose prescription for everything seems to be, "Chew two scenes and call me in the morning." In other words, the FRIDAY series may have dropped the counselors and the cabins, but it now has a vice like grip on a different kind of "camp." This is THE NEW BLOOD's deal breaker, you either find these three annoying as hell or a hilarious riot. You can tell where I stand by the giant SUSAN BLU portrait hanging over my bed.
JASON IS PISSED!
If you find the above three characters shrill shenanigans exasperating then get in line behind Jason Voorhees. I used to be one of those who thought it hardly mattered who wore the hockey mask, but this film proves my stupid theory wrong. KANE HODDER as Jason really does bring something anomalous to the character. Sure the MPAA neutered much of the gory aftermath of his kills, but Jason has a frustrated, "Somebody has got to do this job" swagger throughout which nearly makes up for the loss. Look no further than the infamous sleeping bag smack down for verification of this fact. Aesthetically, this is also my favorite looking incarnation of Jason; he's full-blown zombie now and just check out that fashionably exposed spinal column!
THE YUMMY TASTE OF SCHADENFREUDE!
So the deaths are not as drippy as one would like, but the good news is that at least two gigantic assholes get theirs in very satisfying ways. Dr. Crews' douchebag nature is made even more apparent when he throws Tina's mommy under the bus by using her as a human shield. Luckily at this point Jason has developed a BUGS BUNNY like talent for pulling whatever tool is needed from some hidden pocket in his fur, in this case a weed whacker is suddenly on hand and it soon finds its way into Crews' abdomen. Super-bitch Melissa also gets it good and director BUECHLER does a fine job milking her death for all it's worth. After she tells those who have tried to warn her to, "Fuck off" we cut to an axe being dislodged from a tree stump. As Melissa prepares to leave in a huff we see Jason's shadow appear behind her. When she opens the door she is greeted by our boy, the axe is slammed into her face and she is thrown across the room like a sack of laundry…go ahead, don't feel bad about rewinding that one.
MADDY!
Maddy's transformation from ALVIN THE CHIPMUNK to BRITTANY THE CHIPETTE is a thing of rare beauty and is why I sometimes don't mind living on this planet. When I originally saw THE NEW BLOOD in the theater, her "A little touch up work, my ass!" was greeted by hoots, hollers catcalls and guffaws, the memory of which curls my toes to this day. Eventually Maddy bites it of course, but not before effortlessly upstaging the entire cast with but a few scenes.
CARRIE VS. JASON
What a cool idea! Who does not love telekinetic horror and when can I have more? Some might pin point this installment as a shark jumper, but really after Jason's lightening bolt resurrection in PART 6 the series had ventured into the realm of dark fantasy anyway, why not have a little fun? Tina and Jason's showdown is actually exceptionally well staged and certainly paved the way to Jason's eventual audience pleasing run in with that molester in the striped sweater.
MORE, MORE, MORE!
A floating decapitated head in a flowerpot, a party favor horn shoved in an eye, the traditional jumping cat scare, the wondrous "Date with a soap on a rope," I could go on and on. Director BUECHLER says he would have loved to have had the next sequel follow survivors Tina and the Daisy Dukes wearin' studmobile Nick (KEVIN SPIRTAS), but alas it was not to be. Ridiculous as it might sound I think it would have beat that trip to New York.
Children of the Corn (2009)
As notorious as 1984's CHILDREN OF THE CORN may be, one could hardly call it a cinematic masterpiece. Whatever its shortcomings, and there are many, it remains memorable almost solely due to the genuine, can't be faked creepiness of its two main stars and no, I'm not referring to LINDA HAMILTON and PETER HORTON. As Isaac, the preternatural preacher, JOHN FRANKLIN (25 at the time) gave off a disturbingly uncanny vibe the likes of which audiences would not witness again (until perhaps just recently with ISABELLE FUHRMAN's remarkable turn in THE ORPHAN). Isaac's right hand ginger general Malachi (COURTNEY GAINES) provided an almost equal amount of consternation with a mere glare that could stop a clock.
The Syfy Channel's 2009 interpretation may have had the intention of adding a darker more hopeless vibe with an assist from original author STEPHEN KING, but the results, thanks to erroneous casting, are an unpopped kernel. It may not seem fair to place all of the blame for this movie's failure on the lap of child actor PRESTON BAILEY, but without a believable or at least remotely menacing Isaac (BAILEY should be shilling Welch's grape juice rather than shepherding a cult), the entire effort is pointless. Don't expect the new-fangled Malachi (DANIEL NEWMAN) to pick up the slack either; the only type of fear he instilled in me was the type that had me scrambling to IMDb to check out his date of birth (thankfully dude is 28). For further evidence, check out the photo below. Now, which Malachi do you want to run away from and which do you want to go paddle boating with in Central Park?
Epic casting fails aside, there's more wrong here than the Smurf-ification of the children. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's KANDYSE McCLURE (who did KING a disservice once before as Sue Snell in the CARRIE re-blotch) is borderline intolerable as one-note harpy Vicki. Although Vicki's in-car gang assault does manage to muster up some steam, it's not nearly strong enough to make up for the fact that most of the kiddie mob scenes resemble poorly staged grade school war reenactments. Worse of all, unless I had a blackout that I'm not aware of, the film just stops with what has to be one of the most anticlimactic closings I have ever witnessed. CORN fans disappointed with the original film's reveal of "He who walks behind the rows" will find that issue solved by credits rolling speedily past instead.
As a fan of STEPHEN KING's short story I really wanted to like and was excited for a more a faithful adaptation of his tale. There are some interesting tweaks like having main guy Burton (relatively faultless DAVID ANDERS) suffer from ‘Nam flashbacks, but for the most part I was left mostly depressed about just how weak the pen is when up against lackluster filmmaking. An uncut DVD is just around the corner, but unless it includes an entirely different production amongst its features, I say chase it out of town like an outlander.
Pandorum
PANDORUM or as I like to call it DESCENT HORIZON, may follow the adage, "Good artists borrow, great artists steal" but as helmed by German director CHRISTIAN ALVART (ANTIBODIES) it is wise enough to know exactly who from and how much to pilfer while still retaining its own identity. In some instances it even outclasses much of the genre pool it scrounges from. I know that the trailer and T.V. spots probably have you thinking that you've seen this all before, and to be honest that assumption is half right, but the end result here is a solid piece of horror sci-fi whose puzzle pieces actually fit together reasonably well by film's end. Yes, I actually understood what was happening in this one!
To be honest I wasn't too crazy about the RUN SPORTY SPICE RUN chick or the "I'm going to edit this with a Cuisinart!" approach to the fight sequences, but those bitty matters of personal taste were not enough to spoil the film for me. I understand that a few bones must be thrown to the video gamers in the audience. The opening and closing of the film, which deals with the tried and true metallic haunted house "Space makes you go bonkers" approach really worked for me and didn't come off as vague and allusive as it usually does. Again, it all somehow made sense to me, which I'm very happy about because honestly parts of EVENT HORIZON just fly right over my head!
Now that we know how slow I am let's hear it for BEN FOSTER! Are you telling me this guy was really my pal Claire's B.F. in SIX FEET UNDER? BEN FOSTER is great in this movie! What a refreshing change from the usual stack of newspapers I'm asked to follow around in a movie. So this year we had SAM ROCKWELL in MOON, that SHARLTO COPELY guy in DISTRICT 9 and now BEN FOSTER in this. It's kind of ironic that as horror casts become more and more glammy the sci-fi club is casting actual human looking types. Good on you PANDORUM, and an extra tip of the hat for not inviting any robots to the party.
There may be some draggy parts in the middle, but overall I really enjoyed the consistent claustrophobic mood and the way information was dispensed via flashback and an excellent sequence surrounding some primitive wall drawings. Plus, there was a kid cannibal monster creature that really was genuinely freaky and disturbing. This time of year is usually time to dump the garbage out but PANDORUM, like recent box office disappointments SORORITY ROW and JENNIFER'S BODY, is better than you probably think. I actually left the theater with my mind going all over the place envisioning what might happen next; now isn't that the mark of good sci-fi?
Kindertrauma Funhouse
Kinder-Spotlight:: No Signal
Thanx to FourFour!
Thirst (1979)
A while back a friend of mine who is always right about everything told me to watch the 1979 Australian vampire flick THIRST. We happened to have a VHS copy at the video store I worked at so I brought it home, threw it into the gizmo and got about five minutes in before shutting it off. I was not in the mood, plus the tape looked like, what's the word?…crap. Flash forward a decade or so and I stumbled upon a used DVD of THIRST for a mere $5.99. I picked it up because I have a horrible hoarding problem and frequently imagine a desperate snowed-in scenario that will never occur to justify my unnecessary purchases. Well I wasn't so much snowed in as bored out of my skull the other night and I decide to give THIRST another chance and boy I'm glad I did. On DVD, the film is a looker and as others have said before me, one of the most original vampire films ever made.
Dear KATIE HOLMES, remember when I told you that if you just waited long enough the perfect role for you would emerge? Well, get Tommy to buy the rights for this movie and get it remade stat. It's about a chick named Kate who finds herself the prisoner of a diabolical cult who use human beings as livestock (in this case it's blood rather than moola that is siphoned!) Her every attempt at escape is thwarted and eventually the gal starts flipping her lid, you can pull that off right? What's that you say? You'd rather redo a movie about a woman terrorized by tiny men (WHO'S AFRAID OF THE DARK?) O.K. that makes sense too…
Putting snarky insults towards people I've never met aside, you get your fair share of pointy teeth within THIRST, but the emphasis is more on our heroine's psychological state as she tries to avoid submission to the cult's methodic conditioning. As a direct descendent of Elizabeth Bathory, Kate's dormant "thirst" for blood is inbred and the cult believes it requires only a bit of nudging to emerge. As if tempting an on-the-wagon alcoholic, "The Brotherhood" begins spiking her liquid intake with the red stuff; hallucinations and overlapping reality warping dream states are the result. This is where the film excels, the scenes involving Kate's paranoia and mental deterioration would make ROMAN POLANSKI proud. One particular bit that involves a crumbling wall stands as a highly effective visual metaphor for the interior war Kate seems born to loose.
THIRST has about five too many endings and might have been better served concluding before it does, but when it's working it's strong stuff. Direction by television mainstay ROD HARDY (who directed a similarly themed episode of the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA re-imagining entitled "The Farm") is brisk and forthright where it needs to be, yet smoothly transitions into the artsy and surreal without breaking a sweat. The performances (including a bit part by frequent bad guy HENRY SILVA) are surprisingly restrained considering the subject matter. As dated as the film can tend to be (especially in the technology department) it's apparent that all involved took the material seriously. If you think you've seen it all in regard to our bloodsucking friends you definitely need to give THIRST a chance. By sparing us the clichés and concentrating on the psychological it stands up better than most vamp flicks half its age.
Jennifer's Body
I've been trying to stay up to date on all the new genre offerings recently and so far it has been a breeze. Today though, I walked to the theater with a heavy gallows step, for I had signed up for JENNFER'S BODY. On a personal level, both MEGAN FOX and DIABLO CODY have been so repeatedly and unwantedly jammed into my consciousness that this excursion was more like going to a police line up to identify my two rapists ("Officer, it was the one with the LOUISE BROOKS bob and the theoretically sexy one that was created in a lab to replace ANJELINA JOLIE when she gets too old or goes bonkers…sob!") I'll be first to admit my preexisting prejudices against the film were legion and had to be fought off like a swarm of invisible Amityville houseflies.
Surprisingly though, I didn't hate it! The trick is to not think of it as a horror film because the horror elements are really just decorative. This is more of a black comedy like HEATHERS with a bit of THE CRAFT thrown in, so if your expectation is to be scared or thrilled you will be left high and dry. If you are like the lone old creepy man in the trench coat sitting three rows in back of me expecting titillation of some sort, well you too will be riding a bummer train. Actually if you have to resort to watching this movie for spank bank material you are not only a sad individual, but you are also not even reading this because you don't have the Internet.
Think my writing is annoying? You should get a load of the dialogue in this film, it needs to be weeded the hell back! Smaller doses DIABLO! Man, for every semi-quotable mild chuckle inducer you have two dozen quips that would have been excised in an early draft of a GILMORE GIRLS script. You heard me, the great legacy of the G.G.'s is that cutesy wordplay and rapid banter is no longer refreshing or hip, but rather as cringe worthy and embarrassing (cringebarrassing to you CODY!) as a RACHAEL'S WEDDING toast. (Notice that random obtuse throwaway pop culture references are still hot!)
So why did I kind of like this crap? You know what, at its heart, the story is really a classic tale of a power struggle within a friendship. You got your aggressive out going gal Jennifer (FOX) and your unassuming level-headed (read: wears glasses) gal Anita aka "Needy" (AMANDA SEYFRIED). They have a real connection, almost share each other's thoughts, and then things change as they often do in life. Jennifer's succubus demon possession is just an excuse for her to get a little more outlandish in the bitch department. In fact, before anything supernatural takes place, she's already trampling all over Needy and it seems their showdown was inevitable regardless.
As is usual with these yin vs. yang thrillers, there is a borderline romantic quality to the war with both parties coveting and admiring traits in the other. It's not too much of a stretch to imagine that these stories are so universal because such a battle between higher and lower impulses takes place within all of us. (For the dude version check out the forgotten BAD INFLUENCE with ROB LOWE as the dark side of the coin and JAMES SPADER playing against type as a non-scumbag.) What I'm saying is that beneath the heavy handed slang porridge and beneath the awful stretchy mouth C.G.I. shit is a rather compelling story about competition among two friends, one of whom just happens to be deriving power from each guy she renders "hopeless." Although we have a female writer and a female director, the drama is certainly not gender specific, just check out any gym or bar at last call.
So don't expect a horror movie kids and you won't have to go to bed on a tear-stained pillow. There's a great scene where a bunch of woodland creatures show up to be an audience for a kill; cameos are stellar with AMY SEDARIS, CYNTHIA STEVENSON and J.K. SIMMONS; and if nothing else today is the day that I figured out that ADAM BRODY and COLIN HANKS are actually two different people; that's not a such a bad time at the movies! The rub is JENNIFER'S BODY is certainly annoying, but it doesn't totally Succubus! (How's that for clever wordplay DIABLO?)
ALSO: I loved this song in the movie…
Kindertrauma Funhouse
