* Thanks to the ever awesome FatherOfTears!
Author: unkle lancifer
The Bridge To Terrabithia
I give up. I throw up my hands and I give up. It's like I just discovered that I'm a Cylon except like a really, really wimpy one. After being beaten to a pulp by EDEN LAKE, then being misled and thrown for a loop by BABYSITTER WANTED, I was ready to just watch a normal movie with no surprises or hidden agendas. I was off to a good start because BURNT OFFERINGS was on cable this past weekend and I dutifully watched it twice. No surprises there; the chimney falls on the kid's head every time! So far so good, but this morning when I was flipping channels I got zoomed yet again when I decided watching THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA would be a good idea.
Hey, it's just a couple kids building a tree house and making up an elaborate fantasy world in the forest, what could go wrong?
Cut to an hour and a half later when your Unkle Lancifer is a sniveling pile of goo. I can't take it anymore! If there had been a MANDY MOORE song over the closing credits, I would have blown my brains out like a cartoon cat with only, "Goodbye cruel world!" as my last words. So if you're keeping score at home: EDEN LAKE kicked my ass; BABYSITTER WANTED slapped me around a bit; and then when I thought I was ready to brush myself off and move on, little, tiny innocent baby BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA snuck in, stomped on my foot like SHIRLEY TEMPLE and then taunted me to tears.
If you've only seen commercials and trailers for BRIDGE then you may think, as I did, that it is a fantasy adventure movie like, say, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. You may even think it's a corny feel-good movie about the power of imagination… it's a trick! A Trojan horse! Yes, ZOOEY DESCHANEL plays a music teacher who sings "Why can't we be friends?", but it's just to soften you up for the sucker punch! Watching BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA is actuality more like witnessing BAMBI's mother getting shot in the face by SOUNDER over and over again while GENA ROWLANDS and JAMES GARNER cheer from the sidelines.
Here is an admission you'll not likely to read on BLOODY DISGUSTING or AIN'T IT COOL NEWS, later today I'm going to go out and buy a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with Dutch boy wig. After I put both on I'm going to purchase the largest all day lollipop I can find and I'm going to skip all the way home with it. If any bullies pick on me, I'm going to give them a big wet raspberry and then jump on a pink pogo stick and bounce away, probably to the nearest mental hospital where I can get a long rest in a rubber room preferably within a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE sleeping bag. If you've seen this movie, you know what I'm talking about, and if you have not, well you have been warned. Who says trauma is just for kids?!?
Horror Fans And The Movies That Love Them
Horror fans. Who and what are horror fans? Are they unhinged psychopathic time bombs who get a vicarious thrill witnessing pain being inflicted upon their fellow man? Are they ineffectual nerds who are preoccupied with processing their feelings of powerlessness in the universe by viewing assembly line murders? Are they simply antisocial misfits who misspell the word uncle and live in a make believe castle who waste time writing posts on blogs that sound more and more like rejected SEX AND THE CITY voiceovers? We may never know and I, for one, could give a crap. I'm just writing everything you are reading now to justify my posting of awesome gore shots from my current movie obsession CARL REINER's hilarious send up of not so modern education SUMMER SCHOOL!
That's right SUMMER SCHOOL! If you're asking yourself what the hell is a comedy like SUMMER SCHOOL doing on Kindertrauma well, have fun asking yourself that and let me know how that works out for you. I'm just writing about SUMMER SCHOOL because I love it and I love the characters of Chainsaw and Dave who just happen to be big time horror movie fans and adore THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE specifically. Plus, don't you know that SUMMER SCHOOL (pronounced "Summa Skule") stars SHAWNEE SMITH (1988's THE BLOB), DEAN CAMERON (BAD DREAMS), KELLY JO MINTER (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: THE DREAM CHILD) and features songs from sexy kinder-babe E.G DAILY (BAD DREAMS, ONE DARK NIGHT)? So here's to SUMMER SCHOOL and now lets take a look at those gore shots….
Pretty disgusting, huh? Boy this is a pretty lame post. How can I turn it around? I know, I'll make it a highfalutin list! We all love lists, right? Be they grocery, shit or even HALL & OATES' famous list of the best things in life (Your kiss is on that one!) Let's make a list of horror films that feature horror fans as characters shall we?
SALEM'S LOT: Little LANCE-Y KERWIN liked classic horror movies (The kind in black and white where nobody ever gets a shish kabob shoved down their throat or jumps out of a television to kill you) very much in this STEPHEN KING adaptation. It's a good thing he did too, ‘cuz it ends up saving his ass when he uses a crucifix from one of his horror models to scare away a pesky floating vampire kid!
THE FUNHOUSE: Remember Amy Harper's little brother Joey? (SHAWN CARSON) His bedroom was covered in memorabilia and he was so into horror flicks that he dressed up as a killer and stabbed his sister in the shower with a rubber knife. What a perv!
FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER: Tommy Jarvis was a horror fan and spent much of his time creating masks and elaborate special effects that were on par with the work of master TOM SAVINI! Good Job Tommy!
SCREAM: Randy Meeks (JAMIE KENNEDY) watched so many horror movies that when the time came for all his friends to be murdered he believed that actual real life would echo the structure of one of his favorite films and guess what, he was right!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME: Creepy Alfred may not have been that into horror cinema at all but he certainly liked to create fake decapitated heads in his spare time. He could also make really great MELISSA SUE ANDERSON masks which if you think about it would really come in handy if you were dressing up as Mary Ingles for Halloween!
THE BLOB: Little Kevin Penny just had to see GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE, "a standard slice and dice" that featured a killer in a hockey mask who killed camp counselors. Somewhere out there adult Kevin Penny is nursing the wounds of having to endure GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE's remake!
FINAL EXAM: Not so final boy Radish (JOEL S. RICE) decorated his dorm room with posters from THE TOOLBOX MURDERS and THE CORPSE GRINDERS, but unfortunately his knowledge of horror did zero to help him survive an identity free slasher on campus.
FADE TO BLACK: Lonely cinemaphile Eric Binford (DENNIS CHRISTOPHER) likes to dress up as his favorite movie icons including DRACULA and THE MUMMY among others when he murders the bullies who torment him. Look out young MICKEY ROURKE! That dude means to kill you!
SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE: Munchkin Ana Torrent becomes so obsessed with JAMES WHALE's FRANKENSTEIN and particularly the scene where the monster accidentally drowns a little girl that it alters her view of reality entirely.
6 FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A REAL FRIEND: Speaking of loosing a grip on reality, teenager Estrella (NEREA INCHASTI) much like Chainsaw and Dave from SUMMER SCHOOL idolizes Leatherface from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE to such a degree that she imagines that the goofball is her B.F.F.! With friends like that, who needs enemies who are still breathing?
FRIGHT NIGHT: Reluctant vampire hunter Charlie Brewster (WILLIAM RAGSDALE) is a horror fan whose favorite show just happens to be hosted by legendary horror star Peter Vincent (RODDY MCDOWALL)
So what says yooze guys? Can you think of any more movies, horror or otherwise, that feature horror fans as characters? Contrary to popular belief, my brain can't come up with everything! Help an Unkle out! Remember, mind over matter!
The Unborn (2009)
Before we start talking about the movie THE UNBORN I have to tell you guys about the crazy day I've had. Can you believe that I ran over a four-year-old child in my car?
Oh, don't worry. He seemed O.K. when I left him. In fact, all I gotta say on the subject is what a weird kid!
Now, do you feel that perhaps my attitude about what I've done seems a bit I don't know… casual? Well don't worry, I DID NOT run over a kid in my car but in the movie THE UNBORN a character literally tells her friend what I just told you and her friend's response is to basically shoo her away and change the subject back to herself. Herself being Casey Beldon (ODETTE YUSTMAN), who just won't stop bellyaching about some ghostly unborn sibling who keeps tormenting her. Hey Casey, if you think unborn siblings are a pain in the ass, try dealing with ones that lived!
Being inherently self obsessed and devoutly whiney myself, I hate to throw stones but Casey's reaction to her gal pal's admission to a hit in run incident involving a child is pretty much par for the course in THE UNBORN. Vivid hallucinations of head twisting ghouls, potato bugs springing out of cracked eggs and tentacles sprouting out of glory holes in a women's rest room (!?!) illicit similar reactions. Sure she screams with the best of them, but the constant constipated expression on her face in the aftermath would be a more appropriate reaction for somebody who has misplaced her cell phone.
I tried to have an open mind and give THE UNBORN a fair shake. I swear to God I did, even though I knew going in that this would probably be one of those post-RING killer kid flicks where everybody's C.G.I. jaw expands like taffy and the camera shakes a lot to represent action. While we are on the subject, PLEASE STOP MAKING BLUE TONED MOVIES! I feel like I'm flipping through a fashion magazine at the dentist's office rather than watching a film. I once had an art teacher say to me, "If everything is important, nothing is important" and I think that applies to films like THE UNBORN that bludgeon you with their visual style. (Entire UNDERWORLD series you might want to jot this down.) It looks great, I'm a sucker for a glossy well photographed flick but when there is zero contrast throughout, it ends up looking like a subway car speeding by that you just can't focus on.
I would have loved a well done exorcism movie my friends but I just can't get behind a movie that stubbornly refuses to touch ground with anything resembling life on this planet. I think SPEED RACER had more of a natural sense of the human condition than I found here. Furthermore, how can I ever forgive a movie that makes GARY OLDMAN look like RODDY McDOWALL? To be nice, THE UNBORN does have a few cool, surreal moments, …well, actually no, I take that back. I think that the winter backdrop looked nice…um…yeah, the snow was pretty. Well, I'm sorry THE UNBORN ya kinda suck, but I will throw ya this bone…that glory hole monster was like the second most disgusting thing that I have ever seen in a public restroom, so big props there!
Babysitter Wanted
Gosh darn, this hurts. I can't tell you about the most intriguing aspect of BABYSITTER WANTED without ruining its most pleasant surprise. What's even more painful is that I have to resist using what would be the film's stronger images to illustrate this post for the same reason. Legitimate, well-thrown curve balls are so rare in horror movies these days that I couldn't live with myself if I diminished even a fraction of this movie's novel bite. Nope. I Just won't do it. Who says I don't have any scruples? (Put down your hand Aunt John, I thought those left over enchiladas in the fridge where fair game. Time to move on).
I know what you are thinking, "A babysitter in peril movie?… been there, done that," and you're absolutely right. In fact, the beginning of BABYSITTER WANTED does just about everything in its power to prove that it has no intention at all of covering new ground. Every cliché is in place: missing college girls, ominous phone calls from a shadowy stranger, even the standard small town feckless police officer makes an appearance in the form of BILL MOSLEY. Half way in, BABYSITTER may not be impressing you with its originality, but you have to admit it certainly does a fine job of imitating its slasher forefathers right down to its butter wouldn't melt protagonist and its obviously humble budget. Midway in I was far from wowed, but seriously enjoying the cozy vapors of nostalgia.
Once the comfortable, hoary stage is set though, a genuine wild card is hurled. I'm not sure if it's 100 percent convincing, but the effect is profoundly invigorating nonetheless. Suddenly the stakes are much higher than imagined and the opportunity for a fuzzy outcome deflates triple fold. It's sort of like thinking you are stepping into a puddle and ending up waist deep in mud. Directors JONAS BARNES and MICHAEL MANASSERI deserve props for patiently allowing things to gel before dropping their hammer. Kudos is also deserved for standing back and allowing some black humor to seep through the cracks once the game board is flipped. This may not be the scariest movie ever made and it does require a bit of the old suspension of disbelief (if you don't know how to do that… learn), but once things start ticking, it delivers quality suspense at regular intervals and ends up being a lot of fun.
Heading the cast as eighteen-year-old babysitter Angie is the closer to thirty television vet SARAH THOMPSON (7TH HEAVEN, ANGEL) who makes the journey from accommodating good girl to sneering survivalist without missing a beat. An equally impressive performance is given by BRUCE THOMAS, whose acting career began playing "Mini Ash #3" in ARMY OF DARKNESS and who has the chin to prove it. This misleadingly simple, covertly aggressive production is exactly what independent horror should be about. It also makes the case that the slasher genre itself has not even begun to fulfill its full potential. All the genre really needs is filmmakers like these who are not afraid to REALLY shuffle the deck before dealing the cards.
NOTE: Hey, that's the new Mrs. Voorhees NANA VISITOR playing Angie's ma!
ALSO: Check out BABYSITTER WANTED's official site HERE.
Eden Lake
Maybe your Unkle Lancifer is naive but my reasoning behind making my personal ordeal public is the idea that perhaps by doing so I can allow the healing to begin and maybe just maybe, save somebody from making the same mistakes I have…
Last night I invited the movie EDEN LAKE over to spend some time with me. I had heard some great things about it and had seen it on a couple of best of 2008 horror lists, so I guess I was intrigued. Originally I wasn't attracted to it at all. I wasn't thrilled with the box art it wore and let's face it, I've been around the block a couple times; I doubted it had anything new to offer me. At some point I heard it was about killer kids and I must have just convinced myself that my interest was professional and that our meeting would benefit Kindertrauma in some way. All right I'll be honest, in the back of my mind I guess I did want to be scared a little too. It's been so long since a movie really got to me, you know? Maybe EDEN LAKE could make me feel the way I used to, when I was young and the world was full of horrifying possibilities…
EDEN LAKE slipped into the DVD player at about eleven. I sorta made it watch the TOP CHEF finale with me first (Carla, NO!!!!). I had been drinking some beer, but I swear I was not drunk and from what I could tell neither was EDEN LAKE. Everything was fine for a while. Sure it was a bit uncomfortable and I did feel like I had heard everything EDEN LAKE was saying to me a million times before. Still I wasn't going to throw in the towel, a lot people really seemed to like EDEN LAKE, and a movie with that many friends can't be all bad right? I mean, at least that was what I was thinking.
Aunt John went to bed around eleven thirty which was fine by me. I don't need a chaperone and I could tell Auntie wasn't too keen on the way things were moving forward anyway. He wasn't too supportive about my relationship with WOLF CREEK either and that worked out fine, so more room on the couch for me! Now that we were alone I was hanging on EDEN CREEK's every word. The closer I looked the more it became evident that EDEN really might deserve its reputation.
Then EDEN LAKE hauled off and punched me square in the face…
Before I could even react, EDEN LAKE punched me yet again. When I stood up to demand that it get out of my DVD player it boxed my ears and kneed me in the groin. I fell into the coffee table knocking over a bowel of Gummie Life Savers. I remember staring at their bright colors and noticing how they clashed against the carpet. EDEN LAKE began to kick me over and over again in the stomach, my pleas for mercy met with mocking laughter. At one point I remember EDEN offering me a hand, as if it were all just a misunderstanding and that it really did want to be my friend, but the pathetic smile I mustered at this idea was quickly erased by a brass lamp crashing down upon my head. I couldn't believe this was happening. Sure my blind date with IRREVERSIBLE didn't exactly go as planned either, but I chalked that one up to being my fault for ignoring the signs. I trusted EDEN LAKE to be a gentleman; I mean it's British for chrissake!
Maybe I've got a bit of that Stockholm syndrome because even though I got my ass handed to me, I can't let go of the fact that EDEN LAKE, vicious as it may be, really is a good film. I know it's manipulative as hell, but it looks really good and it takes its job seriously. I'm still aching though and trying to see through a fog of hopelessness. Did I get what I asked for? I wanted to be horrified but I guess I forgot what that really meant. Now I'm left picking up the pieces. How can I explain any of this to anyone who has not experienced it?
If you're reading this EDEN LAKE, I want you to know that you are a very good movie, but make no mistake I never want to see you again!!! Also, I think you may have accidently taken my will to live with you in your haste to leave the crime scene. Do you think you could just slip it through the mail slot the next time you are in the area? I'm gonna need that back.
