These LEGENDS CONDOM adverts are both hilarious and slightly disturbing. They appear to be singing the same warning as the ever popular ZAZOO condom commercial below…
Author: unkle lancifer
The Boogey Man (1980)
One of the very first horror movies that I ever caught on VHS was 1980's THE BOOGEY MAN directed by ULLI LOMMEL. It's box art and title had me assuming I would be viewing something along the same lines as HALLOWEEN. Boy, was I in for a surprise. Sure the opening scenes visually crib from JOHN CARPENTER's classic and the title is an obvious cash-in, but that's where the similarities end. If you're looking for subtle nuance or even a vague feigning of good taste just let THE BOOGEY MAN, as Dionne Warwick sang, "Walk on by." This movie though, as rough around the edges, derivative and generic as it sometimes is, just can't help being strangely disturbing in it's own way. The opening kill alone should be in the kindertrauma hall of fame.
Let's face it, HALLOWEEN's Judith Myers had a pretty good life up until her brother snuffed it out. Not so with THE BOOGEY MAN's young brother and sister team Lacey and Willy (NATASHA SCHIANO and JAY WRIGHT) who, when we open the picture, live in the kind of f-ed up environment that wouldn't befall Judith Myers until ROB ZOMBIE got a hold of her years later. When we first meet these wide-eyed siblings they are spying on their drunken wreck of a mother as she seduces a butch bruiser in the family living room. We never see the guy's face clearly because soon mom's kinky pantyhose fetish comes to light and he is wearing said hose on his face.
I'm not sure why but this pantyhose disguise routine was popular on crime shows back in the day and I don't mind telling you that it always creeped the hell out of me. I mean, props to mom for getting her groove on but this ain't the type you want hanging around your kids! That obvious fact is made even clearer when the kids are caught spying and, under the approving eye of drunk mommy, the little boy is tied up and gagged to a bed and then slapped for good measure. Luckily sis in her candy cane stripped pajamas knows exactly where the family keeps the butcher knife so she cuts loose her bro. Once free lil' Willy, as boys will often do, decides it's high time to stab pantyhose face in the spine as he bumps ugglies with trashy ma in that oddest of make-out joints the bedroom.
What else do you need to know about this movie? 20 years later the kids are grown (and f-d) up and played by real life brother sister team SUZANNA and NICHOLAS LOVE (Suzanne was LUMMEL's BARBEAU at the time.) They are desperately trying to get over their serious DR. PHIL baggage but Willy is so damn shell shocked he's gone mute. Sis Lacey makes the brilliant decision to revisit her past in order to heal (don't try this at home folks!) but ends up freeing the dead dude from a mirror he's been hanging out in so that he can brutally demolish everybody she comes into contact with.
THE BOOGEY MAN is a cheap, synth scored, runaway train but there are so many ideas (both original AND stolen) bouncing around that you kind of just have to sit back in awe. There are plenty of amazing deaths (the kissing double murder by a knife through two open mouths is inspired) but if gore ain't your bag you'll be happy to know that people are routinely speaking in demonic voices, shooting light beams out of their eyeballs and hovering above the ground too. I'm telling you, this supernatural slash-a-thon knows no bounds! In fact, the creepy windows from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR even stop by for a spell (pretty amazing when you consider those windows totally snubbed THE AMITYVILLE CURSE!) THE BOOGEY MAN is strewn with some choppy editing and technical problems galore but its willingness to be as deranged as it wants to be (scary pantyhose face included) leaves a lasting impression.
P.S. O.K I admit it, I did rewind over and over again the part where the brat gets a window (the non-AMITYVILLE type) smashed down on his head. Does that make me a bad person? Aw, who asked ya!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Charles W. on Gun-Toting Little Girls
Hey here's a movie that disturbed me as a child and I have not been able to figure out what movie it was. Not even Joe Bob Briggs could figure this one out, people working in underground movie shops just shrug. The movie was made in the ‘80s and it's about two girls around the age of 8 who live on a beach. One is brunette and the other is blond, I think their mom is single and she hooks up with some guy who is their next-door neighbor. The guy gives the blond girl a camera for her birthday and the two girls go around taking pictures of everything. They sneak in on their neighbor having an affair with another woman and conspire to black mail him writing him threatening letters with photographic evidence. The adults freak out and everything, lots of drama.
But the part that freaked me out was the ending, the blond girl gets a hold of a revolver and shoots the guy to death at the end on the beach! Like I'm talking big bloody squibs, and the really awful part is the girl turns the gun on her brunette haired friend, the movie ends with a crying small girl running into the water with blood squibs bursting on her back! I use to watch every horror movie imaginable when I was young and was never bothered by any of them but this movie always filled me with a feeling of dread. It never occurred to me that kids could die violently before I saw that and I remember being seriously disturbed after the first viewing.
I saw this movie like more than once when I was a child because my sister kept renting it but she can't even remember the title now. This was back in 1988 when I last saw it and I was in kindergarten. I think I eventually end up asking anyone I talk movies with about this movie, no one has seen it, plot summary search on IMDB brings up nothing. Really hard to find any info on it. I think it might have had the word SWEET or BABY or DARLING in the title.
UNK SEZ: Dear Charles, you made my day because I know exactly the movie you are talking about is! It's from 1989, stars JOHN HURT and is entitled LITTLE SWEETHEART. In fact, that movie is actually based on a novel by ARTHUR WISE called NAUGHTY GIRLS which I read In my youth. Strangely enough, that book had such an impact on me that not only did we post the cover in the early days of Kindertrauma HERE but we also use a bastardized verson of its artwork as the kindertrauma Myspace avatar! I've never actually seen the film as I did not even know of its existence until recently but, considering the impression it left upon you, I'll be tracking it down soon! You can check out the trailer HERE.
Traumafessions :: Reader Randy M. on Gilligan's Island
GILLIGAN'S ISLAND was one of my favourite T.V. shows as a youth. However, there were some absolutely horrifying aspects to it:
- The giant spider Gilligan faced down
- Gilligan's many "dream sequences," especially the ones with him as a vampire and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde (I couldn't watch those!)
- All the references to HEADHUNTERS
Actually, death figured prominently in much of this "family comedy." Bites by supposedly fatal bugs, Gilligan being fake-burnt atop a funeral pyre, quicksand…
At least there was Mary Ann in the halter-top and denim paint pants to look at!
UNK SEZ: Randy, I too loved GILLIGAN'S ISLAND as a kid! I will never forget that giant spider episode as long as I live. (You can read a little more about that spider HERE). Do you remember the one where they actually got off the island for a spell only to wind up in a castle with a mad scientist who switched their brains around? That's the one that freaked me out. The scientist's giant lab assistant Igor even ends up with Ginger's personality! Thank god Ginger was returned to her usual beautiful self. I can't imagine her in Igor form fitting into her "Honey Bees" wardrobe!
Kindertrauma Movie of the Year :: Let The Right One In
Look at that damned calendar! The year is over!! What the heck?! Remember good ol' last year when we were able to do an overview of all the creepy kids that appeared in horror films over the year? Sure you do, it's HERE. Well, what in the name of Rhoda Penmark are we supposed to do this year? Sure, kids appeared on the sidelines in movies like MIRRORS, but their presence seemed only required so that they could mutter faux-creepy slogans for use as gotcha moments in the movie's trailers. THE ORPHANAGE ruled for sure, but one movie does not an end of year overview make and technically it was made in 2007.
If you're anything like the frightening voices that torment me nonstop in my head, you're probably screaming in a twisted hag voice "Unkle Lancifer, you need to get out more!" Yes, countless hours were wasted this year playing Lego Playstation games, I'll grant you that, but remember I live in Bumblef*ck where the only films on the theater marquee are ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE and THE FLOWER THAT DRANK THE MOON. Adding insult to unjustifiable rationalization, TRICK R' TREAT is still sadly M.I.A. and the U.K. flick THE CHILDREN is yet (to my knowledge) to jump across the pond.
What was I to do? How was I to make any kind of statement about kids in horror in 2008? I think there was a kid in that French movie FRONTIERS, I assume there was a zombie tyke in QUARANTINE, and didn't some kids try to warn people to stay clear of THE RUINS? A spiraling spurious non-list began to form in my mind's eye. Who was I kidding? Then, there I was at my wits end and fantasizing about fashioning a noose from NERDS ROPE when I received a message from a carrier vulture named Saint Antonio Sanchez informing me that maybe perhaps I should check out LET THE RIGHT ONE IN…
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN makes up for everything, and it saved my year. I'm not just saying this because I was on the precipice of the abyss when we met; I mean it. Even outside the realm of horror it may be the best movie of the year, it certainly and without question is the Kindertraumiest. Aunt John has no say in this matter whatsoever; I'm prepared to skip camp if rebuffed. I, with the power of Grayskull and inspired by this unique film, have decreed that a new award must be forged for future years and that award is the KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! That's right, it's official, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! We must all listen to MORRISSEY (to whom it owes its title) today in celebration.
What is so special about this movie and what can I tell you about it without ruining it? First of all, I'd just like to say this movie does not spaz out and get all up in your face. That is very important to me. It's calm and peaceful yet stand warned, it's not afraid to smack you around a little when you start feeling too secure and cozy. It's about actual human connection, how we change the people who come into our lives and how they change us. More importantly, it shows how outsiders can identify themselves in each other and gather strength from their alliance. (Call me nuts but REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE sprung to my mind not to mention E.T. with a taste for blood). To top it all off there is mucho snow (my cinematic Achilles heal) and the whole thing is filmed as simply and as exquisitely as humanly possible.
It is a "horror" movie for sure, but I have to point out that it reflects the actual universe that we live in far more accurately than most non-horror films (Certainly more than all the superhero, wedding disaster and dopey buddy flicks released this year combined). This is the real deal folks. The main characters may be twelve (even twelve for a looooong time) but their ability to bond without judgment and care for each other is something you rarely get to see in films that feature characters of any age.
Less you think I'm reviewing SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING COFFIN, I should inform you that many people die undeserving deaths within this film and at the hands of these spiritual and soulful characters. Well, what can I tell you? You got to break eggs before you devil them and I'm so enamored with these kooky kids that if that's what keeps 'em writing love notes and teaching each other the Rubik's Cube, so be it. (By the way, apparently there is no moral question in my mind concerning the film's final poolside massacre as I laughed whole heartily and gleefully all through it, I may have even clapped).
I really don't want to say much more as I don't want to spoil anything, but GO see this movie! If it's not playing around you yet go buy the book it's based on by JOHN AJIDE LINDQVIST instead (I'm devouring it now). This is the type of horror tale that comes around far too rarely and, like a long lost soul mate, it lifts the genre up to a whole new level.
P.S. Many films have attempted the proverbial "attacked by cats" scene with questionable to borderline comical results. This is due to the rookie mistake of actually throwing live cats onto people in order to simulate the melee. Not so in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, I'm so happy now that somebody has finally done it right!
Traumafessions :: Reader LadyKessa on Poltergeist II-Flavored Tequila
My mother re-married and my new step father decided that POLTERGEIST II was a fine film to go and enjoy. I had seen the first one and while grossed out and a little creeped out by a few scenes… I was far from traumatized by it. Now I will utter a four word phrase that frankly starts a lot of stories that end badly…
Then…he… drank… tequila.
The sight of CRAIG T. NELSON gagging and puking up that horrible worm, then its morphing into that disgusting man-thing and slithering off down the hardwood… I am in my 30's and even to this day I cannot drink the bottom out of a bottle of soda, or the last third from any vessel I cannot see through, unless I use a straw that I bite hard so nothing more than the barest slip of liquid can get through.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: Kids, let this be a lesson to everyone planning on imbibing New Year's Eve libations tonight… stick to beer, stay in the clear, and for the love of CRAIG T. NELSON… just say NO to Cuervo!
Traumafessions :: Reader Laura on Sesame Street, The Watcher in the Woods, & David Bowie
This SESAME STREET sketch used to scare the bejeezus out of me.
I used to make sure my feet were covered up and not hanging over the edge of the bed lest they be munched on.
Also THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS, the Disney "horror" movie. It had stuff in it about spelling things backwards, mirrors, and girls with blindfolds. Am I even thinking of the right movie? Anyway, it's still lovingly remembered as my first taste of scary movies/the occult.
Also, DAVID BOWIE's crotch in LABYRINTH both scared and fascinated me.
UNK SEZ: Dear Laura, it behooves me to report that while searching for a proper image of Mr. BOWIE's crotch to illustrate your traumafession I stumbled across something that may traumatize you even further. "A scientific look at DAVID BOWIE's package" can be found HERE!
Shriek of the Mutilated
Winter is upon us. Gone are the halcyon days of summer. Gone are the robust, crisp bountiful days of fall. Now is the time of year that I shelve my childish concerns about coming face to face with Bigfoot and start spending my time fretting about something real. Of course, I speak of the dreaded Yeti!!!
Bigfoot, as smelly and giant sized as he may be, is a walk in Yosemite National Park when compared with his frosty albino cousin. The Bigfoot I know, and secretly love, is a wilting violet for the most part. He slinks through the forest and wants nothing more than to be left alone with his thought(s). Much like the senselessly demonized great white shark, he only gets violent when modern man gets all up in his grill. Yeti, on the other hand, has no reservations about screaming and howling in your face like he's auditioning for an APHEX TWIN video. Yeti is looking for trouble.
Yeti, a.k.a The Abominable Snowman, has had several films made depicting his fascinating lifestyle. Unfortunately, as is the case with the Bigfoot canon, most Yeti films tend to disappoint his ravenous fan base. (I would count SNOWBEAST among his few successes just as NIGHT OF THE DEMON is Bigfoot's ultimate ode). SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED, which basically shares the exact same plot as NIGHT OF THE DEMON (a teacher takes his students to an isolated place to investigate a monster who picks them all off one by one), gives us zero new information about the mysterious creature, unless you count the assertion that the beast wears tennis shoes.
The biggest problem (out of literally a zillion) with SHRIEK is that our pal Yeti doesn't look so hot. He's not scary period. This particular incarnation of the monster has been described as looking like everything from a department store Santa wearing a fur coat to a high school sports mascot gone berserk. I myself can only think of a large-scale version of HONK the fuzzy alien from THE FAR OUT SPACE NUTS. (Side note about HONK: HONK was portrayed brilliantly by PATTY MALONEY who was also little Lumpy in THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL and Twiki's girlfriend Tina on BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY– take that LINDA HUNT!)
As dopey as the sometimes-frolicking monster is, he's partially camouflaged by the fact that everything and everybody else in the movie is pretty cruddy too. There's really not one moment of normal human behavior to be found anywhere. Suffice to say, I love, love, love, SHREIK OF THE MUTILATED. Directed by MICHAEL FINDLAY who was responsible for the crap-fest SNUFF, and written by the genius that penned INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS, SHREIK offers something much more valuable than quality, it's actually fun to watch. If you enjoy early JOHN WATERS or any HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS then this is absolutely your bag and a must see. Unfortunately, in real life director FINDLAY had one of those dreaded freak decapitation by helicopter blade things happen to him so we'll never know what other hilarious trash he had in his noggin'.
*One sad thing I have to report is that although a current DVD does have all of SHRIEK's blood and gore finally at our disposal, due to freakin' lame copyright crap that ruins everything, the song "Popcorn" which garnished the film's original version is M.I.A. You might not think that it would make a difference but it does, "Popcorn" has no substitute!!!!
Merry Garbage Day!!!!
Hey Kids!!!! Sick already of celebrating the holidays? Friends and family got you ready to go nutzo? Why not celebrate SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2's Garbage Day instead with this nifty postcard? Simply print out the amateurishly photoshopped image, cut and glue it to a piece of heavy stock paper and then stamp it and send it on it's way. Imagine your postman's surprise when he realizes that you are more unstable then he is!
