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...:::General Horror:::...

The Uncanny (1977) By Mickster

April 28th, 2020 · 7 Comments

Like everyone else, I am spending more time at home watching movies (in between e-learning with my students). So over the weekend, my husband and I were looking at all the choices on Amazon Prime, and we found The Uncanny. I love a good anthology horror film, but when that anthology features Peter Cushing AND cats, it is even better.

Wilbur Gray (Peter Cushing) wants Frank Richards (Ray Milland) to believe that he has evidence that cats have control over humans, but I argue the evidence shows humans committing some of the seven deadly sins and paying the ultimate price via feline angels of death. After examining the evidence, I think you will agree the cats are completely justified in their actions.

Story one “London 1912” is about the backlash of unbridled greed.

Miss Malkin (Joan Greenwood) has cut her greedy nephew out of her will and replaced him with her clowder of cats. Unbeknownst to Miss Malkin, her maid, Janet (Susan Penhaligon), is in cahoots with her nefarious nephew, Michael (Simon Williams). Janet destroys the lawyer’s copy of the new will and plots with Michael to nab Miss Malkin’s copy in her bedroom safe. What Janet fails to realize is Miss Malkin’s kitties are constantly watching her every move. When Janet suffocates Miss Malkin after she catches her red-handed raiding her safe, the cats take vengeful action. 

Story two “Quebec Province 1975” is about the perilous path of envy.

Poor Lucy (Katrina Holden) has lost both parents and is forced to go live with her uncaring aunt and nasty, jealous cousin, Angela (Chloe Franks). Her one saving grace is her loyal cat, Wellington and some interesting books on witchcraft. Well, Angela is jealous that Wellington wants nothing to do with her and Angela’s father (Donald Pilon) shows kindness to the orphaned child, so she starts blaming things on Wellington as well as Lucy in order to make her mother, who already hates the cat, take Wellington away. Her underhanded scheme works and Wellington is carted off. To make things even worse, Lucy’s aunt (Alexandra Stewart) burns her books, except for one that Lucy saved. Too bad for Angela, the book Lucy saved is just the thing she needs, along with Wellington making his way back, to take revenge on her bratty cousin.

Story three “Hollywood 1936” is about the negative repercussions of lust.

The aptly named Valentine De’ath (Donald Pleasence) is tired of his actress wife and co-star, Madeleine (Catherine Begin), so he sets up an on the set “accident” which kills her quite gruesomely, think “The Pit and the Pendulum” style. He then has his mistress, Edina (Samantha Eggar), take his deceased wife’s place in the film. When Valentine so rudely brings Edina home to fool around, Madeleine’s cat is not happy. Even more horrifying, Valentine murders the cat’s kittens by flushing them down the toilet (Um, that really pissed me off). Well, it turns out that hell hath no fury like a kitty scorned. Kitties can orchestrate “accidents” too!

As the film wraps up, Wilbur Gray leaves his evidence with Frank Richards before making his way home with numerous cats following closely behind. Now, I still assert the people in those stories got what was coming to them. The cats were completely justified in their actions. Let’s just call it kitty karma.

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Tags: General Horror · Kinder Loves Mickster! · Mickster

Closed For Repairs

April 10th, 2020 · 3 Comments

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Tags: General Horror · Kindertrauma Funhouse

The Invisible Man (2020)

March 11th, 2020 · 3 Comments

Remember when I was telling you a while back that I brought my friend who was going through a salty divorce to see BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019) hoping she’d find it cathartic but instead she found it silly and was left questioning my taste in cinema? Well, I’ve redeemed myself by taking the same troubled gal-pal to go see THE INVISIBLE MAN which left her all riled up, scrappy and pleasantly pissed off. Don’t worry, even though THE INVISIBLE MAN could be accused of overtly allegorizing timely #metoo grievances, I think anyone who has struggled with a bully, psychological abuse or a general lack of having their perceptions taken seriously is bound to relate. Writer/director LEIGH (UPGRADE) WHANNELL does a herculean job of breathing new relevant life into one of UNIVERSAL’s least potent (imo) classic monsters and the end result is an undeniable success. Of course, I could have used a tad more clarity when it came to addressing who was feeding and caretaking a certain family pet who is left alone for long periods of time but that’s my issue. I’m just going to assume rich people always have a bevy of employees we never see and let it go (Note: I’m still wondering what happened to Deckard’s faithful pooch in BLADE RUNNER 2049 and I may forever).

ELIZABETH MOSS delivers a raw, fearless performance as Cecilia Kass, a woman who finds death itself is not enough to keep her controlling psychotic stalker boyfriend at bay. You see, it looks like Cecilia’s tormentor may have faked his own demise and (thanks to his deep pockets and optical expertise) has figured out a way to make his presence imperceptible to the naked eye. The gas-lighting goon doesn’t mind sabotaging her career, trashing her relationships and painting her as a short-fused, child-abusing lunatic. MOSS gets to burn bright as a cornered victim with nothing left to lose swinging from pathetic to ferocious without breaking a sweat; her multileveled, virtuoso execution pretty much puts most recent Oscar nominees to shame and it’s too bad it’ll likely go unheralded. It doesn’t hurt that MOSS’s Cecilia is surrounded by equally compelling characters, from the kindly father/daughter team that take her in that you hate to see endangered (ALDIS HODGE and STORM REID) to her tough as nails sister Emily (HARRIET DRYER) who you can’t blame for being immensely skeptic. Even her ex’s slimy weasel brother (MICHAEL DORMAN) is perfectly despicable and a great joy to see taken down a few pegs.

Besides sharing DNA with your standard “blank from hell” nineties thriller and your favorite made-for-TV woman in peril flick, a large chunk of THE INVISIBLE MAN reminded me of good old CANDYMAN (sans the romance). The two films do somewhat mirror (!) each other in the way that the female leads are put through the wringer, wrongfully committed and left holding the bag, accused of their phantom’s murders. No spoilers, but in both cases escape and redemption are only possible by adapting their menace’s skills and becoming a righteous variation of the monster (I’d even say that both are sorta subversive superhero origin stories at heart). It’s really been a long time since I’ve experienced a film with such a rousing and satisfying conclusion. Clever, compact and refreshingly to the point- this sleek sci-fi/horror/thriller hybrid like THE THING, THE FLY & INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS before it; joins an all too tiny club of relevant remakes that are equal to or even surpass their source material. What can I say? There’s no better way to put it, THE INVISIBLE MAN is a must-see, simple as that.

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Tags: General Horror

The Lodge (2019)

February 27th, 2020 · 9 Comments

Hey, THE LODGE is a horror film with a chilly snowbound setting so how can it not be fun? I’ll tell you how; it also happens to be one of those new-fangled emotionally torturous artsy flicks that make you feel like you’re losing your mind. You know the drill, fifty percent of the audience is going to find it brilliant, the other half will claim it’s boring and I’m going to end up hiding under a blanket tormented by suicidal thoughts and a feeling of incompleteness because I do not maintain an exact replica of my home in dollhouse form. Honestly, I don’t need this bad mojo right now, mid-to-late February is not the time to be playing around with crazy-making, mind-fuck flicks concerning isolation, damnation, purgatory and pet death, especially when said movie’s runtime is approximately forever-ish.

Don’t get me wrong, THE LODGE is basically a masterpiece when it comes to delivering waves and waves of impenetrable unease but so is every social media site I’m actively trying to avoid. I get it, you win, THE LODGE! You successfully made me feel like garbage for three days and counting- are ya happy now? Maybe you should just change your name to “HEREDITARY, HOLD MY BEER…” Folks, I can’t tell you how many nineties-era sitcoms with jaunty theme songs I had to watch just to regain a thimble full of equilibrium.

THE LODGE concerns a family who (for reasons I’ll never understand) celebrate Thanksgiving by hanging plastic roasted turkey ornaments outside and donning plastic roasted turkey hats. In other words, they are insane and are born to be insanity magnets and attract insanity wherever they go. Perhaps the only rational person presented is the mother played by the never lovelier, ALICIA SILVERSTONE who taps out of the nightmare universe this movie conjures as quickly as possible (via blowing her brains out). The empathy-free father decides a good way to celebrate Christmas with his two grief-stricken children is to force them into spending the holiday with his fiancé/mistress who just happens to be the emotionally fragile, lone surviving member of a death cult- and her dog Grady who is clearly named after the psycho caretaker in THE SHINING. After a near-death experience on a frozen lake, pop gets a call from work and supposes it’s totally cool to leave his children with someone they barely know and hold directly responsible for their mother’s early departure from this mortal coil. One evening, the trio makes the questionable decision to watch THE THING (1982) and JACK FROST (1998) back to back and for their folly wake up trapped in a purgatory chuck full of eerie occurrences that may or may not be hallucinations and a nonstop parade of ominous omens.

There are a couple of images in THE LODGE that I will likely drag with me to the grave and I don’t appreciate that. When it comes to choosing sides on the verdict of “boring” or “brilliant”, I’m going to have to begrudgingly lean toward “brilliant” simply because there were times during this movie in which I feared I myself might be dead and I had to resist the urge to stand up and scream until I was assisted out of the building. That said, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would ever subject myself to watching this movie again. It may have to be filed in the cursed movie file in my head along with DER TODESKING (‘90) and V.I. WARSHAWSKI (‘91). Then again, maybe I could watch this movie in the summer during a completely different mental state and find joy in its fragrant symbolism and wrecking ball pessimism. It should be said that that the performances in this movie are all top-notch. RILEY KEOUGH, as tortured Grace, compellingly rides a razor blade between sympathetic and off-putting and LIA McCUGH, as Mia, is heartbreaking and should be a shoo-in to play a young FLORENCE PUGH if there’s ever a MIDSOMMAR prequel.

I ultimately give this movie props for mercilessly ruffling my psychological feathers just as it intended to but can’t argue with anyone who finds it manipulative and heavy-handed as well. Love it or lump it, I think everyone can agree it’s a painful watch and a kick in the shins reminder that perhaps the only order to this world is the order you construct yourself. Now I’m off to punish myself further by watching the hell that is JACK FROST. It’s what I deserve. I must repent!

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Tags: General Horror · General Insanity

Gretel and Hansel (2020)

February 5th, 2020 · 9 Comments

Any time ALICE KRIGE appears in a horror movie it is an occasion for rejoicing. She’s one of the greatest character actresses who ever lived plus she’s got a near LON CHANEY-esque talent for meshing with monstrous roles. The KRIGE was all kinds of mesmerizing in GHOST STORY (‘81), seriously sinister in SLEEPWALKERS (‘92), ten tons of threatening in STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT (‘96) and magnificently mortifying in SILENT HILL (‘06). In GRETEL AND HANSEL, she takes on the role of Holda, a haggy archetypal fairy tale witch with cannibalistic tendencies and it’s her most gleefully despicable creation yet (if you don’t count Tully, the literary agent she portrayed in BARFLY (‘86)). Director OSGOOD PERKINS appears to fully appreciate winning the lottery in the casting department and wisely allows KRIGE to fully KRIGE and the uncanny end result is like an inevitable monument foretold in the stars. The fact that KRIDGE spends most of her time here psychologically sparring with the formidable aptness of SOPHIA LILLIS (IT: CHAPTERS 1 &2) as the titular Gretel is even more to be thankful for. GRETEL AND HANSEL is a smidge tottery at times and I can’t help craving it had a more robust right hook but I sense it accomplishes everything it sets out to do refreshingly unconcerned with audience expectations.

GRETEL AND HANSEL is much more like a trip to the art gallery than the amusement park (I might even say it’s more of a spell/hex than a film/movie) so if you prefer the latter you may want to skip it altogether. I found myself in a kind of hog heaven of sorts but must admit that the candle-lit cabin coziness of everything made me momentarily drowsy at times (that’s less of a complaint than it sounds). This movie is undeniably stunning on a visual level, absolutely gorgeous; a shoebox diorama filled with perfectly lit construction paper silhouettes. It’s like GUY MADDIN (CAREFUL (‘92)) playing WIN LOSE OR DRAW with ALEXANDRO JODOROWSKY (HOLY MOUNTAIN (‘73)) and the answer he’s trying to illustrate is ROB ZOMBIE’s LORDS OF SALEM. It’s as if THE WITCH (2015) and EYES OF FIRE (‘83) played hooky from school and did mushrooms while swinging in hammocks listening to THE COCTEAU TWINS. I can’t say no to this sort of thing! The soundtrack is by ROB, the same dude who did MANIAC (2012) for crying out loud! I’m starting to believe watching a movie is a lot like being hypnotized and we’re all susceptible to wildly different triggers and cues. This jaunt tugged all the correct occult harp strings in my spine and I tip my triangular Aleister Crowley cap to it. Maybe for its own sake, it should have thrown the audience a bone in the form of a more explosive climax but I guess that would have been against its very nature. As it stands, it’s a singular dark visual poem that sure to become a totem among the esoteric. Sure the story is sort of like a trail of breadcrumbs left for the birds but this crazy catalog of cursed eye-candy left me convinced that one truly arresting image may be worth more than some entire franchises.

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Tags: General Horror

Edge of the Axe (1988)

January 28th, 2020 · 4 Comments

If my faithful TV was a fancy nightclub and I was its bouncer, I swear I’d never card an eighties slasher movie. I’d let them ALL in with a wink and a nod even if they were visibly drunk and not wearing shoes. EDGE OF THE AXE (1988) is just such a hard to reject eighties slasher movie (although I hesitate to call it a slasher movie due to the fact that nobody gets slashed- they’re too busy getting chopped and hacked — and rather viciously I might add– to pieces). This flick is indeed partially goofy but that doesn’t curb its potent violent streak one iota. Directed by our old pal JOSE RAMON LARRAZ (he who gifted us with THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED, VAMPYRES and DEADLY MANOR among others), EDGE OF THE AXE relays the standard tale of two computer obsessed nerds who fall in love investigating a barrage of axe murders mostly aimed at the psychiatric community. There are oddball characters falling out of the woodwork and every single one of them seems like a viable suspect. I don’t suggest trying to decipher any possible clues in this random mystery, just sit back and enjoy the woodsy scenery, the instantly outdated technology, and the eerie omnipresence of orange SUNKIST soda cans.

EDGE OF THE AXE acts a lot like fellow Spanish-American co-production PIECES (1982). Maybe something was lost in the translation while these films were being made but they both end up being lovably quirky, oddly histrionic, and ultimately effectively brutal. EDGE’s white-faced killer is pretty darn scary at times and I’ll also say alarmingly enthusiastic. Not only does this flick not shy away from gory kills it also doesn’t flinch when revealing the aftermath (there’s at least one applause-worthy severed head found floating in the lake). As creepy as the white-masked murderer may be, he’s got nothing on the free-floating computer voice that allows the two main characters to communicate with each other. It’s the strangest thing; every time something is typed onto a computer screen, it is read aloud by a voiceover that I’m guessing is supposed to sound robotic but sounds bored instead. It’s off-putting and clumsily done but of course, endearing as well. I’m unsure but it’s possible that this movie invented texting.

EDGE OF THE AXE is available thanks to the fine folks at ARROW who consistently knock it out of the park in regards to releasing idiosyncratic obscurities ripe for wider notoriety. The Blu-Ray’s got some lovely new cover art by Justin Osbourne, liner notes by our beloved chum Amanda Reyes and a commentary by the always brilliant, Hysteria Continues. As someone who has only seen the movie on VHS, I gotta say the 2k restoration looks amazing. It’s such a handsome, generous package overall that I’m going to overlook the fact that this movie shamelessly kills a doggie and an innocent pig for no reason. For all its sloppy faults it can’t help being a delicious horror hoagie stuffed with a to-die-for synth score, old school gore, a masked killer, buckets of red herrings, romantic meet-cutes that involve changing light bulbs, dead bodies crammed in attics, ancient computer espionage, weird dubbing, and random Dudley Do-Right sightings. It takes a long route to get nowhere but its vivid murders scenes are worth the ride alone and really, you should have vowed to buy this movie at any cost as soon as I compared it to PIECES.

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Tags: General Horror

The Prodigy (2019)

January 23rd, 2020 · 3 Comments

Dear THE PRODIGY, this hurts me more than it hurts you. I hate writing negative reviews. I feel guilty afterward. Creating anything is admirable and dismissing someone’s hard work is not cool. On the other hand, I’d hate for people to think I’m a chump who falls for anything. Plus, maybe disliking some movies helps to accentuate the love you have for other movies? Hmm, maybe. I didn’t dig THE PRODIGY. It wasn’t my cup of tea. O.K., I hated it. Which is kinda crazy because I basically love all killer kid movies, even lesser ones like DADDY’S GIRL (‘96), THE PAPERBOY (‘94) and MILO (‘98). I should have been such easy pickins’! PRODIGAL SON couldn’t even sell me on the idea of reincarnation when I already pretty much believe in it. They actually changed my mind in the reverse direction. Now the idea just seems silly. I do now believe in emotional vampires though because THE PRODIGY left me feeling zapped out, tired and vaguely depressed. It’s a borderline distasteful joyless dirge. There’s no fun to be had here. It’s funless. My favorite thing about THE PRODIGY is that it makes me appreciate THE ORPHAN (2009) even more. THE ORPHAN is brilliant. Love that movie.

There’s gotta be something more positive I can say. I guess the cinematography is pretty slick and…consistent. JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT (who played Georgie in IT) is a decent actor, can’t blame him. The guy who played the hand-stealing killer (PAUL FAUTEUX) that the kid is possessed by was suitably creepy. TAYLOR SHILLING of ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK plays the mom. I usually like her and know she can act but I don’t think the director (NICHOLAS McCARTHY who did THE PACT (2012)- which is great) did her many favors here; she mostly just makes distorted faces and strained grimaces. I’ll just point an accusatory finger at the writer (JEFF BUHLER, the same chap who wrote the PET SEMATARY remake that was only so-so) because there seems to be something wrong with this house on a structural level. For example, this movie gives away a juicy plot point that could have been saved for a later shocking revelation in its opening scene. It’s annoying. THE PRODIGY only has so much Halloween candy to give out and it’s like it gives half of the bowl to the first trick-or-treater that knocks on its door. Then it’s like out of candy before the night is over and soon all it can do is hand out pennies and coupons and gross Mary Janes. Maybe I watched this movie too soon after I viewed the wonderful UNDERWATER and it just paled by comparison? Would I like it better with a re-watch? Nah, I’m going to give THE PRODIGY my worst possible verdict by saying I’m never going to watch it again and I have no desire to buy a used copy of it from Redbox for $3.99.

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Tags: General Horror

Underwater (2020)

January 15th, 2020 · 6 Comments

Once upon a time when I was a little kid living in sunny California, an older neighbor dude kindly offered to teach my two older brothers and me how to use a scuba tank in our pool! Obviously it was the most exciting proposition human ears had ever heard. Firstly though, the neighbor insisted on giving us a few safety tips. He then went on to explain that if a person were to come out of the water too quickly an air bubble would get in their brain and they’d die instantly. Say what now? My two older brothers were unmoved by this information and gamely tried the scuba tank out but when it came to my turn I was way too terrified to proceed. If mistakes were possible then I would certainly be the one to make them and I didn’t want to die in my own pool. In retrospect, I doubt I could have met my demise under so much supervision in the great depths of a merely six-foot deep pool but the guy had freaked me out so badly that there was no way I was going to take any chances. All this to say that UNDERWATER sorta hit me where I live from the get-go. I felt like I was holding my breath for two hours and I even worried that I am now at the age when a heart attack is a very real possibility.

UNDERWATER is a legitimately awesome mash-up of horror, sci-fi and disaster flick that really deserves a better title (I’ve come up with PRESSURE, BREATHE and THE DEPTHS OF HELL). It has already been completely dismissed by critics and audiences alike but that only puts it in the same company as THE THING, BLADE RUNNER and (yay) DEEP RISING (to name but a few). I guess I don’t exactly have my finger on the pulse of the nation because I absolutely dug it from ocean floor to ceiling. Besides being a non-stop thrill ride, it played me like a fiddle when it came to addressing issues like getting over a loved one’s death and the simple human art of always moving forward no matter how bleak things appear. There were also some nice nods to ALICE IN WONDERLAND (drowning in tears, “we’re all mad here” graffiti and a plush white toy rabbit) that I greatly approved of. Plus it’s got a sense of wonder and it’s often difficult to determine whether what you are beholding is hideous or beautiful. That’s a space I can’t resist.

UNDERWATER is the type of movie that had me physically straining my eyes to SEE more. There are all these murky depths and grainy textures and things flow in and out of frame in a magical way. The brightest bursts of fluorescent color occur in fields of gray-grunge and I thought it was all very painterly for an action dispenser. Without ruining anything, I simply was not prepared for the colossal scope the movie is ultimately capable of delivering. I found the climax to be pretty much breathtaking. The cast is uniformly excellent too with KRISTEN STEWART delivering a strangely calming resolve, the great VINCENT CASSEL as a deeper than you’d think captain and T.J. MILLER as the requisite sarcastic comic relief (props to JESSICA HENWICK, JOHN GALLAGHER JR. and poor, poor MAMOUDOU ATHIE as well). Don’t listen to anybody who carps about the characters being slight. I think if you actually listen to them and hear their backstories and motivations, they’re built about as well as they can be considering the time restraints. I’m sure they’ll only strengthen and gel further with multiple viewings.

UNDERWATER is way more original than it will ever be given credit for. Sure, it’s impossible to ignore its debt to ALIEN but geez, I’m fine with that. ALIEN owes IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE (1958) several beers and we all stand on the shoulders of those who came before us. Bring on a dozen more movies with such noble aspirations! I’m all on board. I proudly go on record saying that I adored UNDERWATER not as “schlocky fun” or a “guilty pleasure” but as a well-made survival adventure film (and perhaps the very first undersea creature feature that’s not stingy with its monster(s)). It’s a heart-pounding dive that doesn’t mind contemplating humanity’s arrogant need to elbow its way into spaces that we don’t belong and it doesn’t shirk away from the emotional ramifications of death. This is colossal, Lovecraftian-sized spellbinding horror. Trust me, you’re going to be sorry if you miss it while it’s playing on the big screen.

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Tags: General Horror

Unk’s Favorite Horror Films of the Last Decade

December 31st, 2019 · 18 Comments

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Tags: General Horror · Holidays

Black Christmas (2019)

December 18th, 2019 · 14 Comments

I was excited when I heard Blumhouse was going to remake BLACK CHRISTMAS considering the respectful way they were able to help the HALLOWEEN franchise up on its feet and send it in a well-received and fruitful direction. Then the trailer popped up online and my faith buckled a bit because it looked sorta drab and it couldn’t stop telling on itself. I refused to give up the ghost entirely though because I recalled how I judged the 2006 remake too harshly at first and then went on to learn to love its various charms and ignore its bizarre missteps. Well, it turns out the ill feelings the trailer left me with were sort of prophetic. After an enjoyably retro campus-slasher opening, it manages to be sufficiently entertaining for some time only to careen full force into a stupendously silly conclusion. I wish I could say its fearlessly off the wall wind-up rendered it goofy fun but since it spends much time gnawing serious issues early on, it feels more like self-sabotage.

This modern take got a lot of grief online for daring to be clear about its feminist viewpoint. As someone who grew up thinking the Bionic Woman was way cooler than the Six Million Dollar Man, I don’t really understand how female empowerment ruffles fan-boy feathers. I don’t believe BLACK CHRISTMAS does itself any harm by simply laying its ideas/ammo on the table, I just wish it was a surer shot when it came to taking down its adversaries. I very much enjoyed seeing professional contrarian Camille Paglia taken to task (she was a customer at my video store and truly the most atrocious individual I’ve ever encountered of any gender) but I felt some cringe when it came to the handling of the main character’s past rape. Riley (IMOGENE POOTS) is fortunate to have a championing support group but I have to question the thoughtlessness of her gal pals badgering her to preform a parody of “Up on the House Top” with jokey lyrics addressing date rape in front of her very rapist. One of her chums even tells her “you won” afterwards which I found even more bothersome (though that may have been the intention). Later when we find out what’s actually causing the rash of murders, it renders the culprits somewhat inculpable and I’m not sure how I felt about that either. I guess that I dug that it talked the talk but felt that it walked the walk rather clumsily (plus I feel like I’ve seen the rallying finale done way better in countless episodes of BUFFY.)

On the plus side, POOTS is impeccable. She somehow breathes pure life into uneven material and it’s easy to find yourself caring about her fate. There’s also more than a few moments that successfully conjure up the atmosphere of a classic eighties slasher and it’s clear director SOPHIA TAKAL and co-writer APRIL WOLFE have genuine affection for such films. It’s almost sad to think how much better the movie could have been if it just spoke its mind and drove straight ahead rather than making a u-turn into the supernatural zone. I suppose we’d still have to deal with its glaring seams. As nicely orchestrated as much is, there are large ragged chunks crammed with awkward voiceovers and an over reliance on flashbacks to clarify important plot-points. I don’t mind the PG- 13 rating (I’ll always be grateful for my G-rated teen experience with ‘82s ONE DARK NIGHT) but this film’s editing almost physically hurts as it strains to show just enough and has to snap away just when you’re getting a splinter of visual information.

Gripes aside, there’s no way around the fact that I have a serious soft spot for Christmas set horror films and BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘19) was at least kind enough to toss me plenty of snow, twinkling lights and even a crystal unicorn cameo. Could I grow to enjoy it like the last redo simply for being its own faulty, semi-original self (not sure how “original” a movie can claim to be when it involves that evil catch-all, black goo)? It’s possible, I guess (especially if an R-rated version materializes). I did dig a fair share of the ride and even when it’s tripping over its own feet, it’s at least thought provoking. As for now, I’ve got to call out its wobbly nature. I certainly didn’t hate it as much as the audience member who stood up at the end and declared that it was the “worst movie ever.” I thought that particular naysayer was a bit over the top but I do applaud her for voicing her opinion.

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Tags: General Horror