kindertrauma

Category: General Horror

Maniac (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The other day I came across an article in which the author was wondering if there might be anything to gain from watching a movie more than once. I would have read it but I had better things to do, like watch a movie that I had seen before. I've viewed MANIAC (1980) way more than three times over the years but here is a list of three significantly different experiences that I've had with the exact same WILLIAM LUSTIG film.

ONCE (1981-ish)

This movie is horrifying. It's like watching a catastrophe unfold while laying helplessly in a coma. Is it X-rated? Are there brakes on this VHS player? MANIAC is basically steamrolling over me. I'm no stranger to slasher flicks but this is something different. There is a wild seedy energy and seemingly no moral code. How can things go back to normal in this MANIAC universe when they were so fucked up and feral to begin with? There is no sweet final girl to chill with. CAROLINE MUNRO's character Anna has come to the party tardy and it's too late- I'm already trapped within crazy Frank Zito's twisted, unpredictable brain…I was later to see things differently but I remember being completely repulsed by JOE SPINELL when I first took in MANIAC. He was like an unhinged, quivering mass of whiney, sweaty corruption. I wasn't such a wilting flower that I could not see that the special effects were incredibly awesome (I rewound SAVINI blowing his own brains out a few times) buy the overall undiluted sleaze on display turned my stomach. I was never going to live in the city…ever! People must be nuts to live there! I decided to hang the poster on my wall just to let people know that I walked through this perverted subway tunnel and made it out alive. Boy, did I think Zito's living space was creepy.

THEN (1994-ish)

My best friend got a laserdisc player! He also bought a laserdisc of MANIAC! You don't understand, the picture and sound quality is way better than VHS and it's even in its proper aspect ratio! It's like seeing it in the theater and for the first time! Wow, I totally recognize that porn star! "Going to a Showdown" has got to be the best song ever! Haha. This is so retro eighties. I should move to New York. I've always wanted to live there! At this point MANIAC is the ultimate midnight cult movie, so much decadent fun. Did I just laugh my way through a film that once pummeled me in the face? I was later to see things differently but I remember thinking JOE SPINELL was some kind of clown genius. He was so charming with his funny voices and suddenly it wasn't so crazy to me that CAROLINE MUNRO would go on a date with him. Who wouldn't, he's a card! I thought I'd buy a MANIAC t-shirt so folks understood how edgy I am. This movie is a hoot! Rewind that head explosion again! Awesome moustache SAVINI! Boy did I think Zito's living space was cool.

NOW– (2012ish)

MANIAC is so deep. How sad it all is. I should probably spring for the Blu-ray. My old DVD looks better in the PS3 than that slightly more bleached out version on Netflix Streaming. Did people really think MANIAC was misogynistic? Get a grip. This poor guy is sick. He needs help. His mother abused him and he can't get over the feeling of abandonment spurred by her death. He wants to freeze time so things don't change. He thinks by killing these women he can somehow keep them with him forever. There really are serial killers like that! MANIAC is smart and serious. Look at New York; I'm so glad I never moved there. I think I could marry JOE SPINELL. He may not be the best actor in the world, but he's so committed and sincere. It's so sad he's dead and that he never got to do the MANIAC sequel he wanted to. I'm totally ordering THE LAST HORROR SHOW from Amazon; I have not seen that in a while and I love it. They're going to do a remake of MANIAC? How are they going to do that? You know what? I think JOE would really like that idea. They probably would have invited him to the premiere and he would have been so proud. Man, it's so depressing how things change and time moves on but I guess you gotta go with the flow. That's really what MANIAC is about after all. It's not just some gross decadent special effects showcase; it's not some nostalgic freak show to watch while drunk. People think they can buy the poster or the T-shirt of this movie and that means that they "get it" but they don't, not really. It's really very poignant. Boy does Zito's living space look like my own.

OK maybe I was exaggerating for effect and poking fun at myself in that last one but you get the idea. I guess what I'm saying to the guy whose article I was too busy to read is, YES you should watch a movie more than once! You're sure to pick up stuff you missed and perhaps larger themes will become apparent. More importantly the movie may not change but YOU sure as hell will. Truth is, young me was right, MANIAC is frickin' scary and not so young me was right, it is oddly funny and poor now me is right too- it is tragic and melancholy too. I look forward to finding out what older me thinks. Movies can capture a certain time or place but they are never truly frozen because each time we visit them, they come alive again and take different forms. If they were mannequins, they'd be the kind that come alive and throttle you… even if only in your head.

Frank Zito: People die. But in a picture or painting, they're yours forever.

Anna D'Antoni: There's no way you can possess someone forever. Even in a photograph, there's no way.

Hell Night (1981)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

HELL NIGHT (1981) is shamefully underrated and I wonder what kind of drugs you'd have to be on to not see how superior it is to the films it's usually lumped with. It's often painted as a HALLOWEEN also-ran but it does so much to distinguish itself from the fly by nights of its day that it should be considered a classic in its own right. The set –up is certainly simple but the execution is remarkable. It has a structure all its own and the cinematography, the direction and the score severely surpass what it's given credit for. I can understand that its lack of T&A and gore could have left young audiences back in ‘81 feeling disgruntled, but its multitude of other attributes should be crystal clear by now.

I've written about HELL NIGHT a couple times before; once over at Retro Slashers and once for the book "Butcher Knives and Body Counts" (which is really good even if I'm in it!) Because of that I thought I might skip this FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB selection but wait, I still have more to say about HELL NIGHT. There's still so much I love about it that I have yet to mention. Every time I take a trip to Garth Manor, I find a different room.

HELL NIGHT is about four pledges who spend the night in a mansion as part of an initiation. The place is rumored to be haunted thanks to a dark history. A father so sickened by his children who were all born with deformities killed his entire family there save for one, whom he forced to witness the act. Not all of the bodies were recovered and legend has it that the surviving son still lurks about. The pledges are locked on the property behind a massive razor sharp gate and pranks are planned to make their stay as uncomfortable as possible. The house itself is goth –glorious both inside and out; trap doors, secret passages, underground tunnels, a garden maze; it's all there. Everything is filmed in deep rich tones framed by inky shadows and broken up by glowing candlelight. The pledge kids are dressed in classical costumes from variant eras. Everything adds up to a horror lovers dream come true.

The four pledges form one of the most endearing casts you'll find in any slasher. LINDA BLAIR as Marti Gaines is impossibly adorable with her chirpy voice and before she discovers her true mettle, she is refreshingly freaked. PETER BARTON, as potential beau Jeff Reed, is relatively dull but his misbegotten old school chivalry makes up for it. Marti and Jeff's budding relationship is unusual in how sweetly romantic it is. We're invested in these characters not simply because we get to know them but because we're allowed to witness the fortuitousness of them getting to know each other. A wonderful scene occurs between the two as they connect by trading childhood traumas. As a kid Marti believes she encountered a witch and in turn Jeff recalls chancing upon an elf. The two decide that their joint histories dealing with unreal beings make them both weirdoes and that as such, they should stick together. Forget every bullshit thing you ever heard about virgins surviving in slasher films. It's the outsider who lives. The one who sees more.

VINCENT VAN PATTEN as Seth and SUKI GOODWIN as Denise are meant to illustrate a more carnal side of the same romantic coin but they are both so goofy and good-natured that they only read as charming free spirits. Their "sex" scene is nothing more than a cartoon pantomime that ends in a giggle fit. As rowdy as HELL NIGHT might try to present itself in its opening scenes, there's no mistaking the fact that its heart beats to a corny, old-fashioned drum that was atypical of its time. It's almost like a film from the fifties dressed up like a film from the eighties. In fact, HELL NIGHT with its characters playing house within an empty mansion and its themes of breaking away from parental expectation could be said to strongly shadow REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.

HELL NIGHT is directed by TOM DeSIMONE and his work is impressive throughout and simply brilliant on several occasions. Let me point out a couple scenes that I think deserve high praise.

GOODWIN's Denise is sprawled out on a bed waiting for Seth to return. This shot is composed like a painting and you get lost in just how good she looks. You can't help it. Then we get the most abrupt and terrifying pullback view of the monster standing over, dwarfing her while she still lays unaware. It's such a strong bait and switch. There is no way to prepare. The viewer is sneakily lulled by one piece of the puzzle and then taken off guard by the bigger picture. Blink and you'll miss it but it's grand.

Marti and Jeff have found a safe zone. He's got a pitch fork ready to do battle if need be and she's taking a breather on the bed. They're safe as houses and snug as bugs. Then we see what they do not. At first it makes no logical sense but the carpet is rising. Eventually we'll discover that there is a trap door in the floor that the monster is (slowly!) making his way through but for those first moments it's impossible to comprehend. Is it supernatural? Another prank? We don't know but whatever sense of safety we might have had is completely shattered.

There is a sequence toward the climax that never fails to excite me. It's as if all the fine elements that have been floating throughout the film collide in one second.VAN PATTEN's Seth returns to Garth Manor convinced he has destroyed the terrorizing monster. In a flash he is yanked off screen. The shotgun he was yielding fires a shot offstage and then flies toward the front door. It lands, it spins on the floor and stalls perfectly aligned with a light shaft. BLAIR's Marti, who had been hiding her face, nuzzled in BARTON's side swiftly jerks her head to look in fear. The head turn is sublimely synchronized with a pitch perfect musical cue from composer DAN WYMAN and it's a thing of perfection. Gold!

Oh there's so much more; the rapping on the window that turns out to be a toy parrot, leaving a corpse behind that has the keys to the front gate, the twisting underground tunnels, the high stakes rooftop escape. It goes on and on. I admit there are some things that may come off more muddled then they should but they are easily cleared up if you watch close (and often) enough. Really this movie is such a rarity not only for its time, but for any time. It's gorgeously shot and it has wonderful characters and if it should happen to be a bit far fetched sometimes well, welcome to the world of film. There are long moments of stillness in HELL NIGHT that probably come across as slow to some today but I love the patience shown and frankly when I'm in Garth Manor, I like to take my time and stay as long as possible.

Because HELL NIGHT borrows heartily from classic, old dark house flicks it's often mistakenly seen as derivative. The past is not mere window dressing here though, bygone eras and ideas are the source of the horror. Much is made of both Marti and Jeff's family backgrounds, each are quick to point out that their lineage does not define them. Garth Manor is a place where the inhabitants have failed to escape the family fold. The monsters Marti and Jeff must battle are creatures trapped inside the boundaries set by their parentage. It's a conflict that many young people engage in on a smaller, less gruesome scale everyday. It's fitting that in the end the greatest threat is destroyed by an iron fence that encircles the estate, a confining line drawn by its ancestry. When day comes, Marti has won more than just her life; she has won the right to any life she chooses regardless of her upbringing. She turns her back to outdated limitations and walks forward.

Maybe I'm imagining that last part but I'm not imaging this: Garth Manor later went on to star in the Fleetwood Mac video "Big Love." Yay Garth Manor! You are hotter than any Robert Palmer chick! Dance, Garth Manor, dance!

It's a Wonderful Remake!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Remember how we were just talking about how crummy the world would be without sequels? Well, I think it would be even worse without the even more maligned remake. Sorry, but some of my very best friends are remakes! There are many opportunities with remakes to expand upon ideas and to accomplish things previously impossible and, contrary to popular opinion, remakes do not have the power to jump in a time machine and assassinate the films they are based on and then steal their positions in the universe. So again, here comes a magic meteor to erase all remakes from existence! What a lesser world we'd be living in without the films below! (Feel free to add your favorites.)

THE THING (1982)

This one here is a no-brainer of course and please excuse me for stating the obvious. Sure, when this now beloved classic hit theaters most people were either not interested or saw is as a special effects laden insult to the longer titled, 1951 film based on JOHN W. CAMPBELL's "Who Goes There?" This movie is a fine example of why you should never take any critic's opinion as gospel. Sometimes greatness is particularly hard to identify because it walks so far ahead of the pack.

THE FLY (1986)

The original THE FLY (1958) will always be creepy fun but DAVID CRONENBERG was able to take a semi-hokey premise and graft upon it adult themes that would have never flown decades before. 1986's THE FLY oozes with visuals that the previous incarnation wouldn't dare imagine but it's also one the best relationship movies of any genre if you ask me.

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978)

Movies don't get much more brilliant than this and no it does not step on the toes of the 1956 predecessor in any way, shape or form. Those worried that substandard rehashes will mar the memory of superior source material take heart, nobody much recalls the 2007 pod people attack on NICOLE KIDMAN called INVASION.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)

In my brain, TOBE HOOPER's TCM may be more of an absolute masterpiece than any of the films I've mentioned thus far. I don't think a film could capture horror in any purer form unless you could somehow get the Devil himself behind the camera. The 2003 version is nowhere near the same ballpark but for a mainstream flick sporting an attractive cast, it threw down the gauntlet and brought the ugly back. Over stylized though it may be, after years of clean-cut mall horror, its successful celebration of the sick, depraved and undoubtedly stinky hacked a path that allowed more aggressive horror to be made. Sure I could probably live without this one but could I live without all the films that were green-lit because of it? Nope.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)

Did this really happen? I'm still pinching myself. The original is one of my favorite slashers. I never dared dream that it would be remade or even remembered outside of nerdy horror circles. Not only was it made but it also stars TOM ATKINS and it's in 3-D. It even spurred a re-release of the original film on DVD with all of the deleted gore that I only ever fantasized about seeing returned. Oh yeah, it's a good movie too and I've watched it more times than I can count now. So let me make sure I've got the math right; this film brought back a favorite horror character (Harry Warden), actor (ATKINS) format (3-D sorry, haters) and resurrected the original film in its complete and intended form and it's entertaining as hell to boot. Yep, lots to bitch about here.

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

A couple of years I ago I would have told you to stick this remake in a rocket and shoot it towards the sun but only after dousing it in turpentine first. Now I'm all obsessed with it. If I told you I watched it twice this past holiday season I lied. It was three times. Maybe I developed a sense of humor or maybe I realized that remaking BLACK CHRISTMAS ('74) wasn't quite the same thing as wallpapering over the Sistine Chapel. Who knew that when I searched my heart I would find that I had enough faith in the value of the original to believe it strong enough to withstand whatever was thrown at it? My childhood memories are not damaged, my life goes on as it did, except now I have this other really funny version of BLACK CHRISTMAS to enjoy every year along with the first.

THE RING/THE BLOB (2002/1988)

I like both these remakes better than the originals. I mean c'mon, among other things, the first RING has no NAOMI WATTS and the first BLOB is ruefully SHAWNEE SMITH-free. Nuff' said.

PSYCHO (1998)

I agree that this is a terrible, wretched remake but I do not agree that it should have never been made. What person interested in film would not want to at least try to sit through this failed experiment at least once? Watching a shot-for-shot remake with none of the original film's soul present or accounted for makes one appreciate the wondrous artistry that made the first film so dynamic. Plus if you want to fully grasp just what an incredible actor ANTHONY PERKINS was then, you need only observe a moment of VINCE VAUGHN. Sure it's torture but suffering leads to knowledge! Actually, I just had to put this up here to mortify those who might only be scanning the titles.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)

I admit the holed up people in the mall are absolute morons for allowing that obvious zombie woman in the wheelbarrow into the place but that goof aside, this remake is non-stop cool from beginning to end. Truly, it leaves most zombie movies in the dust in its first fifteen minutes.

THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

I wonder if there were die hard fans of the 1910 take on FRANK L. BAUM's book that balked and cried when they heard there was going to be a fancy new fangled 1925 version. Did madly passionate fans of the 1925 version cringe and spew bile when they read on the Internet that a new version was being made in 1939? (Please, if you are now thinking of leaving a comment explaining to me that the Internet did not exist in 1925- don't do it, I beg you!)

It's a nice thing that fans are so passionate about their favorite films and it's a real shame that sometimes remakes don't turn out as good as they might. Still, I think people are a little nutso with how close-minded they can be and I wonder if maybe having their identity too wrapped up in stuff that they can't claim ownership of in the first place is the real problem. These movies belong to all of us and I don't mind my share being explored in new and different ways before I croak. You never know which ones are going to be excel and really nobody has the right to say there's no place like home until they're brave enough to journey somewhere else.

The Woman In Black (2012)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Traveling to the movie theater this aftern0on I said to myself "Lancey" — that's what I call myself – "if you're going to jump ship the first time a rotten looking CGI ghost appears, then turn right around and don't bother." Guess what though? I didn't have to worry, THE WOMAN IN BLACK is not as CGI-heavy as the commercials might have you believe. I'm thinking some of the TV spots have been tinkered with and exaggerated because on the big screen, everything looks mostly kosher and solid. In fact, this is a great looking film. Even if there was no story or sound, I could probably watch this thing as a slide show. It's very Goth-centric and chilly with fog, rain and marshy mildew all over the place. In other words, this is that dusty-doily type of spook show that I love and am always in the mood for. As far as I'm concerned, the world can keep its torture and rape and I'll take all the wind up monkeys that come to life for no reason.

This movie terrified me from the onset with the notion that DANIEL RADCLIFFE was old enough to be the father of a four year old. Wasn't he a kid two days ago? Talk about chilling. I'm really getting old! I'm going to be dead soon! After drilling that horrific idea into my head, the movie shoved a funnel in the open wound and began to pour all of my favorite depressing things inside: death, loss, suicide, hangings, the idea that a person could be so destroyed by an event that they never recover or so trapped in the molasses of grief that they end up haunting themselves, etc. This is my jam and I'm doing the twist in my head and I'm doing that twist to early records by THE CURE.

I was very lucky that a gaggle of young girls who I suspect were RADCLIFFE fans sat a couple rows behind me. The only other people in the theater were an older couple to my right. The teenagers had a blast screaming at every loud noise or appearance of the title apparition. One of them was fake crying through the heavier scares. I kept thinking, "Thank God it's not a group of boys behind me because they would have to prove how unscarable they are to each other and ruin the whole thing." I'm not going to tell you anymore. It's a movie about a guy and a ghost, a ghost who has a hard time forgiving. It takes place in a small town where only one person has a newfangled car. There are beautiful houses in it covered in vines and there are a couple scenes that are pretty flipping creepy.

If you are a fan of THE OTHERS or THE CHANGELING, you'll probably like this. There are a couple of great moments that might remind you of THE INNOCENTS and a couple of weak spots that may remind you of hokier more modern fare like DARNESS FALLS. Those lesser moments are brief, so who cares! Sorry if this review is lame but I wanted to get it done quick so that if anyone was on the fence about seeing it, I could push him or her off and say, "Go ahead!" This review could also be lame because I am now having a beer and yes, definitely listening to THE CURE! (Not doing the twist though.)

P.S.: This movie was directed by the same guy (JAMES WATKINS) who did EDEN LAKE which I approve of. He also wrote THE DESCENT 2 which I didn't care for but maybe the director of that one screwed it up. The screenplay was written by JANE GOLDMAN (KICK ASS) based on the novel by SUSAN HILL. There, now I feel better.

It's A Wonderful Sequel!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Folks are always so crabby about sequels but the darn things have given me more than they have taken away and therefore I will always defend them. In fact, any time somebody says they hate a person, place or thing, I always wish I could send them into an alternate "It's a Wonderful Life!" type dimension where the source of their scorn does not exist and see how well they fare there. No, sequels are not always good but that bath water you just dumped out? There was a baby in there! Holy crap! You just killed a baby. As for me, if a magic meteor hit the planet and erased all sequels, here are the ten things that I would miss the most and immediately. Feel free to add what you would miss in the comments section!

THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935)

I'm not alone in thinking I might like this sequel better than the film it sprung from. Doctor Preterious is a real hoot and if sequels didn't exist, I'm afraid UNA O'CONNOR as Minnie would disappear too! That's no good. And by the by, if you hate gay people then I must send you to a dimension where neither of the first two FRANKENSTEINs exist (as we know them) and guess what- there's no HELLRAISER, CHUCKY or KRISTY MCNICHOL there either. It's basically the lamest dimension ever.

PSYCHO II (1983)

PSYCHO is just the type of movie that nobody should be brave enough to wish a sequel for and yet sequels for it do exist and I think Part 2 is absolutely excellent. Some people think the less you know about a killer the more potent the horror but I, again, say hogwash to that. I'm grateful I got to see another side of Norman Bates (ANTHONY PERKINS). His relationship with Mary (MEG TILLY) who learns to have sympathy for the man she was raised to hate is one of my favorites in all of horror.

ALIENS (1986)

Everybody knows ALIENS is white-hot awesome but think of it this way; what if the character of Bishop never existed to prove that not all androids want to shove magazines down your throat? What if we never got to see Ripley's maternal instinct make the lateral jump from cat lover to child saver? Yikes, I could have possibly ended up a PAUL REISER fan if this movie didn't thoroughly convince me that he was a wretched person!

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987)

I'm sorry but the original ELM STREET only has its originality to boast over Part 3. Really can we just use this movie as a permanent template for what a sequel could and should be? What a great idea to get talented people with imaginations that actually like horror films to helm this project rather than just any available schlub! Hollywood write that concept down on a post-it and put it on your fridge. Say it after me, "There are no bad sequels, only bad filmmakers."

HALLOWEEN II (2009)

Back up townspeople! I can wave a torch too! Allow me to momentarily pretend that I have respect for those who don't get this movie. If you want to see the most tragic death ever presented in a slasher film, it's here. I guess not everybody is comfortable with a director pushing the boundaries of what a slasher film can convey and that's their prerogative. I've watched this every Halloween since it has come out and this year I found out- so does my niece! Hmmm, maybe you have to come from a weird family to fully appreciate this movie. I say that as a joke but I may be on to something. As long as I'm talking HALLOWEEN sequels, I should also add that HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982) is a vital part of my world.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (1981)

Thank God the Internet as it is presently was not around when this came out! I can hear the gripes now, "How could they kill Alice?" "Jason can't be alive!" "How come what I imagined in my head is not what is on the screen?!" If FRIDAY neglected to stomp forward into Part 2, I'd have never known Ginny Field! And if it didn't go on even further, I would have lost my pals Shelly, Tommy Jarvis and Maddy! Good God, Tina's mom would be dust in the wind! What a horrible concept! Why am I torturing myself with these nightmare visions!

EXORCIST III (1990)

This title surely produced instant snickers after EXORCIST II: THE HYSTERICAL but surprise it has one of the scariest scenes ever and it employed both BRAD DOURIF and VIVECA LINDFORS of CREEPSHOW, so that's enough for me.

8 EVIL DEAD 2/DAWN OF THE DEAD (1987/1978)

Well this should hit the stock horror fan right where they live. Can you imagine a world where these two didn't exist? T-shirt, poster and DVD companies would go belly up and countless basement bedrooms would flood with tears! Hell, if these two horror gateway drugs didn't exist you could probably say goodbye to half the horror fans out there! Me, I'd miss the flying eyeball and that guy whose head gets shortened by a helicopter blade.

CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)

Aw, this is one of my favorite movies from my youth and it's a perfect example that a sequel can be its own beast and doesn't necessarily have to be a weak rehash of the original. This is another one that I like just as much as the first and it routinely gets short changed just for being inspired by something that previously existed. I ask you what movie out there can really claim to be wholly fresh and not influenced by anything that existed before it? I don't know what sun you live under but there's nothing new under the one above me. Although I have to say springtime in February is novel.

FINAL DESTINATION 5 (2011)

I think the most fun I had in an actual movie theater this year was seeing FINAL DESTINATION 5. For pure enjoyment value alone, it left most of the better-reviewed horror flicks looking pretty damn dingy to me. I have to give this movie some accolades for not only injecting pure adrenaline into a faultering franchise, but also for proving that the cynical ceiling built by negative naysayers is all in their minds. Truth is, it's never too late to make something worthwhile and not everybody has to love something to validate its existence. Just one fan blindly smitten or one afternoon spent contentedly lost inside the movie screen is worth it. I'm not exaggerating when I say I think it's a valuable life lesson to realize that even after the crappiest installment a stellar one can still follow.

So I say hug a sequel today and the next time you decide to rag on something imagine the poor world without it instead. Also don't choke people with rolled up magazines…ever.

The Relic (1997)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Okay, so it's zero o'clock in the nothingness and I want to watch a movie but my brain is begging for a low impact workout and not to be needlessly jerked around. I can't afford another highly praised slab of nonsense that leaves me feeling like I'm the last bitter survivor of a dead world. Hey now, what's that crusty object I see hidden and tucked away beneath a pile of army blankets in the HBO On Demand drawer? Why it's 1997's THE RELIC and in HD no less! Hmmm, I have not seen this one in ages and my previous experiences with it teetered on semi ho-hum and yet…it's perfect for right now.

See, this is why I'm never too hard on semi-successful monster flicks with dubious plots; I know one day, sooner or later, I'll need it more than it will need me. I want to see some heads roll, some doors banged in. I want a creature feature mashed up with a disaster flick. I want the monster to time his attack during a posh museum gala that the mayor has an invitation to! The Mayor of Chicago no less! Somebody somewhere at some time had the bright idea of casting a 60 million dollar production with PENELOPE ANN MILLER, TOM SIZEMORE and LINDA HUNT and that person owns a piece of my heart forever. No time for popcorn. Where's that half eaten bag of goldfish crackers?

I know I'd struck gold when I saw that four people wrote the screenplay. THE RELIC is about a box of contaminated leaves that gets sent to a museum and the monster that wants to eat those leaves but will eat people's brains instead if he can't. I'm sure the book it's based on is more complicated than that but that's of no concern to me now. SIZEMORE is a cop with hokey cop dialogue, MILLER is a evolutionary biologist who takes her heels off when necessary and LINDA HUNT is the no nonsense head of the museum who gets laughs by cursing and firing people when shit goes down. There's even a nemesis character of MILLER'S who acts all snidely throughout until he's chomped on and, as if God really does love me, AUDRA LINDLEY shows up as a coroner in need of a drummer to punctuate her observations with rimshots. I pray that some day I stumble across a decapitated corpse so that I can steal her joke, "Don't you hate people who take head and don't give it?" If only there was a way to know which of writers involved was responsible for that! That's just too rich!

THE RELIC comes courtesy of director PETER HYAMS who somehow directed both OUTLAND and STAY TUNED. It's got a unique look to it as there are a zillion light flares hitting the camera and it could actually be the darkest movie ever made this side of HUMONGOUS. I found that resisting the darkness got me nowhere, so I decided to embrace it and then ended up pleased. People's faces just dissolve into the scenery and sometimes you get the sense that you are either going blind or your T.V. is on the fritz. Still, not being able to quite make everything out adds a kind of nightmare quality too. VHS and standard DVD probably did this joint little favors but this shit's slick in HD. I recall thinking that the creature effects were too vague when I first saw this in the theater but they seem much more solid now. Ironically, but not surprisingly, the more showy CGI work holds up less well than STAN WINSTON's practical interpretations. There's a show-stoppy galloping beast on fire bit that looks borderline terrible now but it's hard for me to care when the movie is so much fun.

THE RELIC is a wonderfully flawed disaster movie throwback, a drive-in monster on the loose flick hiding in the trunk of a big budget epic. The disaster elements, which include panicked folks trampling over each other to escape the mayhem and a group trudge through a dank subterranean tunnel that recalls THE POSIEDON ADVENTURE are hysterically engaging even as the film pushes a near two-hour running time. Whatever borderline ludicrousness curbed this films reputation back in the day only serves to make it that much more entertaining now. This is exactly how cheese should age my friends and I'm kinda surprised that a film released in the wiseacre late nineties is this level of puppy dog eighties adorable. I'm very happy I woke up and found it waiting for me. You don't have to turn off your entire brain to enjoy it, just the part of your brain that ruins everything!

Burning Bright

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was all set to purchase a Bengal tiger and now BURNING BRIGHT has turned me off of the idea completely. BRIANA EVIGAN (GREG EVIGAN's daughter who you might remember from SORORITY ROW) portrays Kelly Taylor, a gal set to go off to college. Trouble is, her mother's recent suicide and her stepfather's general flakiness have left her feeling personally responsible for the well being of her autistic younger brother. Her sense of being trapped becomes all too literal when she wakes up in her home to find it boarded up in anticipation of a hurricane. I should also mention that somebody has also barricaded the front and back doors, and only after setting her stepfather's recently acquired bloodthirsty tiger within the house. Not only does Kelly have to survive but she also must keep her sibling who doesn't register the danger alive too. It's safe to say that this is an unlikely situation but the matter of fact way it's handled is convincing and the resulting intensity is impossible to deny. At one point I'm pretty sure I yelped.

I gotta say that although they don't get as much attention as some other sub genres of horror, the good ol' "man vs. fill in the blank beast" movie has been discreetly advancing in quality and effectiveness over recent years (BLACK WATER & THE REEF come to mind). BURNING BRIGHT is the latest example of such a film to wisely focus on and utilize the actual animal in question, producing an authentic primal response in the viewer. (It looks like some CGI is used in BB but only around the edges to position a genuine tiger in specific places). The tiger (or really tigers, as more than one is credited) in question is a magnificent natural effect and don't be surprised if something way down in the pit of your DNA well flashes red when it's on screen. The action is all the more impressive that the lion's share (har) takes place in a limited space. Director CARLOS BROOKS even had me thinking back to HALLOWEEN with the way he transforms a recognizable everyday home into a cavernous battlefield and the last segment of TRILOGY OF TERROR with his dedication to relentlessness.

As tight as the director's craftsmanship is, a movie this intimate and concentrated could easily collapse if occupied by a feeble cast. I was impressed by every one present. GARRET DILLAHUNT (LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT) is always interesting, EVIGAN could be the king of the scream queens if she had a mind to and CHARLIE TAHAN as Kelly's autistic brother gives a temperate, modest spin on a role that many an actor (of any age) would have demolished with hammy ostentation. His approach fits right in with the film's general manner of getting the job done succinctly and without tiresome ornamental bombast. Truth told, I did end up yearning for a little more fleshing out of Kelly's relationship with her shady stepfather but the movie is so lean, compact and uncluttered maybe it's best that boat wasn't rocked. It's probably better to be left hungry for a little more than overstuffed and I don't mind filling in some of the blank spots myself. The bottom line is that this movie really worked for me as a precision suspense dispenser and I don't need anything more than that.

YellowBrickRoad (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was just saying that although I truly enjoyed THE INKEEPERS, it didn't really scare me as much as I wanted it to. On the flip side, here is a movie that I didn't really care for that somehow freaked me out. YELLOW BRICK ROAD sports an an inviting premise; way back in 1940, the entire town of Friar, New Hampshire got it in their heads to abandon their homes and take to a winding trail in the woods. (The assholes even left their pets behind!) They were all later discovered slaughtered or frozen to death with zero explanation. Now, a group of smarty-pants psychologists and the like decide to follow the trail themselves and see what they can find while documenting their journey. Terrible and frustratingly ambiguous things ensue. YELLOW BRICK ROAD is an oddly fascinating movie especially considering that I hated the way it looked, how it was executed and nearly everybody in it. I'd tell it to go climb a tree outright but the damn movie got under my skin even in the face of all my resistance.

I don't get it. Tacky effects, inconsistent acting, dishwater visuals, moronic behavior, poor and random use of black and white stills, inexplicable wardrobe choices, you name it and it's present and accounted for and busily agitating me. Still, if you tried to turn YBR off while I was watching it, I would have chopped your arm off. When it finally slunk away after one last dubious image, I realized that remarkably it had left me with a feeling of dread the size of a Rose Bowl float. I was reminded of one of those terribly done reenactment educational films you'd see in Jr. High School about the winter at Valley Forge but laced with grisly f-ed up imagery achieved on a Goth teenager's laptop. No matter what, the truth remains, it achieved a level of wrongness that made me cringe.

Here are my excuses for being scared by a movie that I found aesthetically appalling; first of all, getting lost in the woods, as I've stated before is a real fear of mine. It's not so much the disorientation that gets to me but the idea that nature itself is an ominous force that is trying to stomp me out that turns my hair white. (This is where most would cite THE BLAIR WITCH but where I, trying to convince you that I read occasionally, cite "The Willows" by Algernon Blackwood.) Secondly, in the course of this movie some dum-dums eat poison berries that make them trip their brains out and that idea is a nightmare to me too thanks to GO ASK ALICE and that urban legend about trick or treaters who were given LSD laced candy and are still hallucinating in a mental asylum to this day. Thirdly, this sneaky movie has that SESSION 9-ish vein running through it where you realize that the space between sanity and madness is the length of one thought. I hate that. Lastly, there's this whole stagnation thing going on where you feel the exhaustion of being in the same place for so long that you forget there was ever any other place. Basically we're talking about a cinematic K-hole.

I guess I like this movie more than I'm ready to fully admit. I don't feel like owning it, or seeing it again or hanging a poster of it on my wall and buying the lunch box but it did sufficiently poke my head. On a base level, I still think horror films are like campfire stories and I'm not sure you have to like every sentence the storyteller utters to be taken to the place that you need to go. I'm going to coin my own phrase and call this a "green light bulb movie" in reference to SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT. There's no rationale why the middle story in that flawed, shabby anthology wigs me out- it just does. I may never use that term again but a "green light bulb" movie is bigger than the sum of its parts. Dissected it looks like nothing but it makes reference to a bigger horror, a horror of indescribable nonsense, of losing your bearings and slipping into a pit where you disinherit yourself completely. I know some people will probably check this one out (it's on Netflix Streaming) and think, "What are you talking about?" but that's a big part of what makes a green light bulb movie so unnerving. Frustratingly, not everybody can see it glow. Then again, maybe I'm just creeped out by old-timey forties music.

The Innkeepers (2011)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Though the overall tone is more jovial, THE INKEEPERS is built much like TI WEST's last effort THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. It's a long sturdy corridor with a dark trap door waiting at the end and if you want your dessert, you're going to have to clean your plate. I doubt this sits well with every horror fan but I appreciate the elbow room on this ride. It's like an old fashioned wooden roller coaster; you may not fear for your life but how can you resist the view? About midway through THE INKEEPERS, I had the weirdest thought ever. I thought that even if the horror never came, even if this movie was just the tale of two co-workers working at an inn that's seen better days, I'd be fine with that. That's how well done WEST's set up is and that's how much I liked the characters. I was all prepared to text the ghosts and tell them not to bother to show up. Dear ghosts, since you're tardy to the party anyway, how's ‘bout we just reschedule?

It's not every day that I prefer living humans to shrieking ghouls. As much as I dug PAT HEALY's turn as aloof slacker Luke and KELLY McGILLIS as an atypical, non-wacky singed on the edges psychic, it's easily saucer-eyed, quirky-dork SARA PAXTON as Claire who runs away with the show entire. She's such a fucking genius that she transforms a short bit about taking a bag of trash to the dumpster into the most brilliant thing I've seen in eons. (Truly, I caught up with several comedies recently and nothing and nobody made me snort out loud like PAXTON.) She'll probably read too waif/adorable for some but I can't remember the last time I viewed a performance so effortlessly egoless and effervescent. PAXTON's Claire is a serious breath of fresh air forgoing heroics and martyrdom for something more akin to Nancy Drew by way of THE GHOST AND MR CHICKEN. Having now met Claire/PAXTON, I feel I can finally get over the death of DON KNOTTS and move on.

If you want to stare into the mouth of hell, have your sensibilities pushed to their limit and be left crawling on all fours fearing for your very soul, this is not your jam but if you're interested in a breezy, semi-spooky good time then you're all set. For me, when WEST finally does decide to trade deliberate abstinence for unbridled ruckus horror, he's not entirely successful. Our ghosts when they do barge in, are mildly mundane. One is wearing a been-there done-that wedding dress and the other is snatched directly from THE SENTINEL. It's an interesting idea to show these guys as starkly and clearly as he does after so much under the table footsie-play but on a gut level I would have preferred them to remain more obtuse and ethereal. I guess that's the minus side of being so adept at orchestrating anticipation, it's hard for the payoff not to be a smidge anticlimactic. That said, it's not the destination but the journey that is relevant and there are certainly enough unnerving moments to recommend THE INKEEPERS particularly to ghost story fans.

THE INKEEPERS is now available on VOD and should see some more theater play come February. It's not the scariest horror flick of the year but I think it's one of the better more entertaining ones anyway. Yes! I'm thinking that horror films have more to offer than just scare value alone! I'm not sure if I like that idea but there it is just sitting in my head. THE INKEEPERS (not unlike HOUSE OF THE DEVIL ) expertly collects apprehension like honey from a hive and I don't think you need to be stung all over the face to sense how sweet and vitalizing it is. Better yet, if a better scene of a person taking a bag of trash out to the dumpster exists anywhere I'll eat my hat and I'll eat yours too. Now, somebody in Hollywood, I need an OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE remake starring SARA PAXTON and EMMA STONE in the can by this time next year; all I'm asking for is a producer credit.

Humongous (1982)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Even though I'm as poor as an unemployed church mouse with a moth in his wallet and holes in his tiny mouse socks, I decided that I deserved to purchase HUMONGOUS on DVD as my hair has literally turned gray while waiting for it to appear on said format. It may not be the best movie in the world, but it has always scratched my slasher fan itch even though its cramped and fuzzy VHS presentation always left much to be desired. SCORPION RELEASING's new, far less dish-watery, widescreen offering doesn't fix all of HUMONGOUS's faults but it sure does make the movie a less frustrating and more enjoyable watch. It might even change a few people's minds about this underrated whipping boy of a movie that's not nearly as pointless as folks like to pretend.

Our tale begins with a woman being raped. We don't have to wait long for the culprit to get his comeuppance because dogs immediately maul him and his victim smashes his head in with a rock. Next, somber opening credits share snapshots of her life. The pictures are all happy until we reach one that was taken after the ugly incident where her smile is replaced by a scar. Thirty-eight years later a group of hard to like young folk jump on a boat and go for a joy ride. They save a stranded boater within some heavy fog and he tells them the story of "Dog Island." The home of the lady who was attacked all those years ago who now lives in isolation from the world surrounded by her protective dogs. It's implied that the woman has gone "mad" but if living in a big old house on your own island surrounded by canines is "mad" then I want to be mad too.

After the telling of the campfire-free campfire story, one of the douchier members of the group (who has been acting up all day) gets it in his head to take over the boat but instead crashes and blows the thing up leaving everyone swimming for dreaded Dog Island. If HUMONGOUS has any bone to pick it may be with the consequences of blind male aggression. Life would be so sweet if it wasn't for gross rapists and spazzy yacht sinking acts of machismo.

Once our friends set foot on dry land it's time to get murdered but not in the order that one might assume (The old adage "killers don't make slashes on gals who wear glasses" is wrong.) Thanks to some subtle clues like dog bones everywhere, someone falling in the lap of a corpse and a journal that conveniently explains everything, our sleuths surmise that the lady and her dogs are dust but her savage monster offspring is living large. Although somewhat sympathetic (when not crushing skulls) the malformed creature comes across as a seven-foot stand in for thoughtless male destruction. He's almost a tape recording of the original violence he spawned from set forever on repeat. Not to ruin the ending but the last image of the film of its lone survivor staring off coldly suggests that the ripple effect from the original vicious act will continue on.

Directed by PAUL LYNCH (The original PROM NIGHT), HUMONGOUS can get on your nerves for holding a decent hand yet often failing to play the right cards. I have a feeling LYNCH unwisely went with the false theory that showing less would somehow magically make his film more suspenseful. Less may be more when filming a haunted house tale but if you're doing a movie about a giant mutant rape-baby, subtlety is not your friend. Even polished up on DVD, HUMONGOUS sticks to the shadows and lingers in black spaces more than it should, sometimes it works to its benefit and sometimes it shoots itself in the foot. Overall though, the coastal atmosphere, the use of real lived in locations, the Ginny Field-style psychology, the eerie score and the joyful aberrance that abounds have always been enough for me.

Truth is, it's no use complaining about the film's creaky nature because it is a major part of its charm. Better lighting, better acting, better kills and a more satisfying monster reveal would have been great but that doesn't feel quite right for a movie called HUMONGOUS. I could complain that it's filled with cliché's but honestly, I chomp on tropes like Skittles, they are as comforting as street signs leading me home. I might bellyache that you don't really get to know the characters but truthfully I don't want to know them. I know enough characters thank you very much. Is it all right if I just want to hang with a monster on an island for a while and then leave without exchanging numbers and promises of holiday cards? HUMONGOUS the movie is really very much like its theatrical poster, cheap, primitive, goofily deviant and inexplicably awesome. It doesn't deliver the brutality it appears to promise but there are more than a couple accomplished visuals and tons of weird moments that stick in your head. It's no masterpiece but like a scraggily child's drawing stuck to the fridge, I just might prefer it to one.