Remember back in the good old days of two weeks ago when Christine Hadden of FASCINATION WITH FEAR and I each shared our ten favorite horror homesteads? Well, it happened whether you remember it or not. We had so much fun that we decided to go on a second tour but this time we’re visiting our ten LEAST favorite horror dumps! Check out my ten most unwanted properties below and do make sure to travel over HERE to check out Christine’s least favorite picks!
10. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) (2009)
Don’t get me wrong, Dr. So and So has exquisite taste in art and I love how clean and modern everything is but the spiral staircase is a real deal breaker. Personally I like to put a bandanna (or three) around my human centipede’s neck and take it to the park to play Frisbee every afternoon. Spiral staircases are stellar for averting unwanted escapes but in general they tend to be difficult to maneuver time wasters.
9. WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
Ever since I was a kid I’ve found Chuck’s living arrangement leaving much to be desired. Poverty doesn’t have to be grim (think Edith the egg lady’s trailer in PINK FLAMINGOS) but this pad blows. I’m thinking if you ever find yourself coming home to find four senior citizens sleeping in the same bed it’s time to start packing.
8. TIDELAND (2005)
I wouldn’t say no to sharing a living space with JEFF BRIDGES. That said, I’d like to specify that I’d prefer it to be the living JEFF BRIDGES and not his rotting corpse in a white wig. See, contrary to word on the street, I really do have standards.
7. THE COTTAGE (2008)
I had mixed feelings about this movie but a very definite reaction to the crazy killer’s yellow kitchen. Quite simply it horrified the crap out of me. Not that I can verify it in anyway but I’m sure that I once read that more murders were committed in yellow kitchens than kitchens of any other color. For some reason the assumed happy hue just irritates the hell out of people and that is why you will never see a yellow hospital. Naturally the kindertrauma kitchen is pink, a color known only for making people hungry for Frankenberry Cereal, Strawberry Quick and TINY TIM tuneage!
6. EATEN ALIVE (1977)
The Louisiana hotel in EATEN ALIVE is nice enough but let’s be real here, there are way too many crocodiles in the front yard.
5. THE HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS (1976)
What the hell is so funny THWLW? Let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little f*cked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown. I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to f*ckin’ amuse you?
4. 13 GHOSTS (2001)
I have as much use for a too clever for its own good clockwork puzzle-box house as I do another SAW sequel. You pull the wrong lever and suddenly the bathroom has glass walls and the door disappears. No thanks, privacy is my middle name and my last name is control.
3. HOUSE OF WAX (2005)
There’s so much wrong with this concept that I don’t even know where to begin. Call me crazy but I don’t relish the idea of having to wade through molten wax to crawl into bed every August.
2. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2007)
This prefab pile of crapola reeks of unearned mundane vanilla privilege. I intuitively know that the thermostat is set at least twenty degrees higher than I would feel comfortable in. It makes me think of staying at a boring relative’s house and waking up early and pretending to be still asleep in order to avoid brain numbing small talk over coffee about last night’s episode of CSI: MIAMI. Demonic possession and hourly soul rape would be a welcome reprieve.
1. HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1989)
I believe the worst place ever invented is this here riverside shack in Haddonfield, Illinois. I’m not even sure this fragile lean-to stands next to a legitimate river, it looks more like a stream or a brook to me. We’ve all seen this scenario play out before, a theoretically straight guy down on his luck exploits the hospitality of an elderly amateur pirate in order to put a roof over his head. After a year of who knows what kind of illicit behavior the roustabout gets bored, puts his mask back on, clocks the parrot, kills his benefactor and then moves on to greener pastures. Give me ROB-ZOB’s driftin’ hobo Mike over HALLOWEEN 5’s poorly masked, unappreciative moocher any October 31st!