I know youâ€™re sick of hearing about MILEY CYRUS and well you should be! What is the big deal? Anybody with even a cursory knowledge of horror films could tell you that the girl is simply possessed! Sheâ€™s not the first and she wonâ€™t be the last. Get over it! Itâ€™s not like she canâ€™t afford an exorcist and really, isnâ€™t becoming possessed a natural part of growing up? People who view poor Mileyâ€™s behavior as some kind of calculated media manipulation need to educate themselves! Thank God Iâ€™m here to do just that. Hereâ€™s proof that Miley is possessed as illustrated by the always informative world of horror cinemaâ€¦
PROTRUDING TOUNGUE. Sticking out your tongue in a provocative manner is the simplest way to let folks know that you are possessed! AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION (1982) is a fine example of this but really just about any possession movie will tell you the same!
STAIR SLITHER. Those possessed know that making an entrance is key and nothing leaves a more indelible mark than a creepy crawl down a staircase. One neednâ€™t attempt a full EXCORCIST style crab walk to be effective; punished heathen Lucyâ€™s crypt decent in BRAM STOKERâ€™s DRACULA (1992), for example, looses no steam for being streamlined and straight forward.
DANCING TEDDY BEARS. Do your toys dance on their own accord? Congratulations you are possessed! Sometimes it is not your actions but the actions of the inanimate objects around you that determine how lost you are to possession. There are far too many examples of toys, dolls, teddy bears and other symbols of childhood coming to life in possession films (Not to mention THE WALTONS) for me to name them all so allow me to simply reference the doll in BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN (1971) and assume that title alone is enough to back my theory.
SATAN GOT BACK. Honestly I donâ€™t know what the devilâ€™s long recorded SIR MIX-A-LOT-like obsession with posteriors is all about. I suppose whatever gets the church folk in an uproar is worth his while. Satyr-horned Cyrusâ€™ recent display of fanny fascination fits right in with the archfiendâ€™s modus operandi. Maybe just count your blessings that a goat was not involved as depicted in THE ANTICHRIST aka THE TEMPTER (1974).
SIMULATED MASTURBATION. I probably do not need to remind you of little Reganâ€™s disturbing repurposing of a crucifix in THE EXCORCIST (1973). Unless youâ€™ve sprayed SCRUBBING BUBBLES directly into your ear, thatâ€™s still in your head. Miley doesnâ€™t go quite that far but if she thinks wearing a foam finger will save her from the curse of hairy palms, she is mistaken. On the other hand what better way to communicate you are Satanâ€™s #1 fan?
BODY COTORTIONS. Be real and admit that Mileyâ€™s twerking stance is basically just the backwards version of the torso origami showcased in THE LAST EXCORCISM (2010).
BODY MUTATION. When you are possessed your body can do crazy things that seem to go against the laws of nature. Your head can blow up like in THE BEAST WITHIN (1982), you can somehow stick a lipstick into your breast like in NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988) or your boobs can turn into monster faces like in MAUSOLEUM (1983)! In other words, if Miley doesnâ€™t fit into her costume as well as she might- donâ€™t blame her blame Satan!
SHAMELESS BEHAVIOR! Opinion has ranged from â€œHey, thatâ€™s too sexy!â€ to â€œHey thatâ€™s not sexy!â€ Dusty professional MADONNA sycophant CAMILLE PAGLIA even called MILEYâ€™s performance â€œcringingly unsexy.â€ (Would-be pop stars take note: If you fail to deliver Jane Hathaway a lady boner, it isnâ€™t art!) Itâ€™s as if disobedient CYRUS thought she could just wing it and have fun while Lady Gaga spent all her days practicing her precision SPROCKETS moves! This love it or leave it attitude and scandalous lack of shame over oneâ€™s physique can only bring to mind that rude scantily clad attic beast from [REC] (2007)! Don’t kids today realize empowerment requires flawless choreography and tailoring?
SEDUCTION OF MEN! If only there was some way to figure out why the first order of business for recently possessed gals is to seduce innocent older men! I know you must be thinking â€œROBIN THICKE is not so much innocent as the dude that sang this past summerâ€™s smash hit date rape anthem.â€ Yes, but donâ€™t you understand that Satan speaks in symbols and codes? ROBIN THICKE is the son of ALAN THICKE and when you hear â€œson of ALAN THICKEâ€ you subconsciously picture KIRK CAMERON, Americaâ€™s greatest Christian! Oh Satan, you and your mocking trickery! How dare you!
O.K., now Iâ€™m just being facetiousâ€¦but only half so. I truly think if you look under the hood of the hysterical outrage to CYRUSâ€™s performance youâ€™ll see the same engine that drives your standard possession film. Fear of female sexuality doesnâ€™t even begin to cover it (though it’s a crucial start), something tells me CYRUS could be as sexy as she wanted to be as long as she respectfully emulated an approved icon like deceased exploited trainwreck MARILYN MONROE (see: MADONNA) or expressed the proper reverence and gratitude toward fame and commerce (see: LADY GAGA). Instead her entire shindig was a goofy, gangly, semi-bratty, free-spirited blow-off to the status quo and no, that’s not going to sit well with certain folks.
Because the real fear billowing up here (as in many a possession film) is the fear of uncontrollable youth, the fear of the next generation coming up to bat, the fear that theyâ€™ll stick their (foam) finger up at the boundaries weâ€™ve drawn for them, the fear that they will not adopt and be loaded down by our collective neurosis as planned, the fear (resentment, really) of their freedom to make their own path where we were too meek to do so. The fear that theyâ€™ll have more fun than we allowed ourselves, the fear that we misspent our time worrying about the wrong things. This makes the older generation angry but more importantly, and stingingly, this makes the older generationâ€¦older (and â€œolderâ€ by the way, is super secret code for â€œcloser to deathâ€).
Damn, CYRUSâ€™ Pan-tastic rite of passage ritual was a pagan dance on all of our graves! She even transformed 27-year old LADY GAGA into a haggard crone right before our eyes! Don’t believe me? check out this clip of GAGA‘s opening number…
(alright, maybe she canâ€™t be blamed for that but stillâ€¦) In any case, the point is there are plenty of things to be outraged, angry and scared of in this world and a young woman leaving behind childhood has never been nor ever should be one of them. I have little interest in MILEYâ€™s musical output (Iâ€™m still trying to adapt to OLIVIA NEWTON JOHNâ€™s â€œPhysicalâ€ and SHEENA EASTON singing songs penned by PRINCE) but from what Iâ€™ve seen, each generation is slightly less ignorant and hateful than the one that came before it so Iâ€™m perfectly fine with MILEY and her contemporaries twerking to their hearts content. I say go for itâ€¦ go for it, have fun and hail Satan!