Category: Traumafessions

Hey Unk!

Seeing as it's the season of horror and whatnot I wanted to present one of my traumafessions from childhood that stuck with me through the years. The year was 1975 and I was an impressionable 7-year-old infatuated with television and all things horror. Oh, and BEWITCHED. So imagine my surprise to see that ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY was starring in a made-for-TV movie called THE LEGEND OF LIZZIE BORDEN. Now, I had no idea who Lizzie was or the hideous crime she allegedly committed, but after watching the movie I was forever scarred by the image of my beloved Samantha Stevens taking an axe to the heads of her father and step-mother! Most of the film is a courtroom procedural drama, with tidbits of flashbacks of Lizzie and her family near the turn of the 20th century. In other words, pretty boring stuff for a second grade kid.

But then WHAM; ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY, as Lizzie, takes off her clothes (scathing!), gets the axe from under her bed, and proceeds to bury it into her step-mother's head, with blood spurting all over the place. So there I was, befreaked by the thought of someone killing their mother, much less with a sharp, shiny axe. Lizzie cleans herself up and continues to go about her business, as if there is nothing amiss with the dead body in the bedroom. Well, it quickly becomes obvious she didn't get it all out of her system because in a little while she goes for round two, one again stripping nude and dividing her father's skull in two while he laid on the couch for what he expected to be a nice afternoon nap. Again, blood and gore abound! After that it goes on for a bit with the trial and blah blah blah until she's acquitted of the murders.

And therein started my unhealthy infatuation with axe murders in the movies. Thanks to that movie I never looked at Samantha Stevens the same way ever again. Here's a clip of the good stuff, starting at the 3-minute mark:

Happy horrors!

— David O.

Now that I've exhausted my own traumas, I thought I'd tell you about a trauma experienced by by own four year old daughter, Sophie.

She's a big fan of the Muppet movies, and since she didn't seem frightened by 'scary' Muppets like Animal, Sweetums, and Miss Piggy, we treated her to a DVD of episodes of THE MUPPET SHOW. After sitting through such 'Still Alive?' hosts like Roy Clark and Lesley Ann Warren, we came to the Alice Cooper episode. She was okay until the 'Welcome to my Nightmare' song where Alice rose out of his coffin and sang with skeletons and ghosts. She made me fast forward past that.

It was a pretty dark episode, with Alice trying to make a faustian bargain for Kermit's soul, a Muppet catching an arrow through his head, and Dr. Honeydew creating a giant germ which devoured Beaker. Eventually, we had to turn it off.

Now, every time we watch the show, Sophie asks, 'It's not the creepy guy, is it?'

Brian Katcher

Hi Aunt John,

I have another confession…maybe the Catholics have figured this all out. This is very therapeutic.

All right, picture this:

It's 1983. I'm 11 years old, up in my bedroom, curled up in front of a 13" black-and-white T.V. with rabbit ears and an Atari 2600 hooked up to it. The great miniseries "V" has held my young attention for a whole hour, and I'm totally hooked. Especially interesting is the character Diana, leader of the Visitors, who I find completely hot in that prepubescent-boy-with-a-crush-on-your-fourth-grade-teacher kind of way. Yes, even with her '80s hair and weird Grandma sunglasses and refugee-from-a-Devo-video uniform, there's something, I don't know, smoldering about JANE BADLER'S look and performance. (I didn't know what hitting that was at the time, but I know now that I'd hit that.)

Then comes the scene. You know the one I'm talking about. Where MARC SINGER is crouching in some kind of ventilation shaft (where would action movies be without ventilation shafts?), watching some boring conversation between Diana and some other faceless space Nazi…and suddenly, beautiful, smoldering Diana turns to a cage in the wall, picks up a frickin' guinea pig, and without blinking tilts her head back and swallows the whole thing. Her mouth drops open like a snake swallowing an egg, and she kind of licks her fingers and gets back to the argument.

Imagine my hormonal horror as the discreet object of my bewildered desire proved that she had both a three-tennis-ball mouth and no gag reflex.

Again, it doesn't sound so horrible now, lo these many years later. But then…oh, MAN.

Of course I've looked it up on YouTube…and the special effect is, shall we say, quaint.

I'm dialing my therapist now…

Thanks again for the laughs.

— Michael (aka Vastcyclopeanvistas)

Last week I saw a commercial for a movie trailer that caught my attention, almost as if a cold clammy little hand poked out from under the couch and pulled me toward the heat duct…DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK.

Are they kidding?!

This movie single handed-ly gave me a bladder the size of a rugby ball when I was a kid. It was my first monster movie and I can still recall the creepy little voices whispering, "Saaalllllyeee… Saaaalllllyeee…" in the dark. The glimpse of the little ghouls/demons that I could only describe as having a piece of caramel corn for a head, still swim through my head. I was haunted by this movie well into my 20's.

Now they are remaking it? I am sure their intention is to traumatize an entire new generation of children. After witnessing this movie, I would not go to the bathroom by myself at my grandparents' home, because it was up a flight of stairs all by itself. It didn't matter if it was noon and the sun was shining bright. I would not get out of my bed at night to go to the bathroom and barely wanted my head above the covers. Any noise, however slight, would set me on edge for hours in my bed.

After seeing the new trailer for DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK, I was spurred on to research some of the other movies that added to my fears as a child. Remember THE WORLD BEYOND with its Mud Man and his severed arm that had a life of its own and THE MONSTER CLUB with its little stories of fog, ghouls, vampires and other creepies? These three are the apex of terror for me. I can only hope my kids will build an apex of their own to look back on and laugh….

— Heather

Hello Kindertrauma!

My terrifying traumafession focuses around the hit Nickelodeon show ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?, which aired on Nick from the '90's througout the early 2000s. Many episodes scared me beyond belief, but there was one that REALLY took the cake, and that was "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float." This episode revolved around two teens, Zeke and Clorice discovering an abandoned pool above a graveyard, which awakened an angry spirit that took revenge on anyone who swam in the pool.

The scene in particular that traumatized me was towards the end, when the ghost-demon finally came out of the pool. This was a kid's show, mind you but the ghost was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen and, looking back at it now, I still think its a rather scary and mature episode. The ghost was red, dressed in old clothes and covered in all kinds of slime and filth. But its head! Its head was a demonic red skull, with empty eye sockets that seemed to stare into my soul. I will never forget the demonic terrifying look of this ghost, and every time I go swimming I am hesitant because of this horrifying episode.

— Paul

Dear Kindertrauma:

First off, you rock. I love your site and the way you have teased out many of the common traumas we suffered as children. I could go on about Oompa-Loompas, Flying Monkeys, The Poltergeist Clown…the list goes on.

But I was truly traumatized by the ending of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. I had been drawn in by the prospect of another movie featuring Han Solo (I guess I was nine when the movie came out), and thought somehow the movie would be about Noah's Ark, but ok. I didn't really know what a Nazi was, other than the "Black Spider" villains of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, but I got the idea pretty quickly.

So I'm tracking with the whole archaeology motif, digging (as it were) the Egyptian stuff–I could even handle the snake coming out of the mummy's mouth in the Well of Souls sequence (though barely). But dammit, when those Nazis' faces began to shrivel, drip, and explode in the Holy Wrath bit at the end, I LOST IT. I had gone to see the movie with our older cousin, who loved it–we were on vacation, and I think it was a moment for my parents to get us out of the hotel room at the Ramada Inn. I could not express to her how profoundly shocking the face-melting had been to me. Upon return to the hotel, where I had drawn the short straw and had to sleep on the floor, I remember keeping my mother up all night trying to describe the utter horror I had experienced at the end of the movie. I kept the bathroom light and fan on, much to my Dad's dismay. Oddly, my younger brother had shrugged it off, or at least was too exhausted from all the Coke and Sno-Caps to stay awake.

I had loved it–and to this day it's one of my favorites of all time–but my first time was a rough one.

If you liked this one, there's more to come, as I was a Professional Scaredy-Cat.

Yours,

— Michael Clark

Vast Cyclopean Vistas

Even though I was probably only in kindergarten, I remember the movie WITNESS being a huge deal around the time it was released. It was such a big deal that my parents granted me a pass to watch my first R-rated movie. WITNESS was partially filmed in Lancaster County, PA and we lived in the city of Lancaster so everyone was excited to see it and to watch a movie that had to do with the Amish. The Amish brought a lot of tourism to our area and since my family lived in the city and only saw them when we drove to the country or the farmer's market, we still found them to be somewhat mysterious.

It seemed like my Aunt was the only member of my extended family at the time to own a VCR so anytime a good movie came out, we had to view it at her house. She had a big living room with a wrap-around couch which could seat a decent amount of family. My Aunt was considerate enough to warn my parents that there was a scene that might be too scary for me. At that point I decided that I wanted nothing to do with this movie at all. I remember my parents telling me I could just cover my eyes when the scary scene started. I told them that I wanted to nap and I buried my head in some throw pillows and pretended to be asleep. I couldn't help but to listen even though I didn't want to watch.

Not too far along into the movie, maybe 10 minutes or so, I heard my Aunt point out the "scary" scene to my parents. I listened as the music swelled and I could here a man gasping and screaming. Soon after, it all seemed to calm down. I didn't trust that it wouldn't happen again so I kept my face covered. I stayed in this position so long that I did eventually fall asleep.

As the years went by I was granted more R-rated viewings, mostly only being allowed to watch what my Mom wanted to watch. She was in love with MEL GIBSON in the ‘80s and ‘90s so I got to watch the LETHAL WEAPON movies. I liked DANNY GLOVER's portrayal of Detective Murtaugh as GIBSON's partner.

During the 90's, my parents broke down and subscribed to the Prism network. Prism was a Philadelphia-based, premium movie and sports channel. I would tell my Dad that I was recording the encore showing of a Sixers or Phillies game and be able to record late-night soft-core classics such as FELICITY ('80) and CINDERELLA ('77). Of course from time to time Prism would air some quality, more-recent movies. On Prism I watched movies like GRAND CANYON and THE SAINT OF FORT WASHINGTON in which DANNY GLOVER played humble, proud, and stoic characters who had the ability to talk down any thug who wanted to start trouble.

My curiosity peaked about the movie I had avoided watching a decade when Weird Al Yankovic released the video for his "Gangster's Paradise" parody called, "Amish Paradise." He pretty much solidified Lancaster as the unofficial Amish capital of the world in his "Amish Paradise" video which prominently displayed a "Welcome to Lancaster" sign in it.

I finally rented and watched WITNESS only to be horrified by the scene I had shielded my eyes from years before, not because it looked like little LUCAS HAAS was about to meet his maker, but because I was watching my 'BELOVED' Detective Murtaugh, who played a corrupt Philly cop, slashing some guy's throat. It made me sick to see DANNY GLOVER playing a bad guy. I was able to tough it out anyway and continued through the whole movie. WITNESS turned out to be a great film. It was totally worth it to see: HARRISON FORD hiding out in an Amish community and kicking a local bully's ass for picking on his new friends, a great representation of Amish nudity courtesy of KELLY McGILLIS, and the unforgettable silo death scene.

— Grimpressions

Hey Kindertrauma!

Did you guys ever play Hunt the Wumpus? I had a random memory of the Wumpus when I was trying to name a picture that I took for my Halloween blog. I remember playing this one as a kid on a Texas Instrument computer and it used to scare the crap out of me. Your character would move around these round spaces in search of the Wumpus. There were pits you could fall down; some bats that would send you to a random spot on the board, and of course the Wumpus.

The Wumpus was the monster that would eat you if you landed on its space or if you missed shooting it with an arrow. The game was as simple as Minesweeper where there was the suspense of stepping on the wrong spot. Seeing the big teeth of the Wumpus pop up on the screen (accompanied by a short clip of The Funeral March) spooked me almost every time I played it.

Or how about Haunted House for the Atari 2600? This was another simple, great game that would get my heart pounding. You're a set of eyes with a flashlight searching through 4 levels of darkness for pieces of an urn. While wandering around the house you have to avoid ghosts, spiders, and bats.

Keep up the great work guys!

— Jay

Hallowaltz

Hey Kindertrauma and friends —

My kindertrauma revolved around the horrific episode of SCOOBY-DOO (my favorite cartoon to this day) entitled "A Tiki Scare is No Fair." As I was an anxious and nervous child who grew into a lovably neurotic adult, I can't believe my parents even let me watch this show.

Between the ghost drums, the haunted island far away from home, the idea of being hunted down by a maniacal tiki monster, and the evil witch doctor himself, I could've bought stock in Depends.

However, the most harrowing and haunting scene for me is when the witch doctor is chasing Velma and she hides in a bale of hay to escape his clutches. And he looms and searches for her, stalking and waiting until she blows her cover with a sneeze. At least this is how I remember it.

Just wanted to share and see who else (if anyone) was caused any trauma by watching good old SCOOBY.

Much appreciation,

— Matt

UNK SEZ: Thanks to JOHN ROZEM for the above tiki image! You can find more super cool SCOOBY location shots at his joint HERE!