kindertrauma

Official Traumatot: Danielle Harris

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

danielle harris Halloween sequel rob zombie
 The sufferings of young Danny have not gone unnoticed here at KINDERTRAUMA MANOR. HALOWEENS 4 AND 5 would have been enough to justify her portrait hanging in our illustrious halls but she recently kicked it up a notch by withstanding yet another onslaught in ROB ZOMBIE'S boffo retelling. We demand a D.H.-centric sequel!

Halloween 4 and 5

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

danielle harris halloween sequel
 After wearing the world's most unconvincing wig in Part 2, JAMIE LEE CURTIS abandoned the HALLOWEEN franchise in search of less blood-soaked pastures. A new heroine was not to be found in Part 3's STACY NELKIN, not because she didn't have the chops, but because she was left a decapitated robot and she had nothing to do with anything. Part 4 introduced little 10 year old DANIELLE HARRIS to the scream queen club, and boy did she ever scream. Her two film ordeal makes THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST look like SPY KIDS. Playing the part of Laurie Strode's orphaned daughter Jamie, the half pint went on to carry both 4 and 5 on her own petite shoulders. (Part 6 had an other actress playing the part and she was subsequently shunned by society and forced to wear a red "F" is for FAKE letter upon her bosom). If you're somehow not familiar with these movies I'll fill you in. In Part 4 Michael Myers comes back to Haddonfield, Illinois to kill everyone and in Part 5 he does it a year later, but he also brings a basket of useless MacGuffins. The biggest difference is that Part 4 is a near perfect homage to John Carpenter and Part 5 is…less so.Old time Halloween fans might want to sit down for what I'm about to say, but I swear to you it's true. Due to constant double billed cable play over the years, many a fan's introduction to the Myers character is through 4 and 5. Still breathing? Don't get too comfortable. Many of these people PREFER the sequels to the original…HEY! Don't stab the messenger!!! In fact these two flicks have sorta melded into one in viewers eyes much like 1 and 2 were supposed to do if that damn wig didn't ruin everything. The beauty part is that Jamie Lee Curtis left some damn big shoes to fill and D.H. did just that. So all you sequel haters out there GIVE IT UP! You will never win. No, they may not have the honor of being innovative or lighting the fire, but they do eventually find their way into most fans hearts and more importantly, sometimes they create new fans. Now that can't be bad can it?

    INDELIBLE SCENES(S):

    • Uncle Mike sitting up by the bed as lightning illuminates him
    • Those awful teasing brats who call J's mommy a mummy!
    • The rooftop sequence
    • Mike kills yet another dog (Max). What is his problem with dogs?
    • The deadly laundry shoot!

    Motel Hell

    Posted on By aunt john

     

    farmer vincent friters critters chainsaw pig
    Vincent Smith (RORY CALHOUN) is what some might call a true renaissance man. Along with kid sister Ida (NANCY PARSONS, most memorable for playing the testicle-obsessed gym teacher in the PORKY'S franchise), Vincent is the co-proprietor of the quaint roadside bed and breakfast Motel Hello. He's also a renowned meat smoker. Nope, you didn't read that wrong, and don't get the wrong idea about Vincent. Despite his senior status, he has no trouble attracting the ladies, especially the saucy young Terry, a permanent guest at the motel following a motorcycle mishap staged by Vincent. Regarding her brother's meat making, Ida will be the first to tell you, "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters!" And by critters, she means the bikers, swingers, "working women", and vans of punk rockers that fall prey to Vincent's ingenious traps. Once captured, Vince and Ida work in tandem to bury the folks up to their necks in an isolated garden. They then remove the vocal cords, and tube feed the victims until they are ready for harvesting. Equal parts horror and dark comedy, MOTEL HELL is worth checking into if you can stomach cannibalism and a seemingly endless barrage of meat-themed double entendres. 

      INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

      • '70s game show staple Elaine Joyce clad in full bondage regalia swinging a whip
      • Tubing with Ida in her old-timey bathing suit & cap
      • The garden uprising of the critters
      • Chainsaw fight!

      Kindertrauma Sells Out!

      Posted on By unkle lancifer

      You knew it was just a matter of time! It's not cheap maintaining the lifestyle we've grown accustomed to. Yoo-hoo baths and mallomars don't grow on trees! Kindly visit our new sponsors frequently. And remember if you can't read the text it simply means you have a detached retina and are going blind! Go buy a cane!

      Crowhaven Farm

      Posted on By aunt john

      crowhaven farm witch burningAside from cranking out some of the finest prime-time soap operas to ever grace the small screen, uber producer Aaron Spelling also had a hand in executive producing some of the more memorable supernatural movies-of-the-week in the ‘70s. CROWHAVEN FARM stars HOPE LANGE and PAUL BURKE, as Maggie, a legal secretary prone to bouts of puritanical déjà vu, and Ben Porter, her annoyingly insecure, stay-at-home artist husband. Maggie inherits the titular country estate from some dead relative after the original inheritor dies in an automotive explosion. Upon arriving at the farm, Maggie is overcome by an eerie sense of familiarity and the desire to hightail it out of there. Useless husband Ben decides that the barn would be the perfect place to set up a studio and a gallery for his uninspired abstract creations. Somewhat bored, and somewhat spooked by the onslaught of premonitions featuring angry pilgrims, Maggie goes back to work since Ben can't seem to earn a living. Unannounced, a pack of swingers swing by Crowhaven Farm who announce themselves as being The Weekenders. Maggie learns from them that a pack of 15th century puritans were slaughtered there because of a turncoat, ala the Salem Witch Trails (in a much less publicized fashion). Shortly thereafter, the long-barren Porters end up caring for a dead-eyed, blonde girl named Jennifer. Maggie finally gets pregnant, and creepy lil' Jennifer does her best to stir the turd, and make Ben think that his wife got knocked up by one of the aforementioned Weekenders. After Maggie gives birth, she ends up being confronted by a posse of perturbed pilgrims, the same ones from her sundry premonitions. They try to crush her beneath a door laden with bricks, as payback for her selling them down the river in a previous life. Wisely, as the weight of the stones weighs upon her, Maggie offers up her dumb husband Ben as trade for her and her baby's safe release. Maggie does escape but, in an obvious back lot made to look like Central Park, she encounters a cop who can tie a bow just like her late husband. Apparently, the circle of déjà vu can not be broken.INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

      • Jennifer teasing Maggie with Ben's ring
      • Angry pilgrim mob scene
      • Maggie goes under the door
      • The bite marks on Ben's back

      Child's Play

      Posted on By unkle lancifer

       

      chucky child's play killer doll
       For those of you who remember this franchise starter as a garish Johnny come lately to the '80s slasher boom, it's time to give CHILD'S PLAY a serious re-watch. It's surprisingly subtle and compact, and director TOM HOLLAND (FRIGHT NIGHT) is wise enough not to show all the cards he's holding until completely necessary. Consumer-in-training Andy Barclay has his eye on a "Good Guys" doll for his birthday, thanks to his favorite show, a serialized commercial. Mom Karen, CATHERINE HICKS, is a retail clerk who can't get behind the 100-dollar price tag. Her gal pal Maggie, LEE GRANT spawn, DINAH MANOFF sets her up with a vagabond who's selling it for cheap. Little does she know that the toy has seen some voodoo action lately and is housing the spirit of "The Lakeshore Strangler" Charles Lee Ray, a brilliant BRAD DOURIF. Soon Andy is whispering to his buddy privately and anyone that crosses the rascal's path winds up dead. Killer doll movies are innately fun and Child's Play is a deserving classic of the sub-genre. For a great deal of time, his animation is shown only briefly in "corner of the eye" shots that work exceptionally well. They never over reach with the special effects and the movie holds up better for it. The film plays with the idea that Andy could be the culprit but, of course, we all know better. When the Chuckster finally exposes himself, it's a savage, profanity laden scene that still takes the viewer aback. There is an element in this first chapter that is dropped from the subsequent sequels and that is the engulfing danger of the city around them. Chucky brings Andy on a subway ride into rat-infested squalor and HICKS is warned about parts of town, "That are bad at night." It spends a lot of time scratching the open wound of a single mother's anxiety about raising her child in an unpredictable urban environment. But this is really Andy's story, a kid vs. doll tale. ALEX VINCENT is exceptional as a boy who's hurt by his plastic pal's trickery and betrayal. The scene where he looses it behind bars at the children's correction facility is somehow hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. A lot of horror films can loose their power over the years but this one, like the murderous doll that inhabits it, just gets stronger.

        INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

        • Chucky grabs the toy hammer
        • "Chucky says Aunt Maggie was a bitch and deserved what she got."
        • Chucky's first real attack on HICKS
        • Southern-fried Chucky
        • "This IS the end friend!"

        NILBOG Is GOBLIN Spelled Backwards!

        Posted on By unkle lancifer

         

        nilbog goblin backwards Troll 2
         Although barely a dot on a map and with a population of a mere 26, the town of Nilbog has quite a reputation. It's thought of as a wonderful half empty town full of farmers who live like our ancestors did hundreds of years ago. You can barely step into a supermarket these days without being exposed to row after row of their vitamin enriched milk. The townsfolk are devout vegetarians but not complete wet blankets. Many believe that the new "HAND GLASSES" dance craze that's sweeping the nation originated in the little hamlet. But if you're looking for that famous country hospitality, I suggest you look elsewhere. I contend that there's a skeleton in Nilbog's closet and that skeleton is not a skeleton, that skeleton is a goblin! For it has come to my attention that the town's very name is GOBLIN spelled backwards. Feel like vomiting? The line starts behind me.For the non-believers out there I challenge you to this experiment. First, grab a piece of scrap paper and a writing utensil preferably a feather dipped in ink. Now write the evil town's name NILBOG on that paper. After waiting several minutes for the ink to dry hold the scrap of paper, words side out in front of a piece of reflecting glass such as a bathroom mirror (or for you ladies a handy compact.) THERE, DO YOU SEE IT? If you concentrate hard and squint your eyes I'm sure you can make out the despicable word "GOBLIN.""Who are the goblins?" some may ask. Well I assure you that they are not the stuff of fairy tales, they are real. They are cruel deformed forest dwellers and they are spiteful and impudent. No, I did not say impotent. I said impudent, look it up. They can transform themselves into flesh and blood creatures whenever and however they want…They can! These vengeful evil creatures make you eat green pudding until you start to sweat chlorophyll green- the color of goblins, the color of sap. They then turn you into a half-man half-plant, their favorite food! They do all of this with a voracity that has no equal. Why? No reason. Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts. If NILBOG has nothing to hide, why has my every inquiry been rebuffed? I've gotten the cold shoulder from both Creedence Leonore Gielguld AND Sheriff Gene Freak. In fact, when I asked the sheriff a simple question that was not related to this case, "Where could I find some single unattached girls?" He just laughed in my face and drove off. What are you hiding Sheriff? Did you really think offering me an ear of corn with green butter on it would shut me up? I got news for you Freak, tonight I'll be doing more research on your dirty little goblin kingdom. Tonight I'll be by watching TROLL 2!  
        goblin troll 2 nilbog
          

        Official Traumatot: Heather O'Rourke

        Posted on By unkle lancifer

         

        Heather O'Rourke poltergeist

        Dear Heather, by rights you should have been our very first TRAUMATOT but we were at a loss to try to find the words to describe your Herculean influence on KINDERTRAUMALAND. You owned POLTERGEIST, and though some say you toy-phoned in your performances in 2 and 3 to that we say …P'SHAW! Our only wish is that we could have seen you in parts 4,5 and 6!!!  

        Summer of Fear

        Posted on By aunt john

         

        linda blair summer witch zits
         Credit it to talent or dumb luck, only a small minority of child stars are fortunate enough to transition from the precocious years, through the awkward adolescent stage, to become working adult actors. Most child stars never make the full transition, but a lot do manage to crank out some unintentionally hilarious work during their declining post-pubescent years. Case in point, LINDA BLAIR's star turn in WES CRAVEN's 1978 made-for-TV movie SUMMER OF FEAR. With her round face framed in a bad perm ripped off the head of MISS PIGGY, BLAIR plays Rachel Bryant, your typical late '70s teen, who's into horses named Sundance and making ill-fitting dresses for the upcoming dance. Rachel's perm becomes more frazzled when cousin Julia from the Ozarks comes to spend the summer following the death of her family. Seemingly plain Julia appears nice and all at first; but when Rachel breaks out with a mysterious case of facial herpes, it doesn't take Julia too long to steal her man and look better in the moo-moo dress Rachel had spent so much time sewing. While the rest of the family is taken by Julia's charm, pox-marked Rachel is not buying her Cracker Barrel routine. After she finds a dildo-shaped voodoo doll made of her horse's hair in Julia's drawer, Rachel consults the next-door neighbor who just happens to be an "expert in the occult," and he confirms her suspicions that Julia is indeed a bitch witch. Sadly, no one listens to Rachel's claims, and Julia manages to off the horse, seduce the father, and cut the brakes in the mother's car during the chilling mountain-side climax.

          INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

          • Sundance the horse freaking out at Rachel's big show
          • Rachel's speedy transformation from awkward teen stage to full-blown Garbage Pail Kid face
          • Julia seducing the father
          • Rachel and Julia's throwdown in the darkroom
          • Julia's bewitching color contacts

          Baby Bop

          Posted on By aunt john

          Your aunt john came home one day to find this piece of folk art dominating the living room:

          Scared shitless by its overall creepiness, I questioned unkle lancifer about its provenance, to which he replied, "It's a one-of-a-kind Brian Fancy!" I've learned to live with the little Bopster, but during those first few weeks, I swear I could feel its steely, serial killer gaze on the back of my neck. That, and it seemed to move from room to room on its own volition.