kindertrauma

Kinderguest Joe of "Carrie White Burns in Hell"

Posted on By aunt john

There is something about freaky old people that just irks me. ‘Till this day if I see an old woman on the street and she's freaky looking, I throw rotten vegetables at her and run the other way. I was always obsessed with horror flicks as a child. Nothing really creeped me out, such as monsters or zombies etc. Old people though, are another story. I was really freaked out by that old bathtub chick in THE SHINING severely. However, 1984's CLOAK AND DAGGER was a source of severe trauma for me as a kid. (more…)

Kinderguest WIL Keiper of Horroryearbook.com

Posted on By aunt john

I was trying to come up with a story for Kindertrauma about what movie made me pee my pants as a child and the only movie I remember really scarring me was A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET which is kind of boring. A better story would have been how NIGHTMARE PART 2 made me gay, but that wouldn't be true, well maybe a little true. (more…)

Cujo

Posted on By unkle lancifer


The old gray mare just ain't what she used to be and the St. Bernard ain't feeling too hot either. Previously precious pooch Cujo got his schnozola chomped by a perturbed bat, and now he's riding the rabies train! Consequently, E.T's mom DEE WALLACE and her little son DANNY PINTAURO are beginning to look like two oversize chew toys to the killer canine. What did they do to deserve the mongrel's wrath? Well, she's having an adulteress affair (Don't worry it's with her real life love CHRISTOPHER STONE) and he's well, he'll grow up to be Jonathan Bower on WHO'S THE BOSS? That could get anybody's dander up! Don't expect high adventure; most of the action takes place in a stalled Pinto. Director LEWIS TEAGUE (ALLIGATOR) is more interested in claustrophobic tension and he brings it by the bucketful. Both leads are put through the ringer, and both deliver spotless performances. We're all quite aware of the awesomeness that is Dee Wallace, so it's Pintauro who surprises. His near constant whines and whimpers may be annoying (especially when a ringing telephone is added to the mix) but I can't think of a more authentic portrayal of anguish by a child so young. (Dude was six!)

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • Don't blame Cujo, it's all the bat's fault!
  • Child star BILLY JACOBY (SUPERSTITION, BLOODY BIRTHDAY) confronts Cujo in the fog
  • "Nothing wrong here!" commercial for cereal that makes you pee red
  • In the best scene in any movie ever, mom of the century Dee finally looses her shit and screams "Alright I'll get your daddy!" with all the red-faced rage of a woman who is beyond exhaustion. Get this woman on THE ACTOR'S STUDIO! Dee hit the zone!
  • Heads up Cujo, Dee found a Louisville slugger!

What's The Diff?

Posted on By unkle lancifer

THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982) was not a scary movie. It was a swash-buckley, over the top action-adventure covered in a big orange mound of Velveeta. All the gals wore ridiculous wigs and were often topless, and all the dudes wore loincloths and were often flogged. Something for everybody! Especially if you are partial to hearts being pulled from chests, heads being sliced in two, and people ripping their own skin off! The opening scene was a standout and it actually did creep out many a critter. Porridge mugged RICHARD LYNCH resurrected a lizard-faced RICHARD MOLL from the bowels of hell with the help of a soon to be deceased witch. The vessel that the creature arises from is covered with stone faces that come to squirmy life with the aid of yummy plastic fantastic eighties style special effects. Both these shots are from said scene but the second one has NINE distinct differences. Can you find them all before the world explodes?…GO!


WHAT'S THE DIFF?

ANSWERS HERE

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Morris on Robocop

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Reader Morris tells us his pick for most traumatizing scene comes courtesy of Paul Verhoeven's ROBOCOP when Emil (PAUL McCRANE) is melted by toxic waste! Let that be a lesson to you kiddies, do not play around with toxic waste! It was even the undoing of Jason Vorhees when he attempted to take Manhattan!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Mikey on Unsolved Mysteries

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was really young, my mom used to watch that show UNSOLVED MYSTERIES and every damn time the theme song started playing, I would completely freak out and cry like a maniac, begging her to change the channel. It wasn't even the show itself that scared me because I never actually watched any of the episodes at that point. It was just that stupid song that gave me nightmares. At this age, I had already been watching plenty of horror movies and loved them so I don't know why this particular song had that kind of affect on me.

Eventually I ended up catching the middle of an episode one night and unwillingly got hooked by the creepiness about a haunted house. When a ghost inevitably appeared and frightened a little boy, my dumb child mind randomly thought the ghost was Jesus (I guess because I was already scared of Him to begin with) and it totally traumatized me. From then on, I developed an intense fear of Jesus and would stay up nights thinking that he might come visit me while I slept. I even had a panic attack while at church a few years later for a relative's baptism. To this day, I still feel uneasy just thinking about him.

Believe it or not, I'm a really sweet person and I don't worship the devil. I'm NOT the antichrist, as this would suggest. Well, at least I don't think I am…

Something Evil

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Thin skinned, quivering watercolor enthusiast Marjorie Worden (marble-mouthed SANDY DENNIS) and her work-obsessed, ad executive hubby Paul (KOLCHAK's DARREN McGAVIN, who not only exudes Captain Carl level machismo, but is also notably one of the few people who can truly pull off wearing a hat) trade city rats for country rats when they move into a rural Pennsylvania farm house. Along with their two children, a tow-headed Carol Ann Freeling prototype and seventies ginger staple/sea monster advocate JOHNNY WHITAKER, they discover that the devil is not only in the details, but is also residing in the barn. Marjorie is the first to suspect something hoofed is afoot when she wakes to the sounds of a baby crying and discovers an apparently long expired jar of glowing red jelly is the source. The jar proves to be as difficult to shake as one of Paul's commercial jingles as it reappears in various parts of the house causing Marge a great deal of anguish. Oldster Harry (ROSEMARY'S BABY alum RALPH BELLAMY) the lone person not chalking Marge's erratic behavior up to hysteria, is quickly dispatched via a swooping demon P.O.V. shot. What may have been a standard seventies occult pastiche is elevated to classic status by the talents of a still-hungry, young STEPHEN SPIELBERG, fresh off the crashing success of DUEL. Incorporating inventive camera moves and creeped-out sound effects, whilst always taking full advantage of the charismatic cast, this made-for-T.V. movie rises far above the chaff and delivers an eleventh hour switcharoo truly worthy of preservation.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Sandy's Pennsylvania Dutch pentacle necklaces
  • The never explained jar of red goo
  • Car crash initiated by red orb and shattered glass
  • The glowing yellow eyes caught on the commercial
  • Whitaker's windy arbor beat-down
  • Devil frog!
  • "Apples are chocolate brown, mmmmmm…wonderful!"

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Bryan on Fembots

Posted on By aunt john

Back in grade school, one of our recess ladies, Ms. Fontaine, had feathered blond hair and a scratchy voice. She always reminded me of Callahan, Oscar Goldman's secretary on the BIONIC WOMAN. After catching the episode where Callahan revealed herself to be one of the FEMBOTS, I made countless excuses so I could spend recess indoors. I was convinced Ms. Fontaine was a robot, and I was too terrified to go outside and play tether ball when she was there.

Editor's note: Hey Bryan, whatever you do don't look at THIS!