Are you ready to feel super old? All of the images below belong to films released twenty darn years ago! How many of these ancient relics can you identify?
Traumafessions: Unk on Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
Director BOB CLARK's name rightfully pops up every holiday season in connection to his contrasting holiday classics A CHRISTMAS STORY and BLACK CHRISTMAS. If those monumental movies weren't enough to cement his status as a potent filmmaker you've also got the influential teen sex comedy PORKY'S and the allegorical Vietnam war zombie flick DEATH DREAM as further proof. But it's the mention of CLARK's too often shrugged off, earlier living dead soiree CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS that still sends a quiet chill of dread down my spine. How can that be? The movie is hilarious camp! Why, just look at the character's outdated clothes and hairstyles! What a chuckle fest! Sure, maybe I take it less seriously these days and maybe I even find lumps of it annoying and borderline boring but the damn thing still makes me privately wince on some level.
I could brush it away and say that my aversion stems from having caught its ghoulish dime store depravity too many times at too late an hour at a far too impressionable age but the disquiet feels deeper than the echo of nostalgia. As sarcastic and theatrical as CHILDREN loudly presents itself to be, there's no painting over its oppressive wall of infinite-seeming eeriness. It gets to me. Those electric seventies howling bleeps and whistles, the painful groaning of slow-motion visuals and especially its neon meets inky oblivion color pallet. It's as if if THE BRADY BUNCH cancelled their Grand Canyon camping trip and decided to vacation in DOGVILLE instead. Nothing can freak me out faster than that dense end of the world background blackness. It‘s a forewarning of that air guitar riddled FAMILY TIES episode in which Alex mourns his dead friend Greg. It's freaky and off-putting but there's a swirl of stripped down borderline humiliating coldness to it too. Black isn't a color, black eats colors for breakfast. We're all heading there, right?
On a brighter note: Orville! I genuinely love this guy! Every living dead flick worth its salt should have one standout signature zombie and in my book, Orville leaves most of his shuffling brethren in the dust. To truly understand and get the most out of this picture you must both FEAR and ROUTE FOR Orville. As much nausea as he may inspire, and as much dread as he might instill, the long suffering lummox is so outrageously disrespected that its not difficult to find his patiently prepared, masterly marinated stew o' vengeance delectably delicious. You know, if the whole world has to come crashing down for Orville to have the last laugh on his smug oppressor, I'm absolutely OK with that…and fall down it does. Are spoiler warnings even necessary when talking about zombie flicks? You can bet your bottom dollar this baby closes out with the pessimistic understanding that we've only witnessed the tip of the iceberg in regards to the world's well-deserved demise.
Hey, this traumafession about how CSPWDT scared me as a kid and still creeps me out today, also happens to be a "Sunday Streaming" post cuz I found it on YouTube! Like I nearly said before, the dialogue can be perturbing and the acting hammy and the pace almost dawdling but there's still something unnerving burrowing around here. If nothing else, you have to admit that the title remains sound advice. Respect the dead today because tomorrow they're YOU!
Name That Thirty Year Old Horror Movie!
Happy Birthday to all of the groovy 1987 horror flicks that turn 30 this year! These gems are aging like fine wine! How many can you identify?
Kinder-Link:: Amanda Reyes Visits Dangerous Minds
Let's take a field trip over to DANGEROUS MINDS! That cool joint is interviewing our pal AMANDA REYES about her upcoming book entitled ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? A TV MOVIE COMPENDIUM 1964-1999! Amanda gives an overview of some of the shiniest jewels in the TV Movie universe and the full flicks are even included so you can catch what you might have missed! It's everything you could possibly want besides an egg salad sandwich and a frosty Yoo-hoo! After you've read the post go mow a lawn and save some money to buy that book! Even if yours truly didn't contribute a tiny portion to it, your favorite shelf would be begging for that lovely tome to sit on it! Jump on over HERE! These TV Movie classics can't watch themselves!
Traumafession:: Grant G. on Mego Dolls and Cyborg Annie Ross in Superman III
My name's Grant, and I write a blog called FIRE BREATHING DIMETRODON TIME where I watch wonderfully fun old adventure shows and movies with my son, now five, and see how he enjoys them. Since he's still small, we haven't hit anything like the heights of horror that you all celebrate, but he's been mildly frightened by various threats like the Sleestak and a couple of Batman's enemies.
I'd like to share a ridiculous traumafession of my own. I get the impression that quite a few people were traumatized when Annie Ross got turned into a cyborg in Superman III. It rocked me as well, but perhaps in not quite the same way as most.
I saw Superman III in theaters, but I'm pretty sure it didn't give me the creeps until a year later, when it showed up on HBO. So this is 1984, and my best buddy and I had pretty impressive collections of Mego's 8-inch tall superhero dolls. He and I really were, in the words of parents, "too old to be playing with dolls," but I enjoyed being a kid and was in no hurry to discover girls and guitars yet. I had superheroes and Shogun Warriors to play with.
Mego dolls had been out of production for at least five years by that point, but we were still scouring garage sales and anywhere we could think of to find new Mego bodies – Star Trek, Dukes of Hazzard, Emergency, whatever – to customize into new characters for our various Justice Leagues. Of course, since we were 12, we didn't have the skills necessary to make good costumes for the toys, but we did have lots of paint, multi-colored electrical tape, duct tape, and imaginations.
So one day that summer, I was playing in my room and decided that Superman was going to get grabbed by an indestructible robot – Biotron from the Micronauts – and turned into a cyborg like Annie Ross in the movie. So I interrupted the action and spent about an hour carefully cutting out detailed little duct tape circuitry for Superman's hands and face, planning to sic the Man of Steel on his low-powered colleagues like Falcon, Human Torch, and Green Arrow.
And somehow, admiring my handiwork, it suddenly sunk in that this was really terrifying. I was actively bothered by what happened to Annie Ross's character in the movie… and my toys weren't fun anymore so I quit playing that adventure. I remember having this sinking feeling in my gut, and the next time HBO showed Superman III – because we watched favorite movies every single time HBO showed them, probably within a week – I started dreading her conversion so much I couldn't enjoy the movie anymore. Then I started having nightmares. Then I packed up the toys and started paying attention to girls and guitars.
Sadly, very few of those toys have survived into adulthood, although my Mego Supergirl is still with me, her shoes long lost and replaced by spare Batgirl boots with red electrical tape, and my Shogun Warrior Daimos still looms from atop a bookshelf, with a little bit of 40 year-old duct tape to help on its sides where a previous owner tried peeling away the sticker from around its massive robotic waist.
Official Traumatizer: Author Richard Adams
Very recently (12,24,16) we lost the great and noble inadvertent traumatizer, author RICHARD ADAMS who passed away at the ripe old age of 96. Two of ADAMS' books, WATERSHIP DOWN and PLAGUE DOGS, both concerning the plight of vulnerable animals in a heartless world, were turned into animated feature films which subsequently have been responsible for more indelible anguish than any less well meaning horror film. I think it's safe to say that on these pages we have received more traumafessions (HERE, HERE and HERE for example) regarding WATERSHIP DOWN than any flick starring Freddy Krueger. With it's notorious "shotgun scene," PLAGUE DOGS makes it clear that it's just as woke, savvy and capable of shredding viewers every preconception of what animated films were capable of depicting.
I wish I could honestly tell you that I've read either of the books mentioned but no, I haven't and I can safely say that I never will because hey, I know my limitations. I'm sure I told you before that I'd rather see a human decapitated than a bunny with a splinter. In any case, we here at Kindertrauma salute RICHARD ADAMS eternally for fighting the good fight and opening so many minds to the vulnerability and emotional complexity of our four-footed friends. WATERSHUP DOWN and PLAGUE DOGS may have traumatized many an unsuspecting young viewer but sometimes that's what you have to do to shake a human from his or her cocoon of complacency. Like any great Artist ADAMS changed a lot of hearts. Now go hug the nearest animal in honor of him!
Official Traumatizer:: Suspiria TV Commercial
Now seems like a good time to award the infamous SUSPIRIA TV commercial with the coveted OFFICIAL TRAUMATIZER award! I mean, what could be more 2016 than a benign, almost comforting image that spins around to reveal a shrieking death skull? Seriously- what gives with this evil commercial? You don't have to be Don Draper to know that television ads don't traditionally threaten the viewer with their own demise. What's more impressive is the fact that this TV spot is so wickedly brazen that it doesn't even deign to derive its power from one of the most visually stunning films in the history of horror! Moreover, by most accounts this seething slap of psychosis was broadcast willy-nilly and any time of the day scarring unsuspecting kids across the country (for which we thank it). Here are just a few choice trauma-testimonials we've harvested thus far….
Reader Bilgin:
When SUSPIRIA first came out, I remembered seeing the trailer for it on TV. All you would see is a woman brushing her hair from behind and her singing, "Roses are red, violets are blue, the iris is a flower…..(something, something) SUSPIRIA!! After that, every time it came on, my sister and I would run from the room. Needless to say, since my mom was a horror lover we ended up seeing it at a matinee. I was 9 and my sister was 6.
Father of Tears:
I was "introduced" to this TV trailer back in 1977 during a commercial break for "Welcome Back Kotter". I first thought it was some surreal shampoo commercial until "she" turned around! It was one of those "heart leap into throat" scares! I was 10 when that came out and every time it was on I would run out of the room while my 7-year old sister would RUN into the room to watch it!
For the above reasons and more the SUSPIRIA TV commercial deserves to be recognized as an audacious, self-standing trauma-inducing device of the highest order and for that we salute it! Of course, words can never do it justice so make sure to watch the menace to society below….
Name That Trauma:: Vincent T. on White-Haired Humanoid Cavern Dwellers
Hi Kinder!
Maybe you can help me! I'm looking for a movie I saw 25 years ago and I can't remember the name. Here is the story I remember: a couple of adventurers (speleologists, I think) go into some caverns where they discover humanoid inhabitants. These people have all white hair and skin. As I remember, they don't speak (maybe a few do) and they use their mouth sounds to kill or whatever. I remember also that they use a slingshot to kill… I think that at the beginning of the story they are friendly but became angry for some reason, I forget… Plz help me. I've been looking for this movie for ages and can't find it on the net … bleedy holidays to you!
Vincent T.
UNK SEZ: I asked Vincent if it could be THE TIME MACHINE (1960) based on the white creatures but he said the movie must be from the 1980s. After a little more searching I found somebody else looking for a similarly described film and the correct answer turned out to be WHAT WAITS BELOW (1984)! How have I missed this movie all of these years? It stars ROBERT (ASYLUM) POWELL and the great LISA (DEAD AND BURIED) BLOUNT! Hey, it's on YouTube! While I wait to hear from Vincent, let's check it out below!
