kindertrauma

Tag: General Horror

Five Underrated: By Unk

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Summer is here and the time is right for hitting the great outdoors… but vicariously through a TV set because it’s way too hot to step outside. Nightmare road trips are a horror staple so here are a few underrated flicks about folks who live to regret going where they shouldn’t have gone…

ANIMAL (2014) surely could have used a more distinctive title but I can’t be mad at a movie that delivers fine monster design, impressive practical effects, a committed cast (which includes future NOPE star Keke Palmer, CHASING AMY’s Joey Lauren Adams and Thorsten Kaye of SHARK ATTACK 2) and generous gore. It’s a monster movie AND a “Cabin in the woods” jaunt and I dig that it is simple, up front, streamlined and refreshingly straightforward. Some might prefer a little more explanation as to how, why or what the formidable creature is but I’m just going to assume its the offspring of the beloved mercury mutant(s) that wrecked havoc in John Frankenheimer’s PROPHECY (’79) and consider it an unofficial sequel. Extra bonus points for the Tomandandy (THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (’02), THE HILLS HAVE EYES (’06) THE STRANGERS (’08)) score!

THE MONSTER (2016) is written and directed by Bryan Bertino who did the same duties with THE STRANGERS (’08) but it takes a completely different nerve shredding path to provoke anxiety. Rather than fears of home invasion being stoked, this movie reminds ya how leaving your safe space is fraught with multiple dangers as well. As a card carrying agoraphobe, the hackneyed “car breaks down in the middle of nowhere’ scenario works on me all too well and the additional burden of having to look after someone else only adds to the unease. Here, a young mother with substance abuse issues (Zoe Kazan) is driving her teenage daughter to her dad’s house for her co-custody visit. The car hits a wolf and the two are stranded in the woods awaiting help with more than a few familial issues to iron out and something much worse than any canine on their tail. This one was released by A24 so you know it’s moody, determined to play with audience expectations, and not necessarily always a popcorn crowd-pleaser but Kazan delivers a harrowing performance and Bertino knows how to inject depth and tension to every hairy turn.

PRIMAL (2010) is an Australian mash-up of horror sub-genres that’s action packed, super kinetic and wonderfully grotesque. We’re in familiar territory from the get-go as a group of friends are on a road trip to study some cave art and sadly learn that said cave art is actually a warning for them to stay as far away as humanly possible (due to the tiny insects that can eat the tires off your car, the contaminated leech filled pond that can turn you into a feral fang toothed maniac, and the plethora of mysterious tentacles). If Cronenbergian contagion body horror is your bag you’re sure to be RABID (’77) for what comes next and if you dig possession flicks like DEMONS (’85) & THE EVIL DEAD (’81), or nature gone wacko flicks like THE RUINS (’08) you should feel right at home here too. Bad decisions abound and a few moments might be a little too slick for their own good but when this movie starts heading for the finish line it fires on all cylinders. The directing (and editing) by Josh Reed is refreshing and vivid, the cast is easy to hang with and the final girl-friendly finale is savage, off the wall, and utterly bizarre.

It’s back to Australia with DYING BREED (’08) a film that features not one but two legendary figures. I’m not talking about WOLF CREEK’S Nathan Phillips and writer, director Leigh Whannel who both star in the film, but a murderous cannibal known as “The Pieman” and the notorious Tasmanian tiger. Friends on a road trip (compete with multiple driving aerial shots, natch) travel into the wild in an attempt to complete their pal Nina( Mirrah Foulkes)’s deceased sister’s research involving an extinct marsupial who is rumored to still exist. They end up staying in a seedy backwoods hotel occupied by creepy, too friendly locals who turn out to be descendants of the dreaded “Pieman” and covertly keeping up the family legacy (by reheating Tobe Hooper’s non-vegan nachos). Triggering mayhem ensues on multiple levels & I’ll look past the (staged) animal cruelty because it fits the film’s survival of the fittest theme. There’s a WRONG TURN meets DELIVERANCE (’72) vibe that I just naturally find harrowing and an EDEN LAKE mean streak that bums me out in a way that I thoroughly respect. It’s a tension packed cannibal meat pie with more than a few surprise teeth baked into the dish.

Speaking of TCM, the sadly hard to find (check YouTube or Dailymotion) Indonesian blood soaked gorefest MACABRE (2009) deserves a lot more eyes on it. A group of victims, I mean friends, are driving to the airport (for a job offer in Australia no less) when they spot a young woman who seems stranded and lost. Not realizing you can never trust any other human in this life ever, they decide to play good Samaritan and drive her home. Ostensibly wanting to repay their kindness, she invites them in to meet her family leaving out the detail that her family is insane, kills folks on the regular, and sells the scraps to rich peeps who want to stay looking young (Main mama villain Shareefa Daanish is truly stunning so it’s clear the murder=Youth theory has got some merit). This movie rallies near DEAD ALIVE (’92)-level carnage with gusto as the group (which includes a very pregnant woman) try their hardest to escape the lunatic family while their numbers dwindle in the grisliest of ways fast. Who will survive and what will be left of them (spoiler: not many & not much!)?

Recently Viewed: Final Destination: Bloodline, Bring Her Back & Fear Street: Prom Night

Posted on By unkle lancifer
I’ve never met a FINAL DESTINATION movie that I didn’t enjoy. Even its most maligned sequel (2009’s fourth entry) is fine by me. I absolutely relate to the series’ inherent paranoid catastrophizing and I was born to dig its melodious marriage of the horror and disaster movie genres. Furthermore, I admire the franchise’s commitment to creative deaths and appreciate its consistent spotlighting of folks like myself suffering from Cassandra complexes. Happily, the latest entry, FINAL DESTINATION: BLOODLINES grabs the series’ calamity baton with gusto and delivers a fine blend of crowd pleasing shocks that push the series into fresh territory while still providing gratifying fan service (not to mention a lovely adieu to beloved horror icon Tony Todd) that cleverly weaves the installments together without painting itself into a corner. This is definitely a movie that should be seen in the theater not only for the legit visual spectacle of it all, but to share in the inevitable hoot and hollering it inspires with fellow audience members. I don’t have to tell you the plot do I? Of course not. Just know this is the rarest of birds, a late entry in a franchise that may arguably be its finest.
I do have to tell y'all that I saw FD:B in something called 4DX which I never even heard of before. It literally blew me away. The chairs went up and down like a darn roller coaster, wind was blown when appropriate and water was squirted into my face during scenes of blood splatter! There was even a rubber house wiggling around my ankles to simulate shuffling debris (but it really just reminded me of the good old days when you might encounter a rat in the theater searching for fallen popcorn). I was a little scared that I had to sit next to a potential lughead (!) but my dude turned out to be a great provider of hilarious commentary and clearly enjoyed the bone crushing mayhem as much as I did. All in all, it was an incredible experience I will never forget and the most fun I’ve had in ages.
On the complete opposite end of the fun-o-meter is the devastating bleak-grenade BRING HER BACK, the latest flick from the undeniably talented Philippou brothers whose previous effort was the truly terrifying (imo) TALK TO ME. This unabashed dread porn overdose is beautifully shot, stuffed with indelible images, exquisitely acted and somehow a bit too dour and depressing even for a card carrying Eeyore Stan like myself. I think it even threatened to knock me into the same psychotic pit of depression that THE LODGE did back in 2019 and I can't say I was fully down with that. I guess the filmmakers could not have known that I was in a fragile state having had to dispose of a poor dead opossum that died in my yard earlier that morning but I still feel mercilessly psychologically bullied and tormented all the same. I know I signed up for horror but a mere 5 minute intermission involving cartoon puppies (not opossums) would have been much appreciated by yours truly.
This unrepentant non stop funeral dirge begins with a teen boy named Andy (Billy Barratt) and his blind younger sister Piper (Sora Wong) discovering the dead body of their father in the shower. The two hapless siblings are threatened to be separated but wind up being foster-cared for by a woman named Laura (Sally Hawkins- who is frankly, TOO GOOD at playing a manipulative lunatic and now I’ll never see her any other way). Laura is beyond unhinged, she’s hinge-repellent and she lives in an unnerving mid century modern home with too many windows where it rains all the time (you can nearly smell the mold and mildew) with a kid who looks like young Jason Voorhees and (of course) a perpetually vulnerable cat named I believe, “Garbage Man” (and probably on street called “Ari Aster Lane”). Naturally, Laura is a great big personified urn of spinning grief because her daughter (who was Piper’s age) somehow drowned in her annoyingly shaped pool. Not to be cruel, but Laura should have just gotten over it instead of causing havoc, flirting with witchcraft, convening with basement cults, making Susan Tyrell in BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER (’82) look sane and acting like she never saw Mary Lambert’s classic adaption of Stephen King’s PET SEMATERY before. I mean, if I’m advising a person to “move on” in life, you know that person is seriously circling (in this case, almost literally) the drain.
BRING HER BACK is an admirable work of art that expertly wrings every once of woe and gloom it can from the viewer… and I want it to go away and never cross my path again. I will not be buying the DVD to proudly place next to my valued copy of TALK TO ME on the shelf because I am sure I will never be in a secure enough mental space in the future to watch it again. So I say congratulations on a job well done but no thanks to this joyless misery crawl (actually there was one funny part when Laura’s (not long for this world) co-worker visits, sees the gaudy bedroom Piper is residing in and quips “Good thing she’s blind” under her breath. That was indeed high comedy but it was like drowning in the ocean and spying a life preserver floating way too far away to ever possibly reach).
FEAR STREET: PROM QUEEN reminded me a lot of my own 1980’s high school experience in that it is filled with a lot of forgettable characters and it should have been a lot more fun. Which isn’t to say that there are not a few bright spots. There’s a couple of amusing kills, the music selection is impeccable and I did enjoy seeing both Lili Taylor ('99's unintentionally hilarious THE HAUNTING) and Chris Klein (I watch JUST FRIENDS (2005) nearly every Xmas) having fun chewing the scenery. Unfortunately, the whole affair is so busy pirating the past that it forgets to find its own identity and its sad killer reveal is so brazenly obvious from the get-go that it lacks any sting. Its comically campy climax is almost worth the slog but its failure to make any of the young characters even remotely identifiable from each other is almost painful. It’s definitely not up to the quality of the previous trilogy loosely based on the works of R.L Stine but I suppose you could do much worse in the teen slasher department. I’ll give it some leeway based on its soundtrack alone even though I can assure you that it’s depiction of high school students having “dance-offs” to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” circa 1988 is about as historically inaccurate (not to mention cringe) as you can get. Amusingly, one of its promotional ads sports a tagline that reads “This Party Is So Dead” which pretty much turns out to be a rare example of truth in advertising.

Recently Viewed: Sinners, Hell of a Summer, Werewolves & Until Dawn

Posted on By unkle lancifer

SINNERS is something truly special, an instant classic and one of the most impressive and epic vampire films ever made. This is true prestige horror that offers a full meal so do yourself a favor and see it in the theater where its glorious cinematography can shine and its outstanding score can be heard in its purest form. I feel like I really lucked out by somehow never witnessing a commercial or trailer for Ryan Coogler and Michael B. Jordan’s latest collaboration and so every moment that unfolded seemed to offer a fresh revelation. I read zero reviews but was aware that word was positive though even with that knowledge I was not prepared for how moving, transportive and provocative the film would be. The greatest surprise perhaps is what a great testament it is to the power of music and I’ll just say there’s a scene that connects the past, present and future so beautifully that I’m still getting chills right now thinking about it. Having said that, the less you know the better so I won’t say much more but if you love movies this is a must see. I was blown away by multiple performances, the assured direction and just how deeply it cuts. I’ve seen some compare it to FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (’96) and that’s true in some surface and structural ways but I think its stronger, more frightening elements reminded me more of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (’78) and THE THING (’82) in that much of the horror and tension comes from the frightening realization that one can never trust others completely; not even those closest to us. That’s just one take away from literal infinite layers and insights this stunning work offers but it’s one I felt was particularly relatable in our current world.

HELL OF A SUMMER is a fun and frothy ode to camp(y) slasher flicks with a winning cast that may be a bit too cautious for its own good. It’s been-there, done-that magpie Frankenstein approach is both its selling point and its curse as some of its greatest attributes are borrowed and it sometimes fails to make a deep enough cut of its own. The plot is mostly color by numbers with a group of young folks preparing a camp for opening day getting picked off one by one by a masked serial killer. THREE’S COMPANY level misunderstandings provid laughs and road bumps along the way. It’s an agreeable enough good time that would probably benefit from multiple views but I can’t help wishing it leaned into FRIDAY THE 13th (’80) / THE BURNING (’81) gore as much as it does the HAPPY CAMPERS, WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER (both 2001) humor (that’s me though- I’m always wishing for more bloodshed and HOAS’ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME inspired poster may have gotten my hopes up too high). Above all, its greatest asset is jolly lead Fred Hechinger (He of Netflix’s FEAR STREET and the phenomenal THELMA (2024) ) who makes the whole excursion worthwhile with his buoyantly bonkers and constantly entertaining performance. He pretty much carries the whole canoe on his back uphill and in my handbook, deserves all the merit badges.

WEREWOLVES is insane and preposterous and god help me, a delightful good time. Folks say you should never use the term “guilty pleasure” because you shouldn’t feel guilty for liking something but phrases exist for a reason and yes, I do feel guilty for enjoying this nonsensical, wacked-out werewolf rampage movie and that guilt is part of the fun and should not be policed! This movie is almost the exact opposite in intention as Leigh Whannell’s recent maudlin joykiller WOLF MAN and its all the better for it. Plus, guess what it delivers in up-the-wazoo spades? Werewolves. Giant, hairy, sharp toothed dog-faced, black nosed, pointy eared werewolves (who sometimes even wear adorable outfits). Color me smitten and doing a silent prayer thank you bow as we speak. Listen to this: the world we’re presented here is still recovering from a super moon that took place a year ago which turned roughly half the population into werewolves. Obviously this occurrence was not ideal so preparations are made to curb the lycanthropic enthusiasm during the up and coming super moon. Mistakes are made, blunders abound and poor soldier/scientist Wesley Marshall (Frank Grillo giving J. Statham and even K. Russell a run for their money) must save the world (and his widowed sister in law and niece) from roving bands of giant howling beasts that seemed to have been raised on radioactive Alpo and PURGE sequels. It’s so goofy but it’s also exactly what would make me scream into my Snoopy sleeping bag as a monster loving kid. Again, not proud, but there in lies the all the fuzzy fun.

UNTIL DAWN operates more like a video game than the actual video game it’s based on. Directed by David F. Sandberg (LIGHTS OUT (2016), ANNABELLE: CREATION (2017), UNTIL DAWN operates a bit like 2014’s EDGE OF TOMORROW (aka LIVE, DIE, REPEAT) with characters trapped in a loop experiencing their own demises multiple times until they can hopefully suss out an escape. An excessively attractive group of young folks hit the road in search of a missing sibling (cue standard aerial shot of car winding through the woods) only to find themselves trapped facing a litany of supernatural horror staples. It’s a bit CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011) meets TOURIST TRAP (’79)/ HOUSE OF WAX (2005) and although it won’t win any awards for originality it does steadily provide the comfort horror gruel we all deserve. Much like the late nineties/early aughts output of Dark Castle Entertainment (HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (’99), THIRTEEN GHOSTS (2001), et al.) it’s a little too slick and glossy for its own good but admirably maintains a mean streak when it comes to bloodshed and creature design. Sandberg knows his way around constructing false diversion scares so what could have been as limp as something like last years’ pedestrian TAROT actually provides a few genuine jolts. Sadly, it’s not always possible to overcome the lack of high stakes baked into the script but the cast is likable enough (I mean c’mon Peter Stormare as the creepy antagonist is worth the price of admission alone) and the flick is generous enough with the creative kills that its hard not to have a good time. Poor UNTIL DAWN probably would have benefited by being released much later in the dog days of summer (and further away from the shadow of mammoth SINNERS) but I’m betting it’ll find the appreciative comfort horror audience it deserves in due time. It’s perfect slumber party fare.

The Monkey

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There’s an area in our home referred to as “The Black Hole” as things tend to disappear there never to be seen again. The notion that something uncanny exists in the space is backed up by the fact that our cats often stare into it as if seeing something we don’t. The corner consistently aggravates due to it being adjacent to the stereo which means CD’s and their covers are often separated. About seven years ago I put an ALICE IN WONDERLAND Cheshire Cat weeble-wobble figurine on top of a speaker and it too went missing. I searched for hours and actually began to think a houseguest had stolen it. One day years later it seemed to reappear but it turned out that my husband had simply purchased a new one off of eBay (in hopes surely that he would never have to hear about the missing object again). Appeased, I moved on. Then, this past holiday season I went to fetch the Christmas music mix CD we’ve played every year for the last decade only to find that it too had vanished. As I searched the area once again saying aloud “It’s gone forever, nothing ever comes back from this space” and while thinking of the Cheshire cat specifically, I looked exactly where I had looked many times before only to see him! He was facing straight forward, plain as day, smiling directly at me! So now there were TWO identical Cheshire cat toys, great! I placed them next to each other and we went to an Xmas party, told the tale to a couple friends and came home later to find that… one had disappeared again! Maybe a cat knocked it over? There’s several logical explanations but it was gone again for sure. I’ve again searched everywhere. All this to say, I know exactly what it’s like to give an inanimate object the side eye and worry that it may not be exactly what it seems. Something tells me I will come across that grimacing orange face again.

Anyhoo, Osgood Perkins’ THE MONKEY is mostly your basic cursed object tale based oh so very loosely on a short story by Stephen King. It starts out fairly faithful but Perkins, apparently high off the lingering lunatic fumes of LONGLEGS, drives the whole kit and caboodle (I just learned the phrase is not “kitten” Caboodle”) into wacky town. Inherited generational trauma is at it again as Petey Shelburn Sr. (Adam Scott giving Richard Benjamin) finds he’s in possession of a murderous monkey toy who causes death and destruction whenever he plays his drum (much like the mannequin in ODDITY, its hard to believe anyone could look at it and not immediately presume it was evil incarnate). The damned toy ends up in the paws of his neglected twin boys (both played impressively by Christian Convovery), Hal (a nerd) and Bill (a bully) who try to dispose of the thing only to find it has returned years later to wreak havoc on them as adults (Theo James takes over the part in later years playing the duo with much winking zest). Childhood resentments between the two resurface as the monkey keeps drumming and the world turns into chaos around them. This is a very broad, throw everything at the wall black comedy that has no interest in the slithery unease that Perkins has built his reputation on. It probably forgoes some of its potential fright factor in favor of gross out gags but that will probably work in its favor in the future for those looking for a casual cult-ready horror party movie to watch.

For the most part, so much fun is clearly being had that you can’t help chuckling along with the gruesome gallows humor but some of it is so punch drunk giddy that it had me wishing it would settle down, sit up straight and take things more seriously. I love the whole time crash aesthetic of the film (it looks like it takes place in every decade besides the ones it actually does take place in), I dig its commitment to the sparkle motion of slapstick gore and elaborate FINAL DESTINATION-style calamity demises (the cherry on top fate of a busload of cheerleaders is chef’s kiss) and the performances are fun, eighties-style broad stroke joys to behold (Theo James’ take on adult Bill is almost channeling Billy Zane in DEMON KNIGHT ('95), Elijah Woods is a hoot, Sarah Levy and Tatiana Mislay have a campy blast and Perkins provides one of the most hilarious director cameos ever committed to film). But again, it does get to be a bit silly at times. A scene involving a hornets nest and now seemingly chronic movie disruptor Rohan Campbell (HALLOWEEN ENDS’ notorious Corey Cunningham) is so over the top it would be more fitting for a Roadrunner cartoon. It’s all still highly entertaining for sure, but I was sort of reminded of the “Angel in the Morning” moment in IT: CHAPTER 2 when ya kinda wish the goofiness was taken down a notch. That said, as much as I wish THE MONKEY stung the psyche as enthusiastically as the funny bone and maintained a bit more of the dread of the original story, there’s no denying the infectiousness of Perkins’ twisted enthusiasm. His genuine love of the genre is clear throughout and it’s a gift to witness him take his moody gloves off and play pander-free with this sometimes wildly macabre, sometimes utterly ridiculous wind-up toy.

Heart Eyes

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A part of me wishes that the entire planet blew up while I was watching HEART EYES to insure that I died happy and doing what I loved most. It’s no secret I love slasher movies and there’s a special fluffy space in my heart for a holiday slasher that I can count on to view annually. If said movie also sports likable characters, grisly kills, a morbid sense of humor and clear genuine respect for its early eighties predecessors then I’m in the cloud nine zone. Director Josh Rubin (WEREWOLVES WITHIN)’s HEART EYES gets exactly everything right in my book. It’s tons of fun, laugh out loud funny and delightfully vicious. It moves at a perpetual gallop, has a plethora of twists and turns and glides by dispensing impressive quantities of both mirth and mayhem. It also works very well as a frothy rom-com with both Olivia Holt (TOTALLY KILLER) and Mason Gooding (SCREAMS 5&6) delivering charming, pitch-perfect performances. I’m telling you, I actually missed this movie when it was over. I hated to say goodbye. Returning to the drudgery of reality was dreadful so I stopped at a bar on the way home just to ease my entertainment withdrawal.

An opening news footage montage (shades of MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D (2009) ) informs that the “Heart Eye Killer” (aka “HEK”) has been terrorizing cities (including Philly, yay) for the last couple years on Valentines Day. The masked murderer with literal heart eyes that glow has a penchant for singling out couples in love. Currently he seems to have settled on Seattle for his hunting grounds. Enter Ally (Holt, adorable) a recently dumped quip-ready misanthrope who works in advertising and is forced by her boss Crystal (scene stealing Michaela Watkins) to teem up with designer Jay Simmons (Gooding, also adorable) to brainstorm a more positive angle for selling their product. Ally and Jay butt heads as expected but when the grousing non-couple bump into Ally’s ex boyfriend, she kisses Jay passionately in order to save face. Unfortunately, this action is viewed by you guessed it, ol’ Heart Eyes and soon the bickering duo are number one in the maniac’s crosshairs. Things get further complicated when a couple of police officers named Hobbs and Shaw (Devon Sawa and Jordan Brewster, both outstanding and aging like fine wine) begin to suspect that Jay is actually the killer!

HEART EYES was written by Phillip Murphy with I’m thinking a strong assist from comedy-horror veterans Christopher Landon and Michael Kennedy (FREAKY, IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE, HAPPY DEATH DAY et al). Obviously, comedy is subjective so I can’t promise everyone will find this movie as hilarious as I did (I sometimes fear I’m living in INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and I’m the last soul with a sense of humor) but it hit yours truly directly on the funny bone and made me laugh out loud frequently. And I have to say, the chemistry between the two leads is exceptional. Honestly, I barely noticed Gooding in the SCREAM flicks but he potently charms here and Holt is wonderfully wry and effervescent. Impressively, the rom-com undercurrent bubbles like champagne without flattening the savagery of the slasher elements in any way; it’s like they’re perfectly married. As far as I’m concerned, HEART EYES is a keeper across the board. It skillfully fulfills its duty as a body count flick with memorably sadistic kills while delivering some of the most engaging characters I’ve encountered in a while (Can’t add more on that front without spoiling). If you dig slashers, horror or just pure escapism I highly recommend you see this gem in theaters. It filled my heart fully and is there any better recommendation than the fact that this devout shut-in cheapskate plans to see it again tomorrow?

The Wolf Man (2025) & Presence

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There’s much to admire about Leigh Whannell’s (perhaps too) tasteful take on THE WOLF MAN but while nobly attempting to bring something fresh to the lycanthrope table it gets a bit lost in the woods and sadly doesn’t quite scratch the werewolf itch. This movie boasts a thoughtful, script, sincere performances (Christopher Abbot, Julia Garner & Matilda Firth are all great), at least one nerve shredding set piece (cleverly involving a slash-ready greenhouse), and plenty of heart but strays so far from its source inspiration that it muffles its howl and comes off almost sheepish. If it was say, a remake of THE BEAST WITHIN (’82), I’d be plenty satisfied, but it’s not and I feel like I didn’t get my proper dose of werewolf. Do I need more fur on my werewolf tale? Yes, I think so. I did appreciate that it offers a singular view of what it might be like to slowly loose your humanity and how its clear commitment to its characters sparks a romantic tragedy that nicely mirrors Cronenberg’s THE FLY. It makes absolute sense that after the successful THE INVISIBLE MAN that a similar counter intuitive approach be taken here but as my grandmother always said “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander but what’s good for the invisible man may not be good for the wolf man” or something to that effect.

There’s a key part of the film in which a moving van careens off of the road, crashes down an embankment and lands teetering in a tree threatening to smash down twenty feet below and possibly splatter someone. The escape of all involved is tense and anxiety inducing but the van fails to fall. Much later we return to the scene (this flick has a flair for callbacks) and so the van has a second chance to flatten someone but still never does. And I feel like that’s a good illustration of the movie in general. It’s packed like a moving van full of, interesting ideas, it absolutely puts you in a state of tense, unease for much of its runtime but it never seems to deliver its full potential impact. I’d say it’s still worth checking out and I’ll leave room for it to grow on me but for the most part, in the case of THE WOLF MAN I may be an old dog weary of new tricks (and less fantastic creature design).

Impressively eclectic Steven Soderberg’s persistently puzzling PRESENCE offers a unique, literally haunting experience that’s both fascinating and disquieting. It may disappoint viewers looking for violence and wall to wall scares but those who enjoy the subtle and mysterious will be richly rewarded. Written by reliable David Koep ( DEATH BECOMES HER, STIR OF ECHOES) the film basically puts the viewer in the position of an ambiguous entity in a gorgeous house privy to goings on both mundane and eventually shocking. Lucy Liu and Chris Sulivan portray parents who move into a dream home with their teenage children, outgoing athletic son Tyler (Eddy Madday) and sensitive outsider daughter Chloe (Callina Lang). The unknown ghostly entity is especially drawn to Chloe who is mourning the loss of a friend who recently died of a drug overdose and we eventually come to understand that its interest is more protective than predatory (once, I finally assembled the pieces I got the always welcome gift of serious goosebumps). This is a movie that requires some patience but it has one humdinger of a twist that retroactively makes many of its small details become monumental (and even moving) in retrospect. Not a flick for a Friday party but absolutely perfect for a rainy afternoon indoors.

Satan's Blade ('84)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here I am, after shrugging off a few of the most highly regarded films of the past year to sing the praises of a rickety, shoddily hobbled together would-be supernatural slasher from 1984 called ….SATAN’S BLADE. Writer/Director L. Scott Castillo Jr.’s stab at a FRIDAY THE 13th -style body count flick is stuffed with bad acting, questionable dialogue, wall to wall cliches and clunky set-pieces and yet I found it highly entertaining. The snowy setting and woodsy eighties decor is like comforting visual hot cocoa to me ( it’s giving SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT meets DEVIL TIMES FIVE) and the actors though amateurish, are dressed in the finest outfits the decade had to offer. We’re almost edging toward a ski comedy here which is my second favorite genre after horror (HOT DOG…THE MOVIE, SKI PATROL, SKI SCHOOL 1&2, all gems). Surprising, this forgotten wonder even has a nightmare dream sequence dipped in crazy filters and an impressively hideous make-up job that's truly unsettling. If the whole film matched this scene's otherworldly creepiness you’d have an art house staple. Instead, you get some dishwater dull relationship filler to bide your time with before the heads roll. Oh, well.

We start off with an unconvincing bank robbery and some hastily added nudity to satisfy distributors. Then we meet two couples on a weekend winter outing in Big Bear to celebrate a recent graduation from law school. At the lodge’s reception desk the gang bangs into a gaggle of girls who will be staying in a next door cabin where a few murders took place the night before (!) and an oldster with a broken arm who warns of a curse on the joint. Pranks, jealousies, gossiping, foreboding fishermen, pizza, whiskey a love triangle and multiple murders follow. It’s all very by the book (and Borderline SCOOBY DOO) with a final twist shocking revelation of the killer/culprit and an epilogue promising/threatening more of the same and even an awkward pre-credits coda proclaiming “The Legend Continues!”

Where has this movie been all my life? Right in front of my face. Truth is, I always foolishly avoided SATAN’S BLADE due to its vague and misleading VHS art which made me think it was some repackaged sword and sorcery flick. Plus, back in the day a rule of thumb I went by was to never make the mistake of renting a big box tape with no images of the actual movie on the back. Oh how many times I was burned! It’s OK though, I like to think movies come into your life when they are supposed to. It’s likely if I watched SATAN’S BLADE earlier I may not have appreciated its charming inadequacies at all. If you happen to dig zero budget homemade backyard horror and a wintry atmosphere this one is worth hunting down (Careful though, the version on YouTube is aggressively edited and missing full scenes). Its not by any means a good movie but it’s odd enough to always be interesting and although flaws abound it’s a hoot and a half and a rather cozy concentration-free early eighties time capsule.

Unk's Year of Horror: 2024

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I won't beat around the bush, Coralie Fargeat’s THE SUBSTANCE was by far my favorite film of 2024 and that’s that. This colorful, sometimes humorous film put me through an emotional ringer and the gooey special effects laden conclusion rocked me in ways I haven’t been rocked in literal decades. Demi Moore delivers a career defining tour de force performance and deserves to be pelted with laurels wherever she goes forever. I’ve heard some say the messaging was a bit on the nose but I for one appreciate the clarity. Yes, the entertainment industry is especially cruel to woman in regards to unrealistic beauty standards but the horror of aging confronted in this film is universal if you hang around on this spinning ball of nonsense long enough. This crazy, sad, gorgeous, disgusting, vibrant film left my jaw on the floor where it belongs and I can’t shake its slimy paw hard enough.

Robert Egger’s NOSFERATU is so cheerless, morose, hopeless and depressing that I publicly accuse it of reading my diary. It’s also just absolutely stunning on a visual level and if you have any goth leanings whatsoever it’s gonna float your plague ship. A true work of art stuffed with unforgettable imagery, it also vibrates with what feels like an authentic occult power. This is a perfect match up of subject matter and director and I absolutely love how Eggers utilizes darkness to such incredible effect. All the performances are pitch perfect too; Bill Skarsgard as the titular monster somehow is able to mimic the terrible voice in my head I thought only known to me, Nicholas Hoult is steadily sympathetic and expresses terror perfectly, Aaron Taylor Johnson is fascinatingly broody, Ralph Ineson is his usual stalwart self and chisel cheeked Lily Rose Depp is a revelation in her ability to conjure supernatural hysteria. Most importantly, the cat survives and gets to live with the ever wonderful William DeFoe. This movie reeks of death so of course it left me smitten.

THE FIRST OMEN is so damn good and easily the surprise of the year (second only to my rekindled tolerance of Tim Burton). After the debacle that was THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER, I severely adjusted my expectations considering a modern franchise film being able to add anything of value to its source material (particularly in the case of Satanic seventies movies). Me of little faith! Dare I say THE FIRST OMEN is actually on par with the first classic film? Nell Tiger Free is phenomenal as a tortured would be nun reluctantly unravelling a Satanic conspiracy in seventies era Rome (especially when notably channeling Isabelle Adjani in 1981’s POSSESSION) and once again, the great Ralph Ineson is present to provide his signature awesomeness. Director Arkasha Stevenson delivers the perfect dour, paranoid tone and the scenes of horror push the envelope in surprising ways. Subtle where it needs to be, brazen where it aught to be, this sinister flick delivers a full stand alone experience that also beautifully enhances and compliments its demonic parent movie. Kudos and who’d of thought?

Sure ALIEN: ROMULUS sported the wonkiest CGI effect this side of 1999 (what were those translucent ghost teeth about? I see better deep fakes via Tik Tok on the daily) and the dialogue didn’t need to be so heavy handed on the fan service (pulling direct lines from previous films is just plain lazy) BUT, and this is a big BUT, Fede Alvarez brought back the OG’s sci-fi haunted house vibe, brought back the scares and the ick factor and he brought back characters that you really want to root for (BTW: I LOVE the ALIEN films, it’s really just compromising COVENANT that spurs my ire). I dig the world building here, I adore the level of tension and I greatly appreciate the multitude of creative set pieces. If you can just sneak by a couple of its flaws as if they were sleeping facehuggers, this is one of the most rip-roaring, adrenaline pumping thrill rides in the decades spanning series.

Osgood Perkin's LONGLEGS is a fever dream of unbridled weirdness and I may never fully understand its crazy mash up of serial killer thriller and uncanny supernatural horror but I heartily salute its high flying freak flag. The combination of subliminal, haunting, often nostalgic visuals and the stellar above par performances of BOTH Nicholas Cage and the underrated Alicia Witt (the nearly unrecognizable Maika Monroe and Kieran Shipka are no slouches either) made for an unforgettable deep dive into unnerving madness. Hail Satan!

Director Parker Finn impressively carved SMILE 2 into the perfect grimacing sequel. It’s bigger, bolder and more outrageous than its predecessor and beautifully expands its scope of terror. In a year of really incredible performances in horror (see titles above) triple threat Naomi Scott brings down the house as a multi-talented pop star with a drug problem exasperated by an infectious deadly curse. The film’s spectacular grande finale dispatches a demented smorgasbord of grotesqueries that are somehow equal parts toe-tapping and stomach turning. Bravo!

Girls, and especially vampire girls, just want to have fun and ABIGAIL may not be the type of movie that garners awards but it thankfully delivers a grande old, violent, bloody and sometimes giddy good time. There’s a party atmosphere going on here and the guests are a stacked cast of the genre’s finest (THE GUEST’s Dan Stevens, SCREAM V&VI’s Melissa Berra, Kevin Durand, who also killed it in this year’s KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, FREAKY’s Kathryn Newton, STOKER’s Mathew Goode, MAXXXINE’s Giancarlo Esposito) and Alisha Weir (who also excelled in MATILDA: THE MUSICAL) nails the deadly titular character. I agree that the movie would have been more fun if it was possible to see it without knowing its central twist but I had an absolute blast just the same.

Art the clown (virtuoso David Howard Thornton) has been hacking up the independent horror scene for some time but he really hits his stride and straddles the zeitgeist with TERRIFIER 3, a holiday horrorfest that truly lives up to its name. This feral, repulsive movie put me on edge by making it clear from its unrated, unruly start that it knew no bounds and couldn’t care less about playing by the rules. If you’re not a fan of cinematic violence or gore I’d probably stay clear but if you enjoy testing your mettle and feeling like a whimpering kid wondering how much you can withstand, this winking wild card is for you.

MAXXXINE disappointed seemingly many as a trilogy closing conclusion to Ti West and Mia Goth’s collaborative X and PEARL but I found it to be an enticing stroll on the shadowy, sleazy side of the drenched-in-neon block. I’ve got a soft spot for eighties flavored seedy exploitation flicks like ANGEL, VICE SQUAD and THE EXTERMINATOR, salacious and often scary scours of city night life that have become basically extinct thanks to the Disneyfication of our culture. For me, flaws and missed opportunities aside, this tale of an abrasive gal’s touring of the Boulevard of Broken dreams (while evading The Night Stalker no less) was an appreciated nostalgic treat that brought back fond memories of the joy of naughtily staying up late to watch forbidden fruit on late night cable or renting it on VHS.

A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE scratched my disaster flick itch rigorously, warmed my creature feature loving heart and nicely ditched its nuclear family clan for more relatable and interesting (to me) square peg outsiders (Lupito Nyongo and Joseph Quinn, both excellent). It even features a lovable yet often anxiety stoking feline who clearly has more than nine lives to play with. Oh, if only the world would end on such a spectacular and less plodding note! Fingers (and beans) crossed!

FRESH VOICES: I thoroughly enjoyed spry squad IT’S WHATS INSIDE, CUCKOO and I SAW THE TV GLOW even though all three made me feel old as hell and maybe not so bright. IT’S WHATS INSIDE is an identity Rubik’s cube that I probably could have used a pad and paper to keep track of but once I got a handle on its language it turned into a challenging and ultimately satisfying CLUE-like old dark house mystery flick. The aptly titled CUCKOO dips Kubrickian chocolate into Cronenberg peanut butter and although I may never fully decipher its Orphan Annie on acid code ring, I dug its gorgeous setting, flashes of razor sharp horror and the incredible performances of Hunter Schafer and the impeccable Dan Stevens- that rare character actor with a leading man’s face. In my head I SAW THE TV GLOW leans more towards coming of age flick than horror (moon face dude and ice cream man are legit scary though) but its florescent visual poetry is stunning, its media addicted characters are relatable and its consistent disquiet vibe is genuinely entrancing.

THRILL ME, LUNATICS!: I got to the point last summer when I believed if I saw the trailer for SPEAK NO EVIL one more time, I too might lose my mind and go full blown postal. Still, James (yikes, EDEN LAKE) Watkins’ tight, taunt thriller about the dangers of keeping up appearances and not knowing when to cut your losses is a true nail biter and nobody but nobody does crazy like James McAvoy. Religion dissecting HERETIC leans toward the preachy itself and its second half doesn’t quite measure up to the first but the gift horse of an evil Hugh Grant should not be looked at in the mouth. NIGHT BITCH defies categorization yet this tale of a disgruntled house wife (an impressively fearless and award worthy Amy Adams) who is either going bonkers or transforming into a dog has enough body horror and borderline Lycanthropy in its kibble to certainly be considered horror adjacent. Surprisingly, for all its foaming at the mouth, it ends up being surprising poignant and inspirational in the (tail) end!

DECENT ENOUGH BUT NOT MY BAG: My Satanic seventies loving heart was really looking forward to LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL but although I loved the set up and the always great David Dastmalchian’s superb performance, the somewhat silly fireworks climax and overall broad, cardboard aesthetic left this Faustian tale in the friend zone for me. I found ODDITY to be objectively atmospheric and spooky at times but thought the story was mundane and that the character’s behavior (and that too convenient trapdoor) were pretty unconvincing. On paper (and in my Trapper Keeper), the Kathryn Newton starring, Diablo Cody-penned, zombie teen romance LISA FRANKENSTEIN should have been right up my fluorescent eighties alley but it lost much of its steam when it killed off its best character (Carla Gugino’s step-monster) early on and the humor never really clicked for me (which is strange since I think Cody’s YOUNG ADULT (2011) is hysterical). I’ve seen these three flicks (especially the first two) on many a “Best of the Year” list so I’m assuming the problem is me and that’s fine. .

THE UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS: No ill will intended but I found both M. Night Shyamalan’s TRAP and Lee Daniel’s THE DELIVERANCE to be so over the top loopy that they were unintentional laugh riots. They may not be well structured films but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t left, for better or worse, entertained. Josh Hartnett is phenomenal in TRAP regardless of the clunky material. He’s a real-deal charismatic movie star and TRAP is a solid reminder. Not so great is the preposterous, reality-defying script and anything to do with would-be pop star “Lady Raven” (Seleka Night, kindly taking some heat off of Sophia Coppola’s performance in THE GODFATHER III). Actors carry THE DELIVERANCE past the finish line too, with Glenn Close revealing sides of herself never imagined while receiving solid back up from the likes of Andre Day, Omar Epps and Mo'nique. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t commit to its possession premise till late in the game and when it does, it comes across as pure camp. Again, I’m not mad at either of these movies, they at least never bored me and they still crack me up.

NOPE, THAT AIN'T IT: Fans of THE STRANGERS & its groovy PREY AT NIGHT sequel deserved so much more than the halfhearted montage of nondescript forest stalking scenes the inconsistant Renny Harlin dumped to the curb (and so did the likable enough leads). TAROT wasted some very impressive creature design on a hoary tale with little bite. Slagging Blumhouse delivered an apparent flop trilogy with NIGHT SWIM, IMAGINARY and AFRAID. I only subjected myself to NIGHT SWIM (so far) and didn’t seem to hate it as much as others due to my chronic Wyatt Russell bias.

That’s about it. A pretty great year for horror with at least two future classics/debatable masterpieces (THE SUBSTANCE & NOSFERATU), rare sequels and prequels that actually delivered (THE FIRST OMEN, ALIEN: ROMULUS, SMILE 2, TERRIFIER 3), a few fun popcorn crowd pleasers (ABIGAIL, A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE) and many a singular horror vision (LONGLEGS, TV GLOW, CUCKOO etc.). Now of course, I have not seen everything released in 2024 and nor do I want or plan to. All in all, I’d say the good outweighed the bad by a ton and that’s always reason to sloppily devour shrimp like Dennis Quaid and celebrate. Here’s hoping we have an equally awesome 2025! Pump it up!

Five More Underrated Ghost Movies (For X-mas)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

2011’s THE AWAKENING is a ghostly stunner that stars the ever reliable Rebecca Hall (also splended in 2020's NIGHT HOUSE) and was at least partially written by Stephen Volk the brains behind 1992’s essential made for TV mind-screw GHOST WATCH. The year is 1921 and hard nosed proto ghostbuster Florence Cathcart (Hall) is summoned to a boy’s boarding school thought to be haunted. An orphan herself, struggling with the memory of a fiancé who passed away, Cathcart gains a confidant and love interest in the injured and enigmatic Robert Mallory (Dominic West). The two eventually figure out that all of the ghostly activity can be summed up as the result of a child’s prank but just as she is preparing to pack up and go home everything in her world is turned on its head (and then some). This is a great looking movie with some very memorable visuals and more than a few outstanding performances. Anyone who enjoys a classic approach to haunting tales should seek it out ASAP (more HERE)

IN 2005’s FRAGILE, Calista Flockhart (I know we all want to forget ALLY McBEAL but she’s actually good in this) plays nurse Amy Nicholls who has recently started working the night shift at an unnervingly grim children's hospital that is in the midst of packing up and closing down. The children speak of a ghostly presence that lingers on the abandoned second floor named Charlotte who is creepily described as a "mechanical" girl. By all appearances this spirit seems to be raging against being left behind and has taken to smashing bones and throwing people out windows. Of course, nothing is as it seems, there is a mystery that must be solved and Amy must separate the hospital's woeful history from the guilty baggage she brought with her. Fragile goes to some seriously dank, dark and convincingly eerie, seriously scary places and like all the best ghost stories it has a tragic heart that plays with your sympathies as much as your fears. Directed by the hugely talented Jaume Balaquero who delivered the horrifying adaptation of Ramsey Campbell's THE NAMELESS, the flawed but atmospheric DARKNESS and the instant classic [REC] (Full review HERE).

2007’s WIND CHILL finds two young college students (Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes who remain nameless throughout) who only vaguely know sharing a car ride to their respective homes for Christmas vacation. Strange behavior and paranoia eventually infest the journey and when the car crashes and the couple find themselves trapped in the middle of nowhere during a blinding storm, things get spooky. It’s admittedly refreshing to experience a ghostly tale that doesn’t utilize the old dark house setting and something about the idea of being lost and not being able to even clearly see a couple feet in front of you is genuinely unnerving. The resolution (or lack there of) may be too murky and undefined for some but I found the lack of definition sort of the whole eerie, dream-like point.

2016’s WE GO ON is from the same folks (Jesse Holland and Andy Mitton) who delivered the challenging YELLOWBRICKROAD (2010), It’s a wonderful ghost story that remarkably pushes the ancient art form into spaces I have never seen it occupy before. It's all about the pluses and minuses in believing in the great beyond and it pushes the idea that the further you step into the unknown the more you may find your safe seat of sanity dissolving in this plane. WE GO ON features the immensely talented Annette O'Toole (CAT PEOPLE) who deserves accolades and a half for her flawless work here. She's so darn good and she's in some fine company; Clark Freeman and Laura Heisler who were both in YELLOWBRICKROAD are welcome returners and as if we could dare ask for more, living legend character actor John (GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH) Glover is on hand to steal a few scenes too. If you prefer the chilly, cerebral, slow boil side of the horror bed you should tuck yourself into WE GO ON if you can track it down. It has so much more to offer than scares, it's the type of horror movie that keeps you up at night trying to close the doors it opened in your head.

2011’s found footage horror film GRAVE ENCOUNTERS works as a clever parody of your typical paranormal ghost hunting show. There's a phony shit shoveling psychic and an amusing scene where the host pays off a gardener to lie through his teeth about his experiences. The "Grave Encounters" crew (who stand in dramatic, ready-for-action poses) are filming their sixth episode in an abandoned mental hospital that they find out is indeed seriously haunted. What ensues, though never fully believable, is so fun and gleefully spooky that you'll feel like a kid running through a neighborhood haunted-house on Halloween. You know it's not real, but you can't help getting into the frenetic spirit anyway. Not only are the shock scares surprisingly effective, but this movie also plays with your mind pretty good too. The asylum turns into a trippy maze of sorts and things get eerily surreal and the feeling of being trapped is palpable. The authentic setting, not unlike the one employed in SESSION 9 is an indisputably unnerving place but unlike many films of its ilk the cast is likable enough that your stay in this maddening place will be if not peasant, than at least tolerable (more HERE).