kindertrauma funhouse

I just had my underused brain yanked out of my head like a peach pit, dribbled around the room like a basketball and handed back to me like a letter to to Bigfoot without a stamp by THE SUBSTANCE. Oh, how ill prepared I was. Poor me wandered innocently into the movie theater (finally utilizing my free pass) expecting a stylish dark psychological thriller that was vaguely horror adjacent like say, BLACK SWAN but Coralie (THE REVENGE, 2018) Fargeat’s gloriously surreal takedown of engorged ego, body dysmorphia, misogyny, ageism, corporate exploitation and the shallowness of society in general, is a pure capital H, mega-dose of Horror (particularly of the body variety) and the florescent light it’s hiding under its bonkers bushel is that it’s the most eye-poppingly awesome and bizarre special make-up effects extravaganza the cinema has seen since Rob Bottin abandoned horror fans like a deadbeat dad (Seriously, bring goggles with windshield wipers on them in preparation for the film’s climax).

This many layered psyche crusher burrows bone deep and features a truly extraordinary (and Oscar worthy) performance by a fearless Demi Moore (PARASITE, THE SEVENTH SIGN, model for the I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE poster) as a theoretically past her prime celebrity who is prepared to demolish everything (even herself) to be adored with the same ferocity as she was in her youth. Unfortunately, she makes a Faustian bargain with a faceless pharmaceutical company (and apparently David Cronenberg) and ends up with a vampire level addiction doing the REQUIEM FOR A DREAM downward spiral shuffle which never ends well, and always leaves yours truly in an emotional fetal position.

As always, the less you know the better so I’ll say no more, just drop everything that you’re doing and run out and make sure you see what is the greatest and goopiest horror spectacle to come howling down the pike spraying ooze in decades. THE SUBSTANCE is a highly original affair like nothing you’ve seen before but that doesn’t stop it from stoking and rekindling memories of many other fine slices of nightmare cinema. Therefore, since we had no Funhouse this week, here are 15 images for you to identify from 15 movies this bravo-worthy instant classic might pal around with: