Based on a “posthumous collaboration” between H.P. LOVECRAFT and AUGUST DERLETH, 1967’s THE SHUTTERED ROOM gained mucho frequent frightener miles during repeated television airings in the seventies. Susannah Kelton (CAROL LYNLEY) and her husband Mike (GIG YOUNG) return to her recently inherited childhood home on Dunwich Island in hopes that the property can be used as a summer retreat. It’s clear upon their arrival that the local yokels are not too keen on city folk, as they try to ward the couple off with tales of an ancient curse and stories of a demon that’s fond of burning one’s eyes out. The native islander’s inhospitality eventually expands to include unneighborly rape attempts on young LINDLEY whenever she’s left alone. The biggest bully in the bunch is a swaggering, contorted cousin doing a swishy MARLON BRANDO impersonation named Ethan (OLIVER REED). Luckily, long in the tooth Hubby GIG is quick with cornball karate moves and is able to extinguish most of these pre-STRAW DOGS advances. The dwelling in question , which we really do not get to spend enough time in, is an ominous, genuinely spooky and sufficiently LOVECRAFT-IAN looking beast. The creaky witch lighthouse of old Aunt Agatha (FLORA ROBSON) is equally convincing in helping the U.K surroundings masquerade as New England. Unfortunately, the mostly British cast (some badly dubbed) don’t fare quite as well. DAVID GREENE’s direction offers some disturbing P.O.V. shots of whatever is hiding in the wings ready to pounce and the unlikely jazz score works well to establish a tone of near constant disorientation. LOVECRAFT’s vision (even his questionable posthumous vision) is notoriously hard to pull off on screen (STUART GORDON excepted). THE SHUTTERED ROOM doesn’t do much to change that theory and it’s not because all the ingredients are not in place and ready to go. Hanging out with the townies while we should be investigating the titular room is eventually wearing. By the time the shock climax is unwrapped, viewers can be forgiven if they forgot they were watching a horror film at all. Although the entire affair is begging to be streamlined (could the shorter edit BLOOD ISLAND be an improvement?), THE SHUTTERED ROOM is offbeat and strange enough that it’s reputation to unnerve is not that hard to fathom.

• Road skiing leads to barbed wire wipe out
• One-eyed welder on the welcoming committee
• Reed’s obscene jeans
• Aunt Agatha’s crazy-faced bird
• Hiding in the dollhouse
• Teddy bear torch! Best invention ever!

 

 

 

In case you thought the concept of “kindertrauma” was something new under the sun, here’s a silent picture from 1926 to dispel that notion. SPARROWS sings the tale of Mother Molly (MARY PICKFORD) the eldest in a group of orphans being abused at the hands of a sinister Dickensian “baby farm” overlord named Mr. Grimes (seriously creepy GUSTAVE VON SEYFFERITZ). Realizing that he’s in danger of having his racket found out, meanie Grimes intends to destroy the evidence by dumping the kids in his care into the deadly swamp that surrounds his farm. Mary orchestrates a harrowing escape through said swamp and Grimes, realizing one of the tots has blackmail value gives chase. The murky crocodile minefield provides plenty of peril and thrilling narrow escapes for the plucky proto-final girl PICKFORD whose every hurdle only inspires more determination. Heavily influenced by German expressionist cinema and a guiding source of inspiration for the equally exquisite NIGHT OF THE HUNTER, SPARROWS is a dark fairy tale whose patches of humor keep it miraculously buoyant. PICKFORD, who was in reality 34 at the time, delivers her last juvenile performance and she’s a real head-butting scrapper. She’s actually hilarious on more than one occasion which is a marvel considering the oppressive, yet undeniably gorgeous surroundings created by set designer HARRY OLIVER. It’s hard to beat a dense gothic swamp as a perfect environment to display both the beauty and casual cruelty of nature and director WILLIAM BEAUDINE uses it to his advantage at regular intervals. True, a superfluous boat chase and leisurely epilogue can’t compete with the film’s earlier high points in the swamp, but it’s only fair to allow PICKFORD and her crew a happy ending. Heavy with religious themes (the big J.C. even makes a cameo), the title itself refers to God’s unavailability to aid the kids because of his preoccupation with every sparrow that falls. (One kid inquires why sparrows got such pull with the man upstairs). In the end, it seems God may have not been so busy after all, but I still think Mother Molly deserves the lion’s share of the credit. Gee, a world where religion is shown as a source of inspiration and hope rather than a cloak to excuse ratty behavior? You gotta love those olden timey days!                

Everyone accepts that there are certain lies we have to pretend are true in order to get along in the world; giant, smelly falsities that are presented as public knowledge which one must humor in order to escape lynching and being burned at the stake. I can bite my tongue when folks say JULIA ROBERTS is beautiful or that RON HOWARD is a good director just to keep the social wheels greased and my head off the chopping block. I’ll even let unfair criticisms of TOBE HOOPER slide when I’m in the right mood. Unfortunately, I can not hide my ostrich head in the sand any longer concerning the reputation of INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. Are people (including Director STEVEN SPIELBERG) really currently in the process of rewriting history and claiming that it is the weakest of the Indy films? Really? How much crack to you have to smoke to come to that conclusion? I admit DOOM may not be as good as the original RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK but let’s be fair, that had KAREN ALLEN, an evil monkey and melting Nazis. That’s a formula that’s not going to be bettered in our lifetimes, but to allege that DOOM is a lesser film to that bores-ville third installment is flimflammery and chicanery of the highest order and I won’t stand for it any longer! DOOM is not the ginger-headed step child of the Indy franchise! I won’t go into why LAST CRUSADE is a bit of a dud because the idea of watching it again, in order to give it its fair shake, makes me snoozy. Suffice to say that the sewer of rats and that vapid blonde chick (ALISON “thanks for the free joke in your name” DOODY) really don’t cut the mustard. Furthermore, downplaying the supernatural element and up-playing the heroic “BOND“-isms is all kinds of wrong. DOOM on the other hand at least carries the dark occult-ish baton from the original’s final act and runs with it. Is it too dark? I guess if you are a CARE BEAR it might upset you. If you’re over the age of just born though, you might find the darkness shown as a way to… I don’t know present “DANGER” of some sort? SPIELBERG sites his then recent divorce for the tone of the film, well, you know what Steve, go with that feeling! You’re really good at that dark stuff… DUEL, JAWS = masterpieces, that fluffy HOOK stuff, not so much. If you’re going to distance yourself from one of your films, I’d go with THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Your corny contribution to that film was easily the weakest link. That might not seem like a big deal until you realize that you lost to a segment whose main star was actually decapitated by a helicopter propeller. If that doesn’t give you a moment of pause to rethink the schmaltz level, I don’t think anything will. TEMPLE OF DOOM is partially responsible (go GREMLINS it’s your birthday!) for the dumb PG-13 rating that alerts parents to the fact that a movie’s violence will be almost comparable to that seen on television everyday. Its heart-ripping-out scene is supposedly gory but c’mon, what do you think we’re paying money to see here KATE CAPSHAW? [Aunt John sez: “Umm, I did!“] This is an action adventure that is supposed to be based on pre-P.C. serials and its goal should be to kick it up a notch wherever and whenever it can. It shouldn’t have to concern itself with tip-toeing for the sake of Aunt Tilly (her again!). The slave children, the drinking of blood and the possession of Indy himself are brought up as examples of this film’s imaginary harsh tone. Meanwhile, there’s wall to wall slapstick humor, a ridiculous romantic IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT subplot and a relentless barrage of precocious quips from SHORTROUND bouncing off the cave walls as well. We’re not exactly talking DER TODESKING here; I think you can handle it. I guess it’s the kindertraumatic angle that ruffles the most feathers. It does seem a little extreme when one of the slave children begs Indy to kill him so that he might be spared further anguish, but stop anybody at their place of work and ask them how they’re doing and see if you don’t get a similar response. Every element maligned in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM is exactly what makes it great. Are we really so lame as to think singing chipmunks and dancing penguins are preferable entertainment for children than torture by whip, human sacrifice and voodoo mind control? What a sad state of affairs! Besides, just how family-friendly is Indy supposed to be? Wasn’t much of the thrill of the first film derived from rotting corpses, hellish specters and yes, death by airplane propeller? With a new fourth installment in the can and ready to hit the multiplexes, it’s far too late for those involved to hear my warning and respond by setting the compass back towards DOOM territory. I don’t really care about that anyway, I’m going to assume the flick has been neutered beyond worth and hope for the best. The only thing that is important to me is that the truth is out there. If I disappear in the following weeks you’ll know why. I can not live with myself if I don’t speak out publicly, for all I know TEEN WITCH could be under fire next. So hear my words interwebs and may the guillotine fall where it may…THE TEMPLE OF DOOM does NOT suck more than THE LAST CRUSADE! Were you buying popcorn during the mine cart chase? What can make earnest Indy swing his allegiance from his faux nuclear family (SHORT/WILLY) to a heathenistic cult of chanting shirtless sweaty men?… HUMAN BLOOD! “Evil” Indy 500: from intellectually fetching to Uber-Dilf in 10 seconds! The usually Mt. Rushmore-faced HARRISON FORD goes bananas in this movie. Y’all should get behind that shit!

 

 

I guess I’m only confessing to this because, in hindsight, I realize it is tragically funny. I was seventeen and at boarding school, one lonely autumn weekend when the only two students not on home visits were myself, and my schoolmate Maggie, who was a horror movie connoisseur. I on the other hand, was more of THE SOUND OF MUSIC-type of gal. We decided to have movie night and as we trolled through the aisles at the video store, I picked up a dusty copy of THE BLOB, my thoughts being: “How scary can a big mass of goo be? All you do is outrun it!”     

I was a fool.

As we sat on the floor in the common room, munching popcorn and cider in our pajamas, we both sighed sadly when the two cutest guys in the movie were killed within the first 1/2 hour (no offense KEVIN DILLON). But with each passing scene my eyes grew wide and my blood ran cold. These people were sick! I huddled under a blanket with my eyes closed while Maggie cackled with a perverse glee. It felt like the longest 90 minutes of my life. The guy getting pulled into the sink and the little kid getting blobbed put me over the edge. After the credits rolled, my imagination was going 100 miles an hour and I dragged my pillow and blanket into Maggie’s room and “slept” on her hard floor, but only after insisting that she place towels under the door crack less anything try and seep in.

Kinda sad that a senior in high school would have such a freak out about a movie, or maybe in a backwards way, it’s a compliment to the writers. I still won’t stick my hand down a sink!

 

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ: Kelly Ann, you are preaching to the blob choir! We @ Kindertrauma are giant fans of 1988’s THE BLOB! Thanks for the great traumafession and don’t worry- you’re never to old to get traumatized! 

We here at Kindertrauma admit to a stalker-like fascination with the enigma wrapped in a riddle, bound with an elastic question mark and sealed with a “what-now?” known as Arbogast. His no-holds barred, unfiltered musings on the world of cinema has your Unkle Lancifer imagining the man of mystery looking like CHANNING TATUM yet having the mind of STEVEN HAWKINGS. On the other hand, Aunt John spends a lot of time (in the bathroom) fantasizing that he looks like STEVEN HAWKINGS, but with the mind of CHANNING TATUM. To each his own. Anyway, our love for Arbogast was tested the day he tagged us for an Internet parlor game that, to be kind, makes a Jenga tournament seem entertaining. Oh well, in the interest of not burning bridges with an evil mastermind who could crush us like bugs, we relented and grabbed the nearest book that was not a GERI JEWELL biography and did as we were told. On page 123 of the NECRONOMICON, the 3 sentences after the fifth are as follows…

No grain, no tree, no plant grew. The ancient Ones were Masters of Spaces now unknown or forgotten, and all was CHAOS. MARDUK was chosen of the Elders to fight KUR and wrest power from the Great Sleeping Serpent who dwells beneath the Mountains of the Scorpion.

Hopefully we didn’t just open a portal into hell.

One thing that Arb-y has been doing lately that is not annoying is waxing philosophic about “The ones they might have saved,” characters in horror movies that for some unexplained reason you did not want to see die. Is there such a thing? Why it appears there is, and we thought since we were celebrating Arbogast Day (which always falls on the day after Mother’s Day) that we would join in this discussion, so without further adieu, here are our picks for “The ones they might have saved“… Aunt John sez:My favorite character in any horror movie is that little kid in the sleeping bag in THE PROPHECY. I really don’t like what happened to him and think he should have been spared this indignity: Unkle Lancifer sez:Anne Ramsey’s Elvira Parker was a fascinating character that I was looking forward to catching up with in the inevitable sequels to WES CRAVEN’s tour de force seething indictment against technology DEADLY FRIEND. Those dreams were dashed when this occurred…P.S.: In non Arbogast Day news, your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John are interviewed over at one of our favorite sites (besides Arbogast’s) DVD PANACHE. The interview was taken long before Arbo-gate ‘08, so you will find us in good spirits looking forward to a year free from being “tagged!“

This artifact was recently unearthed near Crystal Lake! Is it authentic? We’re dumb enough to think so!!!

TRAUMA-MOMMA WEEK concludes today with two very special Traumafessions from your Unkle Lancifer’s and Aunt John’s very own mothers. Aunt John’s Mom on THE WIZARD OF OZ:

As a little girl, I didn’t go see horror pictures. I was NEVER into that stuff, and I don’t like them now. Your Grandfather used to take me see the ones with ESTHER WILLIAMS swimming or MGM musicals on Saturday afternoons. I remember causing a scene at THE BELLS OF ST. MARY’S when I was four and had to be taken out of the theater for crying, but I really don’t remember what upset me. That was the movie about the nuns with INGRID BERGMAN and BING CROSBY, so you tell me what was so scary. I do remember going to see the WIZARD OF OZ with my Mother when I was seven or eight, so it was 1947 or 1948, though that came out in ‘39. I was sitting on the aisle seat, and when those flying monkeys came on the screen I put my head down. I did not like them one bit. Out of the corner of my eye, in the darkness, I saw a little boy tearing up the aisle screaming in terror being chased by his older sister. I recognized her as a classmate, so I took off after her and we got a hold of her brother in the lobby. My Mother brought them back in the theater and I ended up sharing my seat with my school friend. Her little brother ended up falling asleep in my Mother’s arms.

Unkle Lancifer’s Mom on FRANKENSTEIN & PALS:

Scary movies in my childhood consisted of THE WEREWOLF, FRANKENSTEIN, and COUNT DRACULA. One Saturday back in the late ‘40s, the movie theater in my hometown had a matinée of movies with all of the scariest monsters. A group of friends decided we wanted to go and see the monsters. They promised us a great scare. We were all given tickets with numbers as we paid our admission, which at that time was 25 cents. We all sat down to enjoy the movie with our 10-cent popcorn and drink. After the first movie a man came out on the stage and told us he had a great surprise for us. He then started to call out numbers and asked all those holding these numbers to come up on the stage. I had one of the numbers called and one of my friends also held one. So off to the stage we go, not having any idea of what was in store for us. The house lights dim and the music starts playing. Our backs are to stage right and stage left. All of a sudden the audience starts screaming at the top of their lungs. As we turn around, we are facing all our fears: FRANKENSTEIN, THE WEREWOLF and COUNT DRACULA. As we are screaming they are walking closer and closer. Finally they are standing right next to us and the house lights go up, and they start talking and laughing with us about how great it was to entertain us.

Unkle Lancifer & Aunt John sez: We’d like to thank both of our Moms for the stellar MOMMA-FESSIONS, and send a special thanks to all our readers for their great comments and suggestions this week. Happy Mother’s Day to all y’all mothers!

 

In the midst of making our lists of the worst and best mothers in horror (and non-horror) one name kept floating about with nowhere to land, Dolores Claiborne (KATHY BATES). She didn’t belong with the bad mothers because at the end of the day, her actions were not evil or selfish in anyway, but she didn’t belong with the “nice” mommies either because well, she’s Dolores Claiborne, a cantankerous old woman who, by her own admission, is “half past give a shit.” It was all quite the dilemma until I watched the movie again and realized that Delores needed to be where she would naturally feel the most comfortable…alone. Is DOLORES CLAIBORNE even a horror film? We are talking STEPHEN KING here if that means anything. Let’s just chalk it up as a gothic ghost story because Dolores and her daughter Selena (JENNIFER JASON LEIGH) are truly haunted. They are haunted by a past that includes a severely abusive husband and father and, as BONNIE TYLER might say, a total eclipse of the heart.As anyone who has seen MISERY knows, KATHY BATES is an imposing force of nature on screen, yet the baggage she brings from that previous portrayal of a STEPHEN KING character is best dropped at the door. This isn’t a sideshow and if you bought your ticket in hopes of seeing the neighborhood witch foam at the mouth, you’re sure to walk home sad and dejected, kicking tin cans. Sure, good old Annie Wilkes has her charms but as far as depth goes, Dolores makes her look like a paper cut out doll. Dolores may drink from a bottle of scotch clearly marked BLACK & WHITE, but morality here is presented as anything but. Could she have made better decisions in her life? Sure, but that just includes her in a club called “human.” Dolores doesn’t enjoy what she has to do, but just like her elaborate maid duties for the persnickety Vera Donavan (JUDY PARFITT), she rolls up her shirt sleeves and plows ahead. Murder may not be a very popular(or legal)choice for solving a problem, but worrying about public perception is a luxury Dolores can’t afford.More fascinating then her relationship with the daughter that never bothered to look beyond Dolores’ acerbic exterior, is the one she shares with her employer Vera, who spurs on Dolores’ deed. Together, with conspiratorial glances, they share an acknowledgment of a male-dominated world and decide that in order to survive, it is sometimes necessary to draw outside the lines (read kill). Before the film’s end, Dolores does reveal all to her daughter who rightfully admits to not knowing how she feels about her mother’s actions. Serena does state though, that she understands that these actions were done for her. Is Dolores a kind of feminist hero? She herself would balk at such an idea. Her kind of unsung power is the type that we trample over everyday. She does not fulfill our image of what “strength” is. She doesn’t wear the right clothes or have the right haircut or weigh the right amount either. Her victories are not worn on her sleeve or used to advance her “up the ladder.” Everything she does is for her daughter, to keep her “safe and sound” and if that sacrifice is not properly recognized, then that just includes her in a club called “Mother” She is a worker with worker’s hands worn and cracking from the cold, living in a house that someone who does not know her story painted the word “BITCH” on. She’d paint over that word, but she’s learned that sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to. She’s also learned that an “accident” can be an unhappy woman’s best friend. So, to Dolores Claiborne we say, “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!” Your category bashing ways makes you perhaps the best Mother of them all and trust me, there’s no question that you could kick JOBETH WILLIAMS’ ass in hand-to-hand combat. BETSY PALMER, now that’s another story.      

The world of horror is truly overflowing with nasty examples of motherhood. It’s important to remember this time of year that upstanding, nurturing mothers are depicted in horror films as well. This next assemblage of horror mommies celebrates the nice ones. When these TRAUMA-MOMMAS pull out a butcher knife, it’s to cut the crust off your PB&J, not slice your throat!10. (tie) Who could choose between these two small screen mommies with big-sized hearts? Both KIM HUNTER of BAD RONALD and JOCELYN BRANDO of DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW will do anything to protect their misunderstood boys from being ravaged by an uncaring world. Neither was particularly successful but on Mother’s Day especially, it’s important to remember that it’s the thought that counts.9. Although she’s got some real questionable taste in men, single mom Lucy Emerson DIANE WIEST in THE LOST BOYS is every kid’s dream; a super-lenient, life-size Monchhichi with an affinity for pastel knitwear.8. Tracking down your lost child in a crowded mall or shopping center is an anguish most moms can identify with. Now imagine being Rose Da Silva (RADHA MITCHELL) and going through the same plight in the nightmare town known as SILENT HILL. What’s the Aussie word for cojones?7. We admit to having a soft spot for blissfully unaware and chronically naive Karen Barclay (7TH HEAVEN-bound CATHERINE HICKS) in CHILD’S PLAY. Not only is she slow to get on the CHUCKY wagon, We think it’s sweet the way she archaically refers to the skanky homeless bum who tries to rape her as a “peddler”!6. Wendy Torrence (SHELLY DUVALL) may seem a bit ineffectual at times, but give her a break; she’s got a lot on her plate. Dad’s a psycho and there’s an unexplained plushy fetishist invasion to contend with. Extra points awarded for being a human ALICE NEEL painting.5. Is there any mom cooler than disc jockey Stevie Wayne (ADRIENNE BARBEAU)? She lets you stay out late listening to JOHN HOUSMAN tell ghost stories and she lets you have STOMACH PONDERS! She’d rate even higher if she didn’t choose the safety of the community at large over that of her son. She should have known Mrs. Kobritz (REGINA WALDON) would drop the ball.4. As any mother can tell you, punishing your child can be difficult, perhaps even more so when your daughter is a pig-tailed psychopath. THE BAD SEED’s Christine Penmark (NANCY KELLY) leaves it up to Mother Nature to deliver a much-deserved beat down to daughter Rhoda (PATTY McCORMACK).3. THE EXORCIST’s Chris MacNeil (ELLEN BURSTYN) may be a glamorous movie star that appears in all the rags of her day, but her love for her daughter Regan (LINDA BLAIR) is no act. Where most A-listers are quick to push their child’s slightest nosebleed on the nearest nanny, Chris stands by her daughter through thick and thin pea soup.2. Donna Trenton’s (DEE WALLACE) illicit affair may not make her the perfect wife, but that does not put a dampening on her mothering skills. With shear force of will she is somehow able to shred the original ending of STEPHEN KING’s CUJO and breath life back into her near dead son. Some would lay thanks on the scriptwriter or director or even a wimpy studio, but we know it’s all in a day’s work for DEE.1. JOBETH WILLIAMS as Diane Freeling in POLTERGEIST puts the current image of a high functioning soccer mom to shame. She doesn’t need MARTHA STEWART to tell her how to transform a cigar box into a canary coffin and she knows media god OPRAH is the last person to seek advice from about how to rescue a child trapped in a T.V. set. RACHEL RAY can kiss her ass, Diane is ordering a pizza and KELLY RIPA would look like a scraggly bleached flag pole if she tried to pull off Diane’s football jersey and skimpy undies ensemble. How does Diane do it? What makes her tick like a Swiss watch and never loose her cool? Maybe it’s something she’s smoking…. In Case You Missed Them:

• 10 Most Horrifying Movie Moms
• More Horrifying Movie Moms
• Top Horrifying Moms From Non-Horror Movies

TRAUMA-MOMMAS don’t have to star in horror movies per say to inflict horror upon their friends, family and neighbors. This next list of bad mommies wreaked plenty of havoc and still found their respective DVD’s shelved in the more respectable (read boring) aisles of the local video shop. Here’s to spreading the misery into every genre!

10. “Only sober for about two hours a day,” CASINO’s Ginger McKenna (SHARON STONE) has no qualms with getting shit-faced and doing lines of blow in front of her young daughter Amy. And when Ginger can’t find a babysitter so she can go down to the club to hang with Nicky (JOE PESCI), she’s not above tying Amy to the bed ala LINDA BLAIR in THE EXORCIST.

9. Proving that you should never con a con, especially when that con is your mom, THE GRIFTERS Lilly Dillon (ANJELICA HUSTON) chooses money over her son Roy (JOHN CUSAK). After murdering his girlfriend (ANNETTE BENNING), and torching the body, Lilly not only robs Roy, but also shows her son the business end of her suitcase and a broken drinking glass.

8. Momma Sharon (MIMI ROGERS) has her heart in the right place and, for the most part, is a lovingly attentive parent in THE RAPTURE, but new mommies take note: Shooting a bullet into your daughter’s head to get her on the express lane into heaven to avoid a rumored upcoming apocalypse? That’s a parenting blunder you just don’t recover from.

7. Who needs to resort to physical violence when you can tear your children to shreds with words? No one in THE ANNIVERSARY is safe from the deliciously hateful vile that spews forth from the mouth of the one-eyed Mrs. Taggert (BETTE DAVIS).
6. What well of darkness did a 36-year-old ANGELA LANSBURY tap to so effectively convince as a cold calculating mother in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE? You try playing the part of a mother to an actor (LAURENCE HARVEY) who is only three years your junior and see if you don’t get a little steely glint in your eye!

5. Who says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole? That’s what hammers are for! Lillian Farmer (KIM STANLEY) sorta digs the perks and swag her now famous daughter FRANCES is receiving. When nonconformist Frances decides to step out of the limelight, Mom decides she MUST be crazy! Electro shock therapy, full-frontal lobotomies, asylum gang rape and ice baths ensue… thanks mom!

4. Baltimore housewife Beverly Sutphin (KATHLEEN TURNER) loves her family and excels at the domestic arts. She’s also a pro at making obscene phone calls, committing restroom murders, and skillfully defending herself in a court of law in SERIAL MOM. Just don’t let her catch you wearing white after Labor Day!

3. In WILD AT HEART, old-school cougar Marietta Fortune (DIANE LADD) is a mother with boundary issues. When her daughter Lulu’s beau Sailor (NICOLAS CAGE) rebuffs this hellcat’s inappropriate advances, Marietta goes a little overboard with a tube of red lipstick and hires hit men to take out her future son-in-law.

2 . SYBIL Dorsett (SALLY FIELD) has multiple personalities, but none are as bad as the ONE personality her awful mother Hattie (MARTINE BARTLETT) is host to. Turning household objects like boot hooks and water bottles into instruments of torture, she transforms her family kitchen into the set of HOSTEL 3. Perhaps the most frightening tool at her command is her childlike, sing-song voice. Just listen to her belt out a couple lines of her favorite nonsensical song “Lettuce Head” and you too will be retreating to a “happy place” deep, deep inside.

1. While we would never suggest that this is her first, or last, time at the bad mommy rodeo, FAYE DUNAWAY’s career-ending turn as JOAN CRAWFORD in MOMMIE DEAREST taught us that one need not wear a hockey mask to strike fear in the hearts of small children. A Kabuki-like application of cold cream will do just fine.
In Case You Missed Them: The Most Horrifying Horror Movie Moms & More Horrifying Movie Moms.

Not every TRAUMA-MOMMA can fit into our top ten picks; there’s just not enough room. These ten runners up may be a little less flashy or a little less well known, but they are by no means less traumatizing. In fact, some of these nasty ladies give their more famous counterparts a real run for their money. Who knows, maybe the future will have one of these dastardly dames taking top honors!

20. VIVECA LINDFORS of CREEPSHOW plays a creepy greedy mom with three daughters in A BELL FROM HELL who sends her nephew to the looney bin (or so he thinks) to collect his inheritance. Is she really evil? Who cares! It’s VIVECA LINDFORS and she’s scary as hell.

19. WENDIE ROBIE as “Mom” in THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS lost a few points due to the fact that she’s not actually anybody’s mom and has kidnapping to thank for her offspring. In any case, she does run a tight ship and her twisted delivery of the line calling for “Total spring cleaning” cinches the deal.

18. Remember how the real nightmare in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS was Kristen Parker’s (PATRICIA ARQUETTE) nag of a mom Elaine (BROOKE BUNDY)? Even a severed skull couldn’t stop the swinging single from squealing scoldings!

17. With FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC you get two depraved banshees for the price of one. VICTORIA TENNANT and LOUISE FLETCHER duel it out to see who can be the most hands-off guardian imaginable and turn parental negligence into an art form.

16. At first glance WILLARD’s (ski slope nosed CRISPON GLOVER) mom Henrietta (JACKIE BUROUGHS) is more pitiable than menacing, but soon you realize her whiny wails hit harder than any mallet. Hanging outside the bathroom Willard occupies and demanding to know what exactly is going on inside shoots her way up the list!

15. BLANCHE BAKER’s turn as Ruth Chandler in THE GIRL NEXT DOOR is the newest mommy on our list, but trust us she deserves her position. This bitch is so ice cold that if you lick your television screen while she’s on it, your tongue will stick!

14. After spending fifteen years in a funny farm being cured of her cannibalistic ways, FRIGHTMARE’s Dorothy Yates (SHEILA KEITH) is released to rejoin polite, mostly non-cannibalistic society. Old habits (and some victims) die hard. Here’s one momma who ditches gloss for gritty believability.

13. Don’t mess with RUTH ROMAN in THE BABY! She makes MA BARKER look like BOB BARKER. She’ll do anything to protect her full grown “baby,” (decidedly adult DAVID MOONEY) from dirty outside influences, in what has to be the most deranged cinematic offering from the seventies. (Now, that’s saying something!)

12. Is there anyone meaner than Rosemary Bower (CAROLYN PURDY GORDON) in DOLLS? Step-mommys already have a bad name thanks to Disney propaganda, and she has the nerve to throw her step-kid Jody’s (CARRIE LORRAINE) beloved teddy bear (named “Teddy” natch) into the forest to be lost forever? Sleep well knowing all bears know their way around the woods and that Rosemary Bower is indeed taken down to size!

11. Stand back and gawk at the amazing maternal ferocity and take no prisoners fearlessness of SUSAN TYRRELL in NIGHT WARNING a.k.a. BUTCHER, BAKER NIGHTMARE MAKER! Lame title issues and a questionable “video nasty” ban may have kept this offbeat gem from reaching some viewers but a forthcoming long overdue DVD release is sure to change that. The truth is, SUSAN TYRRELL delivers what may very well be the greatest unheralded horror performance of the last 30 years or so and it’s high time everyone knew about it. DE NIRO eat your heart out! In Case You Missed Them: The 10 Most Horrifying Movie Moms & The 10 Most Horrifying Moms From Non-Horror Movies.

We here at Kindertrauma love to talk about the gruesome kiddies of horror films, but we’re all getting old enough to know that the stork was not really responsible for their births. They all had mommas and with Mother’s Day right around the corner, we thought it was high time we brought up the subject of TRAUMA-MOMMAS; those mothers of horror who showed, through example, how to get the job done. From now until Sunday we vow to bring you some killer mom-ertainment, and it all starts with our listing of our favorite top ten monster mommies of mayhem…

10. YVONNE DECARLO in AMERICAN GOTHIC. So it’s not the most famous horror flick in the world and we admit to giving extra points to YVONNE for her stint as power mom Lily Munster, yet we’re true blue fans of her work here as “Ma.” AMERICAN GOTHIC is a real original, just like YVONNE, and anyone who could put up with the ramblings of both ROD STIEGER (as Pa) and MICHEAL J. POLLARD (as one of her psycho offspring) deserves mucho recognition, if not a jewelry box made out of popsicle sticks.
9. ZELDA RUBINSTEIN already owns our hearts thanks to POLTERGEIST, but in ANGUISH she astounds even more. In her film within a film role as Alice Pressman she puts the average taskmaster mother to shame. Rather then send her kid MICHAEL LERNER out for the usual carton of milk, stick of butter and loaf of bread, she instead demands all the eyeballs in the city! Once more she makes this request in her patented SMURFETTE on helium voice!

8. Speaking of SMURFETTE and helium, JENNIFER TILLY as Tiffany the doll does not seem to be a suitable parent at first glance. She’s sorta self-involved and yes, has a famous violent streak. Her itchy kill impulse would land her on this list regardless, but we gotta give her extra props for standing up to big daddy CHUCKY in defense of her limp plastic wrist-ed son Glen in SEED OF CHUCKY.

7. BEATRICE PONS (as ROSE ROSS) in MOTHER’S DAY is a force to be reckoned with. It would be bad enough is she were to turn a blind eye to her two moronic son’s killing and chilling attitude, but this creepy lady spurs them on and even makes requests for the dreaded SHIRLEY TEMPLE Polaroid game. Sick stuff for sure. Extra points for being in a movie appropriately entitled!

6. A mother who gives birth to her own rage and sends it out into the world to cause havoc? O.K. we realize you only have to open your front door to witness THAT, but the whole licking the litter thing in THE BROOD is just too bizarre not to award, plus SAMANTHA EGGAR!!! Have we ever mentioned we are total Anglophiles (and gingerphiles) here at Kindertrauma? Think about it, you know it’s true.

5. Any mother can act monstrous but in PETER JACKSON’s DEAD ALIVE a.k.a. BRAINDEAD, ELIZABETH MOODY really does turn into a giant beast that our poor hero has to battle on his rooftop. Easily the most Freudian zombie movie ever made that features contaminated monkeys, kung-fu priests and mass lawnmower kills.

4. The idea that anything would go chin-to-chin or ta-ta-to-ta-ta in a throw down against Ellen Ripley (SIGOURNEY WEAVER) still boggles the mind. I guess having an extra jaw and acid blood can help to raise the old self-assurance level. Momma Alien from ALIENS didn’t sweat a bit and she didn’t even have to rely on bad language (”Get away from her you bitch!“) to psyche out her opponent!

3. CARRIE’s mom Margaret White (PIPER LAURIE)… where do you even start to describe this drunk on Jesus juice, hot-mess tranny? She was the shit, and worse of all…SHE LIKED IT! She ended up just like her hero, crucified, but even Jesus didn’t have to suffer the indignity of being crucified by a potato peeler. MEL GIBSON make a movie about this momma’s “passion” then maybe you can come back into our good graces!

2. One thing about destroying your offspring’s life is that you usually have to curb it when you’re six feet under. PSYCHO’s Norma Bates (voice by VIRGINIA GREGG) did not feel the need to yield to such restrictions. She just kept yacking and yacking. She yacked until the modern horror film was born, and then she yacked some more. She single handedly yacked the slasher genre into existence, and then she yacked some more. Norma Bates is still yacking. Let’s all pray she never stops.

1. Are you trying to pretend that you don’t know who our number one choice for TRAUMA-MOMMA is? Why? What is wrong with you? Give in to reality, give in to the truth. You can pretend as long as you like that the FRIDAY THE 13TH series is subpar. You can claim it’s juvenile, pedestrian, hokey and dated. The proof is in the blood pudding that stained the wreck room carpet and is never going to go away. It’s pointless to resist any longer, submit NOW! No other mother brings it like PAMELA VORHEES. No other mother has that voice, that smile, that commitment. The entire franchise and many other horror films that followed it in its wake owe their eye teeth to BETSY PALMER. Even as a decapitated head in a refrigerator, she owns it. Even as a crazy sweater shrine, she brings it. BETSY PALMER IS THE ULTIMATE TRAUMA-MOMMA! GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!!! We have prepared a poem in her honor….

M is for the murders you inspired!

O is for the only son you had!

T is for the terror that transpired!

H is for the horny teens that made you mad!

E is for the evil that won’t retire!

R is for the revenge of your drowned lad!

Put them all together they spell mother.

Someone we would like so much to please,

But this mother bests all the others

And her name is PAMELA VOORHEES!

NOTE: If you don’t see your favorite TRAUMA-MOMMA listed, keep your shirt on, there’s more to come! Check out our picks for TRAUMA-MOMMAS 20 - 11 & The 10 Most Horrifying Moms From Non-Horror Movies.

Portraying little Damien Thorn in 1976’s THE OMEN, HARVEY STEPHENS brought an incredible naturalness to a part that may be the last word in evil child roles. With his light hair dyed jet black and his butter wouldn’t melt smirk STEPHENS rode his tricycle into the nightmares of viewers of all ages. His admission into the sacred ranks of The Traumatot guild is a no-brainer. He may have only one major film role to his credit but when you do something right the first time why mess with perfection?

Even diehard LUCIO FULCI fanatics must admit that the director’s oeuvre presents something of a roulette wheel to first time viewers. Although traditional coherency is never really an issue, the pendulum of success swings very wide in both directions. Will it be a visionary nightmare that you cannot wake up from like THE BEYOND, or just a nightmare that you can’t stay awake for like MANHATTAN BABY? Will it be an influential mini-masterpiece with an unfortunate name like DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING or will it feature a sleazy killer who talks in a duck’s voice while he’s torturing his unfortunate victims ala NEW YORK RIPPER? GATES OF HELL is not FULCI’s best, but it rates rather high on the list thanks to a couple of simply unforgettable scenes and a sick relentless vibe that you just can’t fake. It might not provide the simple pleasures of ZOMBIE or the campy fun of HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, but it does provide a woman crying blood just before she vomits her intestines out. With apologies to TISA FARROW, it also sports one of FULCI’s finest casts, which not only includes future THE BEYOND star CATRIONA MACCOLL, but also my personal favorite person on earth GIOVANNI LOMBARDO RADICE (HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK) and GRIZZLY foe/playgirl centerfold/cigar enthusiast and all around lucky bastard CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. The horror begins when a priest hangs himself in the town of Dunwich, Massachusetts, which is not only built on the site of the original Salem (whatever that means) but also, if the soundtrack is any indication, suffers from an unlikely monkey infestation. For reasons high on the murky scale, the reverend’s deed opens up some doorways that lead to hell and if someone doesn’t get to closing said doors, the dead will walk the earth and pretty much spoil everything. Meanwhile the town is suffering from a hoard of supernatural occurrences ranging in seriousness from unsightly cracks in pub walls to maggot tornados and teleporting cadavers. With its Lovecraft love and various small groupings of people converging to battle uncanny elements and curses, GATES plays like JOHN CARPENTER’s THE FOG’s violent, hyperactive, Ritalin-starved borderline-mongoloid sibling. Whether intentional or not, FULCI pretty much invents splatvant-garde here and I’m pretty sure that if you have any idea of what’s going on by film’s end that you were not paying close enough attention. The film’s final frames, in particular,r are blatantly indecipherable and have been attributed to the director’s spontaneous experimentation with damaged footage in the editing room. In any case, the viewer better be willing to submit to G.O.H.’s lunatic charm or prepare for a rough ride, for once those gates are open, rationality exists first and it doesn’t leave a forwarding address.


GIOVANNI LOMBARDO RADICE a.k.a. JOHN MORGHAN is the heart and soul of just about every movie he’s in. His famous head-drilling scene in G.O.H. may be the goriest murder ever filmed. Giovanni’s character, Dunwich’s dead-baby hallucinating, blow-up doll loving town scapegoat “Bob” is confronted by a young girl’s father who takes the law and (Bob’s noggin) into his own hands and adds some ventilation to the poor guy’s apparently already damaged head. Is the father possessed by the evil that has infected the town or is this just mayhem ala cart? I have yet to figure that one out, but I do know this scene has lost none of it’s try not to flinch power.

Is there anything worse than being buried alive? Yes, being buried alive and having to rely on the lovable CHRISTOPHER GEORGE’s slow-as-molasses-in-January detective skills to save you. FULCI wrings about as much tension as humanly possible out of his POE would-be-proud premature burial scene. Even after the goof is discovered, our beloved GEORGE decides to take a pick ax to the coffin rather than scan for latches and gets perilously close to making that whole dead thing stick by poking our already traumatized and thankfully un-embalmed heroine’s eyes out. If you’re still looking for realism after this scene you may be slower than GEORGE-y.

That’s director MICHELE SOAVI (CEMETERY MAN) getting the back of his head ripped off right after having a make out session with his girlfriend spoiled by her sudden need to vomit up all her intestines.

RICHARD DONNER’s classic son of Satan film THE OMEN overflows with scenes high in trauma content. Priest ka-bobs, shrieking psycho monkeys and slow-mo-spinning decapitated heads rule the day. Even attempting simple household chores like watering one’s plants sadly results in smashed fish bowels and a trip to the emergency room. But that’s how it should be; nowhere in the bible does it say that the spawn of Satan is going to be carting a wagon full of marshmallow unicorns behind him. Out of all the scenes in DONNER’s Whitman Sampler of end of days atrocities, the one that stands out as the most KINDER-traumatic takes place at little Damien’s outdoor birthday party; a celebration whose festive spirit is crushed under the devil’s hoof.

Let’s face it, some folks are really pulling for Damien’s (HARVEY STEPHEN) future reign to be a success. One of those people is not-so-super nanny Mrs. Baylock (BILLIE WHITELAW). The first order of business is to get rid of Damien’s present nanny (fruit of JACK PALANCE’s loin, and RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT co-hostess, HOLLY PALANCE), so that bad Mrs. B can take her place and have a hand in raising the child. Enter demonic doggy. Demonic doggy, a handsome Rottweiler with sparkling eyes, appears to have the ability to influence a person’s decision making skills ala the son of Sam’s canine pal, but without all the chin music.

For the most part, this outdoor shindig seems to be a smashing success thanks to the Thorns being rich as hell. There’s a merry-go-round and even some cool mini rollercoaster thing I never found under my Christmas tree. You really couldn’t ask for better weather either, so it’s kind of a shame about what happens next. (Actually as horrible as the following events are, you just know that none of the guests could wait to get home to call their friends and relatives to tell them about how F-d up the well-to-do Thorn’s party was. “They ran out of plastic forks and…”)

Our mousey nanny, with more than a little nudging from demonic doggie, decides a much more memorable gift than the store bought kind could be bestowed upon little Damien by hanging herself like a human piñata out of a three story window. With the words “Look at me Damien, It’s all for you,” she takes one step forward and walks out into Kindertrauma history. A hanging nanny should be horrific enough, but THE OMEN, which for the most part, is a relatively restrained affair (sans that decapitation) just can’t resist adding a few extra turns of the satanic screw. In this case it’s not enough for nanny to simply hang and choke, horrifying the on-looking partygoers, she also has to swing backwards, destroy a perfectly good window and startle an unsuspecting indoor maid, who by rights should have been able to go about her daily dusting chores without any knowledge of this, the gift you cannot return.

It’s not so much the violence of the scene that we find horrifying but the glee in which it is performed. With the batting of a doggy eyelash we watch the nanny transform from “one of us” to “one of them”, a shiny happy sleeper agent with a Moonie grin. Rather than quietly going to her room and overdosing on sleeping pills, which would open the same opportunity for Baylock, she picks a spot where she is sure to be seen by all. It’s an act of true terrorism on the part of the devil (and DONNER). A public announcement that the happy family photo montage scenes (like the one that preceded this one) are officially over.

The only thing that needs to be said about the emotional devastation that this display causes is that one of the children at the party is actually shown seeking comfort from a clown (!). Many of the other guests simply look on expressionless, probably trying to figure out how much money the Thorn’s paid the nanny to perform that trick and wondering if she is available for Bar Mitzvahs. LEE REMICK understandably takes this moment to shield her son from the unsightliness, while simultaneously posing for the film’s advertising art, with a pleading expression on her face usually reserved for stained glass saints and porn stars.

All of this trauma-drama is doused in JERRY GOLDSMITH’s life ruining musical score and some weird uncanny bizarre sound effect that sounds like a faucet leaking in an echoey flying saucer. The one person who is nonplussed by the day’s events is little Damian who, by scene’s end, is shown waving a thank you to the rotten Rottweiler for giving his boring (and obviously very impressionable) nanny the pink slip, and creating a crack just large enough for good old Mrs. Baylock to slip through….

Back in the early 1970s, before I could read to myself, my lovely mother would read me a bedtime story every night. Like most children, I got to choose which book mother would read from. There was one I kept going back to…Donkey-Donkey by Roger Duvoisin. It’s about a donkey that isn’t happy with his ridiculously long ears. He seeks out advice from all the other farm animals on how he should wear his ears…down like the dog, out to the side like the cow and the sheep, or to the front like the pig. He tries all the different ways and after a few mishaps, finally realizes that his ears are fine just the way they are…long and straight. It wasn’t because of it’s sweet lesson of, “being happy with who you are”, but for the horrific event on page 14 that I chose this book almost every night. I hated page 14 but couldn’t wait to see it because it made me feel so anxious and weird. This was the page that poor Donkey-donkey accidentally stabs his ear on a “wicked nail” that holds the scythe on the stable door.

The combination of the scythe, the blood, Donkey’s agonized expression, and that creepy spider on the barn wall freaked me out every single night. I knew it was coming and I couldn’t wait to be terrorized by the picture and my mother saying, “wicked nail.”

Last Valentine’s day, my very thoughtful wife bought me a brand new copy of Donkey-Donkey. As soon as I saw the cover all I could hear in my head was my mother’s voice, “Wicked nail…wicked nail…wicked nail…” Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to get to page 14.

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ :: Thanx Mr. Canacorn! Hey kids, add more corn to your diet and visit AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE!

1) I can’t believe you haven’t said anything about SLEEPAWAY CAMP, specifically the freaky ending. I saw this as an adolescent at a slumber party in the 80’s and we had lots of fun mocking the lame kills and acting, but that image of Angela standing naked over her boyfriend’s severed head and doing that weird gutteral “hissing” still affects me as a 32 year-old. I don’t believe I slept a full night in my own bed for at least 2 weeks after seeing that!

2) A made-for-T.V. movie I saw in the 8th grade called FROM THE DEAD OF NIGHT starring LINDSAY WAGNER and BRUCE BOXLEITNER (I had to visit imdb.com to look up the name of the movie) really freaked me out. LINDSAY plays a woman who has a near-death experience and sees these weird shadowy figures in a tunnel before she’s resucitated. Well, the shadowy figures want her back and begin stalking her. I don’t remember much else about it, but the thing that really sticks in my memory is a kid on a skateboard who is killed and possessed by one of the spirits and rolls after LINDSAY’s character in the dark (I think it was a parking garage, but maybe a dark alley, can’t remember.)

3) Another made-for-TV movie that got to me was THE STRANGER WITHIN starring RICKY SCHROEDER and KATE JACKSON. I had a HUGE crush on RICKY from watching SILVER SPOONS as a kid and seeing him play such a convincing psycho really tainted my pristine memories!

Last week we received a Traumafession on THE WORLD BEYOND, a made-for-television obscurity that I personally had never heard of. A little Google action exposed it as a true Traumatizer contender. This hour long supernatural spooker freaked the living bajeezus out of young viewers to the point of causing visual hallucinations (the mud man is under my bed!) and chronic insomnia. It then disappeared into the television static zone leaving many wondering if what they had witnessed was even real. Alternate titles and VHS unavailability added to the confusion. I was more than intrigued, I HAD TOO SEE THIS MOVIE! It became the latest in a long string of tiny, inconsequential goals. Well, mud monster, times have changed since 1978; the Internet has made it virtually impossible for entities like yourself to hide forever, and it’s time you were drug out into the light.
Created as part of a potential television series THE WORLD BEYOND would actually be the first episode following a pilot entitled THE WORLD OF DARKNESS. Later, in order to present it better as a stand alone affair, it was sometimes listed as simply THE MUD MONSTER (A title card on the version I viewed declared the episode as simply “MONSTER”). The basis of the plot is a popular one currently. The protagonist communicates with the dead in order to solve mysteries and aid the unbelieving. GRANVILLE VAN DUSEN stars as clairvoyant sports writer Paul Taylor (a near death motorcycle accident is the catalyst) and it is clear that if the show were to be picked up, he would take his talents on the road helping unfortunates in various locations ala THE INCREDIBLE HULK series. In this case, the drama begins with Paul being contacted by a decidedly dead Frank Faber. Frank implores Paul to go to Logan’s island and save his sister Marion (a pre-POLTERGEIST JOBETH WILLIAMS) before it’s too late. Paul locates Marion easily and with the help of an ornery oldster (BARNARD HUGHES) and his doggie “Lover,” the three embark toward the island to find out what became of Frank.
Things go from jovial to creep-tastic as soon as they pull into a boathouse on the island. Lover the dog goes bonkers and gnaws on his master’s arm, and an ominous howling wind begins what is to become a near perpetual onslaught. I’m a sucker for water-logged terror, so the boat journey where they discover Marian’s dead brother’s life jacket floating by is a good start. Perhaps my second favorite locale for horror is the isolated cabin and that’s exactly where our tale takes us next. The cabin is boarded up from the inside and brimming with books on the occult. There’s no avoiding that something evil is afoot because we soon hear the howling death cries of Lover the dog having his back broken in the boathouse. The dominoes begin to fall and a humanoid-shaped hole in the ground is discovered. Next we find Marian’s poor dead brother Frank buried in the dirt up to his head (it appears as a decapitation at first). One of the texts in the cabin is the Kabbalah and that, along with the figure-shaped ditch in the Earth, leads Paul to speculate that the problem at hand is being caused by a Golem, a soulless mystical being from Jewish folklore made from clay or dirt.

It’s pretty easy to see why THE WORLD BEYOND left such an impression; its use of eerie sound effects is impressive. The constant ghostly wind and the mud man’s gruff growl weave together to form an unsettling blanket over all proceedings. Shaky point of view shots and erratic camera movements also add to the intensity. A stand out scene for those who remember this production finds the mud man losing his arm. The set up is great, an eye of the storm romantic respite between the two leads is sabotaged when Paul opens the door to leave, and comes face to face with the horrific roaring creation. Slamming the door on the beast, they are left with its severed arm on the cabin floor. Closer inspection shows a still actively aggressive appendage that exits into the basement leaving a MR. HANKY like trail behind. There’s more horror to be found in said basement, not to mention a simple solution to the dilemma in the form of a fortuitously located bag of salt. I won’t reveal the final fate of the mud man, but as the story progresses, we do get to see and hear much more from him. Scenes of his dark form twisting and lumbering through nature brought back fond memories of grainy wooded seventies thrillers like THE LEGGEND OF BOGGY CREEK and SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT.

Due to the limits of the medium and the time period this was made, there is a definite hokey (maybe quaint is a better word) quality lumbering about the island as well. JOBETH’s character, for example, is quick to deny being a hysteric, but is blazingly ineffectual (especially when compared to her tigress in a football jersey role in POLTERGEIST) and the way too explanatory closing bit raises more questions than it extinguishes. Still, THE WORLD BEYOND can stand up next to the best of the seventies television horror output just on memorable atmosphere and originality alone. I doubt it will terrify adult viewers, but it could very well remind them what it felt like to be scared as a child. Heck, the soundtrack alone could do that!
Neither THE WORLD OF DARKNESS nor THE WORLD BEYOND are officially available on DVD (a double feature would be great). Thankfully I was lucky enough to find SUPER STRANGE VIDEO, who were able to get a DVD-R copy of the latter title to my front door in a week (!). Taken from a Betamax tape recording of an original television broadcast, SSV’s version of BEYOND makes up for its 58 minute running time by including all the commercials that aired that night, making it quite the little time capsule. The picture quality is not great, but you’ve seen worse, I didn’t find it a problem as I was too wrapped up in the story to care. In fact, it may have added to the feeling of watching a lost, time ravished treasure. To tell you the truth I think I almost enjoyed the commercials as much as the movie, here’s a few that I thought would be of interest to Horror fans:
The very first time THE WORLD BEYOND aired it was followed by co-traumatizer THE BERMUDA DEPTHS which starred CONNIE SELLACA. Here she is shown shilling Excederin right before her big break along side a giant turtle!
Kinder Bunny ADRIENNE BARBEAU is featured in a commercial for an upcoming episode of MAUDE. She meets JOHN CARPENTER around this time on the set of SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME!
This 7-11 spot features a guy who needs to drink coffee to escape his lycanthropic nature. (If it only were that easy!) In the non-horror arena there is a Leggs pantyhose commercial complete with plastic egg, an AIM toothpaste commercial complete with an inappropriately pushy teacher invading a kids bathroom and, best of all, a bumper for the upcoming Miss Arkansas pageant! I swear I do not own stock in SUPER STRANGE VIDEO when I tell you this was the best 20 bucks I ever spent. By the time it was over, I felt I had traveled through a time tunnel. So thanks to the SSV guys for supplying the goods, reader Joe V. for his inspiring Traumafession and, last but not least, the incredible Roger Miller for taping this incredible wonder on his Betamax three decades ago!!!

Shortly after live television director Leigh Michaels (Dial soap pitchwoman LAUREN HUTTON) takes up residence in the super-deluxe L.A. high-rise compound Arkham Towers, she finds herself on the receiving end of some odd phone calls. Neither of the heavy-breathing variety nor particularly menacing, the calls are initially dismissed as pranks by Leigh who is more concerned with adapting to life in Los Angeles. She quickly finds a confidant in new co-worker (and sister of Sappho) Sophie (ADRIANNE BARBEAU), and makes use of one of the worst pick-up lines ever to attract the attention of philosophy professor/ singles-bar habitue Paul (DAVID BIRNEY). Unfortunately, things aren’t as hot on the home front. The calls have escalated, and now Leigh finds herself receiving sweepstakes prizes compliments of a mysterious outfit known as Excursions Unlimited. First, she receives a telescope, and then a string bikini. Pretty menacing, as far as unwanted trinkets from a stalker go, no? The police offer little in the form of assistance, so Leigh and Sophie, with the occasional assist from Paul, set out to catch the creep. Using the telescope, they deduce Leigh’s stalker must be somewhere in the high-rise building across the courtyard from hers. Sadly, their amateur sleuthing results in the wrong man being run out of town, and Leigh ends up looking like “The Gap-toothed Live Television Director Who Cried Voyeur” when the calls and threats continue. Directed by Kinder-fave JOHN CARPENTER, SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME! shamelessly riffs on HITCHCOCK’s REAR WINDOW, and includes the obligatory scene where we witness Leigh sneak into the perpetrator’s apartment from Sophie’s telescopic point-of-view. Perhaps the biggest misstep is the absolute last minute introduction of the stalker’s identity which left me saying, “Wait, who?” Even with it’s left field finale, it’s impossible to deny CARPENTER knows his way around a suspense scene. He’s able to wring tension from the smallest of things and once the set up is in place, it’s virtually impossible to look away.

• Ever the wise-ass, Leigh admits to Paul that she has always harbored a fear of being raped by dwarfs
• Leigh’s narrow escape in the parking lot, complete with hiding in a sewer grate so she can look up her stalker’s pant leg
• Leigh spys the savage demise of pal Sophie through a telescope
• Leigh’s life is saved by her ugly curtains