There are more than a couple highly effective suspense scenes in BRECK EISNER’s remake of GEORGE ROMERO’s 1973 cult film THE CRAZIES (kudos to EISNER for milking a car wash clash for everything it’s worth.). Rather than spewing out the usual over bloated, trying too hard, twelve-inch dance mix of its source material, 2010’s THE CRAZIES keeps it eye upon characterization and delivers an astute, mid-tempo horror excursion that’s easy to find yourself wrapped up in. It may not blow you out of the back of theater, but frankly I prefer my apocalypses in a teacup.

First thing’s first, make sure you don’t confuse THE CRAZIES with that elder ROMERO redo, 2005’s DAWN OF THE DEAD; it may be wearing some of that sibling’s hand me downs (for example, a perfect fit JOHNNY CASH opening track), but it’s got a disposition all its own. THE CRAZIES never quite hits the same delicious zeniths of that barn burner but it never quite hits the same head scratching lows either (I guess I’ll never get over the scene in DAWN, where the uninfected mall bound group allows an obviously ready to turn zombie woman in a wheel barrow into their ranks!) Really, the titular “Crazies,” once friends and neighbors who’ve now lost all rationality, have more in common with alien invasion pod people than the supernatural undead. On the other hand, these guys certainly mean to do more than just stare at you blankly. Well, that suits me fine, loss of identity is yesterday’s concern; loss of morality is so very today.

There is a beautiful eye of the storm moment mid way through the movie where committed to order town sheriff David Dutton (TIMOTHY OLYPHANT) and committed to heal town doctor Judy Dutton (RADHA marry me MITCHELL) return to their home for a brief period after their world has been turned upside down. Judy begins absent-mindedly taking down the laundry she had put out to dry earlier that day and then catches the pointlessness of her actions. The peaceful life that the Duttons had planned for the child they are soon expecting is now an impossibility. The insanity of the outside world, the dehumanizing cattle prodding military, the vicious, violence mongering good ol’ boys, the mentally unstable school faculty et al. cannot be kept off the lawn. The American small town and its virtues are now officially dead and every picket fence is pushing up daisies, insanity reigns. I have to wonder how many expecting parents in real life have felt essentially the same thing.

“Don’t ask me why I can’t leave without my wife and I won’t ask you why you can.” Regardless of the impression you might get from the heavy-handed promotion, this is some pretty thoughtful stuff. Sure the military are sort of ill represented but that’s kind of the point. I caught THE CRAZIES on several occasions avoiding the easy route to its destination. When Dutton’s deputy Russell (JOE ANDERSON) begins to show signs of mental deterioration, rather than paint a soulless monster, we get a glimpse of his realization that he won’t be seeing the closing credits. “I’m not right am I?,” he asks. When his fears are confirmed he then pleads ,“Can I walk with you just a little more?”( or something to that effect.) Hey, there’s something in your Unk’s eyes,…gimme a sec.

Perhaps THE CRAZIES is the perfect bookend to the aforementioned DAWN OF THE DEAD. Whereas that film inadvertently expressed our fears of the world turning to chaos, THE CRAZIES wonders what’s left in the post chaos world. (Duck and cover SPOILER explosion!) One casualty is clear and that is the simple life. We are left with the image of our heroes (Judy is even clad in an I heart Iowa sweater) being forced toward a city skyline after their beloved town and dream future are literally bombed off the face of the earth. No, you can’t keep the madness out kids, even in Mayberry they’re “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Greetings, Unk and Aunt.

I have one major childhood trauma that I will never forget involving something I saw on the T.V. It was during the 1970s, before we imagined that anything like VCRs or DVDs awaited us in the future, and we were at the complete, horrid mercy of the networks to see any movie, and if we missed it then, it may have been a year or longer before we had the opportunity to see whatever neat little offering we missed again.

Anyway, I have been a fan of horror cinema for as long as I can remember, and also the fan of supposed real life monsters like Bigfoot. So I was thrilled when I checked the TV GUIDE and found out that a movie called CURSE OF BIGFOOT was going to be aired on T.V. that afternoon. This weird and somewhat demented little gem of a film that attempts to cash in on a real-life legend is more than worth the effort of finding on video for aficionados of the more bizarre horror films. The fun–and the major trauma–started (I kid you not) in the prologue before the opening credits!

I remember expecting this movie to do the usual and wait until the second half of the film to show a clear shot of the titular monster, but this particular prologue was an exception to this often tantalizing rule that ended up making me feel unhappy rather than thrilled. Not only did this opening sequence feature a genuinely creepy voice-over by some invisible narrator describing this alleged prehistoric hominid horror in a way that truly chilled my bones (he said the creature was “more beast than man…”, or something like that), but within just several seconds we are suddenly treated to a long shot of the full creature, where the beast-man quickly proceeds to walk straight up to the camera so that we get a very uncomfortable–and bone-chilling–close-up shot of its truly hideous face!

Its wicked scream as it approached the camera was almost as bad as its madness-inducing countenance. And if that wasn’t enough, immediately afterwards we saw a totally unnecessary but no less horrifying scene of the creature’s forearm and hand up against a huge rock or some sort of solid object with pools of blood pouring down from it.

That was just too much for me, and I quickly ran in the kitchen where a few adult family members were hanging out. That opening sequence of a memorable little B-film from the 1960s provided me with a major childhood trauma, and it did so in what amounted to less than two minutes of screen time in the prologue sequence, no less. Is that a new record for a film-induced trauma?

–Chris Nigro

UNK SEZ: Thanks Chris, for the great traumafession! Maybe you should count your blessings that you dropped out of CURSE OF BIGFOOT when you did because after that opening, it’s all down hill from there! In fact, the second half of the movie, if I recall correctly, recycles footage from an earlier film entitled TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING (1958). That alone wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that T.B.T.T. has nothing to do with our pal Bigfoot at all and instead involves an ancient ape mummy!

Also Chris thanks for informing us about your two traum-tastic websites!

Kids, check out all the coolness that Chris has been up to; one of his websites is a personal homage to Godzilla called THE GODZILLA SAGA, and the other is called THE WARRENVERSE. It concerns those awesome old magazines like EERIE and CREEPY and you can find that one HERE. Make sure you visit both!

Since 1979, the horrific image of a half-psycho/half-mannequin, knife-wielding maniac from TOURIST TRAP has repeatedly appeared in my dreams. I was forced to watch this movie as a five-year-old by my older brother and his pals. They decided their plot to scare themselves silly would be foiled if I ran screaming out of the room crying to my mommy. So, they blocked the door, plopped me down right in front of the T.V., and proceeded to induce a deep-seeded fear of inanimate clothing models with removable limbs and bad hair-dos.

I’ve always loved horror movies, but I’ve never been brave enough to figure out the name of the first one that sliced and diced its way into the very depths of my subconscious. I’ve so enjoyed the stories of fellow Kindertrauma readers that I’ve had to take a deep breath, google “mannequin horror,” and finally put a name to the face that continues to haunt my dreams! Thanks Kindertrauma!

Hey. I just recently remembered a book from my childhood that I was looking to put to rest. It was a picture book about these aliens who come to earth. I really have no idea why, but either all the kids or all the aliens started throwing up, and there was a full color illustration of either kids or aliens/monsters or both) puking. My mom was so upset by it that she had to talk to a librarian about it. I really want to know if anybody remembers this book (and can tell me why everybody was puking). I read it in ‘96/’97.

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to commenter fragileguilt for throwing up the title HERE COME THE ALIENS!

This is from a movie a saw when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6 years old. I don’t remember the title of the movie or the plot. All I remember is a woman with short, brown (?) hair in a dark room, possibly in a sheriff’s or police station, and possible wearing a (tan?) county sheriff uniform.

The part that terrified me is that when she was in the dark room, there were shelves full of porcelain(?) dolls that came to life and attacked her. I’m pretty positive they killed her.

Does anyone have even a vague clue what this movie is?

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to cryscantdance for knowing that it was JOANNA CASSIDY’s doll-centric demise in THE TOMMYKNOCKERS.

When I was a young’un in the ’70s, whenever my 6th health teacher didn’t want to teach, he’d show a film. (The one on the dangers of alcohol that starred SONNY BONO was groovy, man.) The one that scarred me for life was a safety film about electricity. I was fine with the ‘don’t fly kites near electrical wires’ and the ‘don’t climb electrical pylons’ portion of the film…and then a little girl with her dolly decided to play with the electrical box in her front yard. (I don’t know the technical term for the things, but they’re kind of rectangular, stand several feet high, and are painted a dull green.)

The lock was broken on the electrical box on that fateful day little Sally decided to explore, and she opened it right up. Inside were two white electrical thingies that Sally thought would make a perfect house for her dolly. So Sally reaches in…ZAP!...cut to a scene of a blackened, burnt up doll. I could only assume little Sally looked the same way.

To this day, if I see any neighborhood children anywhere near those boxes, even those that are safely locked, I want to scream at them to RUN AWAY! DON’T GO NEAR THE BOX! So I guess the film worked…

My name’s Tracy V., and I help out at Joe Bob Briggs’ website. (Joe Bob being the most famous expert on drive-in cinema ever to come out of Grapevine, Texas.)

Thanks for letting me get that traumafession off my chest,

Tracy V.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Thank you Tracy V. for bringing an oft unspoken issue to our attention. The importance of electrical safety cannot be stressed enough! While I was unsuccessful in locating the film that traumatized you, I did unearth this chestnut from across the pond which plays out like The Gashlycrumb Tinies set in a electric sub-station. Poor J-I-M-M-M-Y!

A few months back, Geofree C. of Enter the Man-Cave emailed us this:

Hello my fellow Philadelphian brethren at Kindertrauma,

I will keep this short and sweet. When I was a little kid back in ‘81-’82 (yeah I’m old), I remember HBO used to show a short film as filler between their programming. The short in question is called “The Tape” I believe. It is about a man who goes to a job interview (I think) and is attacked by a massive mound of reel-to-reel tape. The man finds a magnet which he uses to fend off the sinister tape, but puts it down to make his escape. The Tape uses this opportunity to wrap around the man and eat him. All that is left is his clothes…it even spits out a shoe. Back in the day, it creeped me out. Nowadays, I would appreciate a stop-motion, low budget attempt at entertainment by a hopeful filmmaker now that I am older. If anyone knows the name of this short or could point me in the right direction to see this again after many years, I would greatly appreciate it. I researched the internet over the last year or so and have been unsuccessful, so trust me that I am not asking this out of laziness. I put this on my website Enter the Man-Cave as well, but the response and accuracy at kindertrauma is uncanny. And if I can’t trust a uber-blog like kindertrauma run by a fellow Philadelphian, who can I trust to help me out? If this has already been posted and I missed it…my apologies!

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide!

Geofree

Having addressed this short with Reader Phibes a few months before, I emailed Geofree the answer and forgot about it until it popped up again this past week from Reader Bill P. who emailed us this:

I can’t remember if I have submitted this before, or seen it in your archives but his has bugged me forever. Back in the good old days of cable, when they had short subjects between movies; I saw one about a guy who goes to an office for a job interview. He finds the office empty and wanders around calling out and looking for signs of life. He wanders into a sound editing room and suddenly tape begins unreeling off a rack of spools and attacks him. He is chased around and around, at one point he finds a magnet and fends off this seething mass of tape, until one bit of it burrows into the carpet and comes up behind him and the rest follows, swallowing him up, leaving nothing but empty clothes. The entire time the tape is in motion it makes this sped-up rewinding sound, even having weird little conversations with its component parts. Any leads on this would be greatly appreciated.

The answer to both questions is the 1975 short RECORDED LIVE:

Look at the face above, doesn’t that say it all? There are dozens of moments of virtuoso horror conduction in ROBERT WISE’s masterpiece THE HAUNTING, yet the presentation of that visage is the one I anticipate with equal excitement and dread. WISE has directed classic films in nearly every genre, he edited CITIZEN KANE and uncredited scenes in THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS, more importantly as far as what we are talking about here, he was the protégé of dyed in the wool dark conjurer VAL LEWTON. Here we find the ultimate tribute to his mentor.

The camera’s concentrated stare at that (imagined/not imagined) face on the wall is a moment when we can catch WISE in the act of basically teaching the audience how to watch a horror film. Don’t be surprised if for the rest of the movie’s running time you are subconsciously on the look out for secondary images within the constant clashing of patterns and off angles within the nearly breathing beast known as Hill House. I have to laugh when people use words like “subtle” and “suggestive” when describing THE HAUNTING. Make no mistake, this is an aggressive mind-fuck campaign you’re witnessing. Just because you’re too clueless to realize you’re being mugged does not mean your wallet isn’t already empty.

Watching THE HAUNTING once again, it was my intention to do a post pointing out the near onslaught of points of unease, the countless eyes on doorknobs and statues that glare at the occupants, the molten black tar shadows that cling to the walls, the endless maze of twisted corners and that damn spiraling, dizzying staircase, but boy did I get lost in the halls of Hill House myself yet again. It seems no matter how many times I visit this gothic funhouse I never exit the same door that I did the last time. I went in looking for that face on the wall and I exited transfixed by another.

THE HAUNTING hasn’t the luxury of time on its hands to deliver the full all-encompassing apprehension of SHIRLEY JACKSON’s novel THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE, but a finer facsimile I doubt is humanly possible. Several of the film’s b-lines and amplifications can even be seen as improvements. CLAIRE BLOOM certainly brings an effervescence to the character of “Theo” not found on the page and well, if any actor has ever “owned” a part it is JULIE HARRIS as Eleanore “Nell” Lance (Vance in the novel). Oh yes, here is another example of your Unk’s favorite type of horror character, heroism-free and verging on unsympathetic. Quit simply, Nell’s a mess and easy pickins’ for Hill House.

When Dr. Markway (RICHARD JOHNSON) invites Nell to join his small team of investigators at the title mansion he does so due to his knowledge of her attracting paranormal activity in the past (which Nell denies.) He has no idea that she has recently lost her overbearing mother to whom she was caretaker. Nell jumps at the chance to start a new life and be free but the reality is she is hardly equipped for the outside world. Her life has been spent fulfilling the needs of others and suppressing herself. She talks a good game (mostly to herself via voice over) but when the world doesn’t accept her with open arms, she recklessly attempts to flee back into the womb. Her real mother may no longer be available but the mother that is Hill House certainly is. (Notice that the most haunted room in the joint is the nursery.)

We are told many stories throughout the course of the film (and novel) some are relevant, some are conjecture and some are outright lies (Nell seems most happy when offering up falsities about her stone li(e)ons and fictional apartment.) One tale that overshadows all is the legend of the paternal evil in the house, Hugh Crain, but if you ask me he is a diversion from the source of Nell’s real threat. The last occupant of Hill House was Hugh’s daughter Abigail and her death perfectly echoes Nell’s mother’s right down to an unanswered knocking on a wall for assistance with a cane. During one of the supernatural visitations we even witness Nell responding to a similar knock on the wall thinking it IS her mother.

When Nell find the words “Eleanor come home” scrawled on a wall by a ghostly scribe we automatically imagine her recently departed mom pleading for her return but is it in actuality this other woman begging her to stay? As in “Come home to what you are used to Nell, you were born to be subservient to the likes of me, not a social being with a life of your own.”

In the film (not so much in the novel) there is an unmistakable sexual tension between the self possessed Theo and Nell that Nell avoids. She puts on airs that she is attracted to Dr. Markway, but I think this too is one of her lies…a cover up. (To be honest, I consider every male character both living and dead in the movie to be a sort of “false lead.”) She calls Theo “one of nature’s mistakes” and it’s almost like someone else is speaking through her (her mother’s words? Words once said to Nell?) It is clear that Nell’s sister Dora has started a family, why not Nell? She may complain of having to take care of her ill mother but perhaps that’s been a convenient way to avoid something else.

When Markway’s wife appears and eliminates the doctor’s usefulness as a decoy, Nell really begins to unravel. She realizes that there is no new world waiting to accept her and that she has no real identity to fall back on. The thoughts that we have been privy to from Nell sound a lot like those of a self-destructive drug addict (or cult member) trying to justify their actions. She wants to loose herself to something bigger to avoid looking at herself and tellingly, the first fright the house delivers her is a mirror (does she see a face or a wall?). Nell has been praying for freedom for eleven years but now that she has it can she handle it?

(Oh-oh, we’re about to crash into a spoiler tree…jump out now!) In the book, Nell, rather than abandoning the false sense of security and purpose she’s found and returning to a world where she perceives herself as having nothing, completely obliterates herself by driving into a tree.

“I am really doing it, I am doing it all by myself, now, at last; this is me, I am really doing it by my-self.”

Oh Nelly Nell, this is the same fucking mistake you’ve made your whole life, confusing self actualization with fulfilling the needs of others…in this case the needs of Hill House.

The movie lets her off the hook a smidge more than the book, as the steering wheel is clearly shown to be controlled by some unseen force that Nell resists. Still, there is the acknowledgment by Theo that Nell may have finally gotten exactly what she wanted. Unable to get a firm grip on either Theo’s or Markaway’s coat tails, Nell essentially resigns herself to the life (or death) of a shut-in, one of those who are housebound and “walk alone” (an eventual recluse herself JACKSON can be seen as the patron saint of the hermetic).

Nell’s experiences in Hill House though often frightening, also involved feelings of belonging that she had never experienced before. She had hope, there were possibilities around the corner and she felt important not just as a caretaker for someone else’s needs but because of her own individual gifts. It’s almost as if it were the positive feelings that she could not maintain that led her the most astray. It reminds me of the time I thought I’d help my friend’s gold fish by giving them clean water to swim in and they all died of shock.

It’s easier to think that Nell was hoodwinked and therefore not responsible for her actions. In my recent viewing though I noticed an expression on her face during her kamikaze drive that I hadn’t before. It’s an expression of ecstasy at having given in to the seductive, malevolent force, for having trashed the idea of “living” for good.

So here’s my new dilemma; I don’t know what’s scarier, that face on the wall I started this post talking about or this newly discovered one. Was Nell happy to stay at Hill House? Did she end up gladly trading in an imagined inescapable situation for a very real one? Did she happily hop from one station of servitude to another, one mother to another? Look at the face below, doesn’t that say it all?

Horror knows best and scary always wins. It is one’s commitment to the horror genre, not sparkle motion, which ensures success. Using voodoo, tea leaves, a soggy box filled with ancient VHS tapes and a dusty magic eight ball, we have predicted the winners of this years Oscars race with bloody, pin point accuracy. Ask yourselves, have we ever been wrong before? (I mean, besides that time way back in early February when we predicted DANIELLE HARRIS was going to be nominated?)

BEST PICTURE: HURT LOCKER

Because it stars that guy who starred in DAHMER (JEREMY RENNER)

BEST DIRECTOR: KATHRYN BIGELOW

On account of she directed NEAR DARK

BEST ACTOR: JEFF BRIDGES (CRAZY HEART)

This one is easy, JEFF BRIDGES was in STARMAN and although not a horror a film, it was directed by JOHN CARPENTER.

BEST ACTRESS: SANDRA BULLOCK (THE BLIND SIDE)

No she hasn’t really been in a horror film but she was in the thriller MURDER BY NUMBERS. I know what you’re thinking “but MERYL STREEP was in the better thriller STILL OF THE NIGHT!” True, true but SANDY B. was in 28 DAYS (the prequel to 28 DAYS LATER) and her co-star in that movie was VIGGO MORTENSEN who not only starred in PRISON, but LEATHERFACE too! So obviously this is going to be BULLOCK’s night!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: WOODY HARRELSON (THE MESSENGER)

One word ZOMBIELAND

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: MO’NIQUE

Yes, I know VERA FARMIGA was Esther’s mom in ORPHAN, but just check out MO’NIQUE in PRECIOUS BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY OH MY GOD IS THIS STILL THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE? She’s a true TRAUMA-MOMMA who can work a staircase better than Michael Myers! Besides, I know better than to say no to MO.

Not that you care but BEST COSTUME DESIGN is going to THE YOUNG VICTORIA and not because anyone worked hard or is a talented designer but because it stars THE WOLFMAN’s girlfriend EMILY “WIND CHILL” BLUNT!

Bet your life savings on all of the above my friend. This is exactly how it’s going down, that is unless AVATAR sweeps on account of JAMES CAMERON directed ALIENS….

I was inspired to send along a trauma that I feel may not be unique to me, but I’m pretty certain I’ve never heard of anyone else who was emotionally scarred….

…by Aerosmith.

Well, more specifically, by Aerosmith’s performance of “Come Together” in the SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND movie. Mind you, I was about 5 or 6 years old when I saw this movie (I didn’t see it when it was released theatrically in 1978, I caught it on T.V. I assume it didn’t make the T.V. rounds until a good year or two after its release, so I’m fairly confident but not 100% on the timing). As much as it’s mind-blowing to comprehend, I was aware of the SGT. PEPPER’S movie before I was aware of the Beatles. So in my young mind, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” was a Bee Gees song. “Got to Get You Into My Life”? Well, that’s Earth, Wind, and Fire, of course. And don’t even tell me some dude named Paul McCartney wrote “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.” That was sung by the King Tut guy from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!

Sadly, that’s not even the tip of the trauma.

No, the mind-scarring came during the introduction of the FVB – Future Villains Band. Played by Aerosmith, they sang a version of “Come Together” that still taints my appreciation of the song and haunts my dreams. Something about the sleazy, snake-rattle opening of the song, the way the band marches out, head down like zombies, and Steven Tyler’s hideous mouth hissing words like, “hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease” – Well, it just TERRIFIED me.

Years later, when I discovered this was actually a John Lennon song – it made no difference. The song still conjures up dark images of Steven Tyler attempting to turn Strawberry Fields into a “mindless groupie” with his big evil lips. Shiver.

Talk about a double-edged trauma. First, the movie ruined the song “Come Together” and, for a long time, Aerosmith itself, AND it had me thinking for years that the Beatles’ concept album was actually a god-awful ‘70s cheesefest narrated by GEORGE BURNS. SGT. PEPPER, I shake my fist at you in rage!

Thanks! Keep up the trauma. Love the site.

For your reference, here’s the performance terror itself…

The onslaught of nor’easters that have bore down repeatedly on Kindertrauma Castle these past weeks have afforded your Aunt John some serious sofa time with the streaming Netflix. While I would like to expound upon the nuanced performances of KATE & ALLIE SEASON 4 at great length, I think this forum is better suited for a discussion of the other abusive relationship tale I also sat through… 100 FEET.

In short, FAMKE JANSEN plays Marnie, a freshly paroled murderess placed on house arrest for killing her abusive, police officer husband and BOBBY CANNAVALE plays Shakes, the hard-nosed cop/ former partner to the murdered husband keeping an obsessively watchful eye on Marnie’s every confined move. Since Marnie is on house arrest, (title alert) she can’t physically be more than one hundred feet from the monitoring device installed in her home and if she is, an alarm is tripped that summons Shakes. Whereas your Aunt John would be tripping the alarm every five minutes (“Oh hi there BOBBY CANNAVALE, did I set off that alarm again?”), Marnie and Shakes don’t exactly mix since she killed his partner. Cops sure are sensitive to stuff like that. To make matters worse, Marnie’s house is haunted by her abusive husband (the tragically over CGI-ed MICHAEL “EDDIE & THE CRUISERS” PARE) who continues to deliver beat downs from beyond.

Despite a wavering accent (is she supposed to be an outer borough New Yorker or only when she’s upset?) JANSEN delivers a solid performance as a woman trapped in rather hellish existence. She has become the scorn of her friends, family, and neighbors and just when you think she has found some slight solace in the arms of the grocery delivery boy (a surprisingly not annoying ED WESTWICK of GOSSIP GIRL) along comes that pesky PARE poltergeist. And herein lies the biggest drawback to the flick; if you are going to cast Kindertrauma favorite MICHAEL PARE, at least give us a good look at his mug other than in the awkwardly staged old photos Marnie takes off her walls. I know he is supposed to be a ghost and all, but PARE’s obscured performance ends up being reduced to a series of repeated fade-in/sucker punch/fade-outs drowned in river of overly computerized blood.

Written and directed ERIC RED (BAD MOON), 100 FEET plays out like a Lifetime woman in peril yarn doused in supernatural syrup and dunked in a bucket a testosterone, and I’m not talking about CANNAVALE’s or PARE’s hormones; I’m talking about studly JANSEN’s. Something tells me that if you were truly on FAMKE’s shit list, you wouldn’t get the chance to come back from the dead, she’d get it right the first time.

Hi Aunt and Unc….

I was hoping one of you trauma-ites may be able to piece this one together..

This harkens back to the late ‘70s early ‘80s, and reminds me of a NIGHT GALLERY re-run, although I can’t put a name on the episode(s), nor can I find it when I search. I think there were multiple short stories told in the same hour or half hour. Of course we may have watched a few shows back to back as kids staying up too late for our own good and there is a chance they are unrelated.

What makes this difficult is the trauma comes from the story I know the least about.

Trauma Story: Creepy Smoke-filled Hole

The show is in color.

There is a hole in the ground, in a field. It’s spring or summer, and there’s a big tree nearby. The hole is bigger than a grave…maybe about 20 feet in diameter. The hole is filled with a thick smoke/haze, like dry ice, which fills it to grass line. You have no idea how deep it is. It is in the tall grass, and no one knows what’s at the bottom of it, although awful sounds can be heard. . I think a kid finds it, and goes back to tell someone.

A man either climbs down and back up, or falls in, and when he gets out he is wide-eyed, babbling, and certifiably insane.

That isn’t the end, but it’s as far as I got that fateful night….I’d love to know where I can see this through to its conclusion, now that I am all brave, and have the option of a pause button. If it helps, the entire vignette was about this hole, it’s not part of a larger story.

If it is helpful, I remember more about the short that preceded this one, although The Hole had me terrified far more, since I didn’t stay up to find out what was in it, or perhaps we never found out, making it even worse.

Precluding Story: Doomed Teens

A group of teens are somehow privy to the prognostication of a fortune teller, or gypsy. Maybe they are cursed by her. Her enigmatic foreboding (paraphrased) statement is, “One by land; two by air.” Two of the three guys in the group are killed, one in a land related death, the other is involved in some death at the airport. The girlfriend of last remaining kid is frantic as she hears the news, and rushes to her boyfriend’s home. Landlady/Mom says she just missed him; he’s going……skydiving!

Can anybody help me out?

Reader Bigwig

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Extra special thanks and a round of high fives are in order for eggplantq who knew that Reader Bigwig was talking about 1973’s ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNKNOWN.

My question is about a T.V. movie that aired in the U.S. sometime between ‘85-’89. A group of male criminals in Halloween costumes (a Santa Claus, a bird of some sort, maybe a turtle) are hiding out or digging in a tunnel and then going after people. I vaguely remember them ringing someone’s door bell then killing them. It is night when they are running around and I think there is snow on the ground. If someone can solve this they are amazing!

Thanks,

Jackie

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Jackie, unless there is another movie with hardened criminals decked out in costumes, I am pretty sure you are thinking of the Australian export FORTRESS which played ad nauseum on basic cable in the mid-to-late ’80s.

How sad the news about the suicide of actor ANDREW KOENIG (and so soon after the suicide of fashion designer ALEXANDER McQUEEN, who one would think had everything.) ANDREW was the son of WALTER KOENING (STAR TREK’s Chekov) and many of us grew up knowing him as Mike’s pal “Boner” on GROWING PAINS. By the way, I’ve already noticed some people on line are jumping at the chance to make jokes about this man’s death and it really makes my stomach turn. Maybe the world really is as ugly as ANDREW must have imagined. Wait, I shouldn’t say that, the world isn’t ugly at all, it’s people who sometimes are.

I just want to say to any readers out there of any age who might be finding themselves thinking about suicide, to stop putting energy into that thought RIGHT NOW. I know things can seem bleak at some points in our lives and if you’re dealing with depression, as KOENIG obviously was, it can appear downright impossible. I’m not trying to Wilson Phillips you here but things will change.

Because I can only view the universe through the goggles of the horror genre, let me use THE FOG as an analogy for the times that darkness and despair enters our lives. I am of course referring to JOHN CARPENTER’s classic and not the indefensible remake. (Chin up, RUPERT WAINWRIGHT, I was perfectly courteous toward STIGMATA.) When the fog rolls in uninvited it not only allows worm-faced ghost zombies to knock on our doors but it literally clouds our vision. The everyday things we find comfort in disappear from view. The thing that is imperative to remember is that the fog does indeed roll out of town. It may seem like the world will never go back to normal, but indeed it will. You need to find the nearest lighthouse, climb up on top and wait it out like Stevie Wayne. Don’t be afraid to give one of those ghouls a good whack with their own hook either. You might find your plight lasting longer than the one night of horror suffered the citizens of Antonio Bay but trust me, the ghastlies will at some point exhaust themselves and disperse.

Folks will tell you to seek help from friends and loved ones but most likely, if you’re feeling this way, you’ve already found little solace in that area. My advice is loose yourself or hideout in the arts until the coast is clear. I don’t care if it’s reading, writing, painting, listening to music, playing video games or (the most effective cure all) watching movies. These things will never let you down and they will always be there for you when you need them. It would be irresponsible for me not to also say that professional help is a Google away and that you just might have some bad chemicals doing the Macarena in your brain but in my opinion, they have yet to invent a pill as powerful as art.

Listen I know, as a teenager I remember thinking about telling life “You can’t fire me, I quit!” on several occasions but I’m so glad now that I kept passing those open windows. (There’s a good book to read, THE HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE.) If I had bit the big one I would have missed MORRISSEY’s solo career, seven seasons of BUFFY, the re-imaging of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, GOD OF WAR on PS2, HALLOWEEN H20, THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER & CLAY, THE GOON, Kindertrauma.com and oh hells no… MY BLOODY VALENTINE in 3-D!?! Plus a zillion other great things including five cats and Aunt John (I’m sorry I can’t guarantee an Aunt John for everyone who sticks this ride out, I wish I could.)

The point is, things change at the drop of a dime; things won’t always look the way they do now. I know life can seem like an actual horror movie sometimes but maybe if you hang on tight like Stevie, you’ll never have to endure a sequel to what’s currently rocking your boat. Take care of yourself kids, regardless of what you may have heard, every life is equally important and whatever you do, watch out for the fog!

“I don’t know what happened to Antonio Bay tonight. Something came out of the fog and tried to destroy us. In one moment, it vanished. But if this has been anything but a nightmare, and if we don’t wake up to find ourselves safe in our beds, it could come again. To the ships at sea who can hear my voice, look across the water, into the darkness. Look for the fog.”

Hold on now here, howza come, as long as I’ve lived I’ve never stumbled across THE TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS? More importantly why has nobody ever mentioned it to me? Is it because it’s a terrible film? Have we met dear readers? What do I care from terrible, it’s just boring stuff I can’t stand. THE TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS is never boring, well, maybe a little but it’s mostly not boring and it’s got the greatest ending ever…scratch that TWO of the greatest endings ever. Here’s one of them…(Careful, this isn’t so much a “spoiler” as the climax of the film…)

Did you see that guy’s head spin?!? Did you hear that ENNIO MORRICONE score?!? You don’t know how much I’d enjoy flamethrowers for arms! If God truly loved me he’d give me at least one flamethrower arm!

I must have seen the video box for this at some point, why did I pass it up? I guess it must have just looked like just another lame Indiana Jones rip-off to me; which it is, but honestly, pound for pound I think I enjoyed it better than the last two Indy flicks. It’s fun, it’s crazy, stupid, dumb fun and it makes zero sense and did I mention it was in 3-D? Well, originally it was. By the way, are there any lucky people out there who got to see this in the theater way back in ‘83? I want to shake your hand. (provided flames aren’t pouring out of it.)

Maybe the reason this one flew past my radar Riley was because it was hatched by the same mind as COMIN’ AT YA! (Spaghetti western star TONY ANTHONY). That film, which is regarded as the kickoff to the eighties 3-D revival, I did see in the theater as a kid and I have to say I was not too crazy about it. (Was I supposed to be stunned by 3-D beans being poured on my head?) I guess it’s possible that I may have avoided this one for that association alone, but CROWNS is soooo much better than COMIN’ AT YA!

The opening of the movie is pretty spectacular too, check this out (and get ready to duck!)…

Stop lying and admit that you want to own that Jacket. I don’t blame you, I love it too. You can’t imagine how bad the dubbing is in this, I adore bad dubbing.

A friend of mine (it could happen) has a large collection of 3-D movies and I recently got to see T.T.O.T.F.C. with the red/blue anaglyph glasses. That was cool, and I’m glad I did, but considering that this was originally presented with the same 3-D technology as FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART 3, I’m thinking it must have been really damn incredible to view in the theater. Man, if only there was some way to properly recreate such things at home…

Let me ruin everything for you by revealing that TREASURE has an epilogue that is completely insane that involves a monster coming out of a swamp for no reason whatsoever. Do you have red/blue 3-D glasses too? Go grab them, I’ll wait,… check this out… if I had my way every film for the rest of time would end this exact same way….

How awesome is that? Did you fall out of your chair? People can yack as much as they want about technology stifling artistry. As far as I’m concerned they can yack ‘till the cows come home as long as the cows come home in 3-D!

I’m so happy 3-D is making a comeback because I personally never voted for it to scram. Sure every once in a while you get burned by a METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN but it it’s worth it for every SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. As long as we’re on the subject, how’s about that floating severed arm in JAWS 3-D? Oh, if only life were in 3-D….oh, wait…it is.

Congratulations – Kindertrauma is an AWESOME site! Here’s my half-remembered trauma:

Sometime in the late ’80s/early ’90s I saw a scene on UK television; (I think) a man was on a bed, possibly a four-poster, and somehow bars appeared from the sides of the bed turning it into a big cage. I think the bars shot up from the edges of the bed, but I’m not sure.

A very hazy memory, but it scared the crap out of me at the time. If anyone can name this film or T.V. show that would be amazing.

Thanks!

Liam