Apparently, according to “science” Scott Derrickson has two films (SINISTER & THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE) lounging out in the top ten list of the scariest films ever made. I’m not sure if THE BLACK PHONE 2 will ever join them but it definitely belongs on a list of great sequels to movies that didn’t need one. It takes a certain amount of bravery to shuffle the cards in a follow up movie due to the likelihood of failure ( see SINISTER 2, BRAHMS: THE BOY 2 & M3GHAN 2) but when it works the results can be glorious (see THE ORPHAN : FIRST KILL , 28 YEARS LATER & of course my boo HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH). I may be extra partial to films that take place in the early eighties (sorta swooned at an early image of the NIGHT FLIGHT logo blazing on a big box TV) and I may be chronically susceptible to snowbound horror (witnessing this film’s solid high five to CURTAINS (’83) is a high point) and I may have an issue with experiencing euphoric dopamine blasts when beautiful music and haunting imagery are combined ( I got the goosebumps when this film played PINK FLOYD’S “The Wall” during a driving through a blizzard scene) so essentially this flick pushed all the right buttons for me. Sorry, but it’s legit gorgeous to my eyes, much of it (the otherworldly dream sequences ) is filmed on smudgy, scratchy, damaged and grainy 8mm film and the visual texture is such a delicious blast of complex flavor in this time of sharp, cringy high definition ugliness.

Elfish (I'm respectfully talkin' LORD OF THE RINGS, not Keebler) Mason Thames is back as Finn, the troubled survivor of the the first film and he’s instantly likable for therapeutically beating the hell out of a would-be bully. He’s joined by his sister Gwen (scene stealer Madeleine McGraw) who swiftly squashes her sidekick status to become a true force of nature. Cleverly, Miguel Mora who portrayed the deceased Robin in the first film throws some glasses on and transforms into his surviving brother who catches feelings for Gwen. The three embark on a journey to a mostly abandoned campground snuggled in a mountain surrounded, CGI-enhanced Colorado countryside during a ferocious snowstorm (!, this my jam) to unravel a very surreal, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (!, also my jam) quandary involving the perplexing impossible return of the smiley-masked child snatcher known as “The Grabber” (portrayed expertly by Maya Hawke’s poppa). Spooky ghost kids abound, threatening static infested phone calls are made and invisible forces yeet our stalwart heroes at nearly every turn.

These days many a horror film contends with the aftermath of trauma but rarely do they provide solutions or dare to confront the anger and rage that survivors deals with. BLACK PHONE 2 with much thanks to the non phoned-in performances of it’s two leads, addresses these issues in truly cathartic ways. It does sorta lean to a troubling “magic Jesus” area at times but it balances that out with a hateful sanctimonious lady getting read for filth so I’ll let it slide. Like almost all of Derrikson’s films there’s a implausibility issue but it happens so late in the game here that it doesn’t make a dent. The atmosphere is awesome, the lead characters are severely root-worthy, the supporting characters (nice to see THE NUN’s Demian Bicher, IT’s James Ransom, RAVENOUS’ Jeremy Davis and up and comer Arianna Rivas) hold their own, and there’s an overall pleasing balance of old school scares, earned humor and heartfelt resolution ( Gwen receives a phone call from the other side that should leave anyone with a heartbeat verklempt). Did I mention that the snowbound cabins depicted have heaters that glow a beautiful neon red? It’s stunning. BLACK PHONE 2 is a dreamy stone cold keeper in my (phone) book, a creative victory for sequels everywhere and a handsome, semi-artsy nostalgic time capsule of a much missed era. I’m not sure if it’s superior to its predecessor, but it surely can boast having way more re-play mojo. Also, may I just say as a society we lost a lot when we lost landlines and phone booths? I really miss them. I hate my smart phone and it clearly hates me.

The central spine of THE CONJURING universe comes to some closure but lets not kid ourselves, this consistently lucrative horror franchise will likely outlive us all. THE CONJURING: LAST RITES is mostly a sentimental spotlight not on the real life supernatural investigators Ed & Lorraine Warren but of the indisputable chemistry between stars Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson. It’s not the best in the series (that would be part 2 imo) nor is it the worst (part 3 is decent enough, but possession via water bed is a hard sell). If you’re looking for an in-depth exploration of the famous Pennsylvania Smurf haunting you may want to stick with the (highly kindertraumatic) 1991 Sally Kirkland/Robert Mandel TV movie THE HAUNTED but then you’d be missing out on saying farewell to two of the best horror heroes to ever hit the screen. Sure, the real Warrens may have been problematic on a multitude of levels but their scrubbed up, cinematic counterparts are charming and admirable and geez, I’m going to miss them (until they inevitably pop up again).

Much like THE JETSONS, the Warrens have a daughter named Judy (currently portrayed by Mia Tomilson). After nearly dying at birth thanks to a haunted mirror, Judy has grown to be plenty psychic like her mother which leads to many a creepy vision and CGI laden hallucination. Her parents have cooled down their ghost busting thanks to Ed’s SANFORD AND SON-level heart problems and now give lectures to scoffing college students. What could get these two cooing lovebirds back into the demon occupied trenches? After a friendly priest hangs himself, daughter Judy is psychically drawn to the haunted Smurf residence and her folks begrudging assist. Eventually they learn their least favorite evil haunted mirror resides in the Smurl’s attic having somehow escaped a garbage truck and it still has an axe to grind with the Warrens’ name on it ( having been a lame communion gift to one of the Smurl daughters from her grandparents. Who gifts a severely cracked mirror?). “Based on a True Story” is pushed to extremes as the flick plays fast and loose with the so-called facts. No surprise there, but much of the interesting eccentricities of the Smurl tale are jettisoned as well. It makes sense that things are streamlined and surely elements like the poltergeist rape of Mr. Smurl could damper the proceedings but a lot of what makes the Smurl haunting memorable is rendered routine by the witting down process. I guess what I’m saying is I could have used a ghost pilgrim like the ones depicted in the aforementioned TV movie. Ghost pilgrims are scary. Instead we get sorta a cowpoke Marilyn Manson.

All in all, I did indeed enjoy THE CONJURING: LAST RITES partly because I’m bonkers for both Farmiga & Wilson and partly because I’ve endured much more aggravating “final” installments in my lifetime (looking at you FREDDY’S DEAD & HALLOWEEN ENDS). Director Michael Chaves is no James Wan but he’s a Wan approved, reasonable enough facsimile. The cinematography is rich and uses amorphous darkness to great effect and sound design is perpetually persuasive. You know what? Corny as it may sound (cue Elvis’ singing “I can’t Help Falling in Love With You”), I even got a little teary -eyed at the end which nicely high-fives earlier installments.

THE CONJURING universe offers a far-fetched fabricated reality where love and light always wins against the powers of darkness and it’s a nice break to hang in such a spiritually clear and balanced dimension even if it’s for just a little while. It may be far from accurate, but so is much of recorded human history and at least this spookshow has it’s heart in the right place. Innovation is AWOL but that’s fine by me, it sticks the landing, doesn’t rock the boat and ties up affairs snugly while always understanding the central love story is just as vital as the scares to fans of the franchise. Furthermore, because this movie takes place in 1986, I was happily subjected to the musical stylings of eighties titans THE CULT, HOWARD JONES and most importantly, ROMEO VOID. What’s not to love about that?

I was kinda dragging my feet when it came to seeing the new Stephen King adaptation (originally published under his pseudonym Richard Bachman) THE LONG WALK because although it looked intriguing, it was also giving depressing bummer vibes. Turns out yep, it is an ordeal and it is sad and there’s something extra dismal about a “dystopian” film that feels like not much of a stretch at all. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great movie that is sure to become a cult favorite in years to come that beautifully points out the possibility of humanity amidst inhumane conditions but it’s harrowing as heck especially if you are someone who is sensitive to the anguish of Judy Greer.

THE LONG WALK offers the too plausible scenario of life in America becoming so financially impossible that young men are willing to enter a contest where they could win a ton of money if they happen to be the last one standing in a trek where if you fall behind or don’t keep the pace, you’re killed. It’s sorta like Shirley Jackson’s THE LOTTERY meets THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON’T THEY? The odd thing is, as much as this horror fan lives to see people chased by chainsaws, punctured by gardening tools (not to mention shish-kebabs) and torn to shreds by aliens, I’m really not down with having to see folks shot in the head at regular intervals. It’s a lot. There’s also the horrifying element of the participants in this survival contest not being allowed proper bathroom breaks which I am pretty sure would have me tapping out super early if ever in the situation.

Director Francis (CONSTANTINE, I AM LEGEND) Lawrence does an excellent job of making sure what could have been a monotonous slog stays engaging throughout and cinematographer Jo Willems (30 DAYS OF NIGHT) beautifully captures the rustic melancholy side of the country which feels forgotten and swept under the rug. The film’s strongest suit though, is its actors. Cooper Hoffman (the late Philip Seymour’s son!) Is excellent as Raymond who throws his hat into the ring to avenge his father (Josh Hamilton) who was executed for sharing banned materials and to make life easier on his poor mom (the aforementioned and always welcome Greer). David Jonsson who recently impressed in ALIEN: ROMULUS, plays Pete, a guy whose newly formed friendship and support of Raymond is the brightest spot in this glum and pessimistic vision. Mark Hamill plays comeuppance baiting, empty platitude barking villain “The Mayor” so well that I thought he was Brian Cox until Imdb schooled me otherwise (He’s really come a long way since his breakout role in CORVETTE SUMMER)! Ultimately, THE LONG WALK is the cinematic equivalent of doom scrolling so I don’t recommend it for slumber party fun but it’s well crafted, well acted and poignant enough to easily carry the viewer past the finish line.

Early the other morning before I was even fully awake, I went into my backyard to feed a stray cat that hangs out there. The back gate is chained shut but loosely so that the cat (Cookie) can come to and fro. As I was dispensing the goods, the gate clanked loudly as someone tried to open it and that someone shoved her grizzled, overly made-up shrunken apple head through the crack as best she could and screeched “Please sir, can I run through your house? My husband is chasing me!”. It was a hard “No” from yours truly as I advised her to run out the alley instead. Not sure what kind of danger the nightmare hag was in, but she scared the living crap out of me and reminded me of that terrifying scene in Dave Lynch’s MULHOLLAND DR. (2001) involving the heart attack inducing alleyway dumpster entity. I bring this up because Zach (BARBARIAN) Cregger’s latest horror flick WEAPONS basically told MULHOLLAND to hold its beer and delivered similar hag-tastic jolts to my unprepared psyche on a multitude of occasions. I’m a quiet movie watcher but this flick actually made me gasp out loud at one point which would have been embarrassing if half the entire theater didn’t do the same.

I don’t even know where to begin with non-linear WEAPONS, except to say it’s masterful and chilling and wonderfully unpredictable. It’s absolutely ferocious in places and insanely funny in others. It’s endlessly intriguing and haunting and bizarre and feels like a communal nightmare that can be interpreted infinite ways (personally, I was struck by what seemed like an allegory about older generations stifling and holding back younger ones, but the director says he was mostly inspired by his traumatic childhood dealing with parents numbed by alcohol). There’s a consistent compelling push and pull between a grounded reality and a completely insane, otherworldly supernatural force and although it may go too far into the surreal for some, I thought it balanced the two tones splendidly. The acting is phenomenal; Julia Garner as a flawed, ostracized teacher under public scrutiny, Josh Brolin as a father looking for answers, Benedict Wong as a principal trying to keep order (and enjoy hot dogs) and Austin Abrams as a junkie just looking for some cash, all excel. The real scene stealer though is the great Amy Madigan as you’ve never seen her before and perhaps would rather not see her again, who makes Ruth Gordon’s Minnie Castevet from ROSEMARY’S BABY seem like a slacker. Naysayers are going to nay say but much like that crazy lady trying to get through my gate, WEAPONS got me and got me good. I’m painting “instant classic” on the side of its car with blood red paint.

TOGETHER stars real life couple Dave Franco and Alison Brie as co-dependent city folk who start a new life in a small town and find themselves literally fusing together after a run in with contaminated water. The acting is fine, it’s assuredly directed and there’s a few decent enough gross-out shocks every once in awhile but to tell you the truth, I wasn’t feeling it and it left me shrugging. All is serviceable enough but once the sub-Cronenberg melding shenanigans begin there’s really only one direction things can go so it’s just a progression of body horror gags that get progressively worse until finally the ultimate culprit is revealed to be the currently trendy scapegoat… a secret cult (Legit concern all things considered, but getting to be a too convenient catch-all explanation as of late)! I get why one might find this critic-baiting relationship skewering wannabe arthouse flick of note, but I found it predictable (an early mention of the SPiCE GIRLS simply had to lead to an eventual climax involving the song “2 Become 1”) and even borderline judgmental at times (it’s like they’re being punished because the wife is the breadwinner and the husband is pursuing financially iffy dreams of being a musician). I’ve loved worse but it’s a bit of a slog to reach the rather goofy looking sight gag conclusion.

I’ve been literally counting down the days until the premiere of the new TV series ALIEN: EARTH in a way that may be courting clinical obsession. And I was nervous. Would it be a pleasant surprise like ROMULUS or a bundle of missed opportunities like COVENANT? Well, if the first two episodes are any indication it looks like we are in for something extraordinary and far from the usual retread. The plot involves a zoo-like ship carrying a variety of specimens that crashes into a major metropolitan city and the horrific, alien infested clean up that ensues. There’s much creativity and world building on display, the characters are interesting and the levels of action and most importantly, horror are undeniable. Like ROMULUS, a sibling relationship appears to be the emotional core but unlike ever before we are introduced to a young human character who for health reasons, has her consciousness transported to an older synthetic body potentially leading to some fresh and fascinating territory. Even better news is that the score is pitch perfect, the savage xenomorphs have rarely looked more solid and intimidating and many more fantastic creatures are being introduced. I may end up with lingering nightmares due to the fate of a certain cat but so far, this slick, surprisingly cinematic and cerebral series appears to be everything ALIEN fans have been hoping for and then some.