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Name That VHS Tagline Funhouse!

December 1st, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 11 Comments

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Name That Trauma:: Xminus on a Chiller Van Helsing Short

November 28th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 7 Comments

A while ago on the TV channel Chiller I watched a short. I can’t find it or remember the time I watched it. It was some time in the past 14 years. I think it was about the five senses of fear. It involved a guy looking for love who finds a rather attractive woman and all I remember is that they go to a hotel, the door closes and there is a sound of screaming coming from the room. The camera zooms out to a doctor’s bag and the name on the bag is Van Helsing! The name of the short I am thinking of is “(unknown name)”s lament.” That is all I can remember. Did I make this up? I can not find this anywhere on the web. Can you help?

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Name That Turkey!

November 24th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 10 Comments

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving! I know it’s not nice to call a movie a turkey but I’m going to do it anyway in order to make this post holiday themed. Below are ten images from ten semi-terrible movies that are hated by normal humans but loved to death by yours truly. How many of these must-see gems do you recognize?

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Streaming Alert:: Comet’s Freaky Feast Marathon

November 22nd, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 1 Comment

Heads up! On Thanksgiving Day, if you end up hungry for some killer entertainment, our old pals over at COMET TV have got you covered in fantastic horror gravy with their FREAKY FEAST MARATHON! You can catch COMET for FREE on your home computer HERE or on your trusty TV via cable or magical airwaves! Let’s check out the schedule!

SUPERBEAST = 10 am ET/PT (9 am CT- 11 am MT)

I don’t know this movie and it’s on too early for me to watch so I’ll use this space to explain that in all cases below, whatever the time the movie is on at ET/PT (Eastern and Pacific Time) it is on an hour earlier in Central Time and an hour later in Mountain Time. Luckily, I live in Eastern Time so no math for me!

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN = 12pm ET/PT

This slimy 1977 sci-fi gross-out may be slow as molasses in spots but who can resist special effects from the legendary RICK BAKER? It’s not nearly as scary as I imagined it would be when I caught the TV commercial as a kid but if you’re on a diet and looking to curb your appetite, it might just do the trick!

HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF =2pm ET/PT

I don’t mind telling you I was absolutely outraged when I first saw this movie back in the day. Has a horror sequel ever dived so steeply in quality from its predessessor? Years (more like decades) later though, when I was less of a fussbudget, I came to realize that HOWLING II’s cheap, anarchic flippancy was more fun than a barrel of were-monkeys. My constant re-watching of this brash atrocity reminds me of my favorite line from the poem “You Are Old Father William” from Lewis Carroll’s ALICE IN WONDERLAND:

“In my youth,” Father William replied to his son,
“I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I’m perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.”

THE VIDEO DEAD = 4pm ET/PT

Let me cheat and quote myself from when we last suggested this humble humdinger on a past SUNDAY STREAMING post:

“THE VIDEO DEAD is a true one of a kind flick. It’s sometimes legit creepy, sometimes legit hilarious and all the time legit charming. It’s never stingy with the gore and the surprisingly impressive special effects and some of the ghouls shambling about have some serious personality (wait till you meet the bride)! There’s a sweet homegrown backyard feel to this 1987 straight to video release but it runs at a good clip and features more creative set pieces than a dozen Hollywood productions. Mostly, it’s just pure unadulterated eighties-style fun and the fact that writer/director ROBERT SCOTT never went on to make another horror movie is a crime against the undead.”

THE BEAST WITHIN = 6pm ET/PT

Where to start with this insane movie? For one thing, it was directed by the same guy (PHILIPPE MORA) who brought you the aforementioned HOWLING II: YOUR SEQUEL IS AN OUTRAGE and for another thing, it involves a mutant cicada. Furthermore I sort of love it and wrote a full review back HERE.

CREATURE 8pm ET/PT

Somehow CREATURE has become one of my most favorite ALIEN retreads. I think it has a lot to do with its impressive cast (Why isn’t DIANE SALINGER a household name?) and the fact that it gives you some crystal clear sightings of its monster. Check out the mini-tribute I wrote not so long ago HERE.

There you have it and what more could you possibly ask for? I know what I’m thankful for this year and it’s COMET TV (especially a couple nights ago when I couldn’t get to sleep and happily found out they were showing BLOOD AND LACE (full review HERE)). COMET TV is always there when you need it.

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Name That Trauma:: Dylan Donnie-Duke on a Lascivious Chameleon

November 21st, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 3 Comments

Hey Kindertrauma! Dylan Donnie-Duke from The Walter Paisley Movie House here! A TWPMH member asked this question, and I am at a loss, so I am looking to the real experts for help. Thanks in advance! Here’s what he asked:

Do any of you Gen Xers remember an animated movie from the early 80s? I think it was on HBO a lot. It was about pirates, brothers who were a pirate and an admiral, and there was this weird Chameleon critter in it as well. I also seem to remember this movie being somewhat lascivious.

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Name That Trauma:: Dustin in Minnesota on a Candlelight Translation

November 20th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 1 Comment

Hello Horror Fans!

I am trying to recall the title of either a short story adapted for television, or a television episode that I saw around 1979-1983.

I don’t remember much about it. It was on one of those PBS educational shows where they would adapt a youth novel or short story for television. The only scene I remember involved a girl trying to guess what something meant in French (and coming remarkably close, for a guess).

She thought it *sounded like* it might mean “ghost if I can,” or “devil if I can.’ The translation was something like “diable si je peux,” which does indeed translate into “devil if I can.” I don’t think she was a native speaker, because she was reading it and trying to figure out. She actually said the second part “sounds” like “if I can.”

It was a darkened room, possibly a study or library in an old house where she was reading. Suspenseful music was playing, and she may have been reading by candlelight

That’s all I remember. Did anyone else see this?

Thanks

Dustin in Minnesota

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Name That Blood Movie!

November 17th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 16 Comments

Below are ten images from ten films that all have the word BLOOD in the title! How many of these BLOOD-titled moves can you identify?

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Screening Alert:: Blessed Are the Children

November 15th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · No Comments

If you live in the lovely city of Philadelphia or are Philly-adjacent you should scrap whatever plans you’ve made for this Saturday night (November 18) and swing on down to South Street. I say this because KINDERTRAUMA and THE PHILADELPHIA UNNAMED FILM FESTIVAL (AKA PUFF) are teaming up to host a very special screening of CHRIS MOORE’s twisted shocker BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN! You can read my full review of this fine flick right over HERE or just believe me when I tell you to do yourself a favor and go see it! This is sure to be a fun one to watch with a crowd and I think you’ll really dig the unique screening space at 327 South Street (right across from the good ol’ TLA Theater!) The movie starts at 8PM which means you can still go out afterwards and get drunk (but not if you’re driving). Check out the trailer below and be there (327 South Street at 8PM on Saturday the 18th) or be square!

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For My Dad

November 13th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 23 Comments

I haven’t posted in a while because my Dad died. He went to the hospital complaining of back pains and he passed away three days later. It was cancer and there were complications and I’m not going to elaborate further. The important thing for me was that I got to see him, look into his eyes and hear him say my name. I’m shell-shocked but am grateful for the fact that he looked peaceful when he passed and that he was surrounded by loved ones. I tell myself every day that today is the day I’ll get back to “normal,” knowing there’s no “normal” to get back to. If normal still exists, I can’t see it from here and if it should show up I’m not sure I’d welcome it. I’m kind of pissed off at normalcy right now. It feels like something fraudulent I’ve trained myself to tolerate. Suddenly my usual inspirations feel trivial and my go-to mental preoccupations reek of pettiness. I thought I was an expert at dissociation and denial but maybe this coat doesn’t fit me anymore or I’m too tired to put it on. There’s a non-stop avalanche in my head.

What’s more appropriate for these pages is that I tell you that my father is directly responsible for my love of horror- for the therapy of horror – for the catharsis of being terrified for a moment and then being comforted seconds later by purring privileged safety. One of my earliest memories takes place in Allison Park, Pa. Many of my cousins are visiting and there must be at least a dozen of us kids. It’s early summer night and I’m sure there would be fireflies. We’re sitting on a wooden patio my father built or on aluminum fold out chairs. You have to be careful where you place your chair; this backyard is known for underground wasp nests. My brothers and I are often dumb enough to throw rocks at these hives in order to agitate them. My Dad is telling a scary story that might involve the house that burnt down next door, the end result of smoking in bed. When my father comes to the climax of the tale we’re slowly starting to believe, my Uncle, draped in a white sheet, jumps out from behind a bush wailing, sending all of us screaming in every possible direction. This is pure thrilling joy for me, an explosion of excitement. Suddenly all of us cousins, no matter age, size or gender are a unified mob in our shared fear followed by elation. Like every kid ever, we all beg for one more story.

I was a fearful child due to the fact that a giant hand lived under my bed that wanted to drag me to who knows where. Plus, there was “Mary Wolf” to contend with. Mary Wolf looked like an African mask I spied on the cover of a children’s Encyclopedia (which I’ve yet to see again) and I think the she-devil was born from my mishearing the title of the comic strip “Mary Worth.” Oh, and someone thought it was a great idea to put a clown painting on my bedroom wall. When cars drove by the house, reflected headlights lit up his stupid face at vexing intervals. Listening to my Dad’s scary stories was like lifting up the trunk of my fears and letting a few fly away or at least lose some power. It’s no wonder I got addicted to the sensation. Each scary story made me a little braver. Eventually my father brought home a scary-story telling machine. We were the first on our block to obtain this life-changing device; some folks called it a VCR. This machine showed me things that my father would likely not approve of but thankfully he let us rent anything we wanted and paid zero attention to ratings. This might not seem like a good idea to some but to me it was the greatest gift in the world.

My father and I were not very much alike. He appreciated sports where I thought soccer was a game in which you monitored ant hills until a ball rolled towards you and people yelled “Wake up!” He was organized and meticulously clean while my home looks like a cross between the set of SANFORD AND SON and the trash compactor scene in STAR WARS. My Dad was a great, accomplished businessman with an incredible work ethic whereas it took me weeks to write this tiny blog post. You get the idea. We’re basically opposites but he let me know that was O.K. I learned countless lessons from my father but the most important lesson was embossed in our very relationship and that is that you don’t have to agree with somebody about everything to love them. Truth told, as conservative as my Dad sometimes seemed to me he had an artistic streak that was impossible to ignore. Nobody in my family will ever forget when he broke against the established decorum of the neighborhood and painted our front door the most amazingly garish, nearly fluorescent, leaning toward fuchsia, red. My brothers and I could see that door from literally miles away as we explored the golden California fields around our childhood address. It was so bright that we could never get lost and we always knew our way home. The only beacon that shined brighter was my Dad.

I’m not going to post a picture of my pop, I’m not sure he’d be into that. Instead, here is a picture of TED KNIGHT with a chimp because I know it would crack him up. I Love you, Dad. Maybe it’s time for me to repaint my front door.

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Kindertrauma Halloween Special Funhouse!

October 27th, 2017 by unkle lancifer · 17 Comments

Below are ten images from ten Halloween themed episodes of popular TV shows. How many can you identify?

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