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Poltergeist 3

March 18th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 4 Comments

    This post is part of FINAL GIRL‘s

      HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

        In which participants:

          “write about something in the world of film that fills you with complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY.”

            I’m not sure I know what this “joy” thing is, but I do know that you’re supposed to say “mentally challenged” rather than “retarded” and “whoopee” instead of the “F” word! Wait a minute, that sounds kinda douchey, perhaps I missed the point of this whole thing! Actually I know exactly what my pal Final Girl, aka Stacie Ponder is talking about. You see, all us folks who write about movies sometimes we forget that we’re supposed to sorta LIKE movies a little bit. It seems we’re kinda busy trying to be know-it-alls all the time and that we forget what it’s like to just enjoy the stuff. Anyone can sit back and judge and critique but you know what? It’s super fucking hard to make a movie and it’s not something any retard can do. Movies are amazing things and they can change the way you think about stuff and they can take you away from all your worries almost as well as alcohol can, but without that whole waking up in an alley with a missing shoe problem. We tend to fold our arms and say, “Show me!” to the screen rather than putting a little effort forth and trying to understand what the filmmakers were trying to do and that’s OUR loss. I’m not saying that there aren’t lousy movies out there, but let’s be honest, there are way more lousy audience members.

              So to quote one of my favorite lines from the unloved DEMI MOORE vehicle MORTAL THOUGHTS “Where is the joy?” Well for me the joy is in perfect moments in not so perfect movies like MORTAL THOUGHTS. Stacey’s gauntlet toss had me thinking “Here is the perfect time to defend one of my favorite flicks that everyone hates!” Would it be CATHY’S CURSE or THE ATTIC? Honestly, both of those movies just seemed too big for me to tackle in my post Saint Patrick Day’s haze.

                Then it came to me, POLTERGEIST 3! How I love it! And not even because it’s a freaky failure or because there’s big hair and awful GOLDEN GIRLS style pastel clothes and truly shitty dialogue. I’m just amazed that it exists and I can watch it everyday. I think it’s just weird as hell and strangely moving and there’s a real yucky death vibe in there. It’s just so damn DIFFERENT from everything else. I love that none of the effects were done in postproduction. I love the corny mirror tricks. I love director GARY SHERMAN(DEAD AND BURIED). I love NANCY ALLEN. Holy shit, I may even love the intolerable Scott (KIPLEY WENTZ)!

                  I love it so much more than I could ever love a “good” movie. Honestly, you really don’t know what love is until you figure out how to love imperfection…I think Jesus told me that, pass it on. So there I was ready to write my review and I remembered THIS FANTASTIC POLTERGEIST 3 SITE! I thought I’d just check it out for last minute inspiration, but once there I said to myself, self I sez “HERE is the joy… This is joy in all its fucking retarded glory!”

                    Webmaster David Furtney who is well aware of P3‘s considerable faults is infatuated and madly in love with P3 to a degree that should be envied by filmgoers everywhere. Let me go one further, as a human being on this planet consider yourself lucky if ANYONE ever loves you with a fifth of the devotion that David does his P3. When I saw that he even linked to an online SPEAK n SPELL game I nearly choked back tears. My “Don’t be a douchbag day” dreams had been answered!

                      I can’t tell you that POLTERGEIST 3 is a good movie, but I can tell you what love is and if you don’t recognize it when some one is pointing it out to you as plainly as I am here, then you my friend may be ever so slightly douchey. So rather than post a review, I suggest we all check out DAVID’S SITE, maybe it won’t change your mind about POLTERGEIST 3, but I think it may remind you of a similar movie that you have in your collection; one that you may not be exactly proud of, but that you turn to now and again when you want to remember what joy is.

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                      4 responses so far ↓

                      • 1 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Mar 19, 2008 at 10:08 am

                        Totally agree on the enjoyment of movies thing, Unkle–in fact, it’s the whole philosophy behind my review blog! The Duke and I always say, there’s really no virtue in refusing to allow yourself toe be entertained. If you can’t cheer with it, you can laugh at it–in most flicks, however inept, there’s always SOMETHING to enjoy. A movie has to be really, really trying to be so awful that I usually can’t find something to like….or it has to be so disappointing that it makes me pine for what should have been. But those are few and far between, and for my “lowbrow” tastes I will not apologize. 🙂

                        It’s been years since I saw P3, though…I remember almost nothing about it. But I trust the Kindertrauma crew! Kindred spirits! 😉

                      • 2 Final GirlNo Gravatar // Mar 19, 2008 at 10:56 am

                        “I’m not saying that there aren’t lousy movies out there, but let’s be honest, there are way more lousy audience members.”

                        That’s so true. I always give myself pause when, after watching a trailer, I give it an immediate “Meh. No thanks”. I think about how much time and effort and money have gone into the film, and in 20 seconds I totally blow it off.

                        Which I guess is fine…I mean, if I don’t want to see Big Momma’s House 10 then I don’t wwant to see Big Momma’s House 10 no matter what.

                        I’ve never seen ANY of the Poltergeist sequels! I should have Poltergeist Week or something.

                      • 3 CarrieWhitePowerNo Gravatar // Mar 19, 2008 at 12:15 pm

                        OMG Mortal Thoughts F*CKING RULES!!!

                      • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 19, 2008 at 5:54 pm

                        Vicar,
                        I always like your taste in movies and I think you’ll get a kick out of P3. Even though you have seen it before, it is like a fine wine that gets better with age. It’s flavor may be at it’s peak of insanity right now.

                        Final Girl,
                        I would sell my teeth to a gypsy to hear your thoughts on P3. Initially you will be like WTF? but I predict once you get to the scene where Tangina looks up from her garden tea party like she heard a psychic dog whistle and yells “He’s found her!” you’ll be smitten. (Plus P2 and P3 are on the same disc so that will just take up one space on your Netflix queue!) I gotta say as far as mainstream American horror goes both those sequels are plenty screwy. Don’t get me started on Reverend Kane or when Dad gets possessed by a tequila worm!

                        CarrieWhitePower,
                        Right? Glenne Headly saying “You tink dis is ovah?” how awesome is she?

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