I have a very vague memory of a movie I saw as a kid. I must have watched it in the ’90s but it could have been a movie from the ’70s to ’90s. I don’t remember which part happened when but I’ll try my best. I didn’t watch the whole movie either, just a few scenes. It was about this woman and her son in a winter setting and it was like no matter where they went, something totally bizarre and scary was happening. They went to a middle school or high school and all the kids looked either possessed or demonic or like ghosts. They wanted to hurt the woman and her son but they ran. Then she is driving and to her right she sees a guy standing in the snow and he suddenly falls through. I think she investigates this and finds a facility underground and there are a bunch of people fighting this machine/alien; not really sure what. Like I said, very bizarre but I would love to find out what it is called and watch it as an adult.

– Luke

Let’s give Netflix Streaming the cold shoulder today on account of how it put us through the emotional wringer last week and forced me to eschew my much needed beauty sleep! Let’s go visit our unreliable and fickle old pal YouTube instead! I usually don’t feel entirely comfortable wrapping a post around a YouTube movie as you never know when they too will skip out on you, but today’s flick is so good it has inspired me to throw caution to the wind. I also sometimes worry that if I get folks to watch something for free (!) then somebody somewhere, a bag lady perhaps, is not getting her royalty check! Karma-lamity! The thing is this one isn’t on DVD anyway and my theory is if you watch it on YouTube now, you’ll be happy to buy it if it ever does become available and then save that hypothetical bag lady! You can’t save her if you don’t know the movie exists! Yes, I’m only pretending to care!

Anyway, today’s fantastic flick is called NEXT OF KIN! If you’ve already seen it you know what I’m talking about and if you haven’t, get ready for your next favorite thing in the world. Just listen to these incredible stats! It’s from Australia, it’s a lady vs. awesome house tale, it’s from 1982 the magical year for perfect movies, the cinematography is outstanding, it has one of the best horror scores of literally all time (Viva KLAUS SCHULZE!) and the strapping love interest is the psycho from WOLF CREEK (thumbs up JOHN JARRATT!)!!! I would not be terribly surprised if NEXT OF KIN was an influence on TI WEST’s HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. It’s got the same lazy stroll pace and then just when you are all warm and snuggly, it crashes your cranium with an iron frying pan. Although, allow me to say, I think NEXT OF KIN carries the superior clobber! It’s a lightening bolt! It’s a veritable goth-gasm! Nobody deserves to be as happy as it’s sure to make you! I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve watched this movie a couple times now and I’m still unclear about why folks want to kill this lady. I’m not sure it matters. Now, think of a movie in your head! NEXT OF KIN is better than that movie!!! It’s my favorite type of thing except this time it’s actually done well! It’s proof positive that there is gold in them there hills just waiting to be unearthed! Watch it now!!!! Or don’t!

Heaven help you find the ten differences in these two posters!

In THE LORDS OF SALEM, Heidi Hawthorne (SHERI MOON ZOMBIE), a radio disc jockey, receives a mysterious package with a record inside. A friend attempts to play the record for her but it merely skips until Heidi places the needle upon it herself. The disc produces a haunting wall of sound that puts Heidi in a sort of a Stendhal syndrome trance while her friend remains unmoved. For whatever reason, Heidi then chooses to share her unusual discovery by playing it on her radio show. As the recording howls and booms over the airwaves, we again observe that the music affects different people in vastly different ways, some scowl and shrug and some stop in their tracks mesmerized. The best way to describe ROB ZOMBIE’s THE LORDS OF SALEM is to say that it’s a movie that operates exactly like that record does. It’s a treasure trove for those that respond to visual and audio stimulation and a barren coffer for slaves of clarity and traditional storytelling. If you fall into the latter category, don’t ever see this movie! I beg you! That whole crossed arms, I just ate a lemon, indignant consumer routine you do; it’s not as cute as you think it is.

ROB ZOMBIE is one of the more significant horror directors working today not because he is the most commercially successful but because he has miraculously held on to and honed his own voice (against a tsunami of chattering teeth opponents, I might add). Love it or lump it, he’s now at the artistic level where accessibility is no longer a concern. Think of THE LORDS OF SALEM as his STARDUST MEMORIES, he’s point blank telling anyone still listening that he’s not truncating his journey just because you dig his “earlier, funnier movies.” That could very well irk folks who can’t seem to connect with his work but stand down horror fans; the genre deserves at least one modern director not slavishly beholden to the sensibilities of mall teens. If you don’t like it, good. Welcome to the world of art! Don’t frown; in this joint you can get just as much stimulation from the stuff you don’t like as the stuff you do! Remember, you must be this tall to enter, keep your hands inside the car and stand ready to see things done in ways that you might not have done them yourself! Here is a bullet to bite. I know it’s not what you want but trust me, it’s what you need…

To me, in one way or another, each ROB ZOMBIE movie has been more interesting than the one that came before it. I’m not saying “better,” I’m just saying more thought provoking. (Actually, I could almost say I like each one better than the last except THE LORDS OF SALEM is not dethroning H2 in my heart anytime soon.) Maybe I’m just a very visually oriented person but there are moments in THE LORDS OF SALEM that I think are more potent and valuable then many of ZOMBIE’s directing contemporaries entire output. I’m not kidding. If an alien came to earth and was like “I’m either going to obliterate from existence that frame from LORDS with the orange fur beast or everything that ADAM GREEN and ELI ROTH ever laid a hand on, I would take zero seconds to shamefully respond “Give me the orange fur beast.”

Not that I have anything against those other guys, it’s just that for my needs they’re comparatively disposable and more likely to indulge audiences rather than shepherd them anywhere new. If I ever missed HATCHET, I suppose I’d just watch MADMAN whereas I don’t think there’s anything I could trade ZOMBIE’s imagery for regardless of how much it might be inspired by existing material. He’s just a brilliant visualist, end of story and sorry, that means something to me.

“But Unkle Lancifer!” you might be saying while taking off your spectacles and cleaning them with an embroidered handkerchief, “I don’t care for his writing! His dialogue is trite and like many horror aficionados, I’m an absolute stickler for dialogue!” Here’s the thing, I think his writing is fine and moreover, hold onto your tea cup Oscar Wilde, when it comes to the expression of horror, I don’t think the written word is paramount. “Clay face man walks goat in graveyard” is not much on paper but trust me, visualized it’s a whole different crap-your-pants kettle of fish.

I promise you, I didn’t salute every flag ZOMBIE hoisted. Remember when I was talking about the EVIL DEAD remake and I was saying that it was well built but failed to conjure up a believable presence of malevolent mojo? LORDS is the flip side, its malevolent mojo is indisputable but its structure could stand a few more laps around the gym. I’m not buying the SHINING-style days of the week title cards as framework. As in my actual life, I don’t care what day of the week it is and it’s really no less corny than showing a clock spinning. If you are dubious about SHERI MOON ZOMBIE playing the lead, I’m not going to totally disagree. I think she’s wonderful, a one of a kind character actress, she made an indelible mark in DEVIL’S and she broke my heart in HALLOWEEN. Still, I feel like this movie needed somebody that you didn’t intuitively predict was scrappy enough to wiggle out of whatever. It’s noble to put forth a different type of protagonist but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think some of the film’s erosion themes aren’t blunted by that choice. Do you know who would have been perfect? FAIRUZA BALK! Think about it. Before you agree just know that my answer for every casting quandary is FAIRUZA BALK and I may be subconsciously judging SHERI MOON on her hair.

Here’s the thing though, the most important thing, after the movie was done I went to the restroom in the theater and something about the place felt wrong. The overhead fan was acting up, singing a crazy womp-womp LYNCH-ian dirge and the lights were blinking an indecipherable code. Half my head was still in the movie and that’s my idea of success. True, I missed the emotional punch of H2 (if you didn’t feel anything during Annie’s death scene, congratulations you’re a sociopath) and I admit that I prefer my ZOMBIE a little more stompy. And yet LORDS certainly constructed a hazy, mad malaise that wasn’t so easily wiped off my windshield. Those who get frothy at the mouth minimalizing ZOMBIE’s vision can sleep well, LORDS‘ adamant ambiguity gives you plenty of space to dig in your talons. All I know is that my trusty specter detector was reading some true, undiluted horror on the screen. And when I say “horror,” I don’t mean the pandering power fantasy kind, the giggly, popcorn sleepover kind or the logo strewn, fan bought collectible kind used to spackle over identity chasms and make one feel all safe and special. I mean the unpleasant, corruptive, soul-siphoning kind that has no interest in patting you on the back. No, LORDS doesn’t deliver the rousing cathartic thrills horror fans are looking for instead it offers something most horror fans have little taste for at all, actual horror.

I remember my sister renting a movie when I was about 9 years old (1992) and it was about a young woman (20-ish) who has nightmares about her dead father being under her bed. At one point she is telling her boyfriend about it, and I think she says “I told him to go to hell, and he did.” They look under the bed and a snarling head appears, with glowing red eyes. Do you have any idea what that might have been?

Thanks!

Warren C.

UNK SEZ: If I’m right about this one it’s a very strange, weird, uncanny occurrence. As you might be able to tell, I watch a lot of movies and I have been doing so for decades. I even worked in a video store for 20 years, all the while picking up & watching every stray VHS horror title I could get my grubby hands on. I tell you that because I thought it slightly odd that I had never come across GRAVE SECRETS aka SILENT SECRETS (1989) until the other night when I noticed it was expiring from Netflix Streaming. GRAVE SECRETS closes with a couple in bed and the then the woman looks under the bed to see her glowing eyed father growling back at her!!! I don’t remember her making the “hell” comment but that certainly fits within the story! If GRAVE is the correct movie, how bonkers is it that I watched it the night before you sent in your Name That Trauma??? Kinder-synchronicity!!! On the hand, I might be totally wrong.

Back in the shrouded past, before the formulas of TV were set, HBO had Short Cuts. It was a short film series acting as interstitial material between the movies. Amongst the shorts was one of the earliest sources of my nighmare fuel…Flesh Eating Film Reels!

Christ on a cracker! I was looking at my Netflix Streaming queue for something to spotlight today and I was shocked to see that tons of my favorite flicks are slotted to expire on May first! I have no idea why but apparently a grand scale purging of epic proportions is about to take place! It’s very upsetting when I consider all the movies that are not available on other formats! Oh the humanity! Kids, you have to jump on these movies while you can! You never know when Netflix is going to… (I’m making a slashing across my throat gesture with my finger and then rolling my eyes and sticking my tongue out to represent death.)

BLOOD AND LACE (1971)
I know I’m always gushing on this one but it’s one of my favorite finds and it is greatly responsible for my falling in love with the possibilities of Netflix Streaming! Full review HERE.

SUGAR HILL (1974)
Luckily this one is on DVD. I’m still going got to give it a shout out though for it also brings back fond memories of my early days of discovery with the betrayer known as Netflix. Full review HERE!

SCREAMTIME (1974)
Ack! Not available on DVD! This is a fun anthology of short films one of which concerns garden gnomes that come to life! It also features a video store from way back in the early days! Must see. Full review HERE!

I START COUNTING (1969)
I don’t think this one is on DVD either! Jenny Agutter is in this movie! If that name means nothing to you…get lost! Weirdo! Full review HERE!

10 TO MIDNIGHT (1983)
This one is pretty easy to get a hold of but I’ll just mention it anyway as a gentle reminder that if you haven’t watched it yet, you should. I know it looks like an action flick but its heart bleeds sticky, icky ‘80s slasher blood! More HERE!

BLOOD GAMES (1990)
Just watch this trailer and realize this is your new favorite movie…

Plus I noticed these babies are splitting too… AMOK TRAIN, OPEN HOUSE, HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS, COMMITTED, DERANGED, VAMPIRE CIRCUS, BLOOD CREEK, THE FALLING (aka ALIEN PREDATOR), SQUIRM, THE EVICTORS, RAW MEAT, WITCHFINDER GENERAL, THE BEAST WITHIN, INITIATION OF SARAH, BLACK CAT (‘89), QUEEN OF BLOOD, THE DUNGEONMASTER and even ROLLER BOOGIE and who knows what else! THE APLLE too!!!! Egad No!!!!! Not THE APPLE! This is a nightmare! CRY FOR ME!!!!!

The only thing I remember about this movie is a scene where a woman is driving down a road in a hearse when all of a sudden, a zombie shows up on a motorcycle! During the chase, the zombie’s skin starts to fly off until he practically becomes a skeleton (wearing a dress shirt and tie). After a little while, the woman finally runs the zombie off of the road. Please help me!

Tony H.

Approximately a trillion years ago, I came across a picture in a magazine (either Fangoria or Famous Monsters) of a weird priest with gross bubbly skin. It was for an upcoming horror film called THE COMING, which to my knowledge, ironically, never came out. The image made a strong impression on me, either due to my psychotic fear of acne or, simply because anything related to religion can’t help being creepy. That dusty memory sat in a shoebox at the very back of my mothball-riddled brain until the other day when I finally came across THE COMING on YouTube, hiding under the alias of BURNED AT THE STAKE! (sticklers who point out that nobody was ever burned at the stake in Salem as the film suggests should be burned at the stake themselves for bumming me out.) Lo and behold, it’s directed by the nice man (BERT I. GORDON) who gifted the world with ant-o-vision in EMPIRE OF THE ANTS and brought to life H.G. WELLs spectacular vision of a world gone mad thanks to giant chickens in FOOD OF THE GODS! This was too good to be true and so I pinched myself and, by pinched myself, I mean did a jig.

What a pleasant surprise this movie is! Maybe it’s not good in that useless, “It’s made well” sense but it’s certainly good in the more important, “I cannot wait to see what happens next” sense! How has this movie remained so far under the carpet for so long? I see that it involves a time traveling pilgrim so I’m going to blame him. It’s very difficult to pull off a time traveling pilgrim. BURNED AT THE STAKE stars the incomparable SUSAN SWIFT of AUDREY ROSE fame, who apparently was working on being type cast as a reincarnate. She plays a nice girl named Loreen, who was not such a nice girl a couple hundred years ago when she was known as Ann Putman and her hobbies included screaming her head off and randomly accusing people of being witches. Loreen is having flashbacks of her previous horrible self and to make matters worse, she’s being stalked by an adorable/scary black dog, the pizza-faced priest and the aforementioned time traveling pilgrim who is rightfully amazed by airplanes. Luckily there is a helpful witch on hand to explain the fuzzier parts of the plot when she’s not too busy having telepathic conversations with the dog. There’s a sweet redemption bit near the end that reminded me of THE SEVENTH SIGN (1988) and more than a few absolutely horrifying wax historical reenactment figures one of whom may or may not spring to life. Also, I dig this witch mobile…

OK, this movie is patently ridiculous but it’s way better than I ever dared hope. Plus, it’s all autumnal and takes place in beautiful Salem, Massachusetts! Fortuitously, I found it mere hours after having seen ROB ZOMBIE’S LORDS OF SALEM (review pending) and I decree that the two movies make an excellent wonder twin double feature! I think they might have even used the same graveyard! It’s probable! Kooky though it may be, BURNED has a semi-cruel dark streak as only a film that concerns itself with a five-year-old being burned alive can. SUSAN SWIFT‘s performance is seriously solid, regardless of the heaps of hokum thrown at her and frankly, I’d take this cockeyed lunacy over drippy AUDREY ROSE any day of the week! Somebody who cares about humankind should put this unfairly forgotten flick out on DVD and they should do it quickly! They should also put a blurb by me on the back that says, “ So bewitching, you won’t even care that it doesn’t involve giant chickens!”