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Island of Terror Funhouse

August 7th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 11 Comments

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Name That Trauma:: Rebecca T. on a Frightening Fire Safety Flick

August 4th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 1 Comment

I was traumatized as a kid by a film we were shown in 3rd grade. It was a family of 4 who you followed around for the day getting to know them. After work, dad drops a bit of ash behind the couch and it eventually starts a fire. The boy dies immediately as he is on the top bunk and inhales smoke. The girl fails to stay low as she leaves the room and dies. The parents both somehow die trying to go after the kids. Only the dog survives. I was on the top bunk. I would’t sleep there again after that film. Dad had to call the school. Do you know where to find this if anyone knows what it is? Hoping to rewatch it in order to give it less fear power.

Thanks,

Rebecca T

UNK SEZ: Thanks Rebecca! We’ve got you covered as we’ve been getting submissions on this notorious trauma inducer for YEARS and YEARS! Our beloved SENSKI was able to finally identify its title as “Another Man’s Family” and reader SIMMINY eventually found it on YouTube HERE. Sadly a better quality version has yet to appear but we’ll be keeping our eyes open and sound the alarm if it does. One thing’s for sure, you’re not bunking alone!

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Sunday Streaming:: Wake in Fright (1971)

August 2nd, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 1 Comment

A long whiles ago I was planning on spotlighting WAKE IN FRIGHT while it was hanging out on Netflix Streaming but before I had a chance, it got evicted and up and disappeared! There’s no need to fret though cuz it’s done showed up on HULU! Yay! Making matters even more convenient, a quick search of my trashy desktop uncovered half of the post I never finished from zoinks, way back in January! I’ll just paste it here for ya’ll….

From TED KOTCHEF, the director of FIRST BLOOD, WAKE IN FRIGHT is a highly unnerving outback odyssey into inebriated oblivion. It’s a difficult movie to shake and I’d put it right up there with STRAW DOGS and DELIVERANCE, two films that share its fascination with the fallout of testosterone run amuck. Wow, just think of how peaceful the world would be if men decided to stop trying to impress other men. It would be like mellow rainbow unicorn town all over the place.

Unfortunately for me, this great film has a searing drawback in that it features the most atrocious animal deaths imaginable during a kangaroo hunt scene. It can’t be unseen and I can attest that putting your hand over the computer screen only helps a little. Some small solace may be derived from knowing that the director utilized footage from an actual hunt that was going to happen anyway in order to expose the cruelty involved. Still, I can’t help thinking it’s bad mojo. Now real death has floated out of my computer and pushed through my eyes and is currently swinging in a hammock in my head humming “The Old Gray Mare” in the creepiest tone possible. Maybe fast-forwarding is the solution. It’s not like you can pass up the only film that directly confronts the perils of waking up naked next to DONALD PLEASENCE.

…and that’s all I wrote. Hmmm, funny this film came galloping back to my awareness after this grueling week of dealing with the repugnant murder of Cecil the Lion. I know, some people will ask as they have before, “How can you get upset about an animal’s death when you watch so many movies in which so many people die?” It’s really very simple. I like animals waaaaaay more than people. I never told you that? It’s true. Animals are cute and loyal whereas humans are soulless tubs of rank manure on stilts who’ll stab you in the back the first chance they get and would drive over their own Grandmothers if it meant a few extra bucks in their pocket. Present company excluded of course! I need to remember that our readership is mostly human even though we do score highly with doggies aged 2-4 (that would be 14- 24 in people years). Anyway, watch the trailer and excellent movie below, neuter your pets and maybe take it easy on the beer when vacationing in Australia.

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Forbidden World Funhouse

July 31st, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 3 Comments

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It’s a Horror to Know You: Drew Bludd

July 29th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 5 Comments

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

I can’t quite remember the first film that ever scared me properly, so maybe this is a Name That Trauma too. I was 3 or 4 years old (I guess this age because my family moved into a new home in 1989 when I was about to turn 5 and this was two houses before that). I remember hiding under my mother’s bamboo coffee table (which she still has in her living room today) with some glow in the dark legos. In this film I remember something with a single walking corpse roaming around an apartment building hallway. I got so scared I actually spilled Ecto-Cooler in my own eyes. As far as fully formed memories with movie titles, I can remember seriously avoiding the VHS box art for THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW and EVIL DEAD 2 (I swear that skull’s eyes follow you around the room) as a kid in video rental stores. And my mother, in her infinite wisdom, took me to see PET SEMETARY in theatres. I must have been 4 or 5 years old! Zelda was….. very scary. But I didn’t cry until I got home.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

I hate to say it because I don’t really care for the film but the first half of INSIDIOUS was very interesting, jarring at times. However, once the “astral projection dream walking” was introduced to the picture the tone changed entirely and it became a hokey, disappointing mess. But early in the film when the mumbling over the baby’s monitor suddenly let out the throaty screaming “I WANT HIM!”, I dropped my drink all over the floor. I recently watched the 1980 Isabelle Adjani film POSSESSION for the first time and I can not stop thinking about it, trying to dissect it. It is very unsettling to say the least and has stayed with me for months.

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

MANIAC COP 2: Officer Matt Cordell definitely isn’t a top tier boogeyman the likes of Freddy, Jason or Michael Myers but this sequel was the best in a trilogy of slasher movies from the late 80s/early 90s. In this one, Supercop Cordell has returned from the dead (for a second time) to seek vengeance on the crooked police force who sent him to his grave. He’s an undead killer but he’s totally justified (unlike Freddy child killer or Michael Myers brooding psychopath). Robert Z’Dar, Bruce Campbell, Robert Davi, Claudia Christensen – what a line-up! I had a chance to meet Robert Z’Dar before his passing and he was optimistic about a MANIAC COP 4 and even a remake! (RIP Z-Man)

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 4: THE NEXT GENERATION. There is nothing that any of you can say to sway me the other way. This film is A-MA-ZING fun. Stop taking yourselves and B-movies so seriously for a second and accept that someone made a Leatherface movie that wasn’t a gory slasher picture. That it IS funny. VERY funny. The all-time great lines that Matthew McConaughey‘s Vilmer character gave to us. Beautiful pieces of dialogue that everyday folks like you and me can use daily. Things like, “First I’m gonna kill ya… AIN’T NO FUCKIN’ BIGGIE.” “I got a mind…. TO SLIT YOUR GOD DAMN THROAT!” and “WE GOT LOTS MORE FUN TO HAVE TODA-AYYYYYY!” This movie is hot nonsense. Wonderful stupidity. The wall full of keys? Remote control body parts? And the Illuminati, now? Renee Zellwegger tells Leatherface to “sit the fuck down” even! I love it.

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Though maybe not a horror film per se, it still falls into some kind of supernatural thriller category. Using monsters/devils as a metaphor for child abusers, this film packs some punches in the upsetting scenes department. This film probably isn’t underrated by the Internet’s standards but among every day, real life people its hard to find a TP:FWWM fan. Also, I have some special edition Cinescape magazine that was a horror encyclopedia and somewhere under movie devils/Satans it said that TP:FWWM is the most potent horror film of the 1990s. Not bad praise.

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

Well, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 4: THE NEXT GENERATION, I guess.

POPCORN. “Buy a bag! Go home in a box….” This movie could have been so great but it just fell short. I basically watch it and think about where I would have taken the plot if I had been in charge.

RAWHEAD REX. Okay, so the monster’s rubber suit was odd, his face was frozen and he couldn’t close his mouth. And no one in the town questioned why there was a stained glass window in the church of a monster demon getting buried under a statue. And the monster’s name is Rawhead Rex (a Clive Barker dick joke?). But the monster baptizes a priest in urine! So, you take the good with the bad.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

retroCRUSH – Former X-Entertainment contributor Robert Berry‘s now largely un-updated site is a lost treasure trove of old pop culture lists and articles such as The Top 100 Coolest Monsters and The Top 100 Scariest Movie Scenes.

OSW Review – Three Irish lads (grown men! husbands! doctors!) provide humorous audio commentary to old 1980s/1990s pro wrestling pay-per-view specials with in-dept facts and figures such as performers salaries, then backstage gossip, event attendance/buyrates, and “whatever happened to?” updates. Very funny stuff if you watched this stuff at all as a kid.

Intoxica Radio with Howie Pyro – Longtime punk outsider musician Howie Pyro‘s podcast featuring some of the best garage, exotica, rockabilly, surf and other strange records from his vast collection. It’s bad music for bad people (RIP Lux. Come play with us, Ivy)

The Cryptkeeper Five – Trenton, New Jersey’s greaser gang may very well be the best “living” band in the world today. Are they rockabilly? Punk? Swing? Well, yes and no. So, what do they sound like? Like Glenn Danzig & The E-Street Band. Or The Sonics Horton Heat.

Disney’s 20,000 League Under The Sea Ride – An extensive, masterful tribute to the now defunct 20K ride from Walt Disney World. Wow!

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Sunday Streaming:: Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990)

July 26th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 1 Comment

Let’s talk about the best dollar bill I ever spent. Recently I snagged 1990’s METAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR (not to be confused with the other movie called METAMORPHOSIS released the same year without the ALIEN FACTOR part) at my usual used VHS haunt simply because it was horror/sci-fi and I thought it would be swell to fall asleep to. I recognized the bland box art from my video store days and to say my expectations were low would be to wrongly suggest that I had any expectations to speak of. Anyway, I ended up being rather blown away by it. In fact, I was left with the desire to strangle any and every person who had seen this hidden treasure and had failed to recommended it to me.

I don’t get how this movie isn’t a horror household name/fan staple by now. The plentiful special effects are so fantastic and creative and all around glorious that I wanted to rewind them again and again. Honestly they left me feeling rather sad and nostalgic, not for a time period left behind but for a way of seeing things that we’ve lost the ability to. I’m guessing modern audiences would mostly see the multiple creature beasties in this flick as phony rubber puppets, whereas once upon a time they might have used their imagination to blur the lines and make them real. Dang, this blast from the past is even kind enough to serve up heaping ladles of stop-motion animation (!!!) and that’s like chicken soup for this horror fan’s soul! Why, I think it has even reversed my balding!

How have I lived this long without the knowledge that METAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR began life as a sequel to one of the greatest monster fests know to man, THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983)? How? The two films may no longer have any connective tissue plot wise but they certainly remain kindred spirits on a DNA level. And even beyond the ambrosial special effects, this here is a rollicking good time stuffed with some hilarious lines and what the local actors lack in talent they more than make up for with adorably awkward charisma.

You know what? I’m just going to blame the misleading nondescript artwork on the tape for all of this movie’s woes. Some dingbat in marketing made the bad call of selling this squishy creature feature like some somber dirge and the history of sci-fi horror has suffered the consequences. I wag my finger at that person as they burn forever in hell.

This is Sunday Streaming so I’m leaving you with the flick on YouTube below in hopes that you develop a taste for it. The smudgy picture doesn’t do it any favors but hopefully it will be enough to push you toward Amazon to grab a copy on DVD (It can be yours for less than 10 clams!). Normally I’d temper a gush with a, “It may not be for everybody” but if you frequent this site and you’ve read this far then trust me, this is for you! Would a face like the one below lie?

OR BETTER YET: Here are some choice scenes in higher quality:

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Galaxy of Terror Funhouse

July 24th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 2 Comments

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Sunday Streaming:: The Last Slumber Party (1988)

July 19th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 2 Comments

Today was made for watching something terrible and movies don’t get much more terrible than 1988’s heavy metal dipped, killer-in-scrubs slash-a-thon THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY. It’s easy to confuse this title with any number of SLUMBER PARTY and/or SORRORITY HOUSE flicks but trust me, this one is in a class all by itself and it should stay in a class all by itself until it is properly vaccinated.

What can I say? Atrocious movies are an important part of my horror diet! I’ve got news for anyone who thinks that crappy horror movies are a modern scourge: the truth is the ratio of good to bad has always been wildly uneven. But hey, if you are too thin skinned to withstand mind-numbing artlessness and soul stomping banality you have no business scouring the halls of horror with the serious adventurers. Personally I learned early on renting from video stores that for every MANIAC there were a dozen SCHIZOIDs and for each well built HOUSE there were blocks of BLOOD SHACKs. It’s O.K. though because the bad movies make the good movies shine all the brighter. To fully appreciate PROM NIGHT you just have to endure GRADUATION DAY and taking a long walk across a parching BLOOD BEACH only makes the menthol coolness of THE FOG that much more of a relief.

Anyway, back to the garbage heap that is THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY… I advise all who attempt a watch it to first place a nice comfy pillow on the ground so that your jaw has a comfortable space to land when it inevitably drops. Now, I’ve always hated the cliché of complaining that characters in a horror movie are so unlikable that you can’t wait for them to die (because really you shouldn’t have to like a person to not want them to die) but in this case, the sentiment is on the nose apropos. As if TLSP didn’t have enough going against it with every possible factor of it being substandard, every person, including the final girl we’re meant to route for, behaves like a perpetually obnoxious cretin. At the risk of being labeled too PC, I’m going to admit that I can imagine a couple thousand things more endearing than the male lead calling his girlfriend a stupid bitch every chance he gets and she countering with every derogatory homophobic slur under the sun. Seriously, the dialogue is so gay-bashy, it could have very well been written by my sociopathic older brother when he was 14, a severely brain damaged bigot or an uncredited ELI ROTH.

Not that tellingly repetitive slang is anywhere near being TLSP’s greatest offense by a long shot. It’s actually way more insulting towards the art of film, the discipline of screenwriting, the medical profession, the orange juice industry, XANADU fans, TOM SELLECK‘s mustache, the entire state of Louisiana and whoever invented the ladder. It’s so bad I’m trying to figure out a way to trick Aunt John into watching it for more than ten minutes even though I know he’ll tap out at five. It’s so bad that I’m passing it on to you like a hot potato covered in cooties. Listen, I wouldn’t even post about this if it was your standard static wall of boring ineptitude, the truth is this flick is pretty remarkable in its ability to consistently deliver things to shake your head at and be appalled by throughout its entire runtime. So enjoy! Or maybe just endure.

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Slash Attack Funhouse

July 17th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 5 Comments

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Name That Trauma:: Kevin’s Girlfriend on an Outdoor Hammer Murder

July 15th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 6 Comments

Hello, this is Kevin from HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com; my girlfriend is trying to track down the title of a movie she saw when she was a young teen. Below is her memory of it, do you think your team of experts might be able to figure out what this one is? Thanks!!!

Okay, so the one memory I have from a movie I cannot identify is something I saw on VHS when I was about nine years old. I probably only saw ten minutes before my mom flipped out and we went to bed. It was a man being beaten to death with a hammer. The killer was a fully visible older male (not a faceless stone cold killer). He was verbally mocking his victim while he was trying to run away. The setting was outside. I think in the scene they show them exiting a house into a back yard (?). The kill happens outdoors in daylight. I remember it being ultra violent compared to anything else I had seen at the time. It is very possible they showed the hammer to head impact. It was super low budget and grainy. Could be 80’s but it didn’t look like typical 80’s slasher style, more exploitation gore. It was a memory that stuck with me because it was one of the first times after I started watching horror that I actually closed my eyes and had not wanted to watch. Also the fact that my mom was so upset by it.

Hmm… since I was nine years old and only watched ten minutes it isn’t a very clear memory, many details could be inaccurate. If I get at least one significant detail correct someone might be able to figure out the movie based on that… if they take into consideration that my memory might be off or blended with a memory of another movie I had seen. I felt like there was some obvious exploitation element to it… like the killer was a preacher or the guy he killed was mentally challenged or something super disturbing.

A few years ago I had come across the film on youtube in a gore compilation video. Somehow I managed to lose the title of it. I remember it having a striking title that I would probably recognize if I came across it again (perhaps multiple word title). Also in my research of the film I found that it had a small fan base and at the time they were excited that there was word about it getting a DVD release; I’m uncertain if this ever happened. It also seemed that rest of the film was a pretty extreme gorefest so the film may be know for it’s low budget practical efx. I since spent hours on youtube trying to locate clips and doing google searches and I have not yet been able to identify. Most likely this film is underground and very obscure. Hope someone can help. I’d be very impressed and curious to see how much of my description is accurate.

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