Year: 2008

Humpty Dumpty we all know to have been a riddle, with the answer of course being that the mysterious Humpty was in fact, an egg. Nothing particularly eerie about that, right?  Well, as soon as someone decided to take the guesswork out of the rhyme, by illustrating Mr. Dumpty perched atop his wall, and gave him a face, it all changed. To a child (at least to me), we now had the story of a life; a terrifyingly fragile one at that. The rhyme was no longer a riddle; instead it could be surmised as:

"The fragile Eggman unwisely sat top a wall. He fell and died horribly."

I remember being read this out of an Old-school Mother Goose book as a very young child and thinking what a nightmare it was to be Humpty Dumpty, as veritably anything (I had broken many an egg trying to help my Mom cook, promising to be careful) would lead this poor creature to a yolk-splattered death. Humpty couldn't go out and play, he couldn't slide down the stairs…everything I knew to be fun was off-limits to Humpty, with any false move leading to his doom. His only real option would be to stay at home in the nest or egg carton and not move.

Of course I knew Eggmen didn't exist. It was the concept of this absurd fragility that had me so scared.

The picture out of that book sealed the deal, for it depicted the wide-eyed, last-second look of terror as Humpty, seeing the end of his cursed existence a few seconds away, was beginning to fall. I would imagine what the after-effect drawing would look like; that panicked, open-mouth look, and huge open eyes frozen amidst cracked shell and leaking albumen. I could even hear him scream.

I scribbled over his face with a pen, in an attempt to hide the first "Face of Death," I had ever witnessed, but to no avail. I still knew it was there. I remember later watching SESAME STREET where a very freakish looking Humpty, with a mouth that caved in as he spoke, was being interviewed by Kermit the Frog as a nursery-rhyme news correspondent, and feeling the sense of dread that it was only a short matter of time until he was destined to fall from the wall, and no one would be able to help. Such was the fate of the doomed Eggmen.

The Eggmen repulsed me, as if they were the Elephant-men of the nursery rhyme circuit. It was not as if I wanted to save them; rather, I never wanted them to exist.

Earlier: Reader Bigwig not so fondly recalls Struwwelpeter.

Now, at this time of writing, I am 15 years old. I regularly watch violent anime. Recently I was watching WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, and poking fun at it throughout. I often watch documentaries about ghosts, and read about them. Halloween is my favorite holiday, partly because of all the scary things. I've written about sociopathic serial killers before. I love the horror genre, and often know who's going to die first in said movies. And yet, this one, common, everyday object scares me.

A closed door.

No really.

Stop laughing.

There's a reason, and I'm about to share, as I drown my sorrows in Sunkist.

When I was very little, possibly around 5 or 6, my dad was a huge science fiction junkie. Very often, the SciFi Channel was on, and I remember him having alien-related objects around the house. What scared me was this scene, possibly a commercial, but I'm not sure.

What happened was that a door was shown. After a few seconds, a cracking sound was heard, as a decaying hand broke through said door. Suddenly, this zombie/skeleton/ghoul thing, with white shaggy hair, sticks its head through the crack. I don't remember the rest, but I think I remember it saying something along the lines of "Hey. Want to watch a new show?" Or something. I don't remember exactly.

As a result, even at my age, I have issues with closed doors. Whenever I'm in a room alone with one, and it's the only exit, I think of what is behind that door, and get anxious, particularly worried that there is something behind said door. In fact, I keep the door open a crack usually, so I can see any ghouls that will try to bust open my door, in the name of their show. Thank you so much, SciFi, for giving me a fear of doors!

UNK SEZ: First of all Kami, I would like to congratulate you on your honesty and bravery. I can assure you that you are in capable hands, as I have decades of afternoon talk show watching under my belt. I have also read every self-help book on the market from "Why is Everyone Looking at Me Funny?" to "Holy Moly, Your Shadow is Chasing You." In fact, I know exactly what your problem is. The technical term that learned folks like myself like to use is "a-door-aphobia." The good news is, you've already made the first step toward recovery by admitting to a group of strangers that you've got bats in your belfry. Now the healing can begin…

My father, Dr. Satanstein, taught me long ago that the best way to get over my fear of water was to be thrown in the deep end of our pool with my feet chained to a radiator. (Sounds harsh, but guess who just bought a new snorkel!) It's called tough love Kami; it ain't easy but it works. Above and below I present you with a scary collection of doors to stare at until you are no longer scared of them. I also suggest that you play ring and run on at least two of your neighbors before going to bed. Good luck Kami, I have every faith in your recovery.

As for everyone else, can you identify the movies these doors are from? Some are easy and some will make you want to grab torches and storm Kindertrauma Castle. (Remember #1 is above the post!) Leave your guesses in the comments section. I'll post the answers on Monday! (And yes EVIL ON TWO LEGS, I know you just did something like this but you've heard that old chestnut about rip-offs being the sincerest form of flattery right? Besides this is my revenge, now I'm in control! Mwahahahaha!)