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Entries from May 2012

The Slasher Movie Book Funhouse!

May 25th, 2012 · 1 Comment

UNK SEZ: Look at this wonderful book that can be yours! Comments are closed so you are on your own! Identify as many of the slasher images below as you can and send your answers to Kindertrauma@gmail.com! The two people who get the most correct before noon win a book! Sorry, you must live in the U.S. to win, not because I’m cheap but because I’m poor! Good luck!

THE SLASHER MOVIE BOOK is an outstanding tome about the very best movies ever made! It is richly illustrated with the prettiest pictures your eyes will ever see and it’s written by somebody truly smitten with the genre J.A. KERSWELL of HYSTERIA LIVES! If you have money you can also purchase this slash-tastic must-own stab-opedia HERE! Recommended times five!

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Tags: Kindertrauma Funhouse

It’s a Horror to Know You Tara of Blog ‘Scuse Me?

May 24th, 2012 · 7 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Tara of Blog ‘Scuse Me?

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

The Dark Crystal – still one of my favorites. The first time I watched (at about four years old) I was paralyzed. I think this was the first time in my life that I was too terrified and fascinated to do anything but stare blankly.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

Hellraiser. I went in thinking it would be nothing more than fun 80s goth camp and ended up unnerved. Skinless Frank scuttling across the attic floor, the quick peek through the door of the hooks tearing him apart…this is one of those movies that reminded me of old nightmares.

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

1. Santa Sangre – An excellent joining of butchery, melancholy, and psychological horror. Sometimes almost unbearably depressing.

2. Pumpkinhead – I remember reading a scathing critic’s review of this movie and being pretty stunned when I later watched it. It’s a gorgeous, suspenseful Southern tragedy. The makeup and puppet effects are insane.

3. Abominable – Simple concept: A bunch of townsfolk and vacationers encounter a bloodthirsty sasquatch in the woods. It’s surprisingly funny and engaging – and, even though it was made in 2005, there are legit gore and makeup effects instead of that maddening CGI. Cool actors (Jeffrey Combs, Dee Wallace, Lance Henriksen, Paul Gleason) pop up in glorified cameos.

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

1. Meet the Feebles – From reviews I’d read, I thought there was a good chance I’d claw my eyes out if I tried to sit through this movie. I ended up caring deeply about the fate of a heroin-addicted crusty frog puppet. Peter Jackson is good at bringing class to the grottiest situations.

2. Beyond Dream’s Door – I expected complete idiocy but thought this movie was almost hypnotic. I found the demonic blood-dinosaur hand puppet menacing. And the ending is fantastic – I could listen to that creepy recitation of poetry over the dial tone for hours.

3. Bride of Chucky – I don’t know why I don’t see this “comic re-imagining” of Chucky as lame and disruptive. It’s the perfect movie to stare at on a Saturday night. Chucky and Tiffany are a party and a half.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet! (Include the URLs!)

1. STFU, Parents Some of the best horror is of the unintentional, social networking variety…check out some deeply disturbing uploads and quotes from lunatic parents.

2. Regretsy – April Winchell keeps us informed about the ever-growing world of DIY disasters – hysterical.

That’s all I’ve got in the way of new recommendations (I saw Death to CGI and Badmovies.org on other questionnaires – love those.)

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It’s a Horror to Know You:: Brittney-Jade Colangelo of Day of the Woman!

May 23rd, 2012 · 10 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Brittney-Jade Colangelo (BJ-C) of Day of the Woman!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

I will never forget creeping behind the couch when I was a toddler as my mother, fast asleep on the couch, was watching Night Of The Living Dead. I watched as creatures terrorized unsuspecting citizens, and then I saw the cover of the VHS. The screaming faces, the sunken eyes, and the naked ass all sent shockwaves of pure unadulterated horror through my spine. I couldn’t look at the case until I was 14 without having a Pavlovian response to it. Embarrassing, but true.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

I wouldn’t necessarily call it “scared” me, but the film Lake Mungo creeped over me for hours after I had put the DVD away. I’m a huge fan of slow burn films, but I cannot recall a time where I was ever that unsettled. It’s almost impossible to explain, but that film really struck a nerve.

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Splinter: The storyline is a little weak and the characters aren’t exactly likable, but the special effects and gore factor are out of this world. There’s one scene in particular (you’ll know it when you see it) that I must have rewound a good 20 times because it made me physically cringe.

Opera: We all know and love the “pins under the eyes” scene, but I don’t think many people have actually seen Opera in its entirety. It was made when Argento was cranking out some real snoozefests but this is one of my favorite of his films cinematically and it’s out shined so drastically by Suspiria that many forget about it entirely.

Dead Ringers: Easily Cronenberg’s most highly overlooked masterpiece. Maybe it’s because it’s so femme-centric, and maybe it’s because I’m the proud owner of a vagina, but this film scares me to the point where I want to shove a fork into my arm and twist my veins out like spaghetti noodles.

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

The Happening: If you don’t take it seriously and you think all of the actors are just trolling the film world, it’ll be the most genius thing you’ll ever watch. The untalented Breslin kid gets thug life on a door, Marky Mark talks to a plastic tree, and Zooey Deschanel doesn’t blink…HOW CAN YOU NOT?!

Maximum Overdrive: A soundtrack entirely of AC/DC, a killer vending machine, Lisa Simpson screaming, Emilio Estevez trying to imitate a southern accent, and killer trucks. I can’t help it. I can’t. This movie is far too much fun not to be enjoyed for how horrendous it was made.

The Entire Final Destination Series: I’m a sucker for creative kills of acting school drop outs, over the top gore, and wretched dialogue…sue me.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

Fascination with Fear: Christine Hadden writes some of the most thought-provoking and hilarious posts and has a knowledge of genre references that even Seth MacFarlane would be proud of. h

Planet of Terror: Cortez the Killer is one of the most intelligent nerds I’ve ever met and he has a knack for knowing how to entertain a reader.

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby: With a title like that, I don’t have to explain.

Rita’s Work Out Video: This youtube video is absolutely everything I find hilarious rolled into 3:23 seconds and everyone should watch it.

Awkward Creations: Zach Shildwachter is the best special fx artist that never studied how to do it. He’s self taught, handsome, and one of the most passionate artists I’ve ever encountered.

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Tags: It's a Horror to Know You!

It’s a Horror to Know You:: Lynette Fromme!

May 22nd, 2012 · 5 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Lynette Fromme!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

Helter Skelter (1976) – It was on TV, anyone could watch it! This stuff really happens! The world is scary!

The commercial for It’s Alive (1974) gave me sleepless nights for months. It used to come on during the 6 o’clock news when I was setting the dinner table. I tried to avoid it, rarely successful.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

Blair Witch didn’t scare me when I saw it, but I went camping a few weeks later, and spent a sleepless night in the tent with a rainstorm pounding all around me. I mean, you are so vulnerable in a tent: you can’t see out, but that thin layer of nylon ain’t gonna keep anything from coming in!

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Surveillance (2007) – Julia Ormond and Michael Ironside in the same movie as Cheri Oteri and French Stewart? So good and twisty.

Pontypool (2008) – saw this just as I thought i had seen enough zombie movies. I was wrong. I rushed out and read the book, movie is better. Stephen McHattie is my new favorite voice.

Ravenous (1999) – I’ve seen it mentioned in a couple IAHTKYs, everyone should watch it. What a cast, and the soundtrack is unforgettable, though you may want to …

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

Funny Games (either version) – even Michael Haneke thinks I’m wrong to enjoy it, but I do.

The Fog (2005). Everyone else seemed to hate it, but I thought it wasn’t half bad.

Phantom of the Paradise (1974) – glam-rock opera by DePalma. Honestly, this belongs in the under-rated category.

5. Send us to four places on the Internet!

Review In Haiku – 17 syllable movie reviews.

Rathergood.com – from the twisted mind of Joel Veitch who gave us Quizno’s spongemonkeys!

Street Art Utopia

Itcamefromschenectady.com – sponsors cult films and oddities at our local historic movie palace.

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It’s a Horror to Know You:: Hail Ants!

May 22nd, 2012 · 3 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Hail ants!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

Big Bird explodes Mr Hooper’s ’10’ machine (1969) This is kinda weird, but I was only maybe four or five (and a ‘sensitive’ kid) so after I saw this for the first time and then knew what was going to happen I was terrified to ever watch it again! I would run & hide from the TV if this scene came on and wait until it was over. A combination of knowing that it was going to explode, and the fear of Mr Hooper being upset that Big Bird broke it (watching it today the most disturbing thing is seeing season one’s gangly, hick-sounding Big Bird!)

1. What is the last film that ever scared you?

Aliens 1986. To explain, I was 20 when I first saw this and prided myself on the fact that movies simply did not scare me. Ever. Not The Exorcist (thought parts of it were hilarious!), not Jaws, not even the first Alien (I had heard & read everything about it before finally seeing it on HBO). But I saw its sequel Aliens completely cold at its midnight premiere. And something about being somewhere dark & creepy and then imagining those things being out there, even today, it makes me want to just lie on the ground, curl up into the fetal position, cover myself with leaves, and wait for dawn hoping like hell they don’t see me!

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Return of the Living Dead (1985) Besides being one of the funniest comedies ever it, IMO for the first time since Romero’s original, truly captured the whole ‘being overwhelmed by zombies fear’ that everyone today takes for granted.

Apollo 18 (2011) How can you not appreciate the sheer brilliance of a ‘Blair Witch on the Moon‘ story?! Being stuck there with creepy, dangerous creatures (and a slowly turning evil crewmate) beats being stranded in a tent out in the woods by a factor of a million! Not a perfect film, but an exceptional example of the eternal greatness of the ‘less being more’ concept that horror films have all but abandoned in favor of sexy vampires or endless waves of CGI creatures.

Black Christmas aka Silent Night, Evil Night (1974) The original film to be based on the “The calls are coming from inside the house!” urban legend, and probably the best. At times cheesy but often brutal (yanking the house mother up with a huge meat hook!) the killer is never seen nor is any motive ever given. This adds to the film’s ‘pure’ evilness. And the ending with the callback to the early mentioning of the other phone line in the attic makes the urban legend tie-in actually work!

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

Monster in the Closet (1986) A silly but sometimes effective thriller with a silly but sometimes effectively scary looking monster! Also the film is often overlooked for it being one big ‘gay’ joke.

Rawhead Rex (1986) Another seemingly silly gore-fest meets supernatural film with, again, a somewhat cheesy yet terrifyingly scary looking creature. Something about those red eyes gets to me.

The Boogens (1981) Only because it was made during the endless phase of Halloween/Friday the 13th teen sex/slasher films, I enjoyed it turning out to be an ole fashioned monster movie instead! And even though they’re just puppets, in their context they were kinda scary looking.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

The Official Ninja Webpage. More funny than scary, but man is it funny!

Rare Movies Worldwide. Place to find lots of the films and TV shows mentioned on Kindertrauma on DVD.

The Prelinger Archives. A collection of old, public domain films including many that are unintentionally scary, funny, racist, or sometimes all three!!

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It’s a Horror to Know You:: Libby!

May 21st, 2012 · 6 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Libby!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

The Screaming Woman (1972) ( I was 5, yes, I’m that old ). Someone buried alive, 70’s pop culture decor, (the bad guy’s pad is outstanding) staring Olivia de Havilland, Joseph Cotton and Walter Pidgeon! Are you kidding me. Scarred me for life. I’m still so scared of being buried alive I’m going for the torch method. I was never censored from anything growing up, and my grandparents and uncle supported what my mother called her “little ghoul”! Can be viewed on YouTube right now.

What is the last film that scared you?

Actually, even with the humor,(any great movie has some and this has some clown worthy moments) The Host (2006). South Korean, incredible fx and haunting ending.

Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

Probably not under rated, just over – looked and\or forgotten:

Black Christmas (1974) The Killer’s voice on the crank calls alone still can keep me up all night. Combine that with the howling wind outside and festive yuletide-ish setting…..

The Changeling (1980) Still one of the best ghost stories ever.

Speaking of ghost stories … Ghost Story (1981).

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

(Yes please, I’ll have one of everything.)

Return of the Living Dead. Now a perennial classic, when I was watching this it was the equivalent of “straight to dvd” on HBO which was the only uncensored movie channel and all any of us watched.

Cat People (1982) Nastassja Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard…guilty pleasure as charged.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) Not enough O’s in O-CRAP to describe this.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

No place like Kinder Trauma!

The 70’s Horror Realm (22) RIP – YouTube

TVTERRORLAND – YouTube

findadeath.com Not fictional horror, not serial killers, just truth being stranger than fiction…as always.

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Traumafession:: Jose Cruz on Unsolved Mysteries

May 20th, 2012 · 7 Comments

When I was in the heart of my youth, I was fascinated by Unsolved Mysteries. Afternoons would never be complete without hearing that iconic theme play on the TV, soon followed by Robert Stack’s deep, grave voice informing us of the latest case that had come his way. The show served as a sort of gateway into the strange and bizarre that I loved so much, but the dark allure of Unsolved Mysteries was that all the stories were true. They had happened in real places and to real people. Was that even possible? Could such things as alien abductions and hauntings really happen to people?

Well, according to Robert Stack, yeah, they could.

Those segments concerning said abductions and hauntings traumatized me plenty. The idea of being snatched away from this world, suddenly and inexplicably, to be studied and examined by cold, calculating hands was very scary for a kid. And the ghost stuff? Fuggedaboutit. I did and still am immensely disturbed by the notion that people who die can have the power to come back for… whatever reason. There was one segment in particular that burned its way into my memory and still stirs a shiver out of me when I think about it.

It was “The Devil’s Backbone” story, and I will always see that dreadful apparition as I did that day from behind a shaking pillow. It was that damn cloaked monk-figure, standing outside a window, looking in at the occupant, at ME, with eyes of ice. And worst of all, there was this horrible scream, one that sounded like pure torture, the torture I would surely face if the ghost monk laid his dead hands on me. It was absolutely horrifying, and I’ve never forgotten it.

But it wasn’t the worst part.

The real bad stuff was saved for the homicide and disappearance segments. There was no story or case in particular that clung to my mind. What was so terrifying to me at the time (and still now) were the pictures they showed of the victims. Smiling, cheerful portraits of mothers, of children at baseball games, old men who had been peacefully living in their Florida homes until they (suddenly and inexplicably) disappeared. Or were murdered, their bodies found in river banks, in the desert, or in their beds. Those pictures held so much terror for me… knowing that these people had been taken out of existence was my first introduction into just what a strange and bizarre world this really was.

There was a story I read in a childrens’ book about scary legends that was about a nasty woman who, as a punishment by God, was swallowed up by the earth, never to be seen again. That’s why those pictures were so disturbing to me. They were of happy and loving people… swallowed up by the earth.

UNK SEZ: Thanks for this haunting traumafession Jose! Folks you can unearth more of Jose at his main hangout MEPHISTO’S CASTLE!

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Tags: Traumafessions

It’s a Horror to Know You:: Eric Eddy!

May 19th, 2012 · 10 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Eric Eddy of TEH INTERNETS!

A special introduction: I’m sorry. My list is way too long, but I’ve included a crapload of links and I believe that everything on here deserves a mention.

What is the first film that ever scared you?

Since I’ve been watching horror films since I was a toddler, that’s a difficult one to answer. I literally can’t remember the first film that scared me, as my brain was not completely developed into the super-genius that I am today. I will say that the first film that truly creeped me out (that I can remember) was CANDYMAN. Tony Todd is the fucking boss and you’d better respect him. He is the consummate professional in every project he’s involved in (whether it be HATCHET or STAR TREK). The trippy dream sequences of Virginia Madsen (who may or may not have been hypnotized during those scenes!), Clive Barker’s blessing and a GREAT SCORE only lend to the creepiness. It was also one of the first really cerebral horror films I had seen and got me thinking… a lot… about never going to the bathroom again.

What is the last film that scared you?

Another tough call. I’ve been known more to get choked up during movies before getting scared. I would say the the most recent film to have a really horrifying situation that made me cringe was TRAILOR PARK OF TERROR, for some reason. Seeing someone get jerkied (AND DEEP FRIED) by SERGEANT STANK, while his pervy, sweaty zombiness is explaining to his victim what he’s doing, while he’s doing it and why is pretty unsettling if it would happen to be any degree close to realistic.

Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

1. The PHANTASM series. Yes. You heard me. The whole shebang. It’s an awesome ride from beginning to end and anyone who is a fan of genre-bending, zombies, sci-fi, fantasy and/or supernatural horror is welcome to come aboard. DON COSCARELLI is a true master and I don’t think any of his films get the justice they deserve. The cast of these movies play off of each other in a way that you would swear that they really are family. If you haven’t seen these, do yourself a favor and see them as soon as possible.

2. NIGHTBREED just reeks of pure awesomeness from beginning to end. While it is considered horror, it is more of a violent fairy tale, speaking about the evils of prejudice and intolerance. It is one of the very few horror films (a la Basket Case 2 & 3) where the real villain is humanity and it’s unwillingness to accept anything that is different. Also, DAVID CRONENBERG is balls to the wall fucknut crazy in it and puts forth an exceptional(ly creepy) performance.

3. JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER has to be my third pick. This movie has gotten a lot of hate and a lot of love, but it really deserves more love. Here is a movie that isn’t afraid to throw us in a bass-ackwards time warp back to the 80s when horror movies were funny and had heart to boot. A great (and funny) leading man, a great (and funny) ROBERT ENGLUND and a whole heap of practical special effects that ooze charm make this film really stand out. I love it and you should too. God help you if I find out you don’t love it.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

1. NIGHT OF THE CREEPS is so underrated, they didn’t even get a DVD release until 2009. A lot of love and care went into the production of this film and the only reason it isn’t on my main list is simply because I thought about it at the last minute. This is one of my favorite films and perhaps one of the GREATEST FILMS OF ALL TIME.

2. ANYTHING with PEOPLE MELTING.

3. A lot of STEPHEN KING MOVIES, especially the NIGHT FLIER.

4. TROLL is another one of those films that just kind of slipped under the radar. It is more of a “dark fantasy” film, rather than a horror film. Produced by CHARLES BAND, it has nice, gooey effects, some cool puppets and a stellar cast (not to mention Julia Louis-Dreyfus prancing around a forest wearing nothing but strategically placed LEAVES). On a side note, HARRY POTTER (the idea and character) was ripped off from this film (despite dispute from J.K. Rowling (a single mother in England who had never written anything before in her life), who said the idea “just came to her”).

5. One of my favorite films from my childhood is THE GATE. This film has tons of heart and some truly great effects, including one of the best STOP MOTION MONSTERS to date in a film. I don’t have to say anything else, you should watch this movie (and the remake being helmed by none other than Mr. BILL S. PRESTON, ESQ., ALEX WINTER).

6. GROUNDHOG DAY (just kidding).

Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

1. I have no idea why I like HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE so much. I guess I consider the flashback sequences pretty interesting. They show the creation of the puzzle box among other things. I do wish they would have stuck more closely with the Hellraiser comic books, as they were approved by Clive Barker and much more twisted.

2. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is just plain, downright hilarious. Yet again, ROBERT ENGLUND brings his full-on comedy chops to this one. Even the porn stars are damn funny. The outbreak starts with a soldier named “BYRDFLOUGH.” I am not even kidding. It boggles the mind.

3. JASON X strikes my funny-bone for some strange reason. Starring a cast mostly consisting of Canadians known best for their work on Sci-Fi shows and films, it’s just an oddball in the Friday the 13th franchise. For one, it is CLEARLY not meant to be taken seriously. It has some pretty unoriginal KILLS and a lot of the humor is pretty FORCED, but I still enjoy the hell out of it. It actually has the highest kill count of any of the films because Jason takes out a fucking SPACE STATION. Maybe I just like how that huge monster KANE HODDER portrays Jason. He’s just so damn good with that body language. Another interesting tidbit is that it is the first film to be shot completely digitally in HD. Oddly enough, its cast also includes DAVID CRONENBERG and TONY TODD. Also, sadly, there isn’t enough footage on YouTube, save for the whole damn movie, to get you guys the links I wanted to.

Send us to five places on the Internet!

1. Perhaps the most important link, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS is a now defunct horror review site where only the worst of the worst are reviewed. It’s lewd, crude, rude and features hilariously un-PC reviews. We need to get this site back, perhaps even revive it with a new cast.

2. DESTRUCTOCON: A plug for my buddy’s web comic.

3. FREEKLAND: Alex Winter’s greatest project to date. This movie is so stupid it’s funny and so stupid it’s stupid.

4. BRAWL IN THE FAMILY : A web comic for the kid in all of us. It centers around the cast of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Definitely for gamers and Nintendo fans out there, but no one else, really.

5. BADMOVIES.ORG : One of the best review sites around. I have learned about more stinkers (and awesome B-movies) from this site than anywhere else.

It was REALLY hard for me to come up with this list. A lot of thought went into it because of the sheer amount of horror movies out there. Thanks for letting me share, Kinderpals!

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It’s a Horror to Know You:: Nancy Strickland Author of Landfill!

May 18th, 2012 · 4 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Nancy Strickland, author of the book Landfill!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

Scary movies rarely got to me – such are the perks of being a horror buff’s spawn. Sure, I sometimes buried my face in my hands when scenes turned gooey (Hostel; Haute Tension), but it wasn’t until I watched Paranormal Activity while home alone that I found myself properly terrified. The film put me in a regressive state: I was a spooked 5-year-old again, afraid of monsters in my wardrobe and ghouls under my bed. Not caring that I was going to wake her up, I called a friend and tearfully asked her if I could come over and spend the night at her place. Had she said no, I would have roamed the empty streets until daybreak. Nine, ten, never sleep again.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

It’s an oldie, but I didn’t catch it until recently: The Begotten, Elias Merhige’s 1990 unnerving cinematic experiment. Inspired by the book of Genesis, the film’s prologue features a bandaged deity that goes into convulsions and then disembowels itself. Begotten got under my skin and made itself comfortable there.

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

1. The Ruins. This adaptation of Scott B. Smith’s novel came and went without fanfare, but what a nasty little winner it is. The leads aren’t your run-of-the-mill stock characters that make one stupid mistake after another, but resourceful and likeable pre-grads. You won’t find a vampire lusting after their blood or a cannibal gnawing on their limbs here. No, these young adults are forced at gunpoint to climb atop a Mayan temple and stay put until they’re, well, pushing daisies…and a whole assortment of creepy flora. It packed a real punch to witness the physical and mental deterioration of people who reminded me of my friends.

2. Rob Zombie’s Halloween. Providing Michael Meyers with a background story and a flimsy motive demystifies the iconic character, true, but getting to know the chap before he embarks upon a murderous rampage DOES add to the tragedy: when adult Michael mercilessly butchers the sympathetic orderly (“I was good to you, Mikey!”) it becomes obvious that “Mikey” has now become “The Shape,” an impervious, unstoppable force of nature. Not too shabby either: Scout Taylor-Compton’s fine turn as Laurie Strode. A real teenager playing a teenager? Stop the press! Stop iiiiiiiiit!!!

3. Cloverfield. Despite being too epic, too grotesque, and simply too big-budgeted to ever be mistaken for actual found footage, Cloverfield is still a classic of the subgenre thanks to its characters’ palpable despair. I whimpered audibly when the evacuation helicopter with our heroes on board is about to crash and cameraman Hutch goes into a panic-fueled mantra (“Oh, God…Oh, Jesus…I’m so sorry…so sorry”).

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. On the one hand, it’s the saga’s scariest entry as it encourages us to start rooting for the undead child molester. On the other hand, director Renny Harlin’s decision to shoot the bulk of the film in broad daylight is detrimental to the film’s potential to make our skin crawl. I agree with Ben S. that Alice’s journey, though never exceeding the level of a soap opera storyline, IS enjoyable – when our Final Girl makes the transition from wallflower to Warrior Woman (“Fucking A”), I uttered some approving grunts. I am woman, hear me roar!

2. The Prince of Darkness. John Carpenter’s first foray into pure horror since The Fog is wonderfully bonkers. Professor Birack, whose college lectures don’t make a lick of sense, asks of his middle-aged students to assist him in conducting a series of tests down at ye olde mucho spooky abandoned church. It never becomes clear what they’re testing and how they’re going about it, but there’s a lot of expensive equipment on display – I guess that was all some people needed to laud PoD as “scientific horror.” I love PoD because it never fails to make me laugh long and hard. The “this is not a dream” and “entrapped in the other-side-of-the-mirror dimension” sequences, however, are genuinely eerie.

3. Diary of the Dead. I have a love-hate relationship with this film. I love that George A. Romero’s popcorn flick consists of The Death of Death, a tragic documentary by the fictional Jason Creed. I love the bit with deaf-mute farmer Samuel. I love the celebrity voice cameos. What I hate is narrator/editor Debra’s early announcement that the documentary will feature incidental music “to scare [the viewer].” In the world of The Death of Death, the zombie apocalypse is a global reality. Me thinks a real disaster needn’t a soundtrack to make it frightening or dramatic. Can you imagine news footage of the collapsing twin towers accompanied by a Bernard Herrmann composition? What we have here is an obvious discrepancy between Debra’s intentions and those of puppet master Romero. It’s Romero’s Diary of the Dead, not Creed’s The Death of Death that’s in need of a score. I tried to rationalize Debra’s editing room shenanigans by considering possible ulterior motives: her family died and came back to life right in front of her – adding music enables Debra to put some distance between herself and the images. Fictionalizing reality is something many of us are prone to in this digital era: we videotape a day at the beach and add songs and credits in Windows Movie Maker (“Nancy Film Enterprises presents ‘The Strickland Family Trip’; music: Californian Gurls by Katy Perry”). Anyway, I maintain that it’s Romero who needs the scary music – his film is curiously lacking in the suspense department. But it’s still loads of fun.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

Visual Memory. Official Stanley Kubrick site featuring rare interviews and articles. The pages devoted to The Shining are a must for self-respecting horror fans.

Despite the gods. Promotional site for an upcoming documentary chronicling the making of Jennifer Lynch’s horror turkey Hisss. This could be the 21st century’s Lost in La Mancha.

WKIT 100.3. Visit the website of Stephen King’s radio station for horrifyingly good rock tunes.

Gorehounds. The best Dutch horror film never made: Worst Case Scenario.

Red Letter Media . Yet another site most of you already bookmarked ages ago. One day I will take you, Mike Stoklasa, to be my lawfully wedded husband.

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Tags: It's a Horror to Know You!

It’s a Horror to Know You:: Matty from Boston!

May 18th, 2012 · 10 Comments

It’s a Horror to Know You: Matty from Boston!

1. What is the first film that ever scared you?

10 to Midnight” (1983). Although now I see what a bad-ass Charles Bronson is, and Andrew Stevens certainly was dreamy back then, I didn’t feel that way when I was young and witnessed the scene where the naked killer slaughters the room full of student nurses while Bronson’s movie daughter is hiding. As for me, I was so petrified I couldn’t change the channel. Instead, I hid behind the television set and listened to the carnage take place. I’d like to say I’ve become braver as an adult. I’d also like to say that I’m a supermodel. Yet neither of these are true.

2. What is the last film that scared you?

Insidious” (2010): Holy junkpunch Batman, this movie scared me. When I’m alone in any darkened room, I imagine the scene where Barbara Hershey talks of her dream of the demon and the camera shows the outline of the creature in the corner of the little boy’s room, slowly raising his arms. There’s so much old-fashioned, good scare stuff in this movie. It’s got excellent performances, especially the fantastic Lin Shaye, and characters that are easy to feel for. The jump scenes are outstanding and the whole film was pretty wild and unpredictable until the final reel.

3. Name three Horror movies that you believe are underrated.

(01) “Popcorn” (1991): One of my favorite slasher films, starring the always-lovable Jill Schoelen. It’s got a creepy villain, great performances, likable and affable main characters, an obvious affection for the genre, and the scene where my beloved Miss Schoelen is trapped in the dark basement with only a flashlight as the killer skitters around her making noises is genuinely scary.

(02) “Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil” (1992): Say what you like, but this movie owns! It’s got all the slasher tropes: virginal heroine, sassy best friend, isolated location. But it also has a truly frightening and intense killer, likable characters, good performances, terrific score, exciting chase scenes, menacing phone calls, and even a horrific scene involving two of the heroine’s murdered friends (watch the movie and you’ll see). If you just overlook it’s flaws (prom in the dead of winter, among others) and sit back and enjoy it for what it is — a throwback to 80’s slashers — you’ll have a swell time.

(03) “The Zero Boys” (1986): I shun the 3.6 rating this flick has on IMDB and say it’s wrong, all wrong! Just like I do with the Kardashians, I will pretend it doesn’t exist. How can I not love a movie where a bunch of renegade paint-ballers stumble upon a house in the woods and just make themselves at home, only to discover it belongs to torture-happy rednecks? Plus it stars the great Kelli Maroney of “Chopping Mall” and “Night of the Comet” and features a groovy 80’s electronic score. I wish I could take the opening scene where the lead hero yells “Caaaayyy-seeeeeeyy!” in his best “Rambo” voice and make it my ringtone.

4. Name three horror movies that you enjoy against your better judgment.

(01) “Demon Wind” (1990): Thanks to the late great “USA Up All Night”, I discovered this craptastic classic. It’s full of nonsensical scenes of monsters, really dumb college students (including 2 horribly-coiffed magicians), Dell the juiced-up mega-dillweed jock, and it’s unintentionally funny. I heart this film like Lindsay Lohan hearts crack.

(02) “Doom Asylum” (1987): It’s so poorly executed but so much fun, with completely ridiculous (and humorous) dialogue. There’s too much to love about this movie — Tina, the lead rock band chick, and her amazing fake laugh steals the show (I want to be her for Halloween). It’s got victims don’t run away but stand still as the killer approaches them and basically let him kill them, the scene where the 2 would-be paramours run to each other in slow motion through a field, the heroine calling her boyfriend “Mom”, and the fact that the whole movie takes place during daylight, and Kristin Davis (Charlotte from “Sex and the City“) in her first role.

(03) “The Incredible Melting Man” (1977): Forget the fact that there’s absolutely no explanation for the monster’s motives. This film is gold! The conversation between Dr. Ted and his wife about the crackers for the soup while there’s a mutated humanoid running around slaughtering people is so surreal and hilarious that this movie won over my stone-cold heart. There’s a slow-motion window-crashing scene with a Rubenesque nurse, very convincing gore effects care of Rick Baker, the late great Burr DeBenning, and even with all the ineptitude going on, it’s a really entertaining and enjoyable flick.

5. Send us to five places on the Internet!

(01) Bloody Disgusting.

(02) Danvers State Insane Asylum.

(03) Debbie Gibson Official.

(04) Kelli Maroney.

(05) Urban Explorers.

Thanks so much for reading, kindertrauma! I love this site and read it every day! Much love, Matty from Boston MA.

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Tags: It's a Horror to Know You!