Author: unkle lancifer
USA's Saturday Nightmares:: By John Sullivan
I was an ‘inside kid'.
Sure, I went to school and rode bikes and journeyed to 7-11 to pick up comic books and Slurpees.
That was my afternoon. But my night?
Movies. Lots and lots of movies.
My parents gave me a TV time limit. I had a few hours a week. It was sort of an allowance. I had to be smart, and budget my presence in front of the tube.
I used all those hours on Saturday. Here's why:
USA'S SATURDAY NIGHTMARES.
Saturday Nightmares was my youthful gateway into horror films. In an environment where my parents were permissive enough to let me watch some TV, but not permissive enough to let me rent R-rated horror films, Saturday Nightmares provided a mainline fix that my pre-teen (and early teen) self desperately needed.
USA'S Saturday Nightmares was a prime-time (8 PM – East Coast – old school USA network) non-hosted weekly horror movie feature forum that consisted of several elements:
0 – The Intro. As I mentioned, this was an un-hosted venue for horror films but the intros were awesome. In the early days of USA's Saturday Nightmares, it was a little more commando. They were stark black and white shots of grotesque monster movies. It looked cheap, and felt cheap and that informed the scariness of whatever film the show was threatening to air. After a few years, they amped up the budget and it became an early CGI ‘tour' through a museum of horror icons. Regardless of which intro or bumper I preferred, they were atmospheric and foreboding. In other words, even if the movie sucked – I was still scared to watch it.
1 – The Horror Movie. This was usually some semi-obscure thriller that was molding in a VHS bin somewhere. I'm not industry adept enough to guess where the USA network programmers got their material, my guess is it was whatever they had access to. I mean, ‘Bloodbath in the House of Death'? ‘Scared to Death'? ‘Devil Times Five'?, ‘Up From the Depths'?, ‘The House Where Evil Dwells', ‘Spookies'?, ‘The Being'?, – I can go on. And I will. But this show dredged up some of the most lesser-known, cheap thrill horror movies that could ever be IMDB'd. For a kid who was only exposed to ‘Salems Lot' and ‘Gremlins', Saturday Nightmares was a goldmine. R-rated horrors edited for television. Therefore, parent-friendly.
2 – The Anthology Shows. It wasn't just a horror feature showcase. Oh no. It had frosting on the cake. Following the movie, Saturday Nightmares wasn't done with you. They aired three different syndicated horror anthology shows. Among them: The Ray Bradbury Theater, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and The Hitchhiker.
‘The Ray Bradbury Theater' was more of a slow-burn horror anthology. The stories were generally fantastical and had a more broad nature. Not all of the stories presented were from the mind of the great Ray Bradbury, but many of them kept the tone of some of his earlier works. I remember one called ‘The Playground' with a young-ish William Shatner that haunts me to this day.
‘Alfred Hitchcock Presents' had a more crime-oriented atmosphere and a typical just-desserts twist ending. I'd compare the stories presented akin to EC Comics' noir books.
‘The Hitchhiker' was probably inappropriate for a kid my age. It was a port from an HBO series, and consisted of a lot of sex and murder. A lone, scruffed Hitchiker tells stories of lust and death. It was heavily edited for TV, so the impact was lost on me. I do remember some of the stories were compelling, but they had to cut out all the naughty stuff.
3 – The Short Films. Oftentimes, one of the Saturday Nightmares features would end early, and they would have to stick in a mysterious short film to fill out the run time. Short films are commonplace these days, especially on YouTube – but in 1988, it was rare to see a cool, scary short flick. Somehow, the USA Network was able to find some frightening brief bits to pad out the run-time. I remember one was about a man engineering a gigantic mouse-trap…for himself. It was his method of suicide. Dark, right?
I WAS 10!
The first film I ever saw on USA's Saturday Nightmares was ‘The Loch Ness Horror'. It involves – you guessed it – a bunch of people running away from a rubberized Loch Ness Monster puppet. It's…garbage. However, the nostalgia of gunning my BMX bike back from the comic book store to make it home before sundown to watch ‘The Loch Ness Horror' stays with me.
I think I bought a Hulk comic that day. Memories fade…
My parents had to endure my love of USA's Saturday Nightmares. We weren't a rich family. We had a modest house on Long Island with one TV. So, if I watched something – they had to watch that thing. In a strange way, my parents are well-versed in horror movie trivia because of that environment.
-‘Hey Dad, remember ‘Demonwarp'?
-‘Is that the one with the murderous Sasquatch and George Kennedy, and the zombies you made us watch'?
-‘Yup'.
-‘Why couldn't have you been a doctor'?
I was a weird kid. I lived for Saturday Nightmares. Whenever my parents had a dinner party, they knew I'd be out of their hair watching something like ‘Jaws of Satan'. Just to be clear, that's a film about a king cobra possessed by the Devil.
My Dad's buddy, after wandering into the TV room:
‘What are you watching'?
‘Jaws of Satan. Killer king cobra movie'.
‘What the hell is Fritz Weaver doing in this crap'?
As low-grade as many of the movies shown on Saturday Nightmares were, they did expose me to a world beyond the A-list ‘thrillers' that masquerade as horror movies.
Later on, as USA became more mass-audience oriented, the films became more commercial. ‘Demons of the Dead' was replaced by ‘Nightmare on Elm Street 3'. ‘Girls Nite Out' was replaced by ‘Friday The 13th V'. Not that there's anything wrong with those particular films, but I could see them anywhere. I respected the unavailability of the unknown titles.
Soon after…
Saturday Nightmares was kicked. USA rolled into original programming, and became the home of ‘Psych' and ‘Burn Notice'. I'm sure those shows are fine, but I miss the ‘go for broke' programming of the 80's. What is ‘Burn Notice' about, by the way?
I got older and discovered eBay and Amazon and YouTube. I was able to find a lot of my favorite niche horror films on that landscape.
My Saturday nights got booked with grown-up things. Girls, life, girls.
I work as a screenwriter now. I've written the (self-proclaimed) B-movie classics ‘Fear of the Dark', ‘Prophecy: Uprising', ‘Prophecy: Forsaken'. ‘Recoil' (not a horror film but Steve Austin is kinda scary).
I've got a few new thrillers in the pipeline.
I like to think that USA Saturday Nightmares contributed to my silly career.
I leave you with the Wiki link for USA's Saturday Nightmares.
Every flick is a classic. Sorta.
Now, I'm off to find a VHS copy of ‘The Loch Ness Horror'…
JOHNNY BLACKOUT (John Sullivan)
Mama (2013)
Is it too late to write a review of MAMA? That movie is ancient. I missed it in the theater because who knows why, waited for it to appear on Netflix streaming, which it never did and then watched its price as a used DVD go from 15 dollars to 10 to 6 to 4. I finally had to buy the decrepit thing before it turned into a fossil! When I opened the DVD case the disc inside had a long grey beard growing on it! This movie is positively geriatric! Oh wait, IMDb says it was released less than a year ago. Hey don't blame me, blame our disposable culture! This is BLOCKBUSTER's fault even though they are dead! If it was up to me, you'd all be waiting three years for movies to come out on VHS and when they did, they'd cost a hundred clams to purchase and you'd rent them for 5 bucks a pop and if you were late returning them, you'd be fined up the wazoo! That is the natural order of things!
MAMA! Back to MAMA! Love that title! Why didn't I like this movie so much? The premise is fantastic not to mention kindertrauma-riffic. Two poor, pitiful little girls are left in an abandoned cabin in the woods by their insane, gone postal father. Instead of starving and freezing to death, they are cared for by a motherly spook who, like Charo, goes by one name only "Mama" (okay, "cared for" might be a bit of a stretch.) We come to learn that Mama is a ghost that can physically engage in the world and move objects about with ease, so I'm wondering why the hell she didn't pick up the cabin a bit, do some laundry and maybe comb the poor kid's hair! Get it together Mama! You so lazy!
Five years later (really? It took five years for someone to look in the cabin next to the crashed car?), the now feral kids are discovered and taken in by their not insane uncle and his borderline sociopathic "rocker" girl friend Annabel (JESSICA CHASTAIN in a Cousin April wig). I say she's borderline sociopathic because the card that informs us that Annabel is struggling with her maternal instincts is so overplayed that it appears as if she has never encountered a child before and has the patience of a spider monkey. To be fair, there are several later scenes of her connecting with the kids that are less ham-fisted and do really work. In fact, there are many elements in this movie that hint at a much better film just begging to happen. The kids are fantastic and the Mama entity, when not shoved down our throats, can be pretty spooky. Unfortunately every thing from a meddling Aunt to Mama's backstory is painted in such broad strokes that it feels like a fairy tale performed on a Colorforms set. I have two major gripes…
Now, you know I love a "research" scene, they crack me up for being so cliché but I also love them as mid-film markers that declare that the mystery portion of our story is over and things are about to come to a head. MAMA's "research" scene happens super early and it goes on and on and on. It's like a big gelatinous mound of nothing in the center of the picture, a cinder block tied to a kite. We get the library, the wise oldster, a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK storage unit, maps upon maps, news clippings, psychic dreams with characters pointing towards things, street signs, BIG close ups of news clippings, more maps, more sign posts and it all just amounts to redundant filler. Really all the information could just be stuffed inside one of the psychic dreams but instead we have to laboriously follow a boring psychiatrist around when we should be at home with the kids. The kid's story is interesting! It's heartbreaking when the older sister is ready to move away from Mama and the younger one is not. The story is in the house between these characters but we keep getting pushed past the good stuff! Nothing to see here folks! Let's catch up with our throwaway character's attempts to learn what we all already know! (On the other hand, Dr. Boring's cabin encounter with Mama might be the strongest scare in the film. )
Then there's the whole look of Mama. Sometimes Mama looks cool and I dig her underwater hair-do and sometimes Mama looks terrible as in, "Did they model her facial expression from Beaker from the Muppet Show?" At this point, I don't care if the effect is CGI or practical or stop-motion marionette, what matters is what's on the screen and what's on the screen is a problem for me. I think it was a fine idea to put Mama front and center at the climax. I'm not saying less is more and they showed too much and the audience needs to use its imagination because what's in your head is scarier than anything they could show you and all that junk. It's just that, as WHAM once said, "If you're going to do it, do it right." If you want to display Mama in all her glory make sure I'm in awe instead of catching myself wondering if DARKNESS FALLS is underrated. I don't think MAMA is terrible, it's just one of those movies that frustrates because you know it could have been way better. It's not a good sign when your "Sorry I adopted you only to make you feel unwelcome in my home." redemptive resolution was better handled in POLTERGEIST 3.
Like I said, I think it's a great premise and I'll even add that when MAMA is good, it feels like something from Disney's early eighties dark fantasy period like WATCHER IN THE WOODS or SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES (I wouldn't be surprised to receive traumafessions on it in the future either). It's also clear that the filmmakers at least tried to do something of substance even though they got sidetracked along the way. Ultimately for me though, it comes off kind of shrill and cloying and I think the material deserved a more subtle approach and more of a focus on the characters, particularly the relationship of the little sisters. MAMA is based on a short film and that makes perfect sense. If you edited out all of the subterfuge, stalling and brownnosing jump scares, you probably would have one very good short film. There are some priceless heirlooms in this dumpster (a tug of war with a blanket and an unseen Mama comes to mind) but boy do you have to dig! Now I'm sad. I wanted to like this more because it reminded me of my adopted cats. On the bright side, it was totally worth the four dollars for the snow scenes.
CORRECTIONS: The above review incorrectly claims that CHARO has only one name. That is not the case as is revealed in the clip below…
Sunday Viewing:: Demon Wind (1990)
After all the SPOOKIES love last Sunday I was all set to spotlight THE WILLIES today but then something happened. Late last night while reality and logic were fast asleep in their bunk beds, I stumbled across DEMON WIND (1990)! Many a yarn ago (a yarn is a year in Battlestar Galactica-ville) we received a "Name That Trauma" about a cabin that was demolished on the outside and yet totally intact on the inside (HERE). The film in question turned out to be DEMON WIND, which I had regrettably never seen. I made a mental note to check it out on YouTube but by the time I got around to it, it had disappeared! Rats and double rats! Then, to pour salt on my tender wounds, reliable sources like Matty from Boston and Enzo S. sang the praises of DEMON WIND within their respective "It's a Horror to Know You!" posts! I probably should have bought a VHS copy right then an there but instead I went into a corner and prayed to God that one day DEMON WIND would return to YouTube even if only for a brief period so that I would not have to endure the pains of the postal system. Dumb story, dumber, right before I hit the hay last night, God contacted me through a headless Hummel figurine and was all like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot you requested that! We're so backed up here and your prayer was accidently received as junk mail. Here ya go- Here's DEMON WIND on YouTube…"
DEMON WIND is terrible and eerie and strangely trance inducing and incredibly fantastic and also hilarious and wonderful and eye-poppingly bizarre. I think it changed my life. Yes, it did. It changed my life. I wish somebody could explain why DEMON WIND is not shown on T.V. everyday around the clock on a DEMON WIND Channel. I trust that writer/director CHARLES PHILIP MOORE is currently safely and securely kept in a mental hospital and that the key to his cell has been thrown into a volcano. You don't understand! People explode in this movie and turn into infants! There's a giant skull with a snake tongue and an egg opened up and spilled larvae! There are magicians and they play hacky sack with beer cans (?) and spin around with Kung fu kicks! Wait a minute, did I really see this movie or did I dream it? Oh my Lord, so many possessed demons and or zombies roaming the countryside that is paroled by an evil fog! Did I mention the horrifying taking doll?
All right, you just have to watch DEMON WIND is all there is to it. Trust me, DEMON WIND is going to come up at every holiday gathering you attend this season and you'll want to have seen it so that you might join in the conversation and share your learned opinion. I can't believe I wasted my life by not training to be a Kung fu magician. I really blew it.
An Open Letter to Corey Feldman
Corey, I can now say that I have exactly twice in my life read a book in one sitting. The first time was with IAN BANKS' THE WASP FACTORY and the second incident occurred thanks to your autobiography COREYOGRAPHY. I was trapped in an airplane with THE WASP FACTORY but your book was so good I just went into a corner and ssshhed the world. I may need Tommy Jarvis style glasses now. I read till four in the morning and my eyeballs were way past pleading for mercy. But what can I say, it's written in such a concise, conversational, clear-cut way that it's an overall joy to read except for the parts that aren't a joy to read because they are like being punched in the stomach and having your GREMLINS lunchbox stolen. I feel like I owe you an apology. Being a couple years older than you, I enjoyed your performances in eighties classics like GREMLINS, FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 4, GOONIES and STAND BY ME and then as soon as you hit your teen phase, (think anything after THE LOST BOYS or involving the "Coreymania" phenomenon you shared with soul brother cohort COREY HAIM), I basically rolled my eyes and prayed for your quick downfall. If I had known anything of what your life was actually like and the things that you endured I would have been routing for you all the way.
I'm sorry, Corey! I didn't know! I just thought; "Hey, this person is loved, has everything they could possibly want, is enjoying their life and why can't they fall into a manhole and die?" It wasn't personal! Back then I condemned all human contentment that I falsely perceived due to my incalculable ignorance! Plus I was jealous! I can admit that now. Where was Lance-mania? Why didn't I have an 800 number? Why wasn't I invited to the Neverland Ranch? O.K., you can actually have that last one all to yourself but I would have at least liked to have had the honor of meeting Crispin Glover!
Oh well, I'm older now. I realize the grass isn't always greener and to my credit when, earlier this year, the townspeople were calling for Miley Cyrus's head on a pike, I was actually repulsed by all the misplaced venom. I feel bad for you child stars who have to somehow find a way in this world while constantly being scrutinized and undermined by what must seem like everyone. Plus, I'm a middle child so I totally get that "one day you're hot, the next your not" thing. But I don't think I can ever comprehend the exploitive chomp ‘em up and spit ‘em out Hollywood machine you survived or what it's like to have such a horrible mother. You go ahead and forgive your mother Corey, it's best for you. I can't do it.
Blaming parents has really gone out of fashion lately but I'm a retro type of guy that believes folks should be accountable for their actions. At some point we're all told we must get over stuff and move on but it's usually those who stand to gain the most from collective amnesia that sing its praises the loudest. No, Corey your mother didn't force you to do drugs but she couldn't have programmed you to be a bigger user if she tried and she may not have molested you but she might as well have held the door open for those who did. While she was living off your income, she had one job to do which was to keep you and your siblings safe and provide you with the foundation of self worth to continue that job on your own in the future. It was a job she mostly failed at. It's impossible to fill a bucket that has been punched full of holes and while horrible things happen to kids with the greatest of parents as well, kids treated the way you were stand little chance at all. I'd blame your Dad too if he even registered as a person. Ah jeez! This is why I have avoided writing this for so long! I knew it would get me up on a soapbox because this book, good as it is, outraged me to no end and I have to mourn the fact I'll never watch FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 4 the same way again!
In closing, wonderful job on the book! What a brave and impressive achievement! I'm so sorry that you went through what you did but thanks for sharing your story because it will not only open eyes like mine but also allow others who have suffered in the same ways feel less alone. My sincere condolences on the loss of your friend Corey Haim, the one person who needed no help understanding your experience. I think you are absolutely correct in surmising his drug problems were a direct result of his abuse and I guess, from now on, I will not be so quick to judge those with substance problems. I hope the rest of your life is a breeze and know that even more amazing than the accomplishment of this book is the accomplishment of breaking the chain of abuse and becoming the parent that you yourself deserved. Oh, and thanks for narrating the CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES documentary! That was really cool! Keep on keeping on and "Goonies never say die"!
Traumafession:: Reader Lorraine on The Rugrat's Search for Reptar Game
Hey, it's me again. I don't think I've ever seen a video game-related trauma on here before, so I figured: Why not be the first? Now, we all remember good old Rugrats, right? Turns out the show had a few licensed video games out there. I only played one of them as a kid, Rugrats: Search For Reptar. To be quite honest, I would even go so far as to say that I was absolutely addicted to the game. I loved it! I'd say it was one of the games that I played the most, topped only by the famous Spyro the Dragon games.
Like I said, I loved every moment of that game. Well, except for a few trauma-inducing levels. The absolute biggest offender for me was the level, "Let There Be Light". Looking back, this level still gives me the creeps. I even have a hard time playing it to this day. Everything about it was just… I can't even describe it.
First off, there's the overall atmosphere of the level. It's dark, the music is eerie as hell, Tommy's parents are nowhere to be seen, and there are "shadow monsters" everywhere, ghosts, more or less. And then there's the noise that they made when you got too close to them. Oh God, the noise. "Oogie-boogie-boogie!" Oh, you may laugh, but it's just the tone of the noise. It would scare the pants off any kid! I absolutely refused to play that level unless I had one of my parents in the room with me. Often at times, I would just make them play the level for me. When I found out that you could skip whole levels by collecting enough Reptar bars to get puzzle pieces, I would go out of my way to collect as many as I possibly could just so I could avoid that level.
Then there was the Ice Cream Mountain level. You know, the mini-golf level. Now, unlike "Let There Be Light", the whole level didn't scare me. It was just one part, specifically the hole in which you play as Angelica. There's a pyramid at the center. I eventually found out that you could actually go in the pyramid. It was a bad idea.
It started out with a noise. I was creeped out, but curious at the sound. I went in further to find out what it was. Turns out, if you go into the pyramid, you'll be greeted by mummified Mister Friends. They will approach you slowly but menacingly. I freaked out. Because the inside of the pyramid was designed like a maze, there were dead ends… with even more Mister Friends. I was starting to panic. You have no idea how relieved I was to get out of the place.
Come to find out, I'm not alone. Looking in the comments of Let's Plays of the game, many people were scared by the same things. Some, even scared of things that didn't scare me, like the crazy goose in Grandpa's Teeth or the giant gorilla in Toy Palace. Looking back, I have absolutely no clue why those things didn't scare me.
Name That Trauma:: Derek B. on a Slow Motion Bully Stabbing
Hola, you are brilliant. I love your site.
Here's one that hit me pretty hard as a kid. It was on network television after Saturday Morning Cartoons had run their course. Time period was early eighties. It was live-action, a kind of after-school-special feel to it. It was about bullying, or about bad kids. I remember a warning about "This program contains content that may upset younger viewers." Ha! I can take it!
The music is hyper-dramatic, almost like the theme to "The Black Hole." One smaller boy is attacked by a larger one. The attack is very slow. The smaller boy, in glasses, is backed against a brick wall. The bigger one pulls a knife on him.
The knife goes into the smaller boy's belly. The mean kid cuts neatly from one side to the other, and we see blood. He leaves. The younger boy, again with slow, slow reactions (he didn't defend himself) slowly collapses against the wall. The camera zooms on his agonized face. The end.
None of this looked real, of course. But when has that ever made a difference? When I was a kid, this made me feel like I was going to vomit. I was small and wore glasses. Sucks.
UNK SEZ: Thanks Derek! I so wish I knew the answer to this one ! That way I could repay you for bringing up the theme to THE BLACK HOLE! It's so swirly and hypnotic and frequently stuck in my head!
Sunday Viewing:: Spookies (1986)
Thanks to our buddy JOHN SULLIVAN's recent IAHTKY everybody around the kindertrauma offices has come down with SPOOKIES fever (our offices consist of myself and five cats under my employ). Now that I think about, J.M. COZZOLI of ZOMBO's CLOSET revealed his soft spot for SPOOKIES in his IAHTKY too. Now it's time for everybody who hasn't seen it before to get a load of what all the fuss is about! I'm happy to tell you that some nice person uploaded the flick onto YouTube! The cool thing is that it's presented in one piece and it's lifted from what looks like a decent DVD! Because of all the sad licensing issues that have plagued this film since its inception, it is very possible that it will never make it to DVD. Sure you could buy an old used VHS if you wanted but I'm thinking the color and picture quality is better here! As always, it could vanish at any time so this is your big chance!
The first thing you will notice about SPOOKIES is that it makes no sense. The second thing you will notice is that you don't really care because it has a zillion monsters in it and the special effects are the kind of which your soul has been craving. The reason this movie is such a jumble is because it was made as something else entirely by two directors, lost its financing before completion and then scenes with little relation were filmed by a third director and used to patch up the holes! It sounds like a recipe for disaster and I suppose it is for fussbudgets who like their movies comprehensible. For those who prefer people who transform into giant spiders over coherence, this is a windfall!
Perhaps SPOOKIES' biggest drawback is that it lacks any humans you can relate to but it's a fair trade for "Duke" (NICK GIONTA), who by rights should go down in history as one of the biggest and most entertainingly annoying jerk characters in all of horror! (I think his only real competition would be Wildman from FINAL EXAM or Dr. Crews from FRIDAY 7 or maybe the decapitated head of Kristen's mom from ELM STREET 3 or any of those greedy guys that insist on going forward with a community event even though it's a bad idea because of a hungry monster being in the vicinity.) Anyway, you get a witch too and the witch is cool. Plus farting zombies and a fantastic score that is pure unadulterated 80s pleasure. Watch SPOOKIES below!
Movie Review Headcheese:: Insidious: Chapter 2, You're Next, Stoker, Passion, Curse of Chucky, etc.
Every once in a while the inside of my head turns into styrofoam. It's some kind of merciful curse that insures I remain ambivalent enough not to jump off a bridge. The down side is a cluttered desktop! How is one supposed to finish a movie review when they can't even a finish a…what are those long snake-like things that swallow words called again?…sentence! Usually I'd just sweep these dead leaves into a pile and light the delete button but today I'm making movie review headcheese! Yummy! It tastes like lethargy!
INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 2
I can't believe I almost didn't see INSIDIOUS 2. What a dope I almost was. It's just that I had warm fuzzy feelings about JAMES WAN's last two flicks that I wanted to protect and scuttlebutt on the street was that it was shrug-worthy. Not that I ever read reviews for a film before I see it but it's hard with the Internet not to glean the general consensus through the fine art of skimming out of the corner of your eye. Luckily I remembered that folks are harsh on horror in general and sequels in particular. Besides, WAN had only months previously ridden a wave of approval thanks to THE CONJURING and critics would likely be itching to rain on that parade as soon as possible. So I went, thinking if it did stink, what the hell, at least I'd get to hang out in a dark theater for a while.
I should thank all the braying naysayers because with my expectations in check I enjoyed every minute of it. INSIDIOUS 2 turned out to be one of the better sequels I've ever seen. I say that because instead of diluting the occurrences in the first film, INSIDIOUS 2 only enhances them. Both films compliment each other and yet stand on their own. I think you could even watch them in reverse if you wanted. Also whoever decided to cast HOUSE OF THE DEVIL's JOCELIN DONAHUE as the younger version of BARBARA HERSHEY's character deserves a meatball hoagie of some sort. Really if you liked the first film, I have no idea why you wouldn't like the second unless you just hate the number 2. Most importantly, one scene really took me off guard and scared the crap out of me. As I look over at ROTTEN TOMATOES now, I see that although the critics kept their arms crossed, audiences responded mostly favorably so maybe it's not just me…or maybe it is….
YOU'RE NEXT
Again, I didn't read any reviews for this but I kept seeing high grades in magazines and hearing from folks that it was "real horror" and so original and what a tragedy that it didn't do better at the box office and horror fans need to support scrappy films like this, etc. Basically I was guilt tripped into seeing this movie but it had to be good if my comrades were so passionate about it…right?
I didn't get it. Was I tired that day? Was I dreaming of meatball hoagies like I sometimes do? I see there's no number 2 in the title but how is this movie getting praise for being original? They could have called it THE STRANGERS 2 and I sure wouldn't have noticed. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but were people receiving fruit baskets for every rube they convinced into seeing this movie? Please be honest if you've received a fruit basket and don't read anymore if you don't like spoilers…
I'm most confused by why I was repeatedly told by people that they could not explain why this movie was so incredible because that would give away its mindboggling twist… but now that I've seen it, I have to ask… what the hell is the twist? That the boyfriend is in on it? That's the hoariest trick in the book. Was the twist that the female character knew how to fight? Really? Are we all still collectively pretending that is an anomaly in horror films? Ugh. Why does a genre capable of exploring the enormity of existence itself keep getting mesmerized into monotony by a subject as mundane as gender? I'm not saying "move on" I'm just asking can I play Candy Crush while everybody rates a female character's worth based solely on how well she handles herself when being attacked? People can cry about remakes and sequels all they want but if you ask me, what's really hobbling the genre is the insistence on stuffing it with action movie tropes and audience pandering power fantasies. A large part of my fear while watching a horror movie is derived from my concern for the character's safety. When you take that away and make everyone a secret ninja, I've got nothing.
It's possible my experience suffered from the corrosive effects of overpraise. Might I have enjoyed YOU'RE NEXT if I had stumbled across it on cable? One thing's for sure, presented as horror's great white hope or a bastion of innovation for me, it just doesn't fly. Furthermore, I don't think audiences should feel too guilty about not wanting to trudge out and spend 16 bucks to see what basically amounts to a semi more violent, semi less funny version of CLUE: THE MOVIE.
STOKER
Do you know what I find infinitely more interesting than a gal with secret ninja skills? A character with something provocative going on between their ears. Here's a movie I wouldn't mind rallying behind, STOKER, CHAN-WOOK PARK's phantasmagorical spin on HITCHCOCK's SHADOW OF A DOUBT. It's so damn beautiful folks are bound to call it pretentious which is a fancy way to say artsy-fartsy. Go ahead and sue me but it's been a long time since an image on the screen was enough to make my jaw drop and STOKER delivers more than a few. I didn't make the connection with HITCH's flick ‘til well towards the end and even then I swear there was never a moment when I felt I knew what was going to happen next. Powerfully ominous and sinisterly swoony, STOKER left me in a weird gothic trance with a sudden urge to read Victorian poetry and befriend spiders. Wrap it up, I'll take it. It's glorious to catch a director so obviously at the peak of his powers.
PASSION
Aw! Do you know who's not at the peak of his powers? My beloved BRIAN DE PALMA! That's O.K. Even B.D.'s less successful work is fascinating to me! This one is a doozie and do bring along your sense of humor or be prepared to bang your head against a wall. Essentially I believe this is the story of two non-ninja but still powerful women fighting over who gets to take the credit for inventing "the butt-cam" and of course such a dispute can only end in murder! All of you who have griped about DE PALMA emulating HITHCOCK can stop now- he's moved on to ZALMAN KING. This movie is supposed to be based on some French flick but I swear it's an episode of THE RED SHOE DIARIES. Although if you want to talk about the look of the movie, I'd guess 1984's never ending venetian blind commercial THIEF OF HEARTS might have been a big inspiration.
It sounds like I'm making fun but I am fine with all of the above and God strike me dead if I ever am such a turd as to not appreciate anything that comes down the pike holding hands with a PINO DONAGGIO score. All of the film's tone-deaf dialogue and slick artifice is okay in my book too. That's just my buddy DE-DE doing DE-DE. The real problem is the story is bonkers and nearly every set up is a let down. Also I feel I have to implore DE PALMA's friends and family- You people need to get together and have a "dream sequence" intervention for the guy. He's obviously out of control and needs help. I'm not in the position to lend aid, otherwise I would.
Still, I say to love cinema is to love DE PALMA. Even when dancing backwards with a lampshade on his head, it's clear his romance with the medium is true blue. The PASSION experience is sort of like when you go see a band you loved in college and they sound awesome and you're having a great time and you applaud for an encore and then they come out and say those dreaded words "This is from our new album!" and everyone starts sliding ever so discretely toward the bar or the bathroom. But it's DE PALMA and so I'm going to give it a few years. If somebody puts a montage on YouTube of every time one of the two brilliantly game leads (RACHEL McADAMS & NOOMI RAPACE) laughs like a deranged maniac within the film, PASSIONS could easily gather some camp/cult traction.
CURSE OF CHUCKY
As long as DON MANCINI is writing and directing you can just keep the CHUCKY movies coming as far as I'm concerned. I say that even while the man has made it abundantly clear he will never accept my friendship on Facebook. He's like a hero of mine because he's written every installment and has pushed the series into directions that go against the grain. I'm sure he's lost a few fans by challenging their expectations and that just makes me respect him more. If you weren't down with SEED O' CHUCKY's meta cartoon take on the material (I was) take heart as instead of inflating things further to the breaking point, MANCINI has done a full U-turn and made CURSE a tighter more intimately grounded affair. The guy does a beautiful job with the atmosphere and rather than the usual carnival tone, half the time I felt I was watching some early eighties Italian psychological thriller like LAMBERTA BAVA'S A BLADE IN THE DARK.
Not only is this box office bypassing sequel visually dark and broody, gone for the most part our Chucky's trademark winky quips and in their place are uncomfortable existential bon mots like "There is no God" and "Life's a bitch and then you die bleeding like a stuck pig." FIONA DOURIF (daughter of the series' spine BRAD DOURIF) is a natural and a welcome breath of fresh air as Nica, a heroine with a (SCREAM OF FEAR inspired?) physical hurdle (she requires a wheelchair) but more than enough mental determination to become one of Chuck's most formidable adversaries. I must admit I wasn't fully satisfied with every revelation uncovered, but for the most part, it's obvious that an effort was made to reward those who have been loyal to the series total (i.e. stay through the closing credits). I think this release is a hopeful sign of the future for straight-to-home releases. If bypassing box office approval and some advertising costs means directors can have more control over the finished product then that can only be a good thing in my book.
WHITE NOISE 2
Speaking of straight-to-video sequels, has anyone seen this one? I barely remember the first film it's barely based on, but I found it for $1.50 in a used bin and took a chance because it had (sci-fi dream couple) NATHAN FILLION and KATEE SACKHOFF in it and was directed by MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)'s PATRICK LUSSIER. It could have just as easily have been released as a (far less bloody) FINAL DESTINATION installment and even though I'm convinced my mom would have liked it even more than me, I must say I enjoyed it. In fact, I'm know I'm going to watch it again. I definitely liked it better than the first flick and those charismatic leads should be cast together more often.
KISS OF THE DAMNED
Hey, check it out! Apparently there is no end to JOHN CASSAVETES & GENA ROWLAND's contribution to film. Who knew they also kindly gifted us with talented daughter XAN CASSAVETES and she's just getting started! KISS is XAN's first feature film and yay, it is chuck full of vampires! XAN doesn't seem too interested in taking the undead down the bigger, louder, faster road to nowhere. This lyrical flick pays homage to a time when people had attention spans and vampire movies didn't…(you know it's going to happen)…suck. Are you a fan of DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971)? Where you noticeably the only person not bored by VAMPYRES (1974) when you watched it at a group sleepover? Would you push your grandmother into traffic for saying an unkind word about THE HUNGER (1983)? This movie is for you (and me)! It's got lovely cinematography and a gets-under-your-skin score and if there's absolutely nothing warm beneath its polished surface, welcome to the world of vampires. Sure I'm sad that if it cunningly builds up to what might be a magnificent showdown only to peter out with a whimper! Then again, what better way to salute the artsy fartsy European fang flicks of yesterday?
GHOULIES 3 and 4
I watched and was entertained by GHOULIES 3 and 4 recently so take that into consideration when reading anything I might say. These movies are of course terrible and I have no excuse except that I can't resist the enjoyable VHS flavored bubble they are able to trap me in (even though I watched them on cheap DVD compilations). I have nothing much to say about either except, the cast for part 3 is astounding (JASON SCOTT LEE, MATHEW LILLARD, DOLLS' STEPHEN LEE, SUMMER SCHOOL's PATRICK LABYORTEAUX, APRIL FOOL'S DAY's GRIFFIN O'NEAL, KEVIN McCARTHY, MARCIA (R.I.P.) WALLACE!!!) and that notably in part 4 the Ghoulies cease being puppets and start being costumed dwarves (TONY COX!!). Also part 4 was directed by the guy who did CHOPPING MALL and both films have the power to change lives. Hey, Judgey Mcjudgeystein, I can't always find something agreeable on Netflix Streaming…
MANIAC
Thank God I didn't break down and rent MANIAC on demand because lo and behold it finally did appear on Netflix! I almost passed it by because the image they are using to represent it looks surprisingly bland compared to all of the cool poster art I've seen floating around. As I expressed HERE I've had a long and varied history with WILLIAM LUSTIG's original. My first viewing left me shell-shocked and that feeling over the years somehow transformed into the type of adoring affection usually reserved for kittens. I'm also on record HERE for supporting remakes and their potential to be worthwhile every now and then. While this particular effort is never going to push the original off the throne in my heart, it did at least capture's the original's sense of impending dread. For all its questionable moves, I did find myself properly agitated and worried about how far into the abyss it might go.
My first takeaway is the idea that it's too bad that ELIJAH WOOD was not old enough to play Norman Bates in the PSYCHO remake as it would have certainly have been less of a disaster. He's very good in this, even while some of his performance is buried beneath the movie's too gimmicky POV stance. The POV thing works fine enough and I understand the detached coldness that results was probably what the director was going for but I would have rather it had been used more sparingly as it got in the way of me connecting with the characters. Ultimately this is a no foul, no harm tribute that has a few worthwhile ideas of its own. Plus I have to give points for the retro synth score, hipster baiting though it may be at times. On the other hand, the use of SILENCE OF THE LAMB's "Goodbye Horses" was just a little too obvious and heavy handed for my taste. Which brings me to…
THE CALL
I laughed at the trailer for this one when I first saw it but when I learned it was directed by SESSION 9's BRAD ANDERSON I had to give a shot. Guess who had the last laugh? HALLE BERRY of course! THE CALL is a mostly straightforward, surprisingly suspenseful throw back to seventies-era woman in peril thrillers. Its tone and barebones structure make it feel like a TV movie and yeah, that's a compliment. I think what may have ruined the film for some is that it goes ridiculously off the rails in the third act, BUT I embraced the lunacy and let it flow.
BERRY plays a 911 operator with a history of screwing things up who gets a chance to redeem herself when she gets a call from a girl trapped in the trunk of a car. Eventually, due to the police being incompetent, she must go to the crazy killer's underground lair(!) to rescue the poor girl herself. Yeah, it's a little over the top. But I'll give it this; when the scalping killer begins to go about his torturous business in this movie, he doesn't play the obvious "Goodbye Horses" instead his tuneage of choice is CULTURE CLUB's KARMA CHAMELEON. I decree this is a stroke of genius.
I can't stop thinking about it. On one level, it's simply funny in an ironic way as the song is about as happy, toe-tappy and benign as they come. Underneath that candy coating though the frightening truth is that KARMA CHAMELEON is also maddeningly nonsensical and ruthlessly repetitive. It is a trickster anthem sung by a Pan-possessed rag doll! Look behind its false mirth camouflage and you will find a chilling condemnation and a call for moral anarchy! Its catchy earworm powers are so evil that they register at levels usually reserved for commercial jingles. Folks of a certain age have had this chant that mocks all that is sane engrained into the deepest level of their psyches where only sleeper agent instructions are meant to be stored. As soon as you hear the first familiar beat from that song it becomes all too hideously clear that all matter of hell is about to break loose!
So now I have a final question for you guys. I babbled on so much today that there's no way I'm preparing a funhouse so instead, I'll introduce a new interactive feature entitle The KINDERTRAUMA QUESTIONNAIRE!!!! (Trumpets)
KINDERTRAUMA QUESTIONNAIRE QUESTION #1: What 3 songs would you least like to hear a murderer play while he or she is killing you?
My Answers are…
3. Ce'st La Vie" by Robbie Nevil– because that's just rude to play that. I wouldn't want somebody so insensitive to my feelings taking my life.
2. "Ain't Nothing Gonna Break My Stride" by Mathew Wilder. I wouldn't like to hear this song while I was being murdered because I think I'd read the killer's selection of it as a reflection of his or her alarming determination to accomplish their goals.
1. "Somebody's Knockin'" by Terri Gibbs. Holy shit, if somebody played this insanely scary song right before they murdered me I would never forgive them. I would damn them to hell forever for making my last moments on Earth such a miserable and harrowing experience! Who would do that? What kind of sick in the head monster plays Terri fucking Gibbs before they kill somebody? It's like some twisted record executive said, "Can someone please make a song that's scarier than WING's "Let ‘em In?" and Terri was all like "Sure, I'll do it!" and the record guy was like, "Wait, what are you a man or a woman? I can't even tell." And Terri was like "What?! What are you blind? I'm a woman you moron! Just for that I'm going to make the song ten times scarier!"
