Author: unkle lancifer

Remember how we were just talking about how crummy the world would be without sequels? Well, I think it would be even worse without the even more maligned remake. Sorry, but some of my very best friends are remakes! There are many opportunities with remakes to expand upon ideas and to accomplish things previously impossible and, contrary to popular opinion, remakes do not have the power to jump in a time machine and assassinate the films they are based on and then steal their positions in the universe. So again, here comes a magic meteor to erase all remakes from existence! What a lesser world we'd be living in without the films below! (Feel free to add your favorites.)

THE THING (1982)

This one here is a no-brainer of course and please excuse me for stating the obvious. Sure, when this now beloved classic hit theaters most people were either not interested or saw is as a special effects laden insult to the longer titled, 1951 film based on JOHN W. CAMPBELL's "Who Goes There?" This movie is a fine example of why you should never take any critic's opinion as gospel. Sometimes greatness is particularly hard to identify because it walks so far ahead of the pack.

THE FLY (1986)

The original THE FLY (1958) will always be creepy fun but DAVID CRONENBERG was able to take a semi-hokey premise and graft upon it adult themes that would have never flown decades before. 1986's THE FLY oozes with visuals that the previous incarnation wouldn't dare imagine but it's also one the best relationship movies of any genre if you ask me.

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978)

Movies don't get much more brilliant than this and no it does not step on the toes of the 1956 predecessor in any way, shape or form. Those worried that substandard rehashes will mar the memory of superior source material take heart, nobody much recalls the 2007 pod people attack on NICOLE KIDMAN called INVASION.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)

In my brain, TOBE HOOPER's TCM may be more of an absolute masterpiece than any of the films I've mentioned thus far. I don't think a film could capture horror in any purer form unless you could somehow get the Devil himself behind the camera. The 2003 version is nowhere near the same ballpark but for a mainstream flick sporting an attractive cast, it threw down the gauntlet and brought the ugly back. Over stylized though it may be, after years of clean-cut mall horror, its successful celebration of the sick, depraved and undoubtedly stinky hacked a path that allowed more aggressive horror to be made. Sure I could probably live without this one but could I live without all the films that were green-lit because of it? Nope.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)

Did this really happen? I'm still pinching myself. The original is one of my favorite slashers. I never dared dream that it would be remade or even remembered outside of nerdy horror circles. Not only was it made but it also stars TOM ATKINS and it's in 3-D. It even spurred a re-release of the original film on DVD with all of the deleted gore that I only ever fantasized about seeing returned. Oh yeah, it's a good movie too and I've watched it more times than I can count now. So let me make sure I've got the math right; this film brought back a favorite horror character (Harry Warden), actor (ATKINS) format (3-D sorry, haters) and resurrected the original film in its complete and intended form and it's entertaining as hell to boot. Yep, lots to bitch about here.

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

A couple of years I ago I would have told you to stick this remake in a rocket and shoot it towards the sun but only after dousing it in turpentine first. Now I'm all obsessed with it. If I told you I watched it twice this past holiday season I lied. It was three times. Maybe I developed a sense of humor or maybe I realized that remaking BLACK CHRISTMAS ('74) wasn't quite the same thing as wallpapering over the Sistine Chapel. Who knew that when I searched my heart I would find that I had enough faith in the value of the original to believe it strong enough to withstand whatever was thrown at it? My childhood memories are not damaged, my life goes on as it did, except now I have this other really funny version of BLACK CHRISTMAS to enjoy every year along with the first.

THE RING/THE BLOB (2002/1988)

I like both these remakes better than the originals. I mean c'mon, among other things, the first RING has no NAOMI WATTS and the first BLOB is ruefully SHAWNEE SMITH-free. Nuff' said.

PSYCHO (1998)

I agree that this is a terrible, wretched remake but I do not agree that it should have never been made. What person interested in film would not want to at least try to sit through this failed experiment at least once? Watching a shot-for-shot remake with none of the original film's soul present or accounted for makes one appreciate the wondrous artistry that made the first film so dynamic. Plus if you want to fully grasp just what an incredible actor ANTHONY PERKINS was then, you need only observe a moment of VINCE VAUGHN. Sure it's torture but suffering leads to knowledge! Actually, I just had to put this up here to mortify those who might only be scanning the titles.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)

I admit the holed up people in the mall are absolute morons for allowing that obvious zombie woman in the wheelbarrow into the place but that goof aside, this remake is non-stop cool from beginning to end. Truly, it leaves most zombie movies in the dust in its first fifteen minutes.

THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

I wonder if there were die hard fans of the 1910 take on FRANK L. BAUM's book that balked and cried when they heard there was going to be a fancy new fangled 1925 version. Did madly passionate fans of the 1925 version cringe and spew bile when they read on the Internet that a new version was being made in 1939? (Please, if you are now thinking of leaving a comment explaining to me that the Internet did not exist in 1925- don't do it, I beg you!)

It's a nice thing that fans are so passionate about their favorite films and it's a real shame that sometimes remakes don't turn out as good as they might. Still, I think people are a little nutso with how close-minded they can be and I wonder if maybe having their identity too wrapped up in stuff that they can't claim ownership of in the first place is the real problem. These movies belong to all of us and I don't mind my share being explored in new and different ways before I croak. You never know which ones are going to be excel and really nobody has the right to say there's no place like home until they're brave enough to journey somewhere else.

Folks are always so crabby about sequels but the darn things have given me more than they have taken away and therefore I will always defend them. In fact, any time somebody says they hate a person, place or thing, I always wish I could send them into an alternate "It's a Wonderful Life!" type dimension where the source of their scorn does not exist and see how well they fare there. No, sequels are not always good but that bath water you just dumped out? There was a baby in there! Holy crap! You just killed a baby. As for me, if a magic meteor hit the planet and erased all sequels, here are the ten things that I would miss the most and immediately. Feel free to add what you would miss in the comments section!

THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935)

I'm not alone in thinking I might like this sequel better than the film it sprung from. Doctor Preterious is a real hoot and if sequels didn't exist, I'm afraid UNA O'CONNOR as Minnie would disappear too! That's no good. And by the by, if you hate gay people then I must send you to a dimension where neither of the first two FRANKENSTEINs exist (as we know them) and guess what- there's no HELLRAISER, CHUCKY or KRISTY MCNICHOL there either. It's basically the lamest dimension ever.

PSYCHO II (1983)

PSYCHO is just the type of movie that nobody should be brave enough to wish a sequel for and yet sequels for it do exist and I think Part 2 is absolutely excellent. Some people think the less you know about a killer the more potent the horror but I, again, say hogwash to that. I'm grateful I got to see another side of Norman Bates (ANTHONY PERKINS). His relationship with Mary (MEG TILLY) who learns to have sympathy for the man she was raised to hate is one of my favorites in all of horror.

ALIENS (1986)

Everybody knows ALIENS is white-hot awesome but think of it this way; what if the character of Bishop never existed to prove that not all androids want to shove magazines down your throat? What if we never got to see Ripley's maternal instinct make the lateral jump from cat lover to child saver? Yikes, I could have possibly ended up a PAUL REISER fan if this movie didn't thoroughly convince me that he was a wretched person!

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987)

I'm sorry but the original ELM STREET only has its originality to boast over Part 3. Really can we just use this movie as a permanent template for what a sequel could and should be? What a great idea to get talented people with imaginations that actually like horror films to helm this project rather than just any available schlub! Hollywood write that concept down on a post-it and put it on your fridge. Say it after me, "There are no bad sequels, only bad filmmakers."

HALLOWEEN II (2009)

Back up townspeople! I can wave a torch too! Allow me to momentarily pretend that I have respect for those who don't get this movie. If you want to see the most tragic death ever presented in a slasher film, it's here. I guess not everybody is comfortable with a director pushing the boundaries of what a slasher film can convey and that's their prerogative. I've watched this every Halloween since it has come out and this year I found out- so does my niece! Hmmm, maybe you have to come from a weird family to fully appreciate this movie. I say that as a joke but I may be on to something. As long as I'm talking HALLOWEEN sequels, I should also add that HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982) is a vital part of my world.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (1981)

Thank God the Internet as it is presently was not around when this came out! I can hear the gripes now, "How could they kill Alice?" "Jason can't be alive!" "How come what I imagined in my head is not what is on the screen?!" If FRIDAY neglected to stomp forward into Part 2, I'd have never known Ginny Field! And if it didn't go on even further, I would have lost my pals Shelly, Tommy Jarvis and Maddy! Good God, Tina's mom would be dust in the wind! What a horrible concept! Why am I torturing myself with these nightmare visions!

EXORCIST III (1990)

This title surely produced instant snickers after EXORCIST II: THE HYSTERICAL but surprise it has one of the scariest scenes ever and it employed both BRAD DOURIF and VIVECA LINDFORS of CREEPSHOW, so that's enough for me.

8 EVIL DEAD 2/DAWN OF THE DEAD (1987/1978)

Well this should hit the stock horror fan right where they live. Can you imagine a world where these two didn't exist? T-shirt, poster and DVD companies would go belly up and countless basement bedrooms would flood with tears! Hell, if these two horror gateway drugs didn't exist you could probably say goodbye to half the horror fans out there! Me, I'd miss the flying eyeball and that guy whose head gets shortened by a helicopter blade.

CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)

Aw, this is one of my favorite movies from my youth and it's a perfect example that a sequel can be its own beast and doesn't necessarily have to be a weak rehash of the original. This is another one that I like just as much as the first and it routinely gets short changed just for being inspired by something that previously existed. I ask you what movie out there can really claim to be wholly fresh and not influenced by anything that existed before it? I don't know what sun you live under but there's nothing new under the one above me. Although I have to say springtime in February is novel.

FINAL DESTINATION 5 (2011)

I think the most fun I had in an actual movie theater this year was seeing FINAL DESTINATION 5. For pure enjoyment value alone, it left most of the better-reviewed horror flicks looking pretty damn dingy to me. I have to give this movie some accolades for not only injecting pure adrenaline into a faultering franchise, but also for proving that the cynical ceiling built by negative naysayers is all in their minds. Truth is, it's never too late to make something worthwhile and not everybody has to love something to validate its existence. Just one fan blindly smitten or one afternoon spent contentedly lost inside the movie screen is worth it. I'm not exaggerating when I say I think it's a valuable life lesson to realize that even after the crappiest installment a stellar one can still follow.

So I say hug a sequel today and the next time you decide to rag on something imagine the poor world without it instead. Also don't choke people with rolled up magazines…ever.

Okay, so it's zero o'clock in the nothingness and I want to watch a movie but my brain is begging for a low impact workout and not to be needlessly jerked around. I can't afford another highly praised slab of nonsense that leaves me feeling like I'm the last bitter survivor of a dead world. Hey now, what's that crusty object I see hidden and tucked away beneath a pile of army blankets in the HBO On Demand drawer? Why it's 1997's THE RELIC and in HD no less! Hmmm, I have not seen this one in ages and my previous experiences with it teetered on semi ho-hum and yet…it's perfect for right now.

See, this is why I'm never too hard on semi-successful monster flicks with dubious plots; I know one day, sooner or later, I'll need it more than it will need me. I want to see some heads roll, some doors banged in. I want a creature feature mashed up with a disaster flick. I want the monster to time his attack during a posh museum gala that the mayor has an invitation to! The Mayor of Chicago no less! Somebody somewhere at some time had the bright idea of casting a 60 million dollar production with PENELOPE ANN MILLER, TOM SIZEMORE and LINDA HUNT and that person owns a piece of my heart forever. No time for popcorn. Where's that half eaten bag of goldfish crackers?

I know I'd struck gold when I saw that four people wrote the screenplay. THE RELIC is about a box of contaminated leaves that gets sent to a museum and the monster that wants to eat those leaves but will eat people's brains instead if he can't. I'm sure the book it's based on is more complicated than that but that's of no concern to me now. SIZEMORE is a cop with hokey cop dialogue, MILLER is a evolutionary biologist who takes her heels off when necessary and LINDA HUNT is the no nonsense head of the museum who gets laughs by cursing and firing people when shit goes down. There's even a nemesis character of MILLER'S who acts all snidely throughout until he's chomped on and, as if God really does love me, AUDRA LINDLEY shows up as a coroner in need of a drummer to punctuate her observations with rimshots. I pray that some day I stumble across a decapitated corpse so that I can steal her joke, "Don't you hate people who take head and don't give it?" If only there was a way to know which of writers involved was responsible for that! That's just too rich!

THE RELIC comes courtesy of director PETER HYAMS who somehow directed both OUTLAND and STAY TUNED. It's got a unique look to it as there are a zillion light flares hitting the camera and it could actually be the darkest movie ever made this side of HUMONGOUS. I found that resisting the darkness got me nowhere, so I decided to embrace it and then ended up pleased. People's faces just dissolve into the scenery and sometimes you get the sense that you are either going blind or your T.V. is on the fritz. Still, not being able to quite make everything out adds a kind of nightmare quality too. VHS and standard DVD probably did this joint little favors but this shit's slick in HD. I recall thinking that the creature effects were too vague when I first saw this in the theater but they seem much more solid now. Ironically, but not surprisingly, the more showy CGI work holds up less well than STAN WINSTON's practical interpretations. There's a show-stoppy galloping beast on fire bit that looks borderline terrible now but it's hard for me to care when the movie is so much fun.

THE RELIC is a wonderfully flawed disaster movie throwback, a drive-in monster on the loose flick hiding in the trunk of a big budget epic. The disaster elements, which include panicked folks trampling over each other to escape the mayhem and a group trudge through a dank subterranean tunnel that recalls THE POSIEDON ADVENTURE are hysterically engaging even as the film pushes a near two-hour running time. Whatever borderline ludicrousness curbed this films reputation back in the day only serves to make it that much more entertaining now. This is exactly how cheese should age my friends and I'm kinda surprised that a film released in the wiseacre late nineties is this level of puppy dog eighties adorable. I'm very happy I woke up and found it waiting for me. You don't have to turn off your entire brain to enjoy it, just the part of your brain that ruins everything!