kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Alternatives to The Strangers: Chapter 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I try to see every horror movie that is theatrically released in my hood but I’m afraid I’m going to have to skip THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 2. I had planned to keep an open mind but how can I ignore the writing on the wall? I really didn’t like the previous effort and word on the street is that this stab is even worse than the first! I just can’t do it. Maybe I’ll watch it at home eventually but it doesn’t seem worthy of a $3 subway trip or the general discomfort of going outdoors. So here is a list of a few similarly themed horror movies I’d prefer to watch instead…

Let’s start with the worship worthy wonder that is THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (2018). How do you make a sequel even more ferociously unforgettable than its predecessor? The formula is simple, add neon lights and eighties music! It’s not rocket science! Spooky as hell and way more re-watchable than the first, this fun and feral sequel can stand strongly on its own. This baby provides a perfect template springboard for what could have been a solid trilogy. Tragically, the perfect baton pass set-up was ignored in favor of backtracking dilution.

2014’s THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN is a meta-happy relaunch done right (full review HERE). The atmosphere is impeccable, it enhances rather than repeats the OG’s mythology and it even features horror legend Veronica Cartwright!

If it’s anonymous lunatics you’re looking for, you can’t beat the horrific stylings of 2001’s JOYRIDE and its intimidating antagonist “Rusty Nail”. I’ll even vouch for its two hyper violent, highly entertaining WRONG TURN-esque straight to video sequels JOYRIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD and JOYRIDE 3.

Not sure why few ever speaks of IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE from 1998 because to me, it’s the scariest home invasion flick I can think of. Muse Watson of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER fame loses the Gordon’s fisherman look and is all the scarier for it in this traumatizing nightmare scenario flick.

If its creepy masks you’re looking for, can I interest you in OUT OF THE DARK (’88)’s Bobo the clown? I realize killer clowns are a dime a dozen these days but this particular lunatic is preoccupied with terrorizing phone sex workers who work for Karen Black! Perfect late night cable eighties sleaze that can even boast featuring the last role of everybody’s favorite harbinger of good taste, Divine!

I’ve gleaned from the trailer that the new STRANGERS will at least partially take place in a hospital, a place where many other horror movie aftermath sequels occur. Consider the legendary warning against tampered treats and bad wigs known as HALLOWEEN II ('81) or Rob Zombie’s misunderstood deep dive into PTSD of the same name! May I also suggest the creepy Canadian stalk-athon VISITING HOURS (’82) and my personal favorite, the chilly & thrill-y Norwegian horror continuation COLD PREY II (2008) which is nearly every bit as good as its dynamic parent film.

If it’s resourceful gals stalked in a limited setting you’re in the mood for there’s always the campus Christmas calamity KRISTY (2009), the holiday parking lot suspenser P2 (2007), the Halloween (’78) precursor FRIGHT (’71) featuring a young Susan George (full review HERE) and the made for TV pulse pounder THE VICTIM starring Elizabeth Montgomery. Director Mike Flanagan delivers HUSH (2016), a slightly aggravating but always nail-biting modernized ode to the classic WAIT UNTIL DARK (’67).

Finally, I would be remiss to not throw some respect toward THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 2 director Renny Harlan. Although he helms the ill conceived assumed fiasco, I can’t begrudge the guy a paycheck and I have to admit he has delivered worthwhile entertainment in the past. He’s given us fine action flicks with DIE HARD 2 (’90) and CLIFFHANGER (’93) , a respectable ELM STREET sequel with PART 4: THE DREAM MASTER (’88), an awesome shark flick in DEEP BLUE SEA (’99), the snowy found footage jaunt DEVIL’S PASS (2013) and perhaps his greatest achievement, the excellent LONG KISS GOODNIGHT (’96) ! He’s dipped in the hack pool a few times (see pot boiler yawn machine EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING (2004) ) but hey, every creative person knows that not every endeavor taken is going to work out exactly as planned. So, no hard feelings sir and if it helps, I think legendary box-office bomb CUTTHROAT ISLAND (’95) is actually sorely underrated.

The Conjuring & The Long Walk

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The central spine of THE CONJURING universe comes to some closure but lets not kid ourselves, this consistently lucrative horror franchise will likely outlive us all. THE CONJURING: LAST RITES is mostly a sentimental spotlight not on the real life supernatural investigators Ed & Lorraine Warren but of the indisputable chemistry between stars Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson. It’s not the best in the series (that would be part 2 imo) nor is it the worst (part 3 is decent enough, but possession via water bed is a hard sell). If you’re looking for an in-depth exploration of the famous Pennsylvania Smurf haunting you may want to stick with the (highly kindertraumatic) 1991 Sally Kirkland/Robert Mandel TV movie THE HAUNTED but then you’d be missing out on saying farewell to two of the best horror heroes to ever hit the screen. Sure, the real Warrens may have been problematic on a multitude of levels but their scrubbed up, cinematic counterparts are charming and admirable and geez, I’m going to miss them (until they inevitably pop up again).

Much like THE JETSONS, the Warrens have a daughter named Judy (currently portrayed by Mia Tomilson). After nearly dying at birth thanks to a haunted mirror, Judy has grown to be plenty psychic like her mother which leads to many a creepy vision and CGI laden hallucination. Her parents have cooled down their ghost busting thanks to Ed’s SANFORD AND SON-level heart problems and now give lectures to scoffing college students. What could get these two cooing lovebirds back into the demon occupied trenches? After a friendly priest hangs himself, daughter Judy is psychically drawn to the haunted Smurf residence and her folks begrudging assist. Eventually they learn their least favorite evil haunted mirror resides in the Smurl’s attic having somehow escaped a garbage truck and it still has an axe to grind with the Warrens’ name on it ( having been a lame communion gift to one of the Smurl daughters from her grandparents. Who gifts a severely cracked mirror?). “Based on a True Story” is pushed to extremes as the flick plays fast and loose with the so-called facts. No surprise there, but much of the interesting eccentricities of the Smurl tale are jettisoned as well. It makes sense that things are streamlined and surely elements like the poltergeist rape of Mr. Smurl could damper the proceedings but a lot of what makes the Smurl haunting memorable is rendered routine by the witting down process. I guess what I’m saying is I could have used a ghost pilgrim like the ones depicted in the aforementioned TV movie. Ghost pilgrims are scary. Instead we get sorta a cowpoke Marilyn Manson.

All in all, I did indeed enjoy THE CONJURING: LAST RITES partly because I’m bonkers for both Farmiga & Wilson and partly because I’ve endured much more aggravating “final” installments in my lifetime (looking at you FREDDY’S DEAD & HALLOWEEN ENDS). Director Michael Chaves is no James Wan but he’s a Wan approved, reasonable enough facsimile. The cinematography is rich and uses amorphous darkness to great effect and sound design is perpetually persuasive. You know what? Corny as it may sound (cue Elvis’ singing “I can’t Help Falling in Love With You”), I even got a little teary -eyed at the end which nicely high-fives earlier installments.

THE CONJURING universe offers a far-fetched fabricated reality where love and light always wins against the powers of darkness and it’s a nice break to hang in such a spiritually clear and balanced dimension even if it’s for just a little while. It may be far from accurate, but so is much of recorded human history and at least this spookshow has it’s heart in the right place. Innovation is AWOL but that’s fine by me, it sticks the landing, doesn’t rock the boat and ties up affairs snugly while always understanding the central love story is just as vital as the scares to fans of the franchise. Furthermore, because this movie takes place in 1986, I was happily subjected to the musical stylings of eighties titans THE CULT, HOWARD JONES and most importantly, ROMEO VOID. What’s not to love about that?

I was kinda dragging my feet when it came to seeing the new Stephen King adaptation (originally published under his pseudonym Richard Bachman) THE LONG WALK because although it looked intriguing, it was also giving depressing bummer vibes. Turns out yep, it is an ordeal and it is sad and there’s something extra dismal about a “dystopian” film that feels like not much of a stretch at all. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great movie that is sure to become a cult favorite in years to come that beautifully points out the possibility of humanity amidst inhumane conditions but it’s harrowing as heck especially if you are someone who is sensitive to the anguish of Judy Greer.

THE LONG WALK offers the too plausible scenario of life in America becoming so financially impossible that young men are willing to enter a contest where they could win a ton of money if they happen to be the last one standing in a trek where if you fall behind or don’t keep the pace, you’re killed. It’s sorta like Shirley Jackson’s THE LOTTERY meets THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON’T THEY? The odd thing is, as much as this horror fan lives to see people chased by chainsaws, punctured by gardening tools (not to mention shish-kebabs) and torn to shreds by aliens, I’m really not down with having to see folks shot in the head at regular intervals. It’s a lot. There’s also the horrifying element of the participants in this survival contest not being allowed proper bathroom breaks which I am pretty sure would have me tapping out super early if ever in the situation.

Director Francis (CONSTANTINE, I AM LEGEND) Lawrence does an excellent job of making sure what could have been a monotonous slog stays engaging throughout and cinematographer Jo Willems (30 DAYS OF NIGHT) beautifully captures the rustic melancholy side of the country which feels forgotten and swept under the rug. The film’s strongest suit though, is its actors. Cooper Hoffman (the late Philip Seymour’s son!) Is excellent as Raymond who throws his hat into the ring to avenge his father (Josh Hamilton) who was executed for sharing banned materials and to make life easier on his poor mom (the aforementioned and always welcome Greer). David Jonsson who recently impressed in ALIEN: ROMULUS, plays Pete, a guy whose newly formed friendship and support of Raymond is the brightest spot in this glum and pessimistic vision. Mark Hamill plays comeuppance baiting, empty platitude barking villain “The Mayor” so well that I thought he was Brian Cox until Imdb schooled me otherwise (He’s really come a long way since his breakout role in CORVETTE SUMMER)! Ultimately, THE LONG WALK is the cinematic equivalent of doom scrolling so I don’t recommend it for slumber party fun but it’s well crafted, well acted and poignant enough to easily carry the viewer past the finish line.

Weapons, Together & Alien: Earth

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Early the other morning before I was even fully awake, I went into my backyard to feed a stray cat that hangs out there. The back gate is chained shut but loosely so that the cat (Cookie) can come to and fro. As I was dispensing the goods, the gate clanked loudly as someone tried to open it and that someone shoved her grizzled, overly made-up shrunken apple head through the crack as best she could and screeched “Please sir, can I run through your house? My husband is chasing me!”. It was a hard “No” from yours truly as I advised her to run out the alley instead. Not sure what kind of danger the nightmare hag was in, but she scared the living crap out of me and reminded me of that terrifying scene in Dave Lynch’s MULHOLLAND DR. (2001) involving the heart attack inducing alleyway dumpster entity. I bring this up because Zach (BARBARIAN) Cregger’s latest horror flick WEAPONS basically told MULHOLLAND to hold its beer and delivered similar hag-tastic jolts to my unprepared psyche on a multitude of occasions. I’m a quiet movie watcher but this flick actually made me gasp out loud at one point which would have been embarrassing if half the entire theater didn’t do the same.

I don’t even know where to begin with non-linear WEAPONS, except to say it’s masterful and chilling and wonderfully unpredictable. It’s absolutely ferocious in places and insanely funny in others. It’s endlessly intriguing and haunting and bizarre and feels like a communal nightmare that can be interpreted infinite ways (personally, I was struck by what seemed like an allegory about older generations stifling and holding back younger ones, but the director says he was mostly inspired by his traumatic childhood dealing with parents numbed by alcohol). There’s a consistent compelling push and pull between a grounded reality and a completely insane, otherworldly supernatural force and although it may go too far into the surreal for some, I thought it balanced the two tones splendidly. The acting is phenomenal; Julia Garner as a flawed, ostracized teacher under public scrutiny, Josh Brolin as a father looking for answers, Benedict Wong as a principal trying to keep order (and enjoy hot dogs) and Austin Abrams as a junkie just looking for some cash, all excel. The real scene stealer though is the great Amy Madigan as you’ve never seen her before and perhaps would rather not see her again, who makes Ruth Gordon’s Minnie Castevet from ROSEMARY’S BABY seem like a slacker. Naysayers are going to nay say but much like that crazy lady trying to get through my gate, WEAPONS got me and got me good. I’m painting “instant classic” on the side of its car with blood red paint.

TOGETHER stars real life couple Dave Franco and Alison Brie as co-dependent city folk who start a new life in a small town and find themselves literally fusing together after a run in with contaminated water. The acting is fine, it’s assuredly directed and there’s a few decent enough gross-out shocks every once in awhile but to tell you the truth, I wasn’t feeling it and it left me shrugging. All is serviceable enough but once the sub-Cronenberg melding shenanigans begin there’s really only one direction things can go so it’s just a progression of body horror gags that get progressively worse until finally the ultimate culprit is revealed to be the currently trendy scapegoat… a secret cult (Legit concern all things considered, but getting to be a too convenient catch-all explanation as of late)! I get why one might find this critic-baiting relationship skewering wannabe arthouse flick of note, but I found it predictable (an early mention of the SPiCE GIRLS simply had to lead to an eventual climax involving the song “2 Become 1”) and even borderline judgmental at times (it’s like they’re being punished because the wife is the breadwinner and the husband is pursuing financially iffy dreams of being a musician). I’ve loved worse but it’s a bit of a slog to reach the rather goofy looking sight gag conclusion.

I’ve been literally counting down the days until the premiere of the new TV series ALIEN: EARTH in a way that may be courting clinical obsession. And I was nervous. Would it be a pleasant surprise like ROMULUS or a bundle of missed opportunities like COVENANT? Well, if the first two episodes are any indication it looks like we are in for something extraordinary and far from the usual retread. The plot involves a zoo-like ship carrying a variety of specimens that crashes into a major metropolitan city and the horrific, alien infested clean up that ensues. There’s much creativity and world building on display, the characters are interesting and the levels of action and most importantly, horror are undeniable. Like ROMULUS, a sibling relationship appears to be the emotional core but unlike ever before we are introduced to a young human character who for health reasons, has her consciousness transported to an older synthetic body potentially leading to some fresh and fascinating territory. Even better news is that the score is pitch perfect, the savage xenomorphs have rarely looked more solid and intimidating and many more fantastic creatures are being introduced. I may end up with lingering nightmares due to the fate of a certain cat but so far, this slick, surprisingly cinematic and cerebral series appears to be everything ALIEN fans have been hoping for and then some.

I Know What You Did Last Summer (2025)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I feel for the deranged fisherman with a hook in the latest ‘90s horror legacy sequel I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER cuz I relate to being incapable of getting over the past and I sorta want revenge for the injuries this flick inflicted upon me; most notably, extreme whiplash thanks to the drastic highs and lows it delivers. On one hand, it gifts a true magical mid-way sequence of such wonderful surreality that it’s destined for legendary status and on the other hand, some of the fireworks it attempts to ignite turn out to be lead balloons. For every delightful character there’s an irksome one, for every savage kill there’s a limp dispatch, for every perfectly constructed callback to the original, there’s a cringe-worthy ham-handed pander grenade. I’m saying it’s a bit uneven. Chef’s kiss in some areas and lunch lady slop in others. I’m not mad though, it’s a summer slasher revamp of a right place at the right time hit that always lived in the shadow of SCREAM so expectations deserve to be kept in check. I do admire its sheer audacity even if its wheels are a tad wobbly at times.

Again a group of friends are left with a moral dilemma after some dubious vehicular choices. Sadly, this time around the propelling accident is hardly their fault (imo) lessening the horror and the group are fine but hardly as charismatic as the classic crew. Par for the course, threatening notes are received, interesting characters are slain too early (RIP freaky true crime podcaster Tyler (Gabbriette Bechtel)) and Scooby Doo level detective work ensues. Maybe I’m just an old curmudgeon (scratch the maybe) but even though I understand it’s imperative to the plot, the switch from highly textured and atmospheric working class surroundings to a glossy, angular LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS backdrop takes it’s toll. There’s a certain amount of relatability that’s lost but maybe that’s just my feeling of disconnect to the intended generation Z audience. The elements that unnerved me in the original like that shady cameo by Anne Heche and the smelly trunk full of crabs are replaced by shiny churches, glass mansions and lame engagement parties. I gotta say though, I did dig the pop music playlist in this one more than the original so maybe I’m not quite dead yet.

As far as my fellow old-timers go, I enjoyed seeing Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt) transform from a wispy whiner to a wise, level headed, no more F’s to give, trauma-expert and doe-eyed pup Roy (Freddy Prinze Junior) becoming a rough around the edges paternal salt of the earth bar-owner. On the down side, some of the editing leaps all over the place making it feel like there were important connective scenes excised. Without getting into spoilers, some of the murders leave gasp-worthy visual aftermaths and some come across as tame enough for MURDER SHE WROTE’s Cabot Cove. There’s nothing here remotely as thrilling as the Helen Shivers (Sarah Michelle Gellar) stalking scene in the OG but there’s nothing as eye-rolling as STILL’s “Ben’s Son/Benson” reveal either. The killer reveal here is going to be divisive for sure but I’m OK with it as it amounted to some extra scene-chewing for all involved. Ultimately, this is an OK enough fast food diversion even if some of the almost non-human dialogue may leave you scratching your head afterwards. If nothing else, this earnest (director /co-writer Jennifer Kaytin Robinson is clearly a fan) salute to the original hit and its middling sequel (we as a society have collectively decided the third never happened) delivers one absolutely gonzo scene that felt like a hug from the slasher gods and an amusing coda that could be a springboard for more. It’s a cruel, so-so summer but there are enough bright spots to make the trip worthwhile.

Five Underrated: Made For TV True Crime Edition By Mickster

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Deadly Intentions (1985)-Michael Biehn is absolutely terrifying as sadist Dr. Charles Raynor who physically and mentally torments his new wife Katherine, played by Madolyn Smith. When I originally saw this film, I had already watched The Terminator (1984) and viewed Michael Biehn as a good guy, so I was astounded by how creepy and unhinged he was. Here are the most vivid moments in this two-part true crime movie: Dr. Raynor’s sick obsession with photographing his wife in terrifying/upsetting situations is disturbing—inadvertently swimming with an alligator, accidentally encountering a spider while on a ladder, and violent morning sickness…To make it worse, he enjoys looking at these photos on a projector in his makeshift attic “office.” After the baby is born and Katherine figures out he tried to poison the newborn, her escape from Raynor is a master class in building tension. Unfortunately, you can only find this one on YouTube, and it looks like it was ripped from a VHS copy. Even with the low quality print, it is definitely worth checking out.

Helter Skelter (1976)-Steve Railsback is Charles Manson in this unsettling adaptation of Vincent Bugliosi’s true crime classic, Helter Skelter. I discovered the true crime novel the summer before my sophomore year of high school (1986). My best friend’s mom had a paperback copy. I became obsessed with the story. It both fascinated and horrified me. I remember having nightmares about it and being nauseated by the descriptions of the crime scenes, but I couldn’t stop reading it. My favorite hometown video store had the two-part TV movie on VHS. It was like reliving the experience of reading the book for the first time, but it felt like I was watching the real Charles Manson thanks to Railsback’s phenomenal performance. Nancy Wolfe is equally effective as Manson’s minion, Susan Atkins. Her nonchalant description of the Tate murders sent chills down my spine! It is ridiculous that this film is not available to stream anywhere. There are a few clips over on YouTube, but that is it. It is still available on DVD at Amazon.

The Deliberate Stranger (1986)-Mark Harmon is so effective as the “sadistic sociopath” Ted Bundy that it took me years not to be utterly repulsed by him no matter what role he was playing. I vividly remember watching this two-part film when it originally aired on NBC, May 4-5, 1986. The depiction of the abduction of two different women in broad daylight at Lake Sammamish State Park really emphasizes Bundy’s overconfidence and compulsion to kill. As with Helter Skelter, this one is only available on DVD & VHS. There are some clips on YouTube, but it is not streaming anywhere.

To Catch a Killer (1992)-Oh my goodness, Brian Dennehy as John Wayne Gacy, in this made for TV gem, is pure nightmare fuel. Much like the other movies on this list, graphic violence is not necessary to leave viewers feeling completely unnerved. Dennehy, in Gacy’s clown makeup, will haunt your dreams as will scenes where young men are tricked into putting on handcuffs, only to realize too late it was a deadly mistake. Currently, there is a good copy of this two-part movie on YouTube. As far as I can tell, it is the only place you can find it.

Hotline (1982)-Okay, this one isn’t based on a real serial killer, but I’m including it because I think this movie fueled my fascination with serial killers. I was eleven years old when I watched this on CBS—October of 1982. I’m quite certain I wanted to watch primarily because I loved Wonder Woman when I was little. The killer’s reveal in this movie stuck with me, so when I recently watched it on Tubi (Yay, Tubi!), I wanted to see if it was obvious to me early on who the “Barber” was (the killer is dubbed “The Barber” because he cuts his victim’s hair before killing them). While there are several “red herrings” throughout the movie, the real “Barber” was a shocker. Lynda Carter’s character, Brianne, starts receiving creepy calls at a crisis hotline giving clues to unsolved murders. The calls become more invasive as she deciphers the clues. The Barber whispers to Brianne, “Barber, barber, shave a pig. Lovely hairs will make a wig!" This movie held up years later, and I highly recommend going over to Tubi to check it out.

28 Years Later & M3gan 2.0

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Director Danny Boyle and writer/director Alex Garland have collaborated once again to deliver 28 YEARS LATER a sequel to 2002’s 28 DAYS LATER and its 2007 continuation 28 WEEKS LATER and the result is well worth the wait. 12 year old Spike (newcomer Alfie Williams) lives with his parents in a gated survivalist community. His mother Ilsa (Jodie Comer) is bed bound and often delusional thanks to an unknown sickness and his father Jamie (Aaron Taylor Johnson) is preoccupied with Spike’s impending young adulthood and ability to kill the infected rage virus victims that roam the countryside like zombies. Dad Jamie takes Spike on an ill advised right of passage hike outside of their safe zone where he learns of the different types of infected, from bloated worm eating slug people who squirm around in the mud to the oversized, highly dangerous, uber-endowed, semi-intelligent “Alphas” who lead crazed packs of rampaging marauders. Spike also learns of ostracized doctor Ian Kelson (Ralph Fiennes) who he imagines might be able to help his mother. After barely returning home alive, Spike witnesses revelatory incidents of his father being disloyal and untruthful and disillusioned, takes his ailing mother back out into the perilous (yet wonderfully scenic) countryside to find the doctor.

28 YEARS LATER is a breath of fresh air both as a sequel that compliments its predecessors and as an apocalyptic “zombie” flick in general (the 28 series may not actually be “zombie” tales but they certainly have influenced them, especially considering the popularity of TV series like THE WALKING DEAD & THE LAST OF US). It’s beautifully crafted, with excellent gritty cinematography (by OG 28’s Anthony Dod Mantle), includes innovative sound design, great music and the entire cast is top notch (particularly the lead family trio). Surprisingly, this horrific nightmare scenario also has a great deal of heart and possesses a sincere interest in respecting life, death and nature itself (most apparent via a cameo by the famous Sycamore gap tree which was tragically felled by 2 jerks in 2023) There are also moments of biting gallows humor and a wild absurdist streak that insures you won’t leave the theater bummed out of your mind. Not everyone will be on board for this crazy flicks tonal grenade conclusion (Note: I recommended this movie to my horror loving niece and she hated it) but I was thankful for the dose of lunacy after such a hearty, heavy trek. 28 YEARS is the first part of a trilogy (the second installment is already shot and will be released early next year) and I have to say I’m excited for whatever off the wall capriciousness comes next.

M3GAN 2.0 gilds the lily and then some, transforming a routine science gone wrong/killer doll horror tale into something more like a mash up of TERMINATOR 2 and MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. The result is a sometimes fun, sometimes headache inducing action comedy with only a few wires still connected to the horror genre. I won’t bore you with the avalanche of technobabble this movie asks its audience to endure, just know that the fashionable, sometimes murderous AI entity M3gan is back and this time she’s rebooted to fight another robot on the fritz who means to destroy the world via a mainframe computer that looks like leftovers from a BUCK ROGERS set. There’s tons of action and POWER RANGERS-esque fighting, many a double cross, and a bunch of heavy on the camp one-liners but it all mostly comes across as a directionless brainstorming session and I couldn’t help missing the original films uncanny, creepy undercurrent. Heck, I don’t even think the titular doll looks half as convincing in this so-called upgrade. It’s an amusing movie for sure, and I suppose it does have something to say about motherhood and its connection to our responsibility toward the growth of technology but nothing really convinces or seems like anything more than a jest. It all just feels like too much and too soon; sort of like directly following the original FRIDAY THE 13th ('80) with JASON X ('02).

None of this is the fault of Allison Williams who once again portrays M3gan’s sparring partner Gemma, who is able to participate in the action in a fresh new way even when burdened with unwieldy dialogue. She may be the only relatable character in the movie, especially at the moment when she shuts down M3gan’s impromptu interpretation of Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work” and yes, you read that correctly. It’s a memorable yet cringe-worthy scene that works as a good reminder that some originals just can’t be topped and if it’s not broke, why fix it?

Five Underrated: By Unk

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Summer is here and the time is right for hitting the great outdoors… but vicariously through a TV set because it’s way too hot to step outside. Nightmare road trips are a horror staple so here are a few underrated flicks about folks who live to regret going where they shouldn’t have gone…

ANIMAL (2014) surely could have used a more distinctive title but I can’t be mad at a movie that delivers fine monster design, impressive practical effects, a committed cast (which includes future NOPE star Keke Palmer, CHASING AMY’s Joey Lauren Adams and Thorsten Kaye of SHARK ATTACK 2) and generous gore. It’s a monster movie AND a “Cabin in the woods” jaunt and I dig that it is simple, up front, streamlined and refreshingly straightforward. Some might prefer a little more explanation as to how, why or what the formidable creature is but I’m just going to assume its the offspring of the beloved mercury mutant(s) that wrecked havoc in John Frankenheimer’s PROPHECY (’79) and consider it an unofficial sequel. Extra bonus points for the Tomandandy (THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (’02), THE HILLS HAVE EYES (’06) THE STRANGERS (’08)) score!

THE MONSTER (2016) is written and directed by Bryan Bertino who did the same duties with THE STRANGERS (’08) but it takes a completely different nerve shredding path to provoke anxiety. Rather than fears of home invasion being stoked, this movie reminds ya how leaving your safe space is fraught with multiple dangers as well. As a card carrying agoraphobe, the hackneyed “car breaks down in the middle of nowhere’ scenario works on me all too well and the additional burden of having to look after someone else only adds to the unease. Here, a young mother with substance abuse issues (Zoe Kazan) is driving her teenage daughter to her dad’s house for her co-custody visit. The car hits a wolf and the two are stranded in the woods awaiting help with more than a few familial issues to iron out and something much worse than any canine on their tail. This one was released by A24 so you know it’s moody, determined to play with audience expectations, and not necessarily always a popcorn crowd-pleaser but Kazan delivers a harrowing performance and Bertino knows how to inject depth and tension to every hairy turn.

PRIMAL (2010) is an Australian mash-up of horror sub-genres that’s action packed, super kinetic and wonderfully grotesque. We’re in familiar territory from the get-go as a group of friends are on a road trip to study some cave art and sadly learn that said cave art is actually a warning for them to stay as far away as humanly possible (due to the tiny insects that can eat the tires off your car, the contaminated leech filled pond that can turn you into a feral fang toothed maniac, and the plethora of mysterious tentacles). If Cronenbergian contagion body horror is your bag you’re sure to be RABID (’77) for what comes next and if you dig possession flicks like DEMONS (’85) & THE EVIL DEAD (’81), or nature gone wacko flicks like THE RUINS (’08) you should feel right at home here too. Bad decisions abound and a few moments might be a little too slick for their own good but when this movie starts heading for the finish line it fires on all cylinders. The directing (and editing) by Josh Reed is refreshing and vivid, the cast is easy to hang with and the final girl-friendly finale is savage, off the wall, and utterly bizarre.

It’s back to Australia with DYING BREED (’08) a film that features not one but two legendary figures. I’m not talking about WOLF CREEK’S Nathan Phillips and writer, director Leigh Whannel who both star in the film, but a murderous cannibal known as “The Pieman” and the notorious Tasmanian tiger. Friends on a road trip (compete with multiple driving aerial shots, natch) travel into the wild in an attempt to complete their pal Nina( Mirrah Foulkes)’s deceased sister’s research involving an extinct marsupial who is rumored to still exist. They end up staying in a seedy backwoods hotel occupied by creepy, too friendly locals who turn out to be descendants of the dreaded “Pieman” and covertly keeping up the family legacy (by reheating Tobe Hooper’s non-vegan nachos). Triggering mayhem ensues on multiple levels & I’ll look past the (staged) animal cruelty because it fits the film’s survival of the fittest theme. There’s a WRONG TURN meets DELIVERANCE (’72) vibe that I just naturally find harrowing and an EDEN LAKE mean streak that bums me out in a way that I thoroughly respect. It’s a tension packed cannibal meat pie with more than a few surprise teeth baked into the dish.

Speaking of TCM, the sadly hard to find (check YouTube or Dailymotion) Indonesian blood soaked gorefest MACABRE (2009) deserves a lot more eyes on it. A group of victims, I mean friends, are driving to the airport (for a job offer in Australia no less) when they spot a young woman who seems stranded and lost. Not realizing you can never trust any other human in this life ever, they decide to play good Samaritan and drive her home. Ostensibly wanting to repay their kindness, she invites them in to meet her family leaving out the detail that her family is insane, kills folks on the regular, and sells the scraps to rich peeps who want to stay looking young (Main mama villain Shareefa Daanish is truly stunning so it’s clear the murder=Youth theory has got some merit). This movie rallies near DEAD ALIVE (’92)-level carnage with gusto as the group (which includes a very pregnant woman) try their hardest to escape the lunatic family while their numbers dwindle in the grisliest of ways fast. Who will survive and what will be left of them (spoiler: not many & not much!)?