kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Traumafessions :: Reader Grimpressions on Honeymoon Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Freddy Krueger didn't really scare me the first time I watched A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET when I was about 8 years old. I saw Freddy as more of a cartoon character than anything else. Maybe it was because he could change shape and had a wicked sense of humor. Don't get me wrong, I love ROBERT ENGLUND's acting, but I found him funnier than I did scary. There was another horribly-burned mangler that traumatized me, even though I wouldn't get to see him in action for over another decade, the killer from 1982's HONEYMOON HORROR.

My parents got their first video rental membership in the late '80s from a discount drug store called Phar-Mor. They were always trying to find a bargain so we ended up shopping there a lot. Their rental section was tiny, consisting of maybe a few hundred videos, but I remember it was usually swarming with people mainly trying to snatch the new releases. I spotted an empty video sleeve which had an illustration of a couple, in their underwear, sitting on a bed, surrounded by flames, and a guy with a hatchet looming over them. I picked it up and flipped to the back to be startled by a picture of a bald man that looked like the skin on his face was burned away.

I remember it looked like he was in pain, maybe because he resembled a normal person rather than a one-liner spitting maniac like Freddy. I couldn't really tell from the taglines on the box if this guy was supposed to be bad or good, but I gathered that he was the character with the hatchet on the front. The thought of being disfigured by fire scared me more than anything. Since the couple on the cover were in their underwear, there was no way my parents would let me rent it because that insinuated a possible sex scene or nudity which was off limits. Now if the couple who was about to be slaugtered were fully-clothed, that would've been a different story. I was too afraid to watch the movie anyway. I think we ended up renting GHOST DAD that day.

Everytime we went back to Phar-Mor, I 'd scan the entire section to find HONEYMOON HORROR. I would dare myself to pick up the box and check out the back. Half the time I'd chicken out. So when I found the VHS 12 years later in a bargain bin at a video store that was switching over to only renting DVDs, I was finally ready to face the terror. The movie was a sorry excuse for a slasher and wasn't interesting at all for the first hour. I fast-forwarded to the last ten minutes to when the scarred killer busts through and shatters a kitchen door to hack some girl up with and ax. Even though the gore effects were laughable, it was worth the 7 bucks I payed for this scene and to have the video box. He then gets his guts blown out with a shot gun by, who I assume was, the girl's lover. He had also killed a couple of other people before this scene, but his face isn't revealed until the last ten minutes. The best part is, he sits up and throws a knife into a guy's back from across the room for one final kill.

I read on IMDB that Sony Home Video bought the movie from its filmmakers' for $50,000, distributed it, and it made $22,000,000 on rentals world-wide. With the images on the sleeve I can believe it. I'd be surprised if anyone who actually watched it wasn't disappointed. HONEYMOON HORROR was a nice addition to my little video nasty collection. It's since been packed away in my Mom's basement and I haven't watched it for years. It's such a terrible film that I'm not sure it's worth digging up anytime soon.

—Grimpressions

The Beguiled

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Folks shouldn't forget to invite THE BEGUILED (1971) to the horror party. Just because nothing supernatural is going on and hardly anybody gets killed, doesn't mean it won't bring any bean dip. Directed by DON SIEGAL (INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS ‘56) and starring frequent collaborator CLINT EASTWOOD, THE BEGUILED spins a delicate, deleterious web adapting the southern gothic novel A PAINTED DEVIL by THOMAS CULLINAN. If you appreciate the ominous beauty of NIGHT OF THE HUNTER or the psychosexual undercurrent of THE INNOCENTS you should get along with this movie just fine. Its blade is sharp enough that you may not realize that you've been cut until the film is over.

EASTWOOD (in his prime, I must say) plays injured Yankee soldier John McBurney who is discovered and drug home by a young girl (ubiquitous seventies child star PAMELYN FERDIN.) He finds himself being nursed back to health in an all-girl Confederate school and, although the ladies present express their trepidation about allowing the enemy in, it may be he who should be apprehensive as their bedside manner ends up being more Annie Wilkes (MISERY) than Florence Nightingale. A handful of the women instantly establish designs upon McBurney and he, operating as a blank slate, allows them to project whatever they like upon him. It isn't long before romantic fantasies are clashing and colliding and amity is thrown to the curb. Events eventually come to such a head that manipulative "McBee" pays for his underestimation of the fury of a woman scorned with a rather symbolic and wince-worthy loss of an appendage.

EASTWOOD showcases murkier depth than is usually associated with him and the supporting players are equal to his best. GERALDINE PAGE, as headmistress Martha, is chilling in her self-deceptive rationalizing and RAPE SQUAD's JO ANN HARRIS plays the perfect pouty vixen. During my last viewing though, I came away more impressed than usual with ELIZABETH HARTMAN who portrays the fragile Edwina. Turns out the Academy Award nominee voiced Mrs. Brisby in THE SECRET OF NIMH and tragically took her own life in 1987. The way all of these characters are represented with their own inner voices and personal flashbacks is unusually keen. There are no specific bad guys here really, just a group of people whose motivations and aspirations don't mesh. Outside of the alarming operation scene, THE BEGUILED treads softly but the mood established is cozy-creepy and the film has a rather luxurious candle lit glow. No, the supernatural does not come out to play, but thanks to cinematographer BRUCE SURTEES (whom EASTWOOD would wisely borrow for his own PLAY MISTY FOR ME later the same year) the movie feels legitimately haunted anyway.

THE BEGUILED is precise in its understatement and it's one of those movies that refuses categorization and therefore tends to get lost in the shuffle. Perhaps too, it was difficult for audiences to except EASTWOOD as such a calculating character who uses his masculine charms to get his way. He's no mere "womanizer"; he blatantly exploits romantic expectations to his advantage and yet still evokes sympathy like a wounded bird. In any case, this is one of EASTWOOD's best performances and further indication of what a fine, thoughtful artist SIEGAL could be. With one foot in the lovely and one foot in the grotesque, THE BEGUILED may not be traditional horror fare but it if you ask me, it does fall into that smaller category of a "great film."

Traumafessions :: Reader Brian Katcher on The Visible Woman

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The Visible Woman is an exhibit you used to see in museums. It's a life-sized mannequin with transparent skin, so you can see her organs and skeleton. When I was about six, I was into the human body, so when we went to a museum, my dad took me to see this. We went into a small auditorium, where a real life woman stood next to the plastic one. When the chairs filled, we assumed she'd explain to us about the various organs.

Then the real woman walked back stage.

Then the lights went out.

Then the plastic woman's brain began to glow.

"This is my brain," said an eerie, disembodied voice.

That was enough for me. I began to cry. My dad, realizing how creepy this seemed to me, picked me up so we could leave.

AND THE DOOR WAS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.

This was so that no one would interrupt the presentation, and you exited through a different door. However, dad couldn't figure out how to leave without disturbing everyone, so I spent about ten minutes crouched in the corner, my eyes closed, covering my ears.

UNK SEZ: Thanks BRIAN, for the great traumafession! For more on author BRIAN KATCHER, visit his home base HERE! Painting above "Visible Woman" thanks to artist VICTOR RODRIGUEZ!

Star Crash

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Post-holiday poverty stricken and desolate, I had no right to be perusing the used Blu-ray aisle in one of the last remaining brick and mortar stores in Philadelphia but I did so anyway like a delusional Delta Dawn. Normally, I just carry items around for a while, with no intention to buy, wearing an invisible hair shirt and scolding myself for contemplating things made superfluous through Netflix streaming. Every junkie has his Achilles' heel though, and why did they have to put out that recent ROGER CORMAN collection on Blu-ray? I swore I'd stay away from the Blu-beast temptation but my PS3 slobbers karo syrup like a bullying VIDEODROME accomplice. I had to get me that copy of STAR CRASH because it was reasonably priced and I could skip a meal or rob a convenience store if I really put my mind to it.

You can't deny STAR CRASH's cast which includes both JOE SPINELL and CAROLINE MUNRO, before they starred in MANIAC, MARJOE GORTNER who, when I was a critter gave me serious heebie jeebies in EARTHQUAKE due to his crone mug, a still-sorta human seeming DAVID HASSELHOFF, and CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER acting as if he had taken a wrong turn somewhere and might as well make the best of it. PLUMMER may not be alone in his feeling that he showed up to the wrong party, Oscar winning composer JOHN BARRY (MIDNIGHT COWBOY) inexplicably lends his talents to the questionable cause. Up ‘till now I'd only seen STAR CRASH on an ancient VHS tape sporting murky stroganoff color schemes but I've always had a crush on its ludicrous nature and clunky stop motion animation. I point and guffaw when its pants fall down.

Well, I'm glad I dipped my cone into STAR CRASH's rainbow jimmies on Blu-ray because it sure as hell showed me what's what. Moments in, I realized that my eyeballs were about to get reamed. You want stars? Where STAR WARS offers stars in one lone color, STAR CRASH gives ya a whole assortment of glimmering lite-brite hues. As much as this movie gets labeled a rip-off of GEORGE LUCAS' blockbuster its mise en scène is more bargain basement BARBARELLA. I know I'm looking at a junk pile, but it's a junk pile of beautiful sparkling garbage. Oh and the special effects, they still suck but now they suck brilliantly. Now I know what to drive when my FLASH GORDON is in the shop. Anyone who has ever dived into a swimming pool filled with Gummi Bears will know exactly the sensation that this psycho slapdash space adventure provides.

What's it about? Um. Smugglers who hate cops and then don't and then encounter nudie Amazons and cave people and who have to save a prince? Something about red lava lamp dot monsters that float around and some torpedoes with soldiers hiding inside? I do comprehend that JOE SPINELL is the bad guy and he wants to wreck everything. If you like your robots there's a really awesome cowboy talking robot named Elle (JUDD HAMILTON, Executive producer of MANIAC) who gives Twiki from BUCK ROGERS a run for his money in the, "My head looks like a dildo" department. Yeah there's not much of a plot, just a series of sloppily strung together sci-fi vignettes with a major, semi-excellent battle with fake Lego looking spaceships at the end. Perhaps most confusing of all is PLUMMER's final speech, which I think amounts to, "Let's do this again sometime."

Director LOUIS COATES (aka LUIGI COZZI) would go on to frappe ALIEN next with the splatter-tastic goo explosion CONTAMINATON. I love this guy; he's in the business of making counterfeit Gucci handbags but insists on decorating them with a BeDazzler. Yes this was a wise investment after all, as I've watched it three times already playing it like one of those video fireplaces burning nonsense. STAR CRASH is terriblific and certainly not the worst STAR WARS rip-off ever made. (I think that honor belongs to THE PHANTOM MENACE.)

NOTE: I had no way of capturing screenshots from my Blu-Ray but if you'd like to see the glory I'm speaking of, I suggest checking out the images included with this impeccable review by GARY TOOZE over HERE!

Kinder-News:: Kindertrauma Nominated for "Best Fan Blog" By Total Film!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ:: Hey look at this! KINDERTRAUMA has been nominated for "Best Fan Blog" by TOTAL FILM. Many other fine blogs were nominated as well, including some of our bestest pals. We hate to grade-grub but we'll do it anyway, if you like what we do here give us a high five via a click vote! Thanks times a million for recognizing us TOTAL FILM and remember folks, vote for KINDERTRAUMA because we don't even want to go to college! Check out the ballot HERE!

Terminal Island (1973)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In the early days of the VHS tape, my family's video outlet was a glorified kiosk in the mall called "Stage Door Video." The horror section was about the size of a closet door and I'd be surprised if I didn't watch every one. The selection may have been limited but the memories of the movies I viewed via that joint are among my strongest and richest horror memories. I'm not sure if TERMINAL ISLAND really belonged in the horror section, it's more of an exploitation/action flick but the synopsis on the back of the box suggested something not unlike ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (although TI predates EFNY by 8 years) so I was more than game. You rolled the dice back then.

The premise of the movie involves the aftermath of the abolishment of the death penalty. Murderous criminals, rather than being jailed, are thrown on the titular island and left to fend for themselves. I only retained one memory of this film but it stuck to me like Velcro. A female prisoner seduces a male prisoner, applies honey to his junk and then grabs a stick, whacks a bee hive in a tree stump and chuckles as the bees swarm his private Benjamin. It really disturbed me. I couldn't tell you why a person (or a bee for that matter) would behave in such a way. The idea was atrocious.

I never saw TERMINAL ISAND again. I never stumbled across it in another video store and I like to think I covered those grounds like an obsessive archaeologist in my day. Recently I was informed by Amazon that TERMINAL was being released on DVD by CODE RED. I waited the allotted time to purchase a used copy and prepared to confront my tormentor head on. When the DVD arrived, I threw it in the machine in the spirit of a private dare and expected an onslaught of depravity. I wasn't looking for scares just SILKWOOD-shower inspiring psychological grime and garden-variety existential dread. What I wasn't expecting was a dragon with puppy eyes. TERMINAL ISLAND is not evil, it's nice.

Well, truth told it IS super violent, there's plenty of that almost pink-hued, seventies tempera-flavored blood flowing; axes pierce flesh, bullets and explosions rain, people are whipped and kept as sex slaves and political correctness is not even a glimmer in a schoolmarm's eye. Still, I was kind of shocked not by the rampant degeneracy but by the winking social commentary. I got this movie all wrong. Even the dreaded bee attack I came to find was not so much psychotically malicious as it was a deserved comeuppance. That lady even worked alongside her bee victim afterward toward a common goal (which is pretty forgiving considering all the attempted rape between them.) I won't wreck the ending but suffice to say, it's nearly golly-gee hopeful.

The island is a mad LORD OF THE FLIES meets BATTLE ROYALE microcosm overruled by grotesque, primitive "might makes right" ideology and the simple fact that the assholes outnumber the non-assholes. The many work as slaves for the few. (Could never happen!) That is until the last remaining women team up with a small band of tight-jeaned revolutionaries and they, using their superior brains, overthrow their oppressors by any means necessary. Here I was expecting to be all scandalized by this movie but I found myself instead enthralled, vaguely inspired and really happy when the bad murderers died and really sad when the good murderers died. It doesn't hurt that our heroes include a pre-MAGNUM P.I . TOM SELLECK and a post LOST IN SPACE , MARTA KRISTEN. In any case, if you fancy fisticuffs and have a soft spot for chika-chika- wow porn music here ya go; consider TI cloud nine. It's probably not everybody's incarcerated cup of T & A, but what the hell is?

Frankly, I'm most shocked that TERMINAL ISLAND is not more wildly notorious and that's not just my nostalgia-bias talking. Not only is it action packed and covertly clever but I found out it was directed by STEPHANIE ROTHMAN, a rare female exploitation director and the very first woman ever awarded a Directors Guild of America fellowship. It's nothing new to return to a KINDERTRAUMA after some time and discover that it's not quite the creature you left it. Usually it's lost some steam and its fangs have become dentures. In this atypical case, I have to say maturity is on my side because no, it's not the film I remember, it's better. In this case, my monster is now my friend because the years have taught me to take a peek beneath the camouflage tarp. I know now that just as sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, by the same token, sometimes a beehive is much more than a beehive. That lady with the honey wasn't crazy, she was pissed!

Kinder-News:: Kindertrauma Nominated for Hitchie!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Even though we can smell an elaborate prank that will result in pig's blood being dumped from a bucket onto our heads from a mile away, KINDERTRAUMA is infinity times grateful for being nominated by the one and only LOST HIGHWAY for a GOLDEN TRAILER HITCHIE award this year! To find out more about "The Hitchies" and to visit the many fine blogs who shall kick our humbled asses, travel YONDER!