UNK SEZ:: Best to watch in full screen! Thanks go to our Pal Mickster for sending these our way. As you might recall she had a "Name That Trauma!" concerning this record way back HERE!
Author: unkle lancifer
Best Worst Movie
I'm so not shocked that I enjoyed the heck out of BEST WORST MOVIE, the documentary about the fantastic fandom that grows like thick green moss around the movie TROLL 2. I mean really, the trailer alone left me ferklempt. I'm just a sucker for stories about trashed underdogs rising from the ashes plus, BEST WORST celebrates the type of enthusiasm for cinema that gets me all a giddy by proxy. TROLL 2 is certainly not the worst movie ever made but it could be the most lovably bizarre and it's comforting to know that such an awkward runt found a home with such a warm, blanketing crowd. Even if you're not a fan of the film you no doubt have your own facsimile, a movie that no matter how many people disparage you‘d still take a bullet for; some dumb dopey movie with big brown puppy dog eyes a' sparkling. (Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about CATHY'S CURSE)
Critics, naysayers, uptight haters and pretentious snobs are politely invited to bite it and bite it hard. The people have spoken and nobody wants to hear your bummer twaddle anymore. What is inspiring about BEST WORST MOVIE isn't the film TROLL 2 but what that film represents, the simple idea that love is in the eye of the beholder. I expected this movie to dish out the fuzzy feelings and it did, but it accomplishes that in the first half hour and then quite admirably it pushes further, it does a little more. Go, BEST WORST MOVIE, go!
Director (and star of the original train wreck) MICHAEL STEPHENSON has made a legitimate documentary here and not a vanity piece. He's smart enough to know to step aside and allow a bigger picture to unfold. TROLL 2 is a weirdo magnet and I mean that in the best possible way. There are so many satellite stories and interesting characters jumping about that I pity the fool who had to select scenes to drop on the cutting room floor.
DR. GEORGE HARDY who played the father in the original has got to be the most affable guy on Earth, a dream(?) hybrid of JIM J. BULLOCK and FLASH GORDON's SAM JONES. He's impossible not to like, even as he bristles at horror fans at a convention and admits that they make him want to repeatedly wash his hands. On the opposite side of the fence from HARDY's wild gregariousness is MARGO (who are the Goblins?) PREY who played the mother in T2. MARGO has gone all SHIRLEY JACKSON and crashed down somewhere between GREY GARDENS and yours truly. Yes, she's a shut-in with cat posters hanging on the wall and she's eleven hundred types of awesome.
What makes BWM really special and more than worthy of an Oscar nom for best doc is the fact that it catches a spectrum of different interpretations of its subject matter. It would have been easy to just focus on the fluffy fandom but beyond its RASHOMON recognitions of the actual creation of the film, BWM tells us something true about art in general as its meaning, worth and identity fluctuates depending on who you ask. The director believes he has captured Americana, the writer is convinced that she has created an indictment against vegetarians, HARDY gets that it's funny but doesn't seem to understand to whom it may be funny to and PREY, glorious PREY, with the delusional certainty of a TENNESSEE WILLIAMS heroine, likens TROLL 2 to CASABLANCA. Like any great documentarian STEPHENSON gives all of these visions unbiased attention and the final result ends up telling us more about how we all live in our own conjured realities than it does about the fictional town of NILBOG.
In other words don't be fooled by how fun this movie is it to watch, not only does it reveal something reaffirming about film fandom in general but it also ends up suggesting something astute about the human experience. We all live in universes of our own creation when it comes right down to it and in my universe TROLL 2 resembles CASABLANCA more and more with each passing year.
NOTE: Visit BEST WORST MOVIE at its official home right over HERE!
Kinder-Pix:: Pumpkin Parade 2010!
It's been one week since Halloween split town so I went out to photograph all the dead pumpkins it left in its wake. I was hoping for shots of rotting and mushed old timer faces, but all these guys look pretty good. Are they using more preservatives in pumpkins this year or is life just less rotten in general?
ALSO:: For the love of Skeletor, what is it with you folks who put pumpkins on your doorsteps and don't carve them? What is that? How can you look at a pumpkin and not shove a butcher knife into it? I know they rot when you cut into them, that's the point!
For last year's rotting pumpkin parade do the right thing and press HERE.
Kinder-Flix:: The Eggs-O-Cist!
Note: This is too amazing. Thanks to FATHER OF TEARS for inspiring me to google ANITRA FORD and THE PRICE IS RIGHT!
Seven from the Seventies
You all know I'm a dyed in the Huxtable wool sweater eighties kid, but lately I've fallen into a slippery seventies rabbit hole. I've always appreciated some seventies cinema but for some reason (is it your doing EATEN ALIVE?), I've recently been finding that decade's films exceptionably pleasurable to watch. One explanation for my revved up affection might be the fact that many of these films were never properly presented all cleaned up and in their proper ratios until now. The truth is though; I've ended up digging through boxes of scraggily VHS tapes as well, so it may be something more.
Overall, seventies movies just feel so darn earthy and natural compared to the films that came after them and they have a laid back, "I'll get there when I get there" stride that I admire. Furthermore, they're not as hung up and social mores and they tend to be less sycophantic towards the audience. They take a certain pride in going against the grain and they're oblivious to political correctness. Plus, people looked human back then.
So allow me to throw out a quick list of seven films from the grooviest of decades that I think should not be allowed to fall between the floorboards. I know there's plenty, plenty more but there's no way I'm going to be able to fit them all in one post. I figure seven is a good number to start out with and we'll hit the rest in a bit. If the me decade has taught me anything it is just to relax and go with the flow (and also don't hitchhike).
BLOOD AND LACE (1971)
I wrote about BLOOD AND LACE very recently but it deserves another shout out. It's certainly not without its flaws (that darn soundtrack!) but overall it's a unique story driven shocker that's not afraid to get ugly and name names. GLORIA GRAHAM as the twisted and abusive orphanage overlord Mrs. Deere proves that the facade of normalcy can be just as frightening as any rubber mask. Remarkably ahead of its time, the film's final revelations hammer its cynical point of view home.
TOWER OF EVIL (1972)
I first became aware of this British production when it confused the hell out me by appearing in a newspaper ad in the early eighties as BEYOND THE FOG. How was I to know that it wasn't an official sequel to JOHN CARPENTER's movie and was just an older film with an altered title cashing in on that film's recent success? When I finally got a chance to check it out decades later I was expecting the worst and instead found myself rather impressed. The foggy atmosphere is old school, the kills are new school and its crappy sets, funky blue screens and kooky semi-nude BUGALOOS in hell wardrobe somehow only add to its bizarre psychedelic charm.
THE BELL FROM HELL (1973)
It's impossible not to be intrigued by this movie's weird history. The director actually died on the last day of filming by falling from the tower that held in place the bell in the title! This Spanish horror flick tells the tale of a guy wrongly committed to an institution by his scheming relatives and how he exacts his sick proto torture porn revenge upon release. The pacing requires patience but the consistency of the bleak tone gets under your skin. The biggest selling point though may be the chance to see a wheelchair bound VIVECA LINDFORS (CREEPSHOW) chomping down hard on the gothic scenery.
CANNIBAL MAN (1972)
Up front I'll tell ya, this movie does not have any cannibalism in it at all but it's still damn good. This is basically a character study of a mostly likable slaughterhouse worker who needs to learn how to solve his problems without using a cleaver. I don't mention it often but I love sharp under the microscope personal films about psychopathic killers (1974's DERANGED, 1980's MANIAC, 2002's DAHMER et al.) This particular one is artfully shot and I really like the performance from the lead actor even though he's dubbed. CANNIBAL MAN gets some flack for having a homosexual character befriend the guy and not snitch about his deeds but I haven't got a problem with that in the slightest. As long as the gay guy isn't orchestrating ambush makeovers I think it's progressive.
TERROR AT THE RED WOLF INN (1972)
Here's some cannibals for ya! Everything about this movie makes you think it's going to blow and yet I find it really enjoyable. Sadly, I've yet to witness a good transfer but a little dash of grit only adds flavor to this mostly bloodless satire. Its premise involves a college student who ends up staying in a house full of creepy oldsters and lives to regret it when she finds out she's on the menu. I love this set up, it's so SCREAM PRETTY PEGGY, SILENT SCREAM and THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL among many others and the campy couple hosting the festivities point the way to MOTEL HELL. This ain't gonna scare your socks off or chill ya to the bone, but it's quirky cozy and brimming with dark humor.
MESSIAH OF EVIL (1973)
This one looks like it's going to be the next LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH and jump out of obscurity to claim its rightful reputation thanks to a recent well-done DVD release (thanks CODE RED!) Its arty, surreal and ambiguous nature should allow for various viewings and interpretations for years to come. There's a scene in a movie theater that brilliantly mimics HITCHCOCK's THE BIRDS and the way random assemblies of people are used to unnerving effect reminds me of a half way mark between CARNIVAL OF SOULS and DEAD AND BURIED. This really is a must see, the way it takes somewhat normal situations and quietly turns them on their head truly unsettles and its got a quiet off kilter vibe all its own.
THE DEVIL'S NIGHTMARE (1971)
Christian Ziegler, wherever you are I am eternally grateful to you for turning me on to this movie! I probably never would have checked this out but a pal brought it over once (under the title SUCCUBUS and inexplicably in B&W) and it haunted me. A bunch of travelers stay the night in a castle and are killed in ways based on the seven deadly sins. When the woman responsible shows her true face, it's simply one of the scariest mugs I've ever seen (kind of cross between WHO'S THE BOSS's Mona and an electrocuted catfish.) I have this one in one of those multiple pack DVD sets and the image quality is frightfully good. I'm kind of obsessed with the hypnotic wallpaper throughout which brings to my mind THE SHINING and that ESCHER wall from SUSPIRIA. My DVD plays in a never ending loop with no menu so I have been known to fall asleep to it while it plays over and over again just to freak myself out! I vow to give this more of a spotlight on these pages one day but for now you'll just have to take my word for it. ERIKA BLANC (THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE) is really something else in this one.
O.K. that's seven but like I said, there's plenty more underrated seventies horror we can explore at a later date! Look out for "Seven from the Seventies: Part 2" (and possibly "Six from the Sixties"?) to appear…whenever.
Traumafessions:: Kinderpal FilmFather on Orca
Hey Guys,
Here's a Traumafession that I'm surprised no Gen-Xer has submitted yet…
In the summer of '77, my folks took me to the local drive-in to see ORCA. I was 8, so I'm not sure why my parents felt like a JAWS rip-off about a killer whale munching on people was appropriate. Another neglectful yet nostalgic chapter of '70s parenting…
Anyway, my Trauma is the scene that triggers Orca to feast on RICHARD HARRIS' crew (and BO DEREK's leg):
HARRIS accidentailly harpoons Orca's pregnant mate and reels her up to his boat's deck. While she's hanging there, she miscarriages — in blood-spurting slow motion — as she squeals in agony.
The baby whale plops to the deck, and what does Harris do? He hoses the poor little critter over the side like so much chum!
I was barely learning about the birds and the bees at age 8, so seeing all this water-mammal miscarrying mayhem unfold on a huge drive-in screen definitely scarred me for many moons to come.
(Shameless plug: Read my review of ORCA HERE.)
The Walking Dead
I've been burned too many times to be picking out china patterns just yet, but I feel like me and THE WALKING DEAD have the goods to go the distance. The new AMC zombie series (literally) starts with a bang demolishing any worries that television restrictions would render its undead denizens dry and bloodless. As much as I appreciate the gory generosity on display, I stand more impressed by the introduction of a genre lead that exudes depth in the face of death. ANDREW LINCOLN, as sheriff deputy Rick Grimes, got me wrapped around his finger early on stumbling out of a hospital and responding to the mass destruction in front of him as an actual human being might.
Not to get all BONNIE TYLER on your ass, but I feel like I've been kind of starving for a male hero in a horror piece who's deeper than a tuna can. Excluding psychopaths (cross-dressing or otherwise), it's slim pickings from where I'm sitting (on my couch.) I feel like guys are not allowed to emit anything emotional for fear that it will be read as some kind of deficiency and it makes for me being sort of bored out of my skull a bunch. I guess there is some cultural imperative to keep dudes' yaps shut (you'll have to work all that out for yourselves, world) but in the meantime, the trickle down effect results in me yawning. I like this Rick Grimes protagonist, he makes mistakes, he's fallible and egad, there seems to be something going on both in his head and in his heart. He may have jumped out of a comic book but he's the antithesis of a cartoon. There's a scene in WALKING DEAD that gallantly balances absolute horror with equisite mercy and it has left me thinking that I will always remember where I was the first time I saw it.
You can attach any meaning to zombies that you wish. Their usual anonymity can represent the brain dead masses or the casualties of war. No matter how you approach them though (be they fast or slow), they will always have something to say about how we feel about our dead. Disgust, horror, fear, if you look hard enough you might just find guilt and sympathy too. We have been told a zillion times before that they are "us," yet the fact remains that we as viewers continue to line up to see "them." Thanks to this Rick Grimes person, THE WALKING DEAD might just change that. I may have to start routing for the living again.
Are Hallelujahs in order? Being between television shows to live vicariously through can be a painful experience for me. As much as I enjoyed the first two seasons of TRUE BLOOD, the last season turned on me and left me on the roadside. What was once a show about an outsider discovering an ostracized counter culture where her gifts were valuable became a show about choosing which out of four impossibly hot monsters to hump. (I can't relate to that because I've never had more than three impossibly hot monsters to select from.) I don't mean to call out TRUE BLOOD it's just that I found WALKING DEAD's glamor free tone ginger ale refreshing. There does seem to be a love triangle looming over the horizon but as long as they keep one dangling eye focused on entrails, decomposition and the tragedy and agony of death, I'll survive.
I can't compare THE WALKING DEAD in its new form to the comic book because I have, out of sheer laziness, never read the series but I can say that if the premiere episode is any indication that we may be about to experience something amazing. There is the potential here to breathe new horrific life into the leaning toward parody living dead genre but my attention may be less due to the gruesome element and more due to the human one. Slow or fast, zombies are a dime a dozen, THE WALKING DEAD's more significant offering may end up being a character who you honestly dread to see joining their ranks.
Unk-Nomicon :: Vol. 1
UNK SEZ:: Happy Halloween Kinder-Kiddies! I wanted to do a special post for y'all on this, the best day of the year but I came up with nada because some times my brain don't work so swell. Then all of the sudden I remembered that there was something I've been meaning to share with you fine folks for years now. A while back, while visiting my parents, I discovered my amazing movie clipping scrapbook in the attic and I brought it back to Kindertrauma Castle! The tome has now been dubbed "The Unk-Nomicon"…
Ya see, back when I was a mere critter I got the idea to cut out all the movie ads for horror movies that I saw in the paper and luckily I decided to do this in the best year ever! I present to you today as a Halloween treat the first eight pages to be followed up with eight pages next Sunday and so on until the book is transformed completely into computer-flavored, cyber information! Please enjoy the young Lancifer's hard work as I can assure you that nobody did back when it was being assembled.
Have a Happy Halloween you good people of Kinder-land and remember: Do not eat food with razor blades shoved in it because then your throat will be shredded into strips and blood will come gushing out of your mouth and you can't scream because you are drowning in your own blood today!
(AUNT JOHN SEZ: To see the images at their full resolutions, click the thumbs and then control/right click on the image & select View Image. Just do it!)