kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kindertrauma Funhouse with Special Guest Host Tenebrous Kate of Love Train For the Tenebrous Empire!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's another special Friday with another super duper love trooper guest host! Today we are happy to present the lovely and multi-talented TENEBROUS KATE of the ever fascinating and informative LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE! Kate has selected ten groovy screenshots which are truly and indubitably the cat's pajamas. Kate will be on hand to catch your fall if you should stumble so let the Funhouse shenanigans commence!

By the by, as an incentive today's winner will receive the worth zero dollars "Virtual Muttley Medal" which is a special secret surprise!!!

The Last Exorcism

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to see THE LAST EXORCISM. In fact, the promotional trailers and print ads had me saying, "I liked this better when it was called every other possession movie since 1973." Early word turned out to be virtually vitriol free and eventually I softened. What better way to spend a late August afternoon than in a movie theater? Most of my trepidations were doused in holy water about three minutes into the film thanks to the introduction of the film's central character, evangelical minister and part time exorcist Cotton Marcus (PATRICK FABIAN).

Syrupy Cotton is instantly convincing as the type to instill dedication and his conspiratorial wink toward the audience allows a type of intoxicating inclusion that's hard to resist. FABIAN works the viewer the same way Cotton greases his flock. This is how the best cons operate by giving you the false sense that you alone are special enough for fraternization. Thankfully EXORCISM avoids the pitfalls of being one sided. Just as we are privy to Cotton's smirky chicanery, we are additionally made well aware of his affirmative good-natured intentions. He may not believe in the snake oil he's peddling but as long as his customers reap the placebo benefits, what's the harm?

Pride cometh before the fall and surprise, surprise, Cotton must come to terms with the idea that unlike himself, his latest possessed patient Nell (marble-eyed tulip pedal ASHLEY BELL) may be on the up and up. If there's a tug of war going on here between science and religion, I'll take a pass at taking sides. My little pea brain only cares whether the supernatural is allowed room in our world any more.

When I wake up in the middle of the night the coat rack in my room frequently decides to transform itself into a monster. Eventually it turns back into a coat rack but I know for at least a moment it was planning on eating me. Don't look for gore or elaborate special effects (or even the levitation shown in one of the misleading ads) in THE LAST EXORCISM, it's modestly content turning coat racks into monsters and then back into coat racks over and over again. It plays on your anxiety that at some point the coat rack will become a monster and remain a monster, never to be a coat rack again.

One thing I didn't worry my pretty little head about was the movie's faux documentary approach. Gratefully it does not open with a title card proclaiming it was discovered under a rock, so I just accepted it as a fiction that utilizes reality elements to give you a front row seat feel. It's kind of a waste of time to point out incongruities that prove it's not real, of course it's not real. If you for any reason, even remotely suspect that this movie is "real" than your proper response should be to leave the theater and go directly to a police station and report that you have just paid money to watch a cat being bludgeoned to death and that oh, by the way some people were murdered on camera too.

While we're on the subject of the whole faux-reality thing I should add that I really appreciated this film's use of its Louisiana backdrop and its overall look. It's nice to know that someone understands that a pseudo-doc approach doesn't have to mean a completely artless production that looks like it was directed by a chimp. Can I also say that I must be getting old because it didn't occur to me ‘till much later that T.L.E. was PG-13? I guess there comes a time when you stop wishing for each movie to out do the last in the blood and spectacle department and just start hoping for a story and characters that don't bore you to death. Please don't ever remind me that I said that.

The film's finale has as many adversaries as advocates. Because I have a well-documented contempt for all audience members who aren't me, I of course loved it. I kind of respect a film that just says, "You know what? Now THIS is happening, deal with it," and isn't afraid to stomp on toes. Sure it's cartoon magpie crazy and throws a slushie in the face of the film's hard-earned ambiguous tight rope act but it's giddily mischievous too. The last image of reverend Cotton we are left with (foreshadowed in a nifty drawing of Nell's) is a strong one. It's a sharp reminder that the film took the time to present us with multilayered characters with inner lives rather than one-toned playing pieces on a snakes and ladders board.

I'm all for supporting every horror movie that comes down the pike and especially ones as thoughtful as this one, but I can't honestly urge you to rush right out and throw your money down. I know it's very bad of me but I can't help thinking I would have enjoyed THE LAST EXORCISM even more if I watched it late at night at home by myself in the shadow of my coat rack.

No Place Like Horror Part Two :: Horror's Most Undesirable Living Spaces

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Remember back in the good old days of two weeks ago when Christine Hadden of FASCINATION WITH FEAR and I each shared our ten favorite horror homesteads? Well, it happened whether you remember it or not. We had so much fun that we decided to go on a second tour but this time we're visiting our ten LEAST favorite horror dumps! Check out my ten most unwanted properties below and do make sure to travel over HERE to check out Christine's least favorite picks!

10. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) (2009)
Don't get me wrong, Dr. So and So has exquisite taste in art and I love how clean and modern everything is but the spiral staircase is a real deal breaker. Personally I like to put a bandanna (or three) around my human centipede's neck and take it to the park to play Frisbee every afternoon. Spiral staircases are stellar for averting unwanted escapes but in general they tend to be difficult to maneuver time wasters.

9. WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
Ever since I was a kid I've found Chuck's living arrangement leaving much to be desired. Poverty doesn't have to be grim (think Edith the egg lady's trailer in PINK FLAMINGOS) but this pad blows. I'm thinking if you ever find yourself coming home to find four senior citizens sleeping in the same bed it's time to start packing.

8. TIDELAND (2005)
I wouldn't say no to sharing a living space with JEFF BRIDGES. That said, I'd like to specify that I'd prefer it to be the living JEFF BRIDGES and not his rotting corpse in a white wig. See, contrary to word on the street, I really do have standards.

7. THE COTTAGE (2008)
I had mixed feelings about this movie but a very definite reaction to the crazy killer's yellow kitchen. Quite simply it horrified the crap out of me. Not that I can verify it in anyway but I'm sure that I once read that more murders were committed in yellow kitchens than kitchens of any other color. For some reason the assumed happy hue just irritates the hell out of people and that is why you will never see a yellow hospital. Naturally the kindertrauma kitchen is pink, a color known only for making people hungry for Frankenberry Cereal, Strawberry Quick and TINY TIM tuneage!

6. EATEN ALIVE (1977)
The Louisiana hotel in EATEN ALIVE is nice enough but let's be real here, there are way too many crocodiles in the front yard.

5. THE HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS (1976)
What the hell is so funny THWLW? Let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f*cked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f*ckin' amuse you?

4. 13 GHOSTS (2001)
I have as much use for a too clever for its own good clockwork puzzle-box house as I do another SAW sequel. You pull the wrong lever and suddenly the bathroom has glass walls and the door disappears. No thanks, privacy is my middle name and my last name is control.

3. HOUSE OF WAX (2005)
There's so much wrong with this concept that I don't even know where to begin. Call me crazy but I don't relish the idea of having to wade through molten wax to crawl into bed every August.

2. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2007)
This prefab pile of crapola reeks of unearned mundane vanilla privilege. I intuitively know that the thermostat is set at least twenty degrees higher than I would feel comfortable in. It makes me think of staying at a boring relative's house and waking up early and pretending to be still asleep in order to avoid brain numbing small talk over coffee about last night's episode of CSI: MIAMI. Demonic possession and hourly soul rape would be a welcome reprieve.

1. HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1989)
I believe the worst place ever invented is this here riverside shack in Haddonfield, Illinois. I'm not even sure this fragile lean-to stands next to a legitimate river, it looks more like a stream or a brook to me. We've all seen this scenario play out before, a theoretically straight guy down on his luck exploits the hospitality of an elderly amateur pirate in order to put a roof over his head. After a year of who knows what kind of illicit behavior the roustabout gets bored, puts his mask back on, clocks the parrot, kills his benefactor and then moves on to greener pastures. Give me ROB-ZOB's driftin' hobo Mike over HALLOWEEN 5's poorly masked, unappreciative moocher any October 31st!

Carnival of Souls (1962)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

Some call CARNIVAL OF SOULS, the cheap as they come, sometimes poorly acted, sometimes barbarically edited, sometimes inadequately dubbed drive-in movie from 1962 a masterpiece and one of those "some people" is me. If you have never seen CARNIVAL OF SOULS before, rather than continue reading this flimsy appraisal, watch it HERE. I don't want to spoil the surprise ending for you even though chances are that just by reading the words "surprise ending" you instantly know the score. Watch it now. I'll still be here when you are done.

Yep, it's that OWL CREEK BRIDGE, "Guess what? You're dead!" zing again! Don't let that final reveal spoil the whole movie for you, back when CARNIVAL was released everybody and their brother SHYAMALAN hadn't milked the concept into oblivion yet. Honestly, I think you can just take that last scene out of the movie if you want. When all is said and done I'm not sure it really matters. It's not that unique to be "already dead." If you look far enough into the future every one of us is submerged in our own version of that car and we too are "already dead." Just because we are all dead in the eventual future is no reason to feel blue. Life is a carnival of rich and exciting experiences to enjoy. Not convinced? Get in line behind Mary Henry, the driving force of CARNIVAL.

 

 

CARNIVAL is a beautiful film; it's just plain cinematic poetry. Point out any flaw you like and I'll tell you how it only enhances the overall ambiance. Minimalist, pure, gushing with the title's promised "soul," this is a film that transcends beyond mere entertainment to become a work of art. Made by moonlighting educational filmmakers, CARNIVAL has the omnipotent gusto of a monument that built itself. Director HERK HARVEY was inspired by a chance sighting of an abandoned pavilion and writer JOHN CLIFFORD admits that the script came to his mind fully formed and seemingly wrote itself. In other words, the universe demanded this film be made so naturally it's a perfect beast that can be interpreted a zillion ways until the world explodes! We can go on and on about the stark, vivid photography, the haunting all-organ score and the film's vast influence (go ahead and imagine a world where CARNIVAL OF SOULS never came to be, just don't be surprised when some of your GEORGE ROMERO and DAVID LYNCH movies disappear too!) but let's move past that because more importantly in my opinion, there's something about Mary.

 

 

Mary Henry as portrayed by the STRASBERG trained beauty CANDACE HILLIGOSS is one of the most fascinating and unique characters in all of horror. With the exception of being easy on the eyes, Mary relies on none of the characteristics usually employed to gain audience sympathy and she's all the more remarkable for it. Mary is a play for pay church organist with an apathetic stance on religion. I'm thinking that in 1962 this may have appeared a worthy sin to conjure supernatural comeuppance but today she simply appears frank. She's clearly conscious of what she's supposed to say to please others but it's just not in her to do so. From what we get to know about Mary her stance makes perfect sense. Religion in a way requires you to give in to something bigger than yourself, to hand your reigns over to another force, something Mary is clearly loathe to do. Furthermore, anything that even vaguely tempts rhapsody might revolt her. Mary is just not feeling it.

 

 

Once again, the fact that Mary's experience is revealed to be posthumous does not matter. I'd say the nightmare maze she endures is an exaggerated display of her genuine feelings about her place in the world. Not only does she find no joy or solace in religion, she appears equally ambivalent about psychiatry, romance, alcohol and apparently ballroom dancing. She's basically crossed off and rejected every life-crutch in the book! The pinnacle of her dreads involves coupling with "the man." (Director HARVEY portrays "the man" I'm sure officially due to budget constrictions but in reality due to this film just can't stop being genius.) I'm sorry but Mary is some kind of wonderful. She's an existentialist outsider and if you think she's quick on her feet attempting to outrun death, just see how this gal books when she's trying to outrun life!

 

 

When we first encounter Mary Henry she is passively involved in a drag race that ends with her female companions dead. Next she's off to start a new life in a new town with a new job. Mary is a young woman who is just starting off in the world but the only thing she encounters in it is alienation. Various parental or authority figures attempt to maneuver her in the directions that they desire, to teach her the "rules of the game" but she just won't budge. It's tempting to chalk her position up to residue left by her accident but that just can't be the case. Mary has a distinct viewpoint, a firm, fully formed outlook that could not have come to her overnight. She's quite simply not buying whatever everybody is trying to sell her and the consequence of not going with the flow is exclusion. She adamantly states that she has little interest in the comfort or company of other people yet she eventually ends up yelling, "I don't want to be alone!" Oh, if only you could have it both ways Mary!

 

 

On the surface CARNIVAL glides around like a ghostly supernatural spook show but many of the scenes of horror we witness have more than a passing resemblance to what you'd expect to find in an alien "pod people" scenario. There are plenty of shots of Mary running down oppressive city streets obviously estranged from the general public and she eventually succumbs to being stomped out by a mob. Death is omnipresent but "death" means meshing and succumbing to the crowd. Above all else the message seems to be that she can either join/integrate or slowly cease to exist. I read the ghouls that chase her as dark shadow images of the "living" who are attempting to snuff her out with equal determination.

 

 

Mary experiences two specific dissociative episodes. On the surface they read like periods where death has caught up to her or foreshadows of her ultimate fate. The first occurs after a rare pleasant experience with another human being, a notably androgynous sales lady. Is Mary so rigid that she can't allow herself even a moment of pleasure? Has the saleswoman thrown her into homosexual panic? Mary's existential dilemma overrides such notions. I believe she has come to the reverse SEX AND THE CITY conclusion that the approved uniform offers her nothing and that low and behold, consumerism does not fill the void. Her plight to maintain her sense of identity is not aided by the purchase of a dress. Yet another life-crutch kicked to the curb.

 

 

During Mary's spell she spies workers jack-hammering in the street. The jack-hammers are powered by an engine marked "joy." Is this some heavy handed symbolism backing up the idea that Mary's issue is merely some sort of sexual repression? I see them more as accidental representatives of the oppressive forces trying to bully Mary into feeling something she doesn't.

Mary's next "loss of self" episode occurs when her primary bugaboo is triggered. Her car needs fixing and feeling vulnerable she asks if she can remain in it as it is repaired. As the car is placed in a lift and raised into the air, Mary has lost all control. (You can't blame her for freaking really, the last time Mary let someone else be in control of the car things didn't end up too good.) The underbelly of the vehicle is exposed and "the Man" draws closer. She is thrown into another frenzy of identity crisis and she ends up roaming the streets pleading to be acknowledged but invisible to all. This episode concludes like the first with Mary touching a tree and noticing a bird song in order to gain entry back to herself. Is Mary connecting to a more "natural" existence the answer?

 

 

If Mary wants to find a more "natural" existence she's going to have to do it on her own and with zero support from those around her. I believe we do get a glimpse of her with her guard down at one point as she is playing her organ. It's the closest thing to a sex scene we'll get. If you approach CARNIVAL as simple horror she seems possessed but if you consider her larger drama she is at last free. Mary "gets down" playing the organ. She is filled with spirit and soul as she free styles some crazy goth tuneage. (Her shoes even disappear. ) Her one act of full self expression is thwarted by a priest that reprimands her for being "blasphemous." Just like that bird in the tree, Mary does have a song to sing. It's just not a song that some people want to hear.

 

 

Women were under much societal pressure to conform to certain roles in 1962 but let's not throw out the universal baby with the feminist bath water. The world has expectations for all of us and those expectations are not always based on who we are as individuals. To me this is not a movie about death or heaven or hell and it's most certainly not about a fragile gal in need of the boinking cure. To me the real undercurrent of horror throughout comes from the fear of losing one's personal identity to the crowd and the counter fear of expulsion if one does not march in line. Ghouls or no ghouls, reality or dream, Mary buries the lede mid-film when she states simply, "I don't belong in the world."

 

 

It's possible that Mary was designed by her architects to be a cold, frustratingly distant glass blond. If that's the case they have happily failed, thanks in large part to the depths of HILIGOSS. I don't really care about a filmmaker's intentions anyhow. I'd never let a chef tell me what their food tastes like. If CARNIVAL is meant to be a simple, "You're dead!" ghost tale, well, I'm sorry guys, you screwed up and made something more. Victory and heroics do not necessarily walk hand in hand and regardless of her outcome I see Mary as a noble figure. Her sword is her ability to question the status quo and to reject the false identities that are thrust upon her by others. She may end up submerged in a car but like I said before, don't we all? I'll close with my favorite frame in the whole film. In the top right hand corner you'll see the face of the world's preferred version of Mary; dead or alive, the bottom left displays the enigmatic real deal.

 

 

Kinder-Bitz!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look it's the new feature that sticks like glue, sweet and sour chewy gooey Kinder-Bitz! Kinder-Bitz is a nutritious part of any unbalanced dessert tray!

The Kinder-Bitz jingle needs to be sung by this insane "Didn't do great" lady HERE!

One of our favorite people reviews one of our favorite movies HERE!

Unk makes a hallow-weenie of himself inside ZOMBO'S CLOSET!

Pax Romano spots the true horror of CROPSEY over HERE!

KATE BUSH and horror? We're all ears HERE!

Kudos to cruel and creative advertising HERE!

Puppets aren't perfect as illustrated HERE!

Lego tears in the rain HERE!

I want an owl like the one below!

My hero JOE DANTE talks rationally about 3-D and more HERE!

Speaking of JOE check out the GREMLINS vacation in Georgetown below.

Kindertrauma Funhouse Featuring Special Guest Host Andre Dumas of Horror Digest!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hooray for today because we have another special guest host in the Kindertrauma Funhouse! Who could it be? Why, it's our old pal Andre Dumas of HORROR DIGEST fame! Andre has cooked up some super cool images to identify and she'll be on hand to offer hints too! Now, I think I think I'll stroll down to the fishing hole and see if I can catch any 3-D piranhas. You kids behave, guess good and mind Andre! Make sure you jump on over to her swinging pad too. It's over the river and through the woods and right over HERE!

Kindertrauma Funhouse:: With Special Guest Host B-Sol of The Vault of Horror!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Howdy kids, peeps, critters, kin and the ships at sea adjacent to Antonio Bay! Your Unk is honored and proud to announce that today we have a special guest host for our funhouse in the form of the one and only Brian Solomon (aka B-Sol) of the outstanding and impeccable VAULT OF HORROR!

B-Sol has hand picked ten film images for you to identify today and they are real beauties. Put on your thinking caps and do your Unk proud! B-Sol will be on hand to nudge you in the right direction should you get lost and make sure you visit him today at his hospitable home turf HERE! Take it away, Mr. B-Sol!

Kinder-Bitz!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey, the highly acclaimed documentary CROPSEY is playing on the INVESTIGATION DISCOVERY channel this Friday night. Learn more HERE and check out JOHN KENNETH MUIR's review HERE!

I tried to write a review for the CRISPIN GLOVER craptacular SIMON SAYS several times and failed miserably. No worries, TENEBROUS KATE hit the nail on the head HERE!

Andre Dumas sets her eye on EYES WIDE SHUT over HERE!

Arbogast blows my mind with "Images of Film: shadowplay" HERE!

Less than a month ago I prayed that somebody with a brain would invent a gun like the one in LOOKER and so now it is kind of so (it doesn't make you forget junk…rats!). It's called the DAZER TAZER and you can't buy one HERE!

I can't stop watching LOUIE; it's my new favorite misanthropic genius show. If you are an old person you should check it out HERE!

Aunt John thinks that TRUE BLOOD should be replaced by this HERE!

BLOODY TERROR turned me on to THE BIRD AND THE BEE singing HALL AND OATES and you can check out "Rich Girl" HERE!

Speaking of music, will somebody operate on my head and remove this HERE!

MADE FOR TV MAYHEM names a trauma and it's called MIDNIGHT OFFERINGS and you can read about that HERE!

I will not apologize for my love of SHOTGUN HARLEY (below).

Toolbox Murders (2004)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Greetings, from your friendly neighborhood, unrepentant TOBE HOOPER apologist; I'm sorry but I kinda love 2004's TOOLBOX MURDERS. I know that's not the consensus but the heart wants what the heart wants. How can a movie from 2004 fill me with such nostalgic glee? I'm not sure, maybe because it's just so fabulously old school in its stance. No, there's nothing very revolutionary going on here, just a plain, mostly straightforward affair cooked medium rare and served garnish free, but I find it hits the spot all the same. I don't need any more than this. That'll do pig, that'll do. Oh, just allow me to break my affection down for you…

TOBE HOOPER

Give this guy a break will you? He drops the ball now and again but he knows what he's doing. There may not be anything as robust as the famous door slam from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE in TOOLBOX but there's plenty to relish anyway. On several occasions HOOPER steers your attention one way and then slams you from another direction entirely, that's what I call a scare that's earned, baby. He knows what you expect and he likes to tease you. One of my favorite bits involves a bathroom medicine cabinet that is opened to reveal…nada. TOBE, you foiled the medicine cabinet scare! I could kiss you!

ANGELA BETTIS

What a spitfire. Imagine an unhinged HOLLY HUNTER fused with a robotic praying mantis and then set free to needle at will. BETTIS just fascinates and the horror world is a better place having known her. Her character here "Nell Barrows" is more tack sharp and caffeine restless than her usual wounded birds; she's a vintage observer who senses something afoul and won't be stifled. She is also quietly mourning the recent death of her father and am I reading too much into the movie to say her journey is all about confronting the ugly eventuality of the grave?

SUPPORTING CAST

BRENT ROAM is a refreshing change of pace from the lantern jawed Aryan dullards usually picked to play the rational boyfriend plus, if you ask me, he was born to wear scrubs. JULIET LANDAU is lead material and she is able to transform a sidekick part into something exceedingly sympathetic. SHERI MOON is SHERI MOON, she's got a Manson gal meets my hippy babysitter vibe that is too strong for me to resist. Go ahead and find her annoying if you must. I want her to read me a bedtime story and teach me how to smoke. RANCE HOWARD, father to RON and CLINT, is just plain Hollywood royalty and it's nice to see him treated as such within the film.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Director of photography STEVE YEDLIN also shot MAY, so you know he's no slouch. There are some velvet black nighttime scenes spiked with wet, reflected colors and even the scant daytime scenes have an otherworldly, corrupt Garden of Eden quality. The interiors overall have a pungent air of romantic sleaze that bring to mind NAN GOLDIN photos. This is a low budget film that, to my eyes, looks top of the line even as it's delighting in dilapidation.

THE AMBASSADOR HOTEL

Playing the role of the creepy Lusman Arms apartment complex is the legendary AMBASSADOR HOTEL. THE AMBASSADOR has appeared in hundreds of movies from A STAR IS BORN to SE7EN and it just drips history and personality. It was demolished by a bunch of idiots in 2006 and this is one of its last few cinematic appearances. I'm adding this title to the ever growing list in my head that says when it comes to creating horror there are three important things to consider… location, location, location.

THE STORY

Not unlike delicious Razzles brand treats which are first a candy and then a gum, TOOLBOX is first a slasher and then a supernatural shocker with a SUSPIRIA boner. I dig the MULHOLLAND DRIVE-light "Hollywood's gonna stomp your dream" theme that weaves through it too. Traditionally, in name only remakes make me see red but in this case I call it kosher. TOOLBOX is not trying to be a more modern, hipper version of the original and it ends up offering a denser mythology than the previously existing one. As much as I appreciate the original and its outstanding cast, I'm glad this doesn't go down the same torturous trail.

THE KILLER

"Coffin Baby" as named by HOOPER, is a creepy and intimidating creation with a tasty back-story to sink your teeth into. We're given enough information to intrigue but not so much that we feel he's completely pinned down or knowable. TOBE does a crackerjack job of never allowing the viewer too much time to focus on the killer's mug but delivers enough so that you don't feel completely cheated either. We're dealt pieces and splinters only, leaving our brains to assemble and assume the worst. Like many a great monster, Coffin Baby, as the looser in a Faustian deal, has got his cursed tragic side too. His giddy victory dance exuberance after disintegrating a victim's face with lye makes me want to get to know him better. Last I heard there was a sequel in the making, speed it up!

THE KILLS

If you check out the deleted scenes on TOOLIE's DVD you'll see some classic, over-the- top, blood splattery kills that were sadly dumped in order to obtain a useless "R" rating. Considering the film's nearly nonexistent theatrical life this is sort of like chopping off your nose to go to a dance at a country club that won't let you in. Filmmakers please don't bow down to the antiquated "R," better you should save your bloody charms for the more appreciative home viewing crowd. I'm not saying the "R' rated TOOLBOX is too weak, just that the difference between seeing a drill going into a head and a drill going into head and then coming out of a mouth is a big one for gore fans like me.

ALL IN ALL

TOOLBOX is really one of the better films that came out of the 2000's if you believe my notoriously indiscriminate opinion. In fact, I suspect that only ageism and anti-HOOPER sentiment keeps it from being heralded as such. If this movie was released with the false claim that it was directed by a young first timer named, say "Travis Hasbro" everybody would be all over the place claiming "Travis Hasbro" was the next big thing. Well, fuck Travis Hasbro, TOBE HOOPER is the man. I hate it when people call the director of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, SALEM'S LOT, THE FUNHOUSE, the seriously underrated EATEN ALIVE, and POLTERGEIST for Pete's sake (not to mention superior episodes of THE OTHERS and TAKEN) a "one hit wonder." It's called counting, my friends. I'm not blind to HOOPER's duds but I think it's preferable for an artist to create some great and some bad rather than all mediocre.

NITPICKS

Just to prove I'm not all puppies and rainbows (actually, I am) here are a few, special bonus nitpicks for you cranky folks out there! Sometimes the movie may be a bit too dark (particularly during the kills), some of the sideline characters are a bit too cartoonish and dilute the tone, the closing BUDDHA STALIN song blows chunks and whoever chose the hideous glowing SLIMER fonts for the opening and closing credit sequences needs to be retroactively fired. There, I'm out! Here's hopin' I see you again soon Coffin Baby!

There's No Place Like Horror: Top Ten Killer Homes I'd Move Into Tomorrow

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It came to my attention recently that Christine Hadden of FASCINATION WITH FEAR was planning to retire someday in the picturesque, cliff-top abode depicted in the film THE DARK (2005). The problem was that Christine had picked the exact same place that I had been planning to eventually move into!

Luckily an east coast vs. east coast blogging war was averted when the two of us came up with a time-sharing compromise. I couldn't help wondering though, what if we hadn't come up with a solution to our dilemma, where would I live then? Below are my top ten slabs of horror real estate that I would gladly move into should the need arise. After you've given them a quick walk-through make sure you check out Christine's top ten choices HERE!

10.MODERN PROBLEMS (1980, The PSYCHO house)

Sure I love the PSYCHO house just like everybody else but there's no way I'm dealing with a motel filled with unseemly transients! In the alleged comedy MODERN PROBLEMS, CHEVY CHASE spends a weekend (along with DABNEY COLEMAN and MARY KAY PLACE) in what is in indeed, the one and only PSYCHO house; however, it's miraculously on a beach and there's no seedy motel to deal with. I could live in this joint for sure, especially if it comes with housekeeper NELL CARTER!

9.SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)

Hey, look at this pad; it's got a front porch for me to drink 40s on! I can almost see myself standing there as an old man in shorts and argyle socks telling the neighborhood kids to scram! Sources (IMDb) tell me that this fixer upper is located in Oyster Bay, Long Island. I'm going to start working on my accent now.

8.THE BOOGEY MAN (1980)

I love the BOOGEY MAN house and it comes with a well and a barn, so you can't beat that. This place resides in Chesapeake Bay, Maryland and just check out those windows up top there! Don't they remind you of another famous horror home? I'm ready to move in, right after I check my sneakers for mirror shards.

7.THE HUNGER (1983)

I know I should be trying to get out of the city but I can't sneeze at Miriam the Vampire's luxury New York digs in THE HUNGER. Urban life isn't so bad when you've got mad cash and a video camera security system at your front door! I know it doesn't look like much from the outside but vampires (perhaps because they spend so much time indoors) sure know a thing or two about interior decorating.

6.THE LADY IN WHITE (1988)

This place is a bit small for my needs but it's not without its charms. It's got a rustic storybook quality to it that I enjoy plus there's a nearby cliff that you can throw people off of!

5.THE UNINVITED (1944)

Speaking of cliffs, I know I should appreciate THE UNINVITED more than I do, it's got RAY MILLAND in it after all, but it's always been a smidge of a snore for me. Having made that embarrassing admission, I must say that I big time dig the house from the movie. Hmmm, maybe the place from the GHOST AND MRS. MUIR is more my speed.

4.LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971)

This beautiful house is located in Essex, Connecticut; I used to live in Connecticut so adjustment should be a breeze. You must know by now that I am secretly a hippie and that I can entertain myself for hours strumming on a guitar and making grave stone rubbings. The locals are sure to be a problem but they'll get used to my playing THE BEST OF BREAD into the wee hours eventually.

3.THE FOG (1980)

Stevie Wayne sure knew how to live. I'm not sure that I like the idea of my front door being easily accessible to sea-ghouls but I'm not the kind of dummy who answers the door when somebody bangs on it with a hook either. Put it this way, if it comes with the K-A-B lighthouse I'm sold. Bodega (aka Antonio) Bay, California here I come!

2.THE ADDAMS FAMILY (1991)

This house is just is the ravens' knees and that's that. Plus, out of all my picks I believe this is the only one that comes with its own graveyard, which should come in handy. Who needs to yell at kids to get off your lawn when pouring a cauldron of boiling oil on their heads can get the same message across?

1.THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)

It's just a lifetime dream of mine to live in the Amityville Horror house. Isn't it just the perfect place to set up Kindertrauma operations? This one was actually recently up for sale but I didn't have to count my Folgers can full of loose change to know that it was a tad out side my budget. (That reminds me, Aunt John you better remember to play my numbers today!) My first plan upon moving into this place was to restore its creepy devil eye windows. Then, I would have put two creepy Jody the pig blinking eye lights up in there to scare away the tourists. I wouldn't have been afraid to live in this, the most famous haunted house in the land. I'm used to black sludge pouring from my walls and I know how to hang a fly strip. (By the way, the above image is from the superior AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION from the best year God ever made… 1982!)

Yowza, that was a startlingly easy list to come up with. There's so much great horror real estate out there! The hard part is going to be picking just one! At least there will be no debate about which realtor to use!

Thanks for going on this tour with me kids, make sure you check out Christine's picks over at FASCINATION WITH FEAR right over HERE, she remembered all the great spots (Garth Manor, anyone?) that your Unk forgot!